


Captive

by DragonofFernweh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Dubious Consent, F/M, Master/Pet, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Slavery, Sexual Violence, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, dubcon, it contains tons of unhealthy and toxic themes, this is a very old work that's been rewritten!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 134,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonofFernweh/pseuds/DragonofFernweh
Summary: Amaya has spent most of her life in a cage, both literally and metaphorically, wishing for a taste of freedom. When she meets the devil himself, will she succumb to his will, or will she bring him to his knees? Perhaps they both lose a little of themselves in the chaos. You never trust the devil when he's smiling, but you never turn your back on a wolf.
Relationships: Canon/OC, Hidan/OC, OC/Canon - Relationship
Comments: 16
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

_You bring out the worst in me. Now that you've seen it, you're mine forever._

ღ

" _BRRING!"_

" _BRRING!"_

The grating blare of the bell bounced off the walls and into my skull, yanking me out of a fitful sleep. With a snarl I covered my ears, willing the ringing in them to fade. One would think I'd have gotten used to that terrible alarm, after having spent years in a terrible place, but I was known for being stubborn. With a groan, I dragged myself off the dingy ground, dusting off the dirt and other things that had crawled onto me that I'd rather not think about. On some mornings it quite felt like I was rising from the grave; perhaps it would have been safer to be dead. Three walls, a barred door, and the soothing concrete ground were what made up my wonderful home. A dog pound might even be a step up—at least people pitied dogs. There was no pity for people like me, for people like us.

From the cell beside mine, I could hear a girl grumbling about the early wakeup calls, and I had to agree with her. They always roused us early on shower day though, and how angry could I really be with the prospect of clean water dangling in front of me? Sauntering towards the barred door, I leaned against it, arms through the space in the bars as I peered around the corridor. Seldom did anything exciting go down, but it never hurt to check. It sure beat rotting in one corner all day long, even if sometimes we got snapped at for being nosy. Footsteps alerted me to someone approaching, and I turned my head to watch a familiar face walking towards me. I grimaced, but it didn't put him off, nor was I sure I expected it to. The warden was a stoic man, I doubted he even saw any of us as people, but stock. The metal pole he carried around clanged off the metal bars of the cell doors as he dragged it along our cages, waking up those that had yet to stir.

Some didn't bother…some couldn't. I winced as a couple of body bags were rustled by the guards who followed the warden, those who took care of the dirty work. It wasn't uncommon, not in the winter when the dreadful conditions were even more biting. It was cold, and our clothes were thin and torn. Our meals were scarce, water scarcer, and we were worked hard. We slept only a few hours at a time; the rest we spent on our feet or on our knees, performing labor of varying degrees. Some of us…I shook my head. I would much rather be standing to work than lying down. Always. I'd gone this long.

As the body bags were carried out, I shut my eyes in the offer of silent prayer. I'd long since stopped believing any god was looking out for us, but it was all I could offer them, and it felt like an injustice to ignore the losses entirely. Maybe wherever those poor souls ended up would be better than this place. I'd tried before to squash what was left of my heart, throw it to the wolves the way they'd thrown the rest of me. I just couldn't do it, I'd never been able to harden myself like that. Some of these people were so fragile, some were just kids. Hell, I could still be considered a kid, at sixteen. The sympathetic, frightened looks I aimed at the younger girls, I often caught the older women looking at me with. They should save it for someone who needed it. Some weren't built for a life like this, but for me, for a handful of us, it was almost all we'd ever known, or perhaps all we cared to remember.

"Hey, little one," a nasally voice rasped, making every hair on my body stand on end. I scowled and snapped my head towards the guard standing at my door.

"What an unwelcome sight," I said, pulling my arms back through the bars. I had known this particular guard at least three years, and his crass words never failed to make my stomach turn. I'd watched him seduce plenty of desperate people here into bed, with the promise of a blanket or a full meal. I couldn't imagine it was worth the price (how many bruises for a bowl of soup?) but I couldn't begrudge a one of them for something as human as desperation. The guard grinned at me with a mouthful of bad teeth, reeking of sleaze and smoke. Shamelessly, he eyed me up and down, and I felt naked under his gaze, the holes in my nightdress exposing too much skin, the gaps in the bars too far apart. I turned away from his scrutiny. Most of us had to scavenge for our clothes, trading and sharing among ourselves or at places where we served. Clothes were a luxury, just like food or water, or even the fucking air we breathed as far as some of these bastards were concerned.

The guard reached his thick fingers through the bars, and I cringed away as I backed up towards the farthest wall. If at all possible, I might've tried to fight my way through the brick. I possessed the fangs from my species, my mother's kind, but I didn't have the strength. Just enough wolf to be exotic, they told me; not enough to be of use. "Don't be that way, darlin'. Come to my office, tonight. Maybe I could get you something warmer…" he aimed a persuasive smile at me, but I only wanted to retch. When I was younger, I never quite noticed the leering gazes, nor why the older women always snapped at men who looked at those my age. Now when I saw a man's eyes linger too long on someone young, I yearned to rip them out.

Baring my teeth at him, I swiped my arm in protest as if I might be able to claw him from three feet away. My pointed ears flattened down into my mess of red hair as I snarled. "Get away from me, surely you've still got a few goats in the barn?" I spat, though the anger made me dizzy. "I'm never begging for help from someone like you, you're nothing but dirty old men!"

The guard sneered at me, brown lumps of teeth on display as he spat at my feet. "Have it your way. I'm sure I'd catch something from sticking it in worn out whores like you lot," he snapped. That warmed my heart. I crossed my arms as he marched off down the line, most likely to find another young thing to attempt coercing into bed. I didn't blame them when they did; it was tempting, the allure of even a moment's comfort. A bed, dinner, maybe even a kind hand, I couldn't picture what exactly drew them to guards or men like that one. Sometimes it did get hard to resist, and sometimes they did reach out to hold something I longed for right in front of me; but I'd learned to live with the hard, cold edges in my life, and I wasn't interested in paying a price in flesh to change that. Most of the guards here were no different, and the people enslaved here often fell for lies wrapped in ribbons, despite the rarity of any guard keeping a promise. A lot of them came back with eyes emptier than before, and perhaps that hollow-eyed memory kept me from tumbling headfirst into a deal I'd surely regret.

Sometimes people agreed to the guards' whims simply to avoid a punishment. Almost none of them were gentle people, often doling out violence for the sake of violence. I reached and rubbed at a bruise on my shoulder, one I'd earned from a riding crop yesterday when I'd been scrubbing the floors too slow. We all bore marks and many of us bore scars, the guards were inescapable. Their hands, their blades, their staffs; it was best to grit your teeth and bear it. I'd seen the guards when they really lost it, same as I'd seen what was left of the slave who was unfortunate or brazen. It was the same everywhere, no matter the stories. A village that "valued" servants still enslaved them, and a village that "didn't tolerate" the compounds and rings still allowed us to slip under the radar.

Heaving a weary sigh, I winced when the warden walked past my cell again. I didn't care for him, but he was better than a number of his guards. He didn't toy around with people for the sake of sadistic pleasures, he was pragmatic. Not lenient by any means, but at least he didn't care for the mind or body games, if only because he didn't see us as worth his time. Pausing at my door, he peered in. "Number 6-6-6 needs water!" he shouted, for any of the number of guards to hear and jump on command. Despite the ire of hearing him use my tag number instead of my name, my mouth watered. How long had it been since I'd tasted water? At least three days, but after the first they all seemed to blend together.

I moved to the corner to wait while one of the guards unlocked my cell, holding a pitcher to fill my bowl with water. I leveled a careful stare at him as he poured, and when he took a step towards me, I growled, far from the mood for these games they all seemed to want to try so early. He simmered in frustration, but let me be. Many wouldn't and would instead look for a fight, but I'd overheard before I wasn't worth the trouble. I'd left many a scar on the guards like they had on me, and many a man had come to regret contracting me. It might be a miracle I was still alive at all. Of course, I was worth just enough that they'd be losing out if they did away with me.

Much of that had to do with factors outside my own control, such as age and species. I was different, and that attracted plenty of folks' attention, and the younger you were the spryer, and the less rations and sleep you had to be allotted. As for the rest, I didn't totally understand why, and I'd never learned the real reasons; ever since I was young I was kept in the higher cells, where we were referred to as Crown Pets. We were considered more elite slaves, often sold to important people, rich people. Crown Pets were more often for entertainment than labor, but that didn't mean there was a lack of that, either. For someone as stubborn as me who resisted the more carnal side of this coin, I was well-suited for labor, often cleaning and tending, or the occasional guard work, something I favored a bit.

I knelt by the bowl and cupped my hands in the tepid water, bringing it to my lips as I drank greedily to soothe my parched throat. Although considered Crown, I was often sold to anyone willing to pay a steep enough sum, but it was a temporary contract, never permanent. Permanence was more expensive, and in the long run, wouldn't it be a waste? Repetitive leasing brought in more, did it not? Besides, I was one of the ones most willing for the hardest work, and I always enjoyed a good fight, leading to me often being chosen for security contracts. I was no stranger to hard work; cleaning, repairs and building, tending to people and animals alike. When I was very first dragged into the compound, I'd been nothing but the lowest, someone common and expendable. I wasn't sure what had changed, but I suspected my species might have something to do with it. Ibrida were rare, and in the slave and pet trade we were considered exotic and especially durable. I was a wolf ibrida, and I quite looked it, possessing the ears, tail, and fangs of the animal, and a bit of enhanced senses. Perhaps some of the personality, if you got too close.

I could hardly remember a life outside of this. I was pretty young when the slave trade captured me, having stumbled across a wandering, dirty child with nowhere to go and no one to look for them. I'd been lost and alone, and could only tell anyone my name. My parents were long gone. Although I hadn't had a home before, I'd had a home in the freedom I'd once possessed. Entering this underground life wasn't an easy way, but I did favor my labor and servitude to some of the more unsavory work the other girls were forced into. Crown Pets especially were popular among sex work or other erotica, many of them being dancers. They populated high-end brothels, while the lower tier slaves were forced into sleazier joints or to walk the streets; any way to bring in cash for the guards, the people who owned them, or the compound itself.

I would rather my hands be bloody from work and to fall asleep on my feet than to ever become a mindless toy, used for nothing but another person's gain. I'd never been victim to such a dreadful fate, and I always had and would continue to use every ounce of my strength, will, and anger to make sure it stayed that way, even if my fucking teeth and nails were filed to nothing but nubs. The closest I'd come to that fear was working in bars with exotic dancers. I'd never been one, myself; I had too much weight on me, and I lacked the grace and delicateness. I'd always been known to steal rations, both for myself and those I could pass them off to; but even if I ate little, it seemed prone to sticking to me, and I'd begun to lean towards chubby as I grew up. Far from a bad thing, it offered me extra padding and warmth, and even if a particular client didn't prefer it, their problems weren't mine.

I heard a telltale sound of steel grinding and flinched when my door clicked open, snapped out of my train of thought. The warden was already walking away to the next cell by the time I looked up. "Shower time for this section, get moving!" he barked.

I relaxed a fraction. Every time I heard the door open, I dreaded what was going to come out of the warden's mouth. Rising on stiff muscles, I headed out of my cell and grouped with the other women in my section milling about. They tended to separate us, women from men, and those who didn't favor either gender or stood somewhere between; we all worked together at times but the guards wanted to prevent bonds being made, or running the risk of unwanted children. I stripped my clothing off and tossed it aside with the pile of other ratty clothes. The showers were communal, but I'd had to shed my bashfulness ages ago. I was among the shortest in the crowd, but as I'd mentioned, I wasn't thin and fragile either, so I could fight the jostling and shoving. Wandering over to one of the nozzles, I stood beneath the spray of lukewarm water as all the nozzles began to turn on, dousing the room full of us. I shivered until I grew used to the chill, and tilted my head under it to wet my hair. Showers were an ordeal around here even for the resilient. I could hear arguments brewing over the showerheads and soaps already; it was best to rush through it when you could. Reaching for the meager amount of soap we were provided, I scrubbed suds onto my skin and into my hair, smelling faintly of something floral, if flowers grew in hell.

Water washed the bubbles down the drain as I stared down, simply basking in the fresh feeling for a moment, because I knew it would be brief. My hair, a tangled crimson mess, clung to my cheeks and the back of my neck. It only hung to around my chin, and I took a knife to it if it ever grew much more than that. Any longer and I risked it getting matted or worse, infested. The people here with longer hair usually braided it, but I didn't have that patience and preferred to just keep it cut. Abruptly, the water turned off; that was why you washed fast, you never knew the time you would be allowed, and it was never generous. Trembling in the cold air, I scuttled back to my cell, straying away from the escalating shouts over those who weren't finished or those who were shoved around or some such. Back in my tiny home, I found a change of clothes was waiting. To my surprise, the clothes looked quite new. No holes, no stains…clean underwear, with a dark tank-top and shorts, something simple and easy to maneuver or work in, thus I thought little about it. I waited until I was dry before dressing and beginning to comb through my hair with my fingers. The shorts clung to my thighs, exposing more of my legs than I'd like, but when I couldn't ask for even food, who was I to ask for modesty? That ship had sailed—hell, that ship had fucking capsized.

At my cell door, a bored voice drawled to me. "New lookers today, sweetheart." I glanced with a fond smile at one of the guards who treated the slaves fairly, Ryu. Ah, possible buyers, that explained the fresh clothes.

Standing, I headed for the door and leaned against the bars, the picture of laziness. "Any idea who they are?" I asked, cocking my head. Not that it mattered, but I couldn't help being curious, sometimes something new and exciting stumbled this direction. The answer was something I never wanted to hear, and I regretted ever opening my mouth.

Ryu's expression darkened. "Akatsuki," he answered, his cheerful voice now somber. I flinched and began to back away, reaching a hand to cover my mouth. Other cries of shock and outrage echoed from eavesdroppers closest to me, and at least I wasn't the only one horrified. The name alone made blood chill for miles. What purpose would the Akatsuki have in a slave compound? They were infamous across all the villages, the lands—they were the deadliest and most powerful criminal organization to exist and they all but controlled everywhere they could reach. Even the more powerful villages had trouble building defenses against them. People like that could have anything they wanted, there was no reason for them to want a slave, they had no need for us. Right?

So lost in my own alarm, I was startled out of it by a voice—a loud voice—echoing towards me, filling damn near the entire section. "Why the hell did I have to come out to this shithole?" the disdained voice asked, prompting me to furrow my brows and approach the door out of sheer curiosity. I gripped the bars and leaned up onto my toes to catch a glimpse. The voice was masculine, and he was obviously displeased with being here. Well, weren't we all?

"It pays well if you bring them a new capture," a separate, more gravelly voice joined the first. Now my interest was really piqued, but more so out of anger—capture, had traders come in?

"It'd be fucking better to sacrifice the bitch," the first voice grumbled. I scowled at the callous remark. Shifting farther to the side to better my stance, I finally caught sight of the two men. I felt my heart skip a beat or six at the sight of the black cloaks they wore, spotted with red clouds. There was no mistaking the symbol. One of the men was unusually tall with most of his face hidden by a mask, and from what I could see of him, his skin was dark.

His companion was shorter, albeit still rather imposing. He was shirtless, broad and strong. Even without the Akatsuki cloak, most could recognize him to be a shinobi. His skin was pale and his hair, slicked back out of his face, was a dull silver. The taller man was holding a blonde woman by her arm, and he was speaking with the warden. He was obviously here to sell her, the bastard.

Appearing to grow bored waiting, the silver-haired man turned away from the exchange and began to walk down the line of cells. I was caught off guard by his striking eyes; they were a vibrant purple, almost glowing in the dimness of the compound. They were almost beautiful. Getting lost in the man's strange gaze, I found myself too distracted to keep track of the man approaching, until he stopped right outside of my cell. His eyes narrowed down at me. "What the fuck are you looking at?"

I blinked in shock, affronted, and perhaps a little chagrined I'd gotten caught staring. I hadn't even realized I was doing it. Nonetheless, I didn't take kindly to his harsh tone. Hands on my hips, I lifted my chin to glare right back at him. "Looks like a fucking dumbass," I snapped, mouth running miles ahead of my brain. I had scars to prove the trouble my mouth delivered me, but men like this were not about to earn my diffidence.

The man's eyebrows shot up; he clearly hadn't anticipated an answer, much less such a bold one. "You little bitch," he sneered, eyes narrowing back into a scowl as he stepped closer to the cell door. I had to suppress the urge to step backwards, like he could ever pry apart steel.

I scoffed at his remark all the same. "I know who I am. Now, why don't you take your ass back to your boss, snow white?" I grinned sharply, not above the pettiest of insults just yet. My grin deepened into a smirk when the man grit his teeth in an angry snarl, proving I was quite good at getting under his skin.

"Think you're fucking brave?" he asked, leaning down a bit. "You're nothing but a whore in this hellhole, and you think you can go around with that fuckin' mouth of yours?"

Those were all insults I'd heard before, he was far from unique, but was I still pissed off? Oh yes. I shrugged. "Just like you walk around with that arrogant, bitchy mouth, right?" I retaliated, too stupid to see when to back down, too stupid to see the danger in his eyes. Stupid, stupid girl.

Without a second's hesitation, the man came closer to the cage, wrapping his fingers around one of the bars. He had a good few inches on me, even leaning down to sneer at me. With his impressive build, some part of me wondered again if he couldn't just rip the bars right off the door. Not that I was intimidated. "You should watch that fucking mouth before it gets you in trouble," he said, his voice having suddenly dropped low. A chill arched down my back.

Rising to the challenge, I squared my shoulders. "What the hell are you going to do about it?" As soon as the words had left my mouth, I regretted them, I wanted them back. A sinister (and bit less than sane) expression painted across the man's face, driving me a step backwards. He turned to look over his shoulder at the warden.

"Give me the redhead."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New notes: Heyo, guess who's back, back again with this rewrite bullshit because she can't be happy with her old work! I didn't mean to take such a hiatus, I had to finish writing a different story I hadn't finished before I came back to my rewriting process. Up ahead right here is this old OC story! It was quite popular while it was ongoing, but it was written in the era of cringy OC works, so it's very likely not to pique any attention this time around. But I'm excited to see what I can do with it with my fresher writing skills. Plus, now I'm posting it to AO3. I know OC stories don't seem to do super well anymore, but hey, I hope someone enjoys it, or even an old reader skims it again!
> 
> There's fanart of my OC on my profile, if anyone is interested! Also I'll be posting my new notes on the story first, if I have any, but I'll also be adding the old notes I wrote on the original chapters too, because…well, I was a cringy kid and it's fucking funny to me lmao.
> 
> I know warnings are listed above, but this is a more in-depth warning; this is a dark story that seems to glorify dark elements. I was young when I wrote it, so it's quite problematic, but it's also fiction. Nothing is meant to represent reality within this fic, whatsoever. Please take it with a grain of salt and also protect yourself if you find dark content (rape, underage, violence, etc) triggering.
> 
> For FF users, The cover art is by VampireBasket on dA!
> 
> Old notes, to preserve my former cringe: Dear God, Jesus, Jashin, Zeus, whatever deity there is- I've started another story.
> 
> Heh, can you tell who my favorite character is? XD
> 
> Also, I feel the need to say, this story WILL be dark. Well, darker than what you normally see from me. I know I have problems writing angst so I can't say how bad it will get, but the plot that's stuck in my head has pretty unfriendly things.


	2. Chapter 2

I flinched in horror even as the words took me a second too long to process, but the warden took no time at all. I began to back away when the warden came to unlock the door to my cell, and as it creaked open, he stepped aside to let the silver haired man past him. As he straightened, he looked bigger than ever. With furious bared teeth I pressed myself as far into the wall as I could get, willing the brick to open and swallow me whole. I couldn't have just kept my stupid mouth shut, could I? The intent in the man's smirk promised nothing but cruelty. Reaching out, he took my arm in a cold grip and yanked me forward, nearly slamming me right into him. I shoved my free hand upon his chest to stop the collision, but the bruising hold around my wrist made me wince. "Let go!" I snapped, hoping to at least loosen the iron grip—no such luck, if anything, he tightened his hand, until I almost expected him to break my arm. I felt my bones grinding together, and I could taste my regret.

"How much do you want for this bitch?" the man asked the warden, never taking his eyes off me. I scowled into his face, tempted to spit as I dug my nails into his wrist, hoping for blood; he didn't even flinch. Beside us, the warden's stoic expression had faltered slightly, some semblance of amusement leaking past. After all the trouble I had caused him over the years, I would suppose he was satisfied to see something like this, glad to see me go. No one ever wanted me for long. They always brought me back, often with a complaint or still bleeding wound. Enraged at the thought of being dragged off, even after everything I'd brought this fucking shithole, I snarled at the warden even knowing it would do me no favors. I hated him before and I hated him worse for doing this to me. What a shame I couldn't cause him more hell, perhaps add another scar to his already heavily marred face, but I could make the last few minutes as hard as I could.

"Ten grand," the warden told the price, making me cut my eyes to watch the man's expression. It was a hefty price for someone like me, and I had hope that it would make him balk and change his mind.

"Hidan, let it go. We're here to sell, not to waste funds on some fool you'll only kill in a week's time," the familiar, deep voice from before interjected. I froze as the towering figure of the other man approached, somehow managing to look even more intimidating when he stood before me. I swallowed at his words, the weight of them landing directly on my shoulders and sitting heavy.

His partner—Hidan—scoffed and whirled around to face his companion, and in doing so dragged me along as if I were a ragdoll. "Fuck you, I'm using my own cash, you damn miser," Hidan said. Like anyone else within a mile's radius, I got the gist they didn't get along all too well; Hidan seemed arrogant, even bellicose in the mere minutes I'd seen him, so already I doubted he got along with much of anyone. You could see it in his eyes, he thought we were all beneath him. Suddenly, a glimmer caught my attention, peeking out from Hidan's cloak. At first believing it to be a weapon, I narrowed my eyes and tried to tilt my head to better catch a glimpse of the silver. I realized it was a necklace hanging around Hidan's neck, but he turned around so fast I didn't get a chance to get a good look. I cringed as my already sore arm throbbed with a growing ache, turning purple under Hidan's unrelenting hand.

"I'm not a doll for you to just drag around, you bastard!" I snapped. My harsh tone made Hidan narrow his eyes, but instead of reprimanding me, he was silent as he reached inside his cloak. I felt my throat close up as he pulled out a wad of bills, far more cash than I'd ever seen at once, more than any normal person would carry on them; but Hidan was no normal person, was he? A dangerous member of a criminal organization that had so much of the world under their thumb, I should've known he'd need for nothing, money included; especially if he and his partner made a habit of trafficking people that they caught. Carelessly, as if it were nothing but a bottomless commodity, Hidan tossed the bundle of cash at the warden, who fumbled to catch it. I watched, but my brain was still trying to catch up with everything that was happening. He had thrown that all away so fast, so recklessly—all for me, but all for what? What did he fucking want from me?

It took me a moment to realize I wasn't breathing—my breath had caught in my throat, trapped behind a vehement argument. This was happening, I was leaving and I wasn't coming back. No matter how frightening or painful or terrible, this was home, it was all I knew, and if what the other man said was to be trusted, I might very well be dead by this time tomorrow. My mouth had finally gotten me killed, just like I'd been warned for years. I hardly had a life to lose, yet! I stood frozen, willing myself to remember how to breathe or how to move while the warden counted the bills meticulously. Satisfied, he nodded at Hidan. "Wait a moment while I fetch her documents," he said, pocketing the payment and pocketing the last shred of hope I'd had in the old bastard.

I watched as he marched off in that uppity soldier-like manner, willing him to trip and bust his nose. Hidan's partner muttered something to him in a foreign language, one I'd never heard before, and I had to assume it was the language of his home village. Hidan snapped something back in the same language, and I found myself glad to not understand, to not be privy to this argument that I knew was about me. I had no yearning to hear what the other man wanted Hidan to do, nor did I want to find out what Hidan himself wanted. Did he even know at all, or had he been so spurred on by rage, he'd do nothing but run me through with a knife as soon as I stepped foot outside? The warden returned within moments, cutting off the brewing argument between the two men and carrying a thin stack of papers. Those papers were not dissimilar to those you might get when adopting an animal. I was an animal, stock, an object—and now, I was someone else's problem.

"These are yours, they contain what we know about her, though it's not much. She's spent most of her life in the trade. Please sign here to finalize your purchase." The warden procured a pen, and when Hidan took it to sign, I felt like he was branding my skin. I yanked on my arm to deter him, convince him it wasn't going to be worth it because I wasn't going down without a big fucking fight about it, but it didn't slow Hidan in the least. He signed the paper, and with a simple signature, wrote off my fate to the reaper. He took the documents from the warden and stuffed them in his cloak, but before he could turn away and march off with me still firmly in his grasp, the warden spoke up again, because he just couldn't keep his mouth shut. "I have to warn you, she's one of our more…difficult ones. She's not trained, but should you give her access to her chakra, she might do quite some damage, she's got a trick of hers we keep restricted. I suggest you use this." I glanced down at the warden's hand as he held out the accursed chakra-binding rope that was often used to lead away the "less docile" slaves.

The cells here leeched away chakra when you were confined in them, and when we were let out, we were affixed with a bracelet that restricted chakra, if you were able to use it at all. I was far from a kunoichi, but I'd picked up a thing or two—and as the warden said, some of us had a wild card. Hidan smirked viciously as he took the rope, unfurling it and looping it around my neck. Before I could so much as bristle at the indignation, I choked when he tugged it to tighten it, prompting me to reach up to try and claw at the rope. Panic was starting to set in as the fibers bit into my flesh; I couldn't stand anything around my neck, I couldn't stand being restrained in any way. It meant being vulnerable, and vulnerability meant…

In the midst of my meltdown, entirely oblivious to it, Hidan yanked on the handmade leash, causing me to stumble after him. I had no choice but to follow as he stormed down the corridor, with the rope biting into my neck every time I got just a step too far behind. Moss covered brick flew past in my peripheral vision as Hidan dragged me out of the place I'd called home for so long. I never thought I would be so upset at getting out, nor that I'd long for that dirty old cell, but I'm sure you know the old saying…out of the frying pan and into the fire, and I was walking straight into an inferno.

Hidan's partner trailed a few paces behind us, but that didn't stop him from grumbling. "That was a waste of money. I hope you realize this girl is _your_ responsibility alone, and I suggest if you want to keep her around for long, you don't allow her to hinder your work." This man was a real ray of sunshine. His words did make me nervous though, to the point I felt my stomach twisting into a ball. It wasn't only his impressive size, though that might be part of it, but it was the fact he seemed so callous. He didn't appear to care about anything; he'd treated that blonde woman, me, and even his partner with nothing but ire, and the only thing he'd shown an inkling of interest in was money. To him, I was an object to be discarded, especially if I happened to get in the way. Though right now, Hidan was the one putting me in any way.

"Fuck you, Kakuzu," Hidan said, shooting a look over his shoulder. "Worry about your own shit, I've got mine handled." Oh, did he now?

I wheezed as Hidan headed down the stairs, yanking me along at a pace I could hardly keep up with, and not a moment later I tripped over one of the uneven stairs and fell to my knees. Kakuzu heaved a sigh of impatience as he walked past where I'd tripped, leaving us behind. Hidan rolled his eyes and tugged on the rope. "Get up, bitch!"

"It isn't my fault I fell, you keep dragging me everywhere!" I snapped at him, the rope constricting my throat and making my voice scratchy. Hidan sneered down at me and snapped the rope up hard, yanking me off the ground and up close to his face, almost taking me off the ground completely. I choked on a cry, gasping for air and reaching to wrap my fingers around Hidan's wrist, trying to pry him off before I suffocated. What if he really did kill me, not even an hour after taking me? What if I never even made it out? He certainly didn't seem too worried about what happened either way, and I was beginning to fear he'd really just lit ten grand on fire for the fuck of it.

"I'll teach you some fucking humility," Hidan hissed, inches from my face. I didn't answer, not as if I could, pursing my lips tight and glaring right back into his violet eyes. He snickered before dropping me, and I barely caught my balance. For a moment, I worried he was going to continue after his partner, dragging me along like a stuffed animal on a string. Instead, I felt a familiar tingle near my neck. "You try anything stupid, I'll rip your fucking throat out," Hidan warned.

I realized he was allowing a little chakra through the rope, just enough that I could keep up with him and his partner. It shouldn't have surprised me; shinobi have to travel fast, and as Kakuzu said…if I slowed them down, I was as good as gone. I had no doubt in Hidan's threat though, and even if I'd had total free access to my chakra, there was no way I ever would have tried to fight him, it was a death wish served hot. I was stupid, but I still had half a brain. I knew in my heart I would die if I pushed him too far, and all the doubt I'd clung to previously had evaporated. You want to know why? Because when he pulled me close, I finally saw his necklace. It was a pendant with a triangle facing downwards, a religious symbol…

It was a Jashinist symbol.

You know, you learn a few things when most of your life was spent getting yanked around from one place to the next. Different compounds, different owners, a plethora of jobs…one corner of the world to another. I recognized the glimmering silver, I'd seen the pendant before, and I'd seen the people who wore them. Devoted to a religion of chaos, willing to sacrifice other human lives in the name of their deity. It was a violent, murderous religion that demanded bloodshed, and I'd landed in the hands of someone who seemed to fit the description perfectly.

God, _fuck_.

* * *

Time seemed to pass by in a blur; granted, I was a little busy with my own internal dread and trying not to slip off a tree branch to notice much of what was happening around me. The journey took a couple of hours at most, and it passed largely in silence, with the occasional bickering between Hidan and Kakuzu. My earlier speculation was proving right, they didn't appear to get along, and Hidan seemed like he actively tried to antagonize his partner while Kakuzu hated everything that left Hidan's mouth. Out of nowhere, Hidan came to an abrupt stop, forcing me to skid to a halt lest I either crash into him or shoot past him and choke myself. At some point, the pair had begun to travel using the treetops, not at all fun but a decent way to avoid detection, I suppose. While catching my breath, I shot Hidan a glare when I heard a snicker. Did he have to find every moment of my pain or panic funny?

"Come here, bitch," Hidan ordered, pulling my body close against his, to my immense displeasure. He reached to cover my eyes with one hand before hopping down, leading me blindly alongside him. I didn't care for this trust exercise, and I made it known by pulling at his grip in annoyance, but Hidan tightened the rope around my throat, and it was enough encouragement to relent a bit. My strength was no match for his by far, and feeling so small was…unpleasant, to say the least. I'd never felt small in my life, not physically nor emotionally. Without warning, a sudden deafening rumble surrounded me, and it felt as if I'd blacked out in the thundering noise for several seconds before Hidan suddenly shoved me forward. I opened my eyes to nothing but darkness, and briefly wondered if I'd been blinded.

"Walk," a harsh voice growled close to my ear, and Hidan nudged me forward. I stumbled onwards in my hurry to comply, hoping to avoid any further choking incidents. My ears flitted back and forth, trying to pick up any hints as to where I might be, but my ibrida lineage wasn't doing me any favors. My ears were still ringing from the earlier raucous noise, and perhaps I was just too on edge to focus at all. I was lost. A vague sense of fear was burgeoning in my gut as the cold air surrounded me, making me shiver as it wrapped around me like a fog. Up ahead, we began to approach a great stone door, and I came to a pause in front of it. What kind of hidden, unknown place was this? How far had we come? Hidan approached it first, placing his hand flat upon it. With a reluctant creak, the door began to open, granting us entry into a place I held no wish to enter.

With a sigh, Hidan headed inside, leading me to follow. His grip on the rope had slackened, but it was still far from comfortable, and I wasn't about to test my luck with it and lose every inch. Hidan led me farther into the base, until unwelcoming stone corridors gave way to what looked more like a livable space. I crossed my arms tight around myself, simmering with buzzing adrenaline, an ugly cocktail of anger and fear. Hidan came to a pause at an arching doorway, one that led into what looked almost like a living area—a shared space that, most frightening, actually looked lived in instead of standing with a layer of dust and memory.

"Who's she, yeah?" an unfamiliar suddenly spoke, making me jump. I turned to search for the source of the question and caught the bright blue gaze of a young man with long golden hair. He was lounged across a couch as if he'd been asleep, but he had his head cocked back to look at me and Hidan, a brow raised. Though he looked bored, his eyes glimmered with interest. I felt like an animal on display.

"Meet the bitch who smarted off at the whorehouse Kakuzu does his business at," Hidan said, his introduction less than stellar.

"My _name_ is Amaya," I snapped, aiming a glare at Hidan.

The blond snickered, rising from the couch and heading towards us with a smirk on his lips. "Watch it, kid. This isn't someone you'll want to piss off, yeah." I wondered if that was a speech habit, or if this guy was drunk. He seemed a little too lucid for that, though. I didn't think to respond to his warning, but there wasn't much I could have said. I'd already met Hidan's temper. Or, I'd met a watered-down version…

The new man cast a critical look over me. "Danna can make you a chakra-collar, so she won't need that rope everywhere she goes," he said. Narrowing his eyes, he reached out and flicked at one of my pointed ears. It twitched, making me scowl as I watched his smirk deepen. "She some kind of hybrid, yeah?"

"I would fucking guess so," Hidan remarked sarcastically, before he started to head down one of the many hallways. "Tell that puppet bastard I want that collar!" he called back to the blond, who stood watching us go. The farther into the twisting corridors we went, the colder it seemed to feel, until Hidan finally came to a stop at an inconspicuous door. It was ingrained into the stone, and when Hidan opened it, the air inside was…unwelcoming. It was like entering the lair of a predator that you could feel was still lurking in wait. He shoved me forward into the dark room without preamble, and I winced when I fell and crashed onto the unforgiving ground. I pushed myself up on my hands and cast a bitter look at Hidan, who only grinned coolly. "Sleep on the fucking floor until I get back. Touch anything, I'll cut off your hands before you fucking blink."

With that warm warning, he was gone, the door slamming after him. He had sounded so careless, almost bored. _Bored,_ as if despite purchasing and mishandling me, he had the gall to be bored with it. Sore and drained, I curled up with my back against the bedframe, wrapping my tail around my legs in an effort to keep myself warm in the drafty room. It was pretty barren; a bed, a few shelves, a desk and chair… There was another door in the corner, presumably leading to a bathroom, but I was too weary to get up and look. There were some suspicious stains on the floor and walls that I was content to ignore, but I couldn't ignore this place felt more like a prison than a bedroom.

I leaned my face on my knees. In all my years spent in compounds, no one had ever purchased me as a personal slave. No one had ever purchased me permanently. I'd never been owned—not wholly, not completely. No matter how heinous my conditions, I could always look forward to returning home to my homely little cell, away from any hard-hitting hand or nasty hovel. Sure, the compound hadn't been luxurious, but…it'd been mine. The people there had been mine. I had…been mine. I was glad to be loaned out, to have laborious jobs, to learn and to see and to experience, and to pretend my taste of freedom was forever. This was different, and I didn't know what to think of it or what to expect. For temporary service, there were rules in the contract. Now…all the rules were Hidan's to make, and he didn't appear as a man of leniency.

I'd met slaves who'd had permanent owners before, at the compound. Sometimes they got returned, for various reasons here and there. Other times, if their owner died, they were set to be returned back to the compound. It was a law in most compounds or even districts that when they sold slaves, the servant was to be returned back into servitude so that they didn't pollute the streets. It was rare a master obtained full freedoms for a slave; even rarer they wanted to try. Of all the times I'd been sold out, I'd gotten little care and little attention. As long as I did my work without complaint, I was left alone, I was just another fly on the wall. This situation already looked bleak. I was trapped with a Jashinist, a member of a powerful criminal organization, who'd already exhibited how little he valued me, how sadistic and arrogant he was likely to be. I could see my future here was likely to be brief.

They always tell you as a kid that life isn't fair, but you're supposed to at least have a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New notes: You know, usually rewriting stories is a pain in the ass, and I was afraid of getting to this story due to how long it is. But I forgot how much fun this story was to write! That almost makes it fun to rewrite! I'm sure later down the road I'll start screeching, like always.
> 
> Old notes: N/A


	3. Chapter 3

" _Slam!"_

The jarring sound reverberated through the floor, snapping me out of the fitful slumber I'd unknowingly slipped into. I scrambled to my knees in a panic and threw my arms up in front of me in a wild bid to protect myself, even if it was against something I wasn't fully aware of yet. It was too bad that what I needed protecting from could snap my arm like a willow branch. A shadow loomed as Hidan paused to stand over me, his expression twisted into cold amusement. "Like you could fucking stop me if I wanted to do something," he taunted, reaching out and wrapping his cold fingers around my wrist to yank me off the floor completely.

I might as well affix his hand to my arm as a bracelet, though the bruise had sunk bone deep, so that would have to do. While he hauled me up, I thrashed in his grip like a fish pulled out of water, feral in my attempt to free myself or to preserve any sense of my pride, but it was futile. Pathetic, even. Hidan twisted my arm behind my back so far, I thought he'd rip it right out of its socket. A scream tore from my throat, tasting of pain and rage; a concoction that burned from my throat all the way down to my stomach. In an effort to save my arm I ceased my struggle, and the moment of ceased fire allowed Hidan the opportunity to wrap something around my throat. The cold material fit snug, sending goosebumps racing across my skin that were not solely from the chill—it was unmistakably a collar.

Hidan finally let me go once the collar was secured, and I sank to the floor as if the damned thing were made of two ton steel. I reached shaking fingers up to pry at the collar, scraping my nails against it and even clawing at my own neck, determined to rip the damned, degrading, disgusting band off of my body. Even if I had to ply it with my own blood, I wanted it gone, gone, gone. Despite my swelling panic, the collar wouldn't budge, and Hidan laughed at my vain efforts. My eyes hardened as I raised them to glare into his face, the chill from earlier replaced with a searing hate. How dare he—he had no fucking right! Without a second thought, I launched myself into Hidan, clinging onto the full intent of clawing out those glimmering fucking eyes. I wasn't a house pet, I wasn't a dog, I wasn't going to act like one and he had no right to try to treat me like I was. I didn't give a damn what any amount of paperwork said. I'd burn it all to ash, and then I'd burn down that compound, too. I wasn't about to sit around on the floor and let anyone, this asshole _especially,_ do whatever he wanted, not to me. I was a person too, and no one was going to tell me otherwise.

With reflexes sharper than I'd first expected, Hidan managed to catch me, but my momentum sent us both crashing to the floor with me landing on top of him. I became a flurry of spitting and cussing; perhaps a little less than human at the moment, or perhaps a little more. Spitting out a curse of his own, Hidan got both my wrists in his grip and tightened it, and I felt time freeze still as he looked right at me. Those bright fuchsia eyes narrowed into a scowl so filled with anger and cruel intent, visible down to the depths. I shivered, but I could no longer feel the cold.

"You're a stupid little bitch, aren't you?" Hidan hissed as he pushed himself forward. I yelped when the force he used was enough to shove me backwards, ramming my back into the solid ground as Hidan landed above me. He kept my arms pinned near my head, which had made a lovely cracking sound against the floor. I wished I could've snapped something at him, but I was too busy trying to blink away the sudden spots in my vision as a throb pierced through my skull.

"Fuck you," I spat, the default for my addled brain. It was still said with vicious anger, past grit teeth that I wished I could sink into Hidan. He rolled his eyes, but to my immense surprise, he let go of my battered wrists. That relief was short-lived though, and tragically underappreciated. Hidan buried a hand in my hair and began to stand, wrenching me up along with him with so much ease it was like my weight was of complete insignificance. I was practically nothing to Hidan, and I was only just starting to understand that. As a searing pain lit up my scalp I cried out and reached up to try and loosen Hidan's grip on my hair, desperate to alleviate my already pounding headache. I'd grievously underestimated Hidan's strength, and perhaps his willingness to use it; I could feel him tightening his fingers in the strands of my hair and it was like fire bursting across my fucking head.

"Let me go!" I screamed, as if my voice would carry out of this stone prison; more than that, as if anyone here would care. I didn't have any friends here, I no longer had anyone who would step in on my behalf, anyone who would sympathize or at least wince in pity. I was completely on my own, and the realization ached as much as my head. Now ripped off the ground entirely, my legs flailed under me as I struggled to kick Hidan, but to no avail. It was a valiant attempt anyway, at least to me. Suddenly, Hidan shoved me backwards, knocking the wind out of me as he squeezed me against the wall. I sucked in a ragged gasp, already feeling a terrible throb blooming across my back. It felt like he was crushing me, but to my horror, I could feel the shaky restraint in his limbs, as if he didn't want to hold back at all. One of his hands still tangled in my hair, keeping my head wrenched back and pinned against the stone. To my horror, stinging tears sprung to my eyes, but I stubbornly squeezed them shut. No, no way in hell. If he wanted a battle, I'd bring him a war.

"You don't know how to shut your mouth, and I'll make you fucking regret it," Hidan growled, so close to me I felt his breath fan across my cheek. I turned my face to the side as much as I could, trying to wrench the dredges of my fury into my expression, to twist my tears into a scowl. I just had to pray Hidan was too oblivious to see the deception in the front I was putting on, it would only drive him harder. I had to, I had to put something up to cover the fear burgeoning in my chest. I'd spent my entire life fighting, the wolf that bit the hand that fed her because the same hand beat her. Now, I'd met a beast bigger than I was. I didn't know how to lose, I didn't know how to give up—I knew how to fight, and a wolf fought until they won or until they died.

In a jarring movement, Hidan reeled a hand back and drove a fist into my stomach, punching away my ability to breathe. I couldn't even scream. My mouth hung open in a silent shout, or perhaps a futile hunt for breath, vision blacking for a second. I tried my best to suck in a gasp, however small, I just needed something to ease the flaring pain inside, anything to regain my bearings again. Hidan backed away to watch me drop to the ground, choking for the air he'd stolen from me. I hit the floor on my knees and hardly had time to thrust an arm out to catch myself, with my other arm curling around my abdomen, trying to soothe the pain. I felt as if he'd punched a hole straight through me. It would certainly explain where all my air was escaping from, despite every wheezing breath I dragged in.

Regrettably, I felt a hot tear dripping down my cheek. It fell to the ground, and I swore I heard the water crashing onto stone. I shut my eyes tight, hoping he might not have seen, but I would never have such luck. Masters preyed on weakness, monsters ate fear, and I'd foolishly delivered him the kill he'd been hunting.

"Oh, did I hurt you, princess?" Hidan cooed, his voice saccharine and making my stomach turn. _Damn him._

A rough hand reached beneath my chin, grabbing my jaw and squeezing. Hidan forced me to tilt my head up, and I winced at the sight of his eyes, so alight with excitement. From what, from this? What kind of sick bastard got off on hurting people like this? I was too lost to even wrap my mind around it, I was busy trying to cope with the aches wracking my body. I didn't even want to look at the bruises that were certainly bursting across my skin like fireworks. At the moment, pain was a liquid Hidan had injected right into my veins.

"You're fucking pathetic," Hidan spat, snatching his hand away as if touching me somehow burned him. I hoped it did. He stepped back, wearing sinister grin on his mouth as he reached to the side, and my eyes followed as he curled his fingers around the handle of an intimidating, three-bladed scythe. The weapon was as big as Hidan, but he lifted it like it weighed nothing, as much as a knife even. For a split-second, as quick as the gleam of silver, I thought he might really be about to kill me, all in the blink of an eye.

Instead, Hidan walked away from me, the wind of the scythe brushing past me and making me squeeze my eyes closed. The door clanked shut behind him, leaving me to wallow in my own misery…like the pitiful little dog I was, huh? I snorted at my own derisive thought. Had to laugh to keep from crying and all. My amusement only brought me twinges of pain, and I leaned onto my side to relieve it, still gasping softly to get enough air into my reluctant lungs. I could only lie in wait for my insides to stop churning. I blinked at the blurry walls, the fading light casting shadows up and down them like lost snakes trickling into the cracks.

The creeping tendrils of the shadows brought a chill with them, and I drew my legs closer, curling in on myself. Small, smaller than I had ever felt. He could've given me a blanket, the inhospitable bastard. I scoffed wryly and reached to rub the residual burn from my eyes, resolutely promising myself to never cry in front of Hidan again. It only spurred him on, and I was far from a weak little girl who broke down at so much as a raised hand. No, I prided myself on being strong, on a high pain tolerance, on being better than the fucks like those at the compound or Hidan. Yet, it had been some time since I'd been so…tested. I was simply out of touch, I'd bounce back. Reaching up, I tugged at the collar yet again, loathing the way it clung to my neck and all but laughing at my efforts to claw it off.

"Knock, knock!"

The sudden sound at the door made me jump, but I soon realized that I doubted Hidan was going to knock at his own door. The sound was ominous as it echoed off the walls, reminding me again how very alone and very far away from anything I knew I was. I sat up to watch with baited breath and round eyes as the door creaked open. I wasn't quite sure what I should prepare for, but when a vaguely familiar face stepped through the door, I found myself relaxing. Only a fraction, and only for a moment, but any face was better than Hidan's. The man with the long blond hair stood in the doorway, and while he hadn't proven himself to be safe, he hadn't yet proven himself to be as bad as Hidan, either. That would be a hard feat right now.

Glancing up first, the blond cocked his head when he spotted me on the ground, arching a slim brow. He walked into the room without a word, and to my credit, I didn't flinch when he knelt in front of me. He held out a hand, and I stared at it a moment in suspicion. "I told you to watch your mouth, un," the blond said with a light smirk, somehow succeeding in sounding both condescending and sympathetic. It was an impressive feat, and I slowly reached up and slipped my hand into his, allowing him to pull me up to stand. I was thankful for the help from someone seemingly not running on the need to hurt and humiliate, but a sudden startling sensation on my palm made me jerk my arm back, staring at the wet stripe on my hand in awe.

"What the hell?" I murmured, glancing back down to where the man was now turning his hand over. There, in his palm, was a mouth, and in that mouth was a tongue, waving around like it had a mind of its own. I was torn between being confused and being impressed, because, well, that definitely wasn't something one saw every day.

"We all gotta have some tricks, don't we?" he winked, brushing away the fringe of his hair and revealing another startling sight that I presumed was one of his other…tricks. A metal scope attached to his other eye. I couldn't help but stare, only to flush when I caught myself, averting my gaze again. "It's for my art, yeah," he explained, but that only served to deepen my curiosity. Art? What kind of art could he possibly use these things for?

"Art?" I asked tentatively.

He smirked at me again, and I found it much friendlier than Hidan's. "Art is a bang, yeah? Maybe I'll show you later. I doubt Hidan has plans to let you out anytime soon," he shrugged, cutting his eye towards the door. "My name is Deidara, since I'm sure he didn't tell you, un."

I grimaced at the thought of being trapped in this room for god knew how long, but I knew what Deidara was saying was most likely true. I'd be stuck in this prison for a while, especially after pissing Hidan off; I'd only jumped from one cage right into another. The throbbing ingrained in my bones returned tenfold. Deidara sighed then and reached out, brushing a stray lock of my hair out of my face. The gentle gesture startled me, prompting me to stiffen away from the otherwise harmless touch.

"Look, Amaya, I'm sorry that you're stuck here, especially under these circumstances. I wish I could help, but I couldn't even help myself, un," Deidara's gaze hardened, the blue freezing into ice. "Even if you beat all the odds and run, they'll hunt you down and kill you, whether you're a member or not. You belong to one, you'll belong to it all." Deidara's warning rang in my head, like a key turning in the lock of my cage. Despair welled inside me as he turned around to leave, closing the door once again and gifting me solitude. I slid to the ground in a heap, folding in on myself and wrapping my arms around my knees as I hid my face. Hopelessness had never been an option, even despite bouncing from one cage to another, one prison to another, one hell to…but that was my reality, I couldn't hide from that anymore. This was it, wasn't it? This was how it was always going to be?

Captive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New notes: I can't stand writing Deidara's speech sometimes lmao, I'll either forget to sprinkle in his speech habit or feel like I doused too much of it in. Also, as I do with the rest of the rewritten stories, I read the original/older version and go off it (of course, since the plot isn't a complete overhaul), and this story is saturated with so much edgy angst. I was really going through it back then. I'm still lowkey into it though, give me that bad romance.
> 
> Old notes: My beta is on a short break right now so I'm editing this myself, sorry if it seems choppy. I'm trying so, so hard not to rush my work anymore. Please review, I care about this story and want to know if you like it and if you'll give me some helpful criticism.
> 
> Yes, I gave Amaya a friend, because as we all know, I suck at complete angst, and wanted her to have someone in her times of darkness since no one else cares and Hidan is abusing her. So I chose Deidara, since they both have in common the fact that they were brought to the Akatsuki against their will.


	4. Chapter 4

Darkness was intimidating company, and I was finding myself antsy in its presence. I'd never really deemed myself afraid of the dark, but I'd also seldom been left within its claws for long, at least not all alone. The compound was lit with torches for the guards to find their way around, and most of the time I'd been in the company of others like me. Now, I was starting to realize I'd been a bit too dependent on that. It hadn't been for protection or safety, but sheerly for the sake of not being on my own. The longer I sat in this godforsaken room, the more I felt suffocated by the shadows surrounding me. No longer did they creep up the walls, but instead they swallowed the room. Every creak made me flinch, and before long even the sound of my own breathing became unnerving. I kept my eyes squeezed shut once the darkness tried to play tricks on me, making me believe the shadows were moving, hunting. I would rather see nothing than to see monsters. I hated this, I hated the dark—was I afraid of the dark? Or was it the waiting, the anticipation, the unknowing of what might be there?

Perhaps that was why when Hidan decided to grace me again with his presence, I felt a smidgen of relief. I stiffened when the door opened, my limbs both freezing and struggling to unfold as I looked up, a feeling I might equate to an unoiled doll trying to get up. Hidan made an annoyed sound when he came in, having shoved the door forward in a hurry. "Can't see a fucking thing," he grumbled, and in the next moment the room was awash in light, nearly blinding me. Despite my gratitude for the brightness, I winced and blinked fast to try and clear the spots from my vision. Hidan turned to the side then, as if just remembering I was there, violet gaze landing on me—it stayed for a beat too long. "What?" I asked past grit teeth, unseen hackles having risen.

Hidan snorted. "Don't flatter yourself, mutt."

Right, you were one to talk, you asshole. I pursed my lips and leaned my head back down against my knees, facing the wall so I might ignore him easier. I was in no mood for another fight, but my yearning for silence got foiled by own stomach growling suddenly. I flushed in embarrassment and looked away, willing away the rumbling complaint. I couldn't remember when I'd last eaten; two days, three? The emptiness in my gut had returned with a gnawing vengeance. I scowled when I heard Hidan snicker. "Poor little bitch hungry?" he asked, and I didn't even have to look up to see his smirk. I wrapped my arms around my midsection to muffle my angry stomach, raising my head to aim a stubborn glare at Hidan. He only cackled, rearing his head back with the cold laugh as he turned away from me and vanished into the bathroom.

I found myself longing for the earlier silence in the dark.

I hugged myself tighter, trying to fight off the trembling that had broken out in my limbs. I was cold, hungry, exhausted…a bone-deep ache rattled through me, and I could see my wrists darkening with bruises; I didn't even want to look at my back or my stomach. I wondered if this might be easier if I'd come from better conditions, instead of somewhere bad simply to somewhere worse. I could have been better prepared, maybe.

Hidan came out of the bathroom some time later, and I cut my eyes to the side to watch him, too wary to not keep an eye on him. His hair hung damp around his face, with drops of water still dripping down his naked torso, across dips and planes of muscle. His religion must have an aversion to clothes, I pondered wryly. The pendant still glistened loyally around Hidan's throat, and a part of me was curious if he'd worn it into the shower, or if he ever took it off at all. I averted my gaze before Hidan could catch me, bitterly remembering that staring had been the thing that had gotten me into this mess in the first place.

I listened as Hidan cursed at something, or maybe he only cursed for the sake of it. A man like him wouldn't surprise me to have that limited vocabulary. He flipped the light off and headed for his bed, leaving me curled on the floor like a kicked dog, too afraid to move. I wasn't afraid to open my mouth, though. "What, no blanket?" I drawled sarcastically, once again happy to criticize his hospitality.

"Did I fucking give you one?" Hidan asked, equal sarcasm dripping from his words.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and rubbed at my goose-bump covered arms, hoping to keep them from going numb. Maybe I wasn't doing myself a favor there, though; earlier on, numbness would've come as a blessing. Hidan tisked at me before quieting, and in the eerie silence of the room, I listened as his breathing evened out, until I was sure he'd fallen asleep. Only then did I dare move, lying down and huddling into a ball, clinging to the fading warmth. I grit my teeth against their chattering, too stubborn to acknowledge I was cold, and too tired to do anything but ignore it. I wanted nothing more than to sleep, I craved the soothing cradle of a dream. But no matter which way I turned, I couldn't fall asleep, I couldn't settle down. I couldn't shut my mind up.

_What if, what if, what if?_

* * *

A booming noise ripped me from a shallow sleep, punting me into consciousness gracelessly. I bolted upright with a choked gasp and tried to shove myself backwards (away from perceived danger) but I'd already put myself in the corner. God, I hated being startled awake, it left me feeling like I was still stuck in a dream, but the feeling was at least something familiar; I still remembered the sound of the grating alarm back ho—er, back at the compound. I clutched at my thundering heart as I listened to Hidan snap something in his native tongue (I'd yet to figure out where he was from, I'd never heard the language before, leading me to believe he was from a smaller lesser-known village) and throw the blankets off himself. Hidan stormed towards the door and tossed it open, disappearing into the hallway in a rage and leaving me to my unpleasant shock. This was not quite how I'd anticipated a first morning.

"If your fucking explosions wake me up one more fucking time, I swear to Jashin—" Hidan had started bellowing somewhere down the corridor, and I listened as a somewhat familiar voice snapped back at him. Deidara?

"Oh, you'll sacrifice me, un? To that false god of yours?" Deidara drawled, not sounding the least bit intimidated, even though his words made my own blood run cold.

"Fuck you _and_ your shitty fucking art," Hidan said back. I could just picture him, teeth bared in a furious snarl.

"At least I can string a real sentence together, yeah," Deidara said, and I covered my mouth to smother a laugh. A sudden crashing sound had me jumping to my feet, eyes wide with surprised worry, but Deidara's sing-song taunt came only moments later, careless as ever. "Missed me!"

Hidan's growl followed after, growing louder until he came barging into the room again, like a predator that had just missed its prey by a hair. He reached for where his scythe was leaning on the wall, and fixed me with a narrowed look as an afterthought. "I'll be back later, you stay out of fucking trouble, bitch."

I crossed my arms as I watched him leave. What made it so hard to say my fucking name? Once he was out of the room, I allowed my shoulders to sag, tension dripping down my spine as I finally relaxed for the first time since last night. I'd quite learned to appreciate isolation, now that it wasn't pitch black, at least it meant no one was around to hurt you. With Hidan gone, it also meant a moment's peace.

"Are you all right, yeah?" I jumped at the question, snapping back to attention in time to watch Deidara cock a brow. For someone who was apparently an explosives specialist, he sure could sneak up on you.

"I'm…I'm fine," I told him, rubbing at my arm.

Deidara rolled his eye as he approached to stare down at me, dubious of my claims. "Terrible liar, un," he said, making me chuckle mirthlessly. I thought I'd been pretty good, but maybe I was out of my league here.

"Can't blame me for trying," I said, and my stomach growling punctuated my sentence. I winced, glancing away when Deidara narrowed his eyes. In the midst of the busy morning, I'd forgotten the hole in my stomach.

"Have you not eaten yet?" he asked, to which I shrugged.

"It's, uh, been a few days actually," I admitted. Deidara's eye widened for a moment before it narrowed into an icy scowl, almost making me want to back away from him. I only just managed not to flinch when he reached forward and grabbed my arm, more careful than earlier encounters I'd been having lately.

"The last thing I'm gonna let him do is starve you," Deidara muttered as he led me out of the room. I wasn't too sure I had explicit permission to leave, but I didn't know how to tell Deidara no. I tried to keep track of where Deidara was taking me, but the corridors were all the same; a convoluted stone maze where you couldn't tell one shadow from another. Every time I blinked my eyes, I couldn't tell if I was in the same place or somewhere entirely different. Eventually, Deidara's seemingly aimless wandering led us into a kitchen of some sort. It felt odd, seeing a kitchen in a place that felt so…out of touch with the outside world. It almost felt like there were hints of a home hidden in secret corners of the base. I just wouldn't know where to look.

"This place is so big," I murmured, taking a seat at the counter where Deidara gestured me. He moved towards a stovetop, and with a flick of a switch, a small flame lit.

"Well, it's home to ten— _eleven_ people," Deidara said, catching himself and correcting his mistake, though I didn't feel much at home here. That wasn't his fault, though. If anything, Deidara was the one nice thing about this hellhole so far. I was being a bit brazen in trusting him so soon, but I felt that if he really sought to hurt me, he'd have done it already, especially with Hidan gone. People like that often made themselves known fast, even if they considered themselves clever in hiding it. I'd made friends before, in my time indentured. Most were other slaves or otherwise contracted folks I'd met along the way, while others happened to be kinder employers. It wasn't unheard of, but it was…risky, to say the least, trusting anyone who held a proverbial knife to your neck. When you were property, the person who owned you was never truly your ally.

Deidara pushed a steaming bowl of noodles in front of me, thus snapping me out of my trance. I blinked, the scent of fresh food wafting around me and making my stomach rumble in longing. I didn't waste a moment, ignoring both temperature and taste as I downed the meal. It was a force of habit; eat before it got taken away. Time wasn't a luxury I was familiar with. No time to eat, to sleep, or to catch your breath. Though with a bit of a burned tongue, I sighed once I had downed the meal, relieved to feel the emptiness inside me dissipating and replaced with a warm fullness. "Thanks—thanks a bunch," I said, offering Deidara a smile. It felt weird on my lips, a hesitant but genuine grin.

Deidara took the bowl and headed to the sink, giving me a lazy shrug. "I'm…not like the others here, most of them," he told me as he washed the bowl. "At least I'm not about to starve a fucking kid, yeah."

I furrowed my brows. Sometimes Deidara spoke like he was as much of a prisoner as me, almost like he hated it here. But if that were true… "Why…why are you here, if you're so against it?" I asked, hoping not to overstep my bounds.

A dark laugh fell from Deidara's mouth, empty of any real humor. He turned back to me and leaned against the counter with folded arms. I noticed he wasn't looking at me, but to the side. "Few years ago, they wanted to recruit me. I refused, didn't want to be tied down or controlled, yeah." Deidara's gaze hardened. "One of their members challenged me to a battle. If I lost, I'd belong to the Akatsuki. I underestimated him. I guess you can see what happened," Deidara said, finally looking towards me with a chilling smile. I swallowed. So, he'd been forced into it, all but abducted and dragged here by someone else.

This felt a little familiar.

Deidara suddenly looked over my shoulder with a scowl, his gaze so full of hatred it made me shiver. I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that. Cautious, I turned and risked a look at the person who'd earned Deidara's loathing. My eyes met with blank, dark ones, the surface like a pool of onyx that I couldn't see past. I froze, feeling pinned in place like a butterfly as recognition dawned on me. Standing before me was, unquestionably, one of the deadliest shinobi alive.

Uchiha Itachi.

The man glanced at me for a moment, decidedly disinterested, before leveling a cool look in return to Deidara's scowling. I felt caught in the middle of something dangerous, just waiting for the boiling point.

"Amaya, what the hell happened to your back, yeah?" Deidara's incredulous voice interrupted the tension that had erupted in the room, and I froze, shutting my eyes. It wasn't the off switch I'd quite wanted. Turning around must have pulled my shirt up just enough to reveal the bruising that had darkened on my skin. I hadn't had a chance to check it out myself, but I could certainly feel it. Berating myself, I stumbled over an explanation.

"Well, uh…" I trailed off, because despite anything I said, it was obvious what had happened. There was no point in lying, but telling the truth felt so… I held still as Deidara leaned towards me, reaching for my shirt and pulling it up a bit more to get a look at the extent of the bruise. I heard him suck in a breath, but I kept my eyes down, willing myself to shrink out of the room. Once again, I felt like a project on display, studied by too many eyes. I winced and stood up, pulling away from Deidara.

"What did he do?" Deidara asked, his hand clenched into a fist. His voice was sharp but quiet, and I couldn't help but wonder if that was for my benefit, if he thought I was an animal that might jump at any loud sound. I could still feel Itachi's gaze on me, heavy, but he'd said nothing, and I couldn't tell if he was curious or couldn't care less. Either or, his presence alone made me bristle.

"He got angry," I said simply. What else was there to say?

Deidara made a disgusted sound and rounded the corner of the counter. "What an asshole," he muttered, taking my arm again and pulling me with him, past Itachi. My arm brushed against the older man's, and our eyes met for a brief moment where time almost seemed to freeze. It felt like just looking into his eyes trapped me in a trance. I couldn't see anything when I looked into Itachi's eyes; neither warmth, nor the cruelty I expected to find. Of course, I couldn't be sure that meant there was an absence of it. I would have to be completely void of senses to not know Itachi's lengthy history. A man like this? His heart must be long gone.

Deidara took me to a bedroom, one that I presumed to be his. Littered across the floor, shelves, and desktop, there was a plethora of clay and tiny sculptures. I knelt down to inspect a statue shaped like a bird, smiling to myself as I admired the intricate details. It looked so close to being real, I half expected the statue to flap its wings. "Is this what you meant by art?" I asked, looking up at Deidara.

His earlier frost had melted, and he was grinning again. "Some of it. These aren't made with my usual clay, I reserve that for bombs, yeah."

Oh, well, I was glad to not be holding a live bomb in my hand. I set the sculpture down and stood up, dusting my hands. "I'd like to see the real thing sometime," I said, unable to resist my curiosity to see Deidara in action. If the Akatsuki had sought after him so diligently, he must be a sight. I took a seat beside Deidara on his bed, my expression softening. "So…it was Itachi who abducted you?" I asked, cocking my head.

Deidara scoffed and leaned back against the wall. "I wouldn't put it that way, exactly. He challenged me and won, so I got dragged back here. It was all because of those damn eyes of his, yeah," Deidara spat.

I paused to wrack my brain. Eyes—the Sharingan, that must be what Deidara meant. I'd heard stories about it, even some from shinobi who claimed to have fought an Uchiha before long ago. It was a deadly and powerful Kekkei Genkai, not something I'd ever like to encounter, myself…I couldn't imagine being Deidara.

"I see why you hate him so," I said.

Deidara's lip curled. "Hate him and this place. It's like a prison—I left my village because I didn't want anyone controlling or using me, yeah. Look where I ended up." He huffed a dry laugh. "That damn Sharingan disrespects me, what I stand for—damn near everything, yeah."

Itachi didn't look like he could care less about any of those things, but I didn't argue. I knew nothing about him nor his relationship with Deidara. Instead, I rested a hand on Deidara's knee, offering the only reassurance I could. "Not to disrespect your home, but I don't care for it much here either," I said, sharing another laugh with Deidara. "I guess I didn't leave that much behind, though."

Deidara sighed, putting his arms behind his head. "Yeah, I didn't either. Had a boyfriend, but I doubt he even noticed I went missing, un." Deidara shrugged a bit.

Ouch. I'd rather have no one at all than have to wonder if they cared. "For what it's worth, he missed out," I grinned, nudging Deidara gently. Deidara blinked at me, appearing to study me a moment before he relaxed, a half-smile on his lips.

"So, Hidan found you at a slave compound, yeah?" Deidara asked, continuing once I nodded affirmation. "How did you end up in that place?"

I folded my arms around myself. "I…don't really remember," I confessed. I'd never told anyone else, but to be fair, no one had really asked. "I was very young. Something had happened to my family, but I don't remember enough about them to know. I only really remember the compound and the life it brought. Being here almost makes me miss it." I'd even had a few friends there, but…I doubted I had any that wouldn't betray me for a decent meal. I couldn't blame them, either. This was not a life for the soft, so that was my fault.

Deidara hummed in acknowledgment, his expression troubled, and that further spurred me to ask a question that had been bugging me since meeting him. "Deidara…" I started, hesitant, but I'd already begun. "Why are you doing this? Being so kind to me, I mean." I stared down at my bruised wrists. Deidara had no reason—not that I could see. He had more reason to avoid it. "I…I'm a slave to your teammate, after all."

Deidara snorted, prompting me to look up at him in surprise. "You're not that different from me, you know. I was never a slave, but I know what it's like to have to do whatever you can to get by, yeah. I know what it's like to have everything stolen from you. I hate seeing that happen again. Besides, I can see a lot of fire in you…I'd hate to see that put out." My eyes widened, watching as Deidara sat up. "I'm not saying I was a saint, un. I was a terrorist, I was already a missing-nin. None of us here are _good_ people—but we've all got our own sense of morality, yeah. No matter how twisted it might seem."

Oh yeah? Hidan and morality? I'd known the man a day and could already tell you he probably couldn't define morality.

"You should probably head back, yeah. It's been a couple hours," Deidara said suddenly, making my eyes widen in surprise. A couple hours?! There was no way! Oh, god, what was Hidan going to do if he didn't find me in his room?

"Thanks again," I said, gracing Deidara with another small smile before I hurried from his room. I made it down a few corridors before getting turned around; I had the memory of a goldish, but these hallways seemed to move on their own. I got as far as the kitchen before completely losing my way, but even the kitchen was a small victory. I stood, peering between my choice of pathways and bouncing my weight from one foot to the other. If I was lucky, I could just say I was trying to find food, should Hidan come looking for me. He'd told me to stay out of trouble, right? Not to stay put.

"To your right, last door," a quiet voice cut through the air. I flinched and turned, a gasp on my lips. Itachi stood in one of the other entryways, sweat on his brow as if he'd just gotten back from outside. He cocked his head at me, but his expression was unreadable. I inclined my head in a nod of thanks, grateful for his guidance as I followed his instructions. Perhaps Deidara had been right, about the individual sense of ideals.

Perhaps I was just a fool, and that was far likelier.

I slipped into Hidan's bedroom, heaving a sigh of relief as I checked to make sure it was empty. Not long after, though, a shiver raced down my back as the clinging chill wrapped around me again. Jesus, Christ. Nowhere else in this place was so freezing. Hidan could really work on the atmosphere, here. The door clicked behind me, and oh, speak of the devil…

"Fuckin' move," Hidan groused, shoving me aside instead of waiting for me to actually move. I stumbled into the wall, bracing against it as I shot him a withering look. I'd gotten back just in time; of course, Hidan might not have even noticed my absence. Then again, I was kind of hard to miss.

Hidan rummaged through his dresser while I leaned against the wall, willing my racing heart to calm down. I'd made it back, and he'd never suspect a thing. When Hidan turned around, his gaze landed on me, but this time I lacked the courage to snap at him for it. I bit my lip as he raked his eyes up and down for a moment. Something icy bloomed in my chest, like a lake tasting its first frost of the winter. I shifted my weight, uncomfortable as I watched Hidan's eyes glimmer with something cruel. "Sixteen, hm?" he asked in a low voice.

I wrapped my arms around myself. "Yeah. You know what number comes after that?" I hissed, bristling with spite.

Hidan's lips curved into a sneer, and he turned on his heel to march towards me. "With your fucking mouth, you're gonna be lucky to make it there." Hidan reached for my hair, grabbing a handful and using his grip to pull me forward. I cried out as pain burst across my scalp, not for the first time, and probably not for the last. Instead of clawing at his arm to try and loosen the grip, I instead opted to press my hands against Hidan's broad chest, struggling to keep some distance between our bodies. I winced when I felt the raw power rippling through him. I didn't think I'd seen half of what he could do.

I winced when my knees hit the ground, Hidan's hand keeping me shoved down to the floor. The sound of bone colliding against stone echoed in the room, drowning out my pained hiss. I wanted to scowl up at him, but his grip refused to let me move my head at all. "Why don't you give me a fucking apology, and maybe I'll let you live through the night, bitch."

Instead of apologizing, I snarled, yanking on Hidan's grip and pulling on my own hair. Fuck it, he could rip it out for all I cared! Hidan let me go with a shove, making me yelp, but the pain in my head dulled into an ache. My relief was only a moment, before Hidan cracked the back of his hand across my face, sending me sprawling across the floor. I landed hard, biting my tongue in the process and making the taste of iron spring into my mouth. I spat blood at Hidan's feet, glaring up at him as he approached me again. His lips were set into an annoyed sneer, but his eyes—his eyes were brimming with glee, taking sadism to a level I'd never met.

I hoped my scowl concealed my fear.

I bit off a scream when Hidan kicked me in the stomach, beginning to wheeze as I tried to fill my bruised body with the air it'd just been deprived of. I hardly had time to keep up with Hidan, to watch his next move, before he landed another kick. This one landed on my leg, and I doubted I'd be getting up from this one. I cried out again and reached for my bruising thigh, reflexively hurrying to soothe the pain, only to flinch when Hidan reared back like he was going to kick me again. I threw my arms up in front of me in a desperate bid to protect myself against any further abuse. "Stop!" I pleaded, my voice sounding like a stranger—all high pitched, like a young girl.

Was I not still a young girl?

Hidan's chuckle made me cringe, and I cowered as he knelt down in front of me. His eyes were alight with excitement, with a twisted amusement. I'd given him exactly what he'd wanted. I'd fed right into it, and I hated myself for it, maybe even more than I hated Hidan.

"Had enough, Amaya?" Hidan's voice had quieted, a false soothing tone that hid the monster behind it. I shivered, eyes widening. It was the first time he had said my name. The sound of it leaving his lips…

I jerked in fear when Hidan raised his hand, but he only grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. "This is just the beginning." His voice was still a whisper, but he didn't need anything else to make my stomach sink. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball, to hide away. My ribs felt like they were shards, cutting into my lungs with each breath. I couldn't picture an end to this pain. I felt battered and small, and…afraid.

My mouth still tasted of blood.

* * *

I wasn't fucking sure if I regretted bringing home that damned mutt yet or not. If anything, she made things a little less shitty and dull around here. I liked her a lot fucking better when she wasn't running her mouth. Seeing fear in those green eyes instead of the usual fucking defiance, watching blood drip down her lips, it was a fuck-ton more exciting than anything else in a long time. It made me want to see how far I could push her, what would make her shut up, what would make her fall. Turned out, it was a hell of a lot more than I'd thought. She was something else, the bitch. I wanted to hear her beg again, I wanted to see her bleed.

It'd only been a little while, but I was already catching shit from Kakuzu. The bitch was mine to deal with, but he was convinced she was going to get in the way. Since when had any bitch ever fucking gotten in my way? I wasn't the one who had a fucking obsession, the damned greedy miser. He was bitching that she wasn't earning her keep—what the fuck was she going to do, hunt a bounty for him? Kakuzu had already warned me he was going to bring the mutt up with Pein, as if I gave a fuck about what that bastard had to say. He was lucky I stuck around this shithole at all.

Kakuzu was probably just pissed I hadn't killed the bitch yet. She'd lasted longer than usual, sure, but so what? She was fucking mine and I was going to do whatever I wanted with her. This girl wasn't the first bitch I'd dragged home from those sleazy places Kakuzu brought certain captures to, but the others hadn't made it past the first couple days. This one was different, she was exciting, she was a challenge. She wasn't broken yet. She didn't cower with her tail between her legs until you forced her…with both fucking hands. I wanted to see how far she could go. Shit, she almost had a mouth worse than I did.

I'd read the papers that bastard at the compound had given me—yeah, fuck off, I'd been bored—and there wasn't much to her, but there were a few warnings about her having a shitty attitude. That'd been a bit of an understatement. It was rare I met someone who didn't all but bow down in front of me out of terror, sometimes respect, but that wasn't as satisfying. This bitch had looked right at me and decided she wanted to be a pain in the ass. She'd seen how far that got her, and she still wasn't stopping. Not by much. She was strong, I'd give the bitch that. I would almost feel bad about breaking her.

Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New and Old notes: N/A


	5. Chapter 5

I couldn't get enough air. Every inhale sent a barrage of knives spearing through me, a vicious reminder of the ugly bruises on my torso. All I could do was breathe slowly, shallowly, and keep my eyes shut to ignore the blurriness in my vision. If I passed out from the lack of air, well, it'd be a bit of a blessing at this point. I kept pressing my hand along where it hurt the most, but I couldn't find any signs of broken bones. I had plenty of experience with that, so I felt safe in saying I was fine, just a few bruises…and a bitch of an ache…maybe a cracked ego.

It'd been a couple of days since Hidan had beaten the shit out of me, but nasty bruises like this took their time. In fact, it felt like they were at their worst rather than getting better, though I knew that meant healing was coming. Hidan had been oddly absent—not that I was complaining, but I was definitely suspicious. Earlier, I thought I'd heard his voice, along with another man's, and it'd sounded like they were arguing. I wish I could say I cared, but I didn't much care about Hidan unless he was right in front of me. All of my current attention was spent on trying to alleviate the pain that swelled inside me with every breath, or the twinge every time I so much as twitched the wrong muscle. Of course, as soon as I started thinking about Hidan, my brief respites came to their end. I heard approaching footsteps, and the door creaked open. When I blinked open my eyes, Hidan's shadow stretched across the ground.

Wait…that shadow was much too big for Hidan. Startled, I sat up as fast as my spent body allowed. Mismatched eyes glowered down at me, but the rest of the man's face was obscured by his mask. Hidan's partner; Kakuzu, if I remembered right. I hadn't met him again since my first day here. Judging by the cold look in his eyes, I wasn't sure I'd have wanted to.

"Get up," he demanded, his voice low and reminding me of loose gravel. It brooked no argument, not that I'd have dared to open my mouth. Hidan, I was willing to test. This man, who looked more mountain than human? I was spiteful, not stupid. Well, not entirely. I cringed and pushed myself to my unsteady feet, chest constricting as I took as deep a breath as I could manage. Kakuzu eyed me a moment, gaze narrowed, before he turned and left the room at a brisk pace. I was supposed to follow him I guess, if only he'd give me a fucking second.

My gait was slow, and each time I put weight on my right leg, the pain that shot up it threatened to make me stumble. I persevered despite that, determined not to get thrown to the floor even though Hidan wasn't even around me, Kakuzu didn't strike me as a man of patience either. A frustrated growl rumbled in my chest, but I bit that back. Humans didn't tend to care for the sounds my kind made, said it made us look savage. If you asked me, they'd never met true savagery.

I froze when I came out of the hallway, happening upon Hidan and his partner standing together and muttering in tones I hadn't picked up. Hidan's expression was set in a scowl, and Kakuzu looked like he might be mirroring the look underneath that heavy cloth. When I intruded though, both men turned to look at me, something I very much hadn't wanted. I felt like an animal caught in a spotlight; I was in danger, but too in shock to move.

Kakuzu cut a glance down at where I was holding my weight off my injured leg. "What's wrong with your leg?" he asked, gruff and impatient. I flinched a bit, and I noticed Hidan narrow his eyes. Would I get in trouble if I told the truth? What issue would Kakuzu have with what Hidan did to me?

Lying had always been one of my strongest skills, though…almost a personality trait. Resolutely, I put my leg on the ground and leaned my weight on it, and I bared my teeth in a smile to hide a grimace. "Nothing," I dismissed. "I'm fine." Yes, completely fine.

Kakuzu's eerie eyes lingered on me a moment too long before he deemed my answer good enough (that, or he simply didn't give enough of a damn) and turned back to Hidan, apparently to continue the conversation I had interrupted.

"The girl can't continue like this if she doesn't earn her keep, Hidan. Pein-sama already warned you about that," Kakuzu said, leaving me with a stranger's name and a bad taste in my mouth.

"What the fuck do you want me to do?" Hidan snapped, cutting his eyes in my direction as he pointed towards me. "She's not about to go bag the bastard a tailed beast, that's for shit-sure. Why can't she just do some menial shit around this hell hole? Jashin knows it wouldn't fucking hurt." Hidan snorted and crossed his arms. "Cleaning, cooking, whatever the fuck else I come up with."

I stood as still as I could, even holding my breath. It hadn't been said aloud, but I had the distinct feeling that if Hidan didn't come up with a good enough reason to keep me, the countdown on my time here was rapidly dwindling towards something grisly. I'd never been in that position before; I'd heard of others who had, slaves who left and never came back, whose names were nothing but a whisper in the shadows. I'd never been afraid like that, I'd always been the one shouting my name from the rooftops. When I first walked into that stony corridor, I'd had a bad feeling I'd never be walking back out, but I'd never been good at predicting things! I sure didn't want to start, now!

While you might be better off letting a child cook your meals instead of me, I wasn't totally hopeless. "Uh," I said, feeling very out of place. I'd attracted Kakuzu's attention already though, so I might as well finish. "I did a lot of that sort of work before I came here, I'm…I'm not an amateur," I said awkwardly, rubbing at my arm. It wasn't too convictive, but I felt like an ant whenever Kakuzu had his eyes on me.

I noticed Kakuzu shake his head slightly as he straightened and turned away. "I suppose that's better than her laying around for nothing. Keep an eye on her, though. If I find anything stolen or out of place…" Kakuzu didn't finish that sentence, for which I was very grateful. I had no intentions of ever finding out that conclusion. I knew what happened to thieves. You could ask Old Yana, one of the oldest slaves at the compound…and the only one with a missing hand.

I had a moment of relief that my life was, for the time being, spared; but the realization that the responsibility of cleaning this massive place now fell to me was…well. Not to sound ungrateful, but the shadows themselves needed a shower, here. Relief was fleeting once I could grasp how close failure trailed behind me, and I was sure failure earned the same as stealing.

Hidan nudged past me then, and I folded my arms close to my chest so he wouldn't have the chance to grab one. "Come on, you fucking mutt. I'm getting Konan to show you what to do, I've got fucking better things to do."

I snorted, but followed anyway. I couldn't imagine what Hidan spent his precious time on, but by the looks of the bloodstains in his room and the crimson he often came home painted in…maybe I didn't want to imagine, actually. I also was weary of my growing list of strange names, who was Ko—

My own thought tripped over itself when Hidan knocked on a door, this one marked with a symbol I could just barely make out; it meant _angel._ When the door opened, soft and quiet, it revealed a sight that made me almost smile. It was another woman.

Other women weren't always a blessing, but I'd always felt more at ease seeing another girl around. There was often solidarity, at the very least. This woman—Konan—was older than I, but she had a youthful glow to her, she kept long blue hair pinned up in a bun with an intricate origami piece. I cocked my head upon seeing a silver flash on her lip, before I realized it was a piercing. Konan blinked down at me first, before sliding her gaze to Hidan, only cocking her head in inquiry.

"Meet the newest bitch," Hidan said, wolfish smirk on his mouth. I pressed my lips together in a thin line, hoping that was enough of a barrier against all of the scathing remarks waiting just behind my teeth. "She's gonna be taking care of some shit around here, show her around, would you?" Hidan thrust me forward suddenly with a rough hand between my shoulders. I caught myself against the wall, nails scraping into the stone as I turned to glower at his smug face.

Konan arched a brow, but her expression remained…unnervingly blank. "Pein warned me of her presence and that she might take on a few responsibilities, but…he neglected to mention she was a child."

Hidan waved a careless hand, and I glared after his retreating back. "Fuckin' barely, she's sixteen. Just teach her what to do, all right?"

Oh, so now I was someone else's problem, was I? I straightened up with a sheepish laugh, pushing a stray lock of red out of my face. "Uh, I'm sorry about this," I told Konan, offering her a small smile in an attempt to extend an olive branch.

Konan hummed, a soft sound. "Follow me," she said, gliding past me and walking away hardly before I'd realized she'd moved. It was as if her feet didn't touch the ground at all. Her grace left me in awe, but I quickly hurried after her, now mindful of my own clumsiness. Hell, I tripped over the air, sometimes.

"It might take you a while to become familiar, there are many corners and crevices here, some that never see the light of day," Konan was explaining, while I tried to retain at least half of what she was saying. "Not all of the rooms are in use, I'll show you the ones that are, but ask before you enter. Some of the men here value their privacy."

I took that to mean I would find myself with a missing limb were I to intrude. Duly noted. "Uh, should I clean the rooms not in use?" I asked.

Konan shook her head as she led me into a small room, one that felt a little more like a closet compared to Hidan's bedroom. "Only the private rooms and the main ones, for example, the kitchen. Some of us are gone more than we're present here, and we're seldom at the base all at once. Somehow, they still manage to leave a trail of destruction," Konan said, her voice taking on a hint of wryness that made me grin.

"Here, you'll find most of what you need for cleaning. Everything you'll need to cook will be in the kitchen, however, if you find you require anything, please come alert me. You're unlikely to cook often, perhaps mostly for Hidan." Konan clasped her hands together, watching as I rifled through the meager cleaning supplies in the room. Well, it would be a good start…I could make a list later and find Konan about how I could get what I might need, despite feeling a little awkward about that. This place was a natural disaster, I felt defeated just looking at the mess waiting ahead. It was going to take a week to clean this whole base, much less keep it that way. A tedious purpose was however, still a purpose.

I followed alongside Konan in silence as she led me through the winding corridors, pointing out rooms that were in use. There was more than one general living area I discovered, but maybe I shouldn't be surprised. There were quite a few members of the Akatsuki, and I'd not known about Konan; the others I was almost certain were all men. All that testosterone in one place was a recipe for a war, so I could imagine the need for more privacy and space. Besides, with a system as large as this? You might as well make the most of the space. I wouldn't be surprised to come across a few doors rusted shut, hiding rooms no one else here ever saw or perhaps even knew about.

"Hidan said you were sixteen?" Konan asked suddenly, while I was pulling out a mop. It seemed redundant to mop stone, but…well, so did maintaining a home for about a dozen people, and I was aching to just get a notch started somewhere.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," I said, glancing over at her. "I know I look a little older. I've been told I'd look my age if I didn't scowl so much," I said, smirking.

Konan let a small smile grace her lips, something I was grateful to see. "I see. Don't worry, this is easier than you're making it out to be. I'll try to keep an eye out for you," Konan said, before departing with a small bow. Her words were a little less than encouraging, though the reassurance did put me more at ease; she was at the very least, not someone else to be afraid of.

I stood still for a moment before huffing out an exasperated sigh, resigned to my work. I might as well get started, staring at the mess wasn't going to evaporate it. I decided making a mental checklist might help eliminate some of the stress; I could start small today, maybe aim for Hidan's room and move forward. Or, I could start with the floors alone…it was hard enough bouncing around the suspicious stains. That sounded like a plan, I thought, dragging my mop out to the spot I wanted to start in.

God, why was there blood all over the floor?!

* * *

I was never moving again. No matter what came through that door, I was not going to move. I was almost so tired I wasn't even tired anymore. It was dark out by now, and I'd started early in the morning. I'd been too ambitious, but I'd made a decent dent, at least. I was now sprawled in Hidan's room, his floors now finally clean enough to sleep on without feeling my skin crawl. I'd decided to go back and start with his room like I'd originally planned, because after all, that was where I was living now, too. This room and the bathroom had taken almost a solid three hours on their own. Some of the dried blood must've been years old, and stone was reluctant to part with old memories. The mop had done little for the ground outside, and I'd resorted to several scrubbing brushes to get through most of the main floors; many brushes of which had seen their last day.

"Damn, what the hell happened here, yeah?" I heard Deidara's voice echo from somewhere in the kitchen, and I couldn't resist a smirk. Yeah, it looked good, huh? I rolled over away from the door, away from the noise, because the pounding in my head had returned with a vengeance. I'd gone too long and done too much without food again, and my insides were rolling.

"I guess the bitch is good for something, after all." I groaned when Hidan added his two cents. He sounded like he was getting closer—

"Oof!" I gasped out when Hidan planted a foot in my back. It wasn't quite hard enough to bruise, but it certainly got my attention. I didn't move though, only stubbornly curling up tighter.

"Get the fuck up and I might feed your ass," Hidan said, immediately attracting my attention. I looked up at him, briefly holding his fuchsia gaze for a moment. I truly hated Hidan, but his eyes were…beautiful. I snapped out of it and scrambled up before Hidan got it in his head to change his mind. Following behind him sluggishly, I scrubbed a hand down my face, feeling grimy and gritty. Half the disaster in this place had just clung to me. It had been a long time since I'd done hard labor in a place like this; multiple people always performed upkeep on spaces this size. Now with only me, I found it was hard to dictate tasks. It was so much easier to say I'll get to that part in a minute.

When I walked into the kitchen behind Hidan, I was greeted to the sight of an imposing figure already there; a broad man with skin a pale blue. He had his back to us initially, but when he turned to glance at me, I caught sight of the glistening fangs in his mouth. A name burrowed to the back of my mind, but no further, and I couldn't quite remember. It was there though, a reminder that this was someone worth remembering, someone dangerous. Yellow eyes squinted at me, but when he decided he couldn't put a name to me, he turned back around. I took a seat at the counter, though I was mindful to keep a stool between myself and the strange, not quite human man. I felt his gaze on me all the same. "Who the hell is the little girl?" the blue-skinned man asked.

I swallowed and opted to keep my head down. "My name is Amaya," I said, grateful that my voice didn't catch. "I'm…I guess I'm the new housekeeper?" I gave a stilted laugh, for lack of a better term. Luckily (or not) Hidan cut in, sparing me from a conversation I was barely present for.

"She's a fucking slave, I found her at one of the shitholes Kakuzu likes to deal with," Hidan explained. "He got a stick up his ass about her not pulling her fucking weight, so now she's gonna work around here a bit, keep things in check or some shit. Whatever keeps that fucking miser off my back and keeps the bitch busy." Hidan was distracted at the stove, crashing around in a way that made me believe my bowl was going to come to me broken in half. After a moment, Hidan shoved a bowl of rice in front of me, something he'd clearly stolen from a previously steaming pot that I presumed the shinobi beside me to have made.

I had to consciously not inhale the food, though as I focused on remembering to chew, I could feel the blue-skinned man's gaze weigh heavily on me. I was in no mood to say the wrong thing and make a deadly enemy, but I was uncomfortable with the attention, and I hunched my shoulders to try to shrink in my seat. "How long you planning on keeping this one around?" he asked, sharp teeth gleaming from the corner of my eyes. I pushed my empty bowl away, feeling my meal twist in my stomach.

"As long as I fucking want to. Come on, " Hidan snapped, curling his fingers around my wrist to tug me off my seat. For a change, I was happy to stumble after him. I thought I saw the other man sneering after us, but I didn't dare turn to look. Though before I'd been so hungry, the man had made the meal sit like lead in my belly. Hidan didn't loosen his grip as he took me back to the bedroom, where he pushed me unceremoniously to the comfy-cozy ground. At least it was a place I was growing familiar with, and it was much more welcoming shined clean and without old death smeared across it. I folded my legs to sit and pretend to ignore Hidan as he ripped his cloak off and tossed it aside. A little pettily, I scowled as it fluttered to the floor; it was not that fucking hard to just set it on the desk.

"Not a bad fucking job, dog," Hidan called from the bathroom. Okay, I could accept that as appreciation, too.

Brushing my fingers through my tangled, dirty hair, I mulled my question over in my mind, not sure if it was worth asking. Eventually though, my curiosity won out and self-control lost the battle. It tended to do that. "Who was that man?" I asked.

"What?" Hidan said, "the fucking shark?" I was surprised by his answer, considering I'd been completely prepared for him to tell me to shut up. I hadn't yet found the boundaries, nor was I sure I ever would. It was kind of a hit or miss, a tedious and tricky game. I could hear Hidan turning the knobs in the shower, but he continued to talk. "His name is Kisame. One of the shitty swordsmen from the Mist."

Realization struck me like lightning—the Seven Swordsmen, that was where I'd heard of Kisame, before. He'd been one of the deadliest shinobi in Kirigakure, until he defected and became a missing nin…I'd seen the looks of men who'd witnessed carnage in Kisame's wake, I'd heard their shaky types of stories. The type that made me never want to see those sharp teeth grinning at me ever again.

I heard Hidan curse from the bathroom, and assumed he might've burned himself trying to adjust the water. The thought made me muffle a snicker into my hand. When Hidan came back into the room, he headed for his dresser and started to rifle through it. After a moment, he tossed a pair of underwear and a shirt at me. The underwear was…clean, maybe new, but that didn't make me any more eager to pick it up, because I didn't want to think about why he kept things like it. It was probably going to be a bit tight; like I said, I was bigger than your average girl. The shirt was a few sizes too big though, leading me to realize it was one of Hidan's own.

Hidan waved a hand at me. "Well, get going. You need a fucking shower, you're a fucking mess."

"Maybe I wouldn't be so dirty if I hadn't been sleeping on the ground," I snapped back, gathering the clothes.

"Watch it, dog," Hidan said, taking a step towards me. That was enough incentive to send me hurtling into the bathroom, slamming the door shut as if he couldn't (or wouldn't) bust it open. I shed my dirty clothes and cautiously stepped into the shower, but I soon blossomed under the pleasantly warm spray. It was a far cry from my usual shower, where the temperature was a surprise and you were jostled around like an animal off to slaughter. I spent several minutes under the water, stealing the soaps and other things I found in the shower to wash myself. It left my hair smelling like cinnamon, a refreshing surprise, because I normally found Hidan to smell like iron and…something I couldn't quite name, something wild.

I dried off quickly, already having spent as long as I dared in the bathroom. When I put the shirt on, I stared in the mirror at my reflection, where she stood with a shirt that fell to the middle of her thighs. I was reluctant to leave the bathroom now, I'd neglected to notice Hidan hadn't given me any sort of pants to wear, and the idea of putting on the grimy shorts before they'd been washed made me shiver. It would be fine, right? Modesty wasn't much of a luxury where I was from. It was certainly something I'd dug my teeth and claws into though, and I wasn't happy to let even a shred go. But if I let on to my discomfort, there was no telling what Hidan might do with it. He'd probably never even thought of it, but if I gave him the ammo, I'd probably soon find myself full of holes.

I folded my dirty clothes in the corner, so I would remember to wash them tomorrow. I thought about asking Hidan for more than just a single outfit, but asking him for anything was inviting trouble, probably. I brushed through my hair again, the damp strands clinging to my jawline while I tried to comb them out. I composed myself for a moment before I left the sanctuary of the bathroom, a cloud of steam presenting me to the bedroom. Hidan was reclined in his bed, cleaning off one of his pikes.

He spared me a glance, but his gaze soon returned for a lingering look, and I could feel his eyes crawling over me like snakes. I swallowed, pretending not to notice even as a reflexive growl bubbled up in my chest. I'd never…I knew I should have, but I really hadn't considered myself in that sort of danger. Hidan's gaze told me different, and that wasn't something I'd prepared for. This wasn't something I was ready for. I didn't know how to deal with that, so I wasn't going to. I knelt at the foot of Hidan's bed, where he couldn't see me anymore.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I willed my heartbeat to slow. It was nothing but a look, he hadn't even said anything, I was overreacting, surely. Still…I'd seen it, I'd heard it. The screams, the bruises, the tears; the guards or masters who pulled you too close and whose hands wandered too far. I'd seen the way things like that affected people, days, months, even years after. I'd been told it stayed with you forever. I'd escaped such things only by my teeth, my claws, my vicious resolve. I wasn't worth the fight when I was only a temporary slave, but now? I'd not been afraid of that, before. I'd not thought of Hidan like that. I'd never thought of myself as being…one of them.

A sudden knock at the door rattled through me, making my head bolt upright. "Answer it," Hidan ordered, and I rolled my eyes. The floor was a lot farther down than the bed was, the jackass.

Standing, I straightened the shirt and cracked open the door. Standing before me was Kakuzu, who pushed a scroll into my hands. "Deliver this to Hidan," he told me, taciturn as ever. I sighed as he headed off not a moment later, not even allowing me the chance to say anything. I shut the door and turned around, only to find myself face to face with Hidan. Or, face to chest, rather. I gasped and stumbled back against the door. How could someone so vulgar and violent move so quietly?

"Another fucking one? We just got back!" Hidan snapped as he yanked the scroll from my grasp. "Lazy fucking bastard doesn't even leave this shitty village," Hidan continued to mumble as he turned away and headed to his desk.

I rubbed at my hands. "You complain an awful lot, did you not choose to be here?" I asked, a touch sarcastically even though I really couldn't be sure. Hidan didn't seem the type to follow any authority; if they tried to force him here, he probably would have either killed them or himself out of spite.

"What the fuck I do or say is none of your fucking business," Hidan said, not even turning to look at me.

I huffed and headed for my spot on the floor again. "Right, I forgot you love to complain about everything, like a spoiled fucking child."

I never heard him move. I never saw him coming. I'd had my back turned, a foolish mistake that I knew better than to make.

An arm wrapped around my waist suddenly, stopping me in my tracks and yanking me backwards against a strong chest. The rigid muscle behind me reminded me of being pressed into a wall, and Hidan's grip was like steel even as I reached down to dig frightened nails into his flesh. I stiffened, a startled sound leaping from my lips. "Let go!" I ordered, my voice sharp as I struggled not to let it crack.

"You always smart off," Hidan said, his voice a hiss near my ear that sent a chill down my back. "Don't you know it only fucking gets you in trouble?"

Yes, yes I knew very well, and—Hidan's hands were moving up, very suddenly, and very suddenly I could not breathe. He pulled at the shirt, until it was riding up near my navel. My heart was thudding so hard against my ribcage, like it was trying to escape; I wished I could escape. I reached down to try and rip the shirt back into place, feeling exposed and naked already. "Get the fuck off of me!" I shouted, now my voice was harsher, angrier—so, so angry. He couldn't do this, he had no fucking right! Get the fuck off! There was something else; a bitter taste in my mouth, a pain in my chest, a…a stranger.

_Fear. I'm afraid._

The realization made me snarl, and I wasn't sure if I was growling at him or myself. Hidan's hands were so cold as he slid them up my thighs and onto my belly. He slipped fingertips past the hem of the underwear, and I flushed hotly, but he moved them nowhere, his palms simply resting on my hips. I held my breath anyway. My chest was starting to burn, now. God, please—I'll never open my fucking mouth again, I'll shut up, I won't make him angry again, just _please not this, please._

I'd started to pray before I'd even realized it, but I didn't know whom I was praying to. Nothing was going to burst in through the door to save me. Heroes didn't exist, you had to save yourself, and I was far from a hero.

I flinched when Hidan pulled my hips back, a sinister chuckle spilling from his lips. I shut my eyes tight. It hurt; my chest, my heart, my head. I was gritting my teeth so hard, I could almost feel them cracking. Hidan lowered his face against my throat, and he bit at my pulse. I was sure he could feel it racing. I swallowed the whimper that bubbled up in my throat. Opening my mouth, I tried to plead again, no matter if it fell on uncaring ears, but I couldn't form the words. I didn't have the air or the coherency to talk.

"Fucking slut's trembling like a leaf. What's wrong, dog? You afraid you can't take me?" Hidan sneered against my throat. I didn't say a word, still shaking, still squeezing my eyes shut. Hidan shoved me away from him, and I stumbled to the floor with a gasp, dragging oxygen into my crying lungs. I almost sobbed, relief washing over me like a spring rain, cool but jarring. I dared to look up, and Hidan stared down at me with triumph, wearing a smug smirk on his lips. His eyes almost glowed in the dimness of the room. He walked forward, and I flinched, but he bypassed me and went to his bed.

I struggled not to gasp for air, a sob still stuck somewhere in my throat. I curled up on the floor, balling myself up small, still shaking so hard it was a wonder I didn't just shake apart. I'd like to, I'd like to fall to pieces and slip through the cracks of the walls, never to see this place again. I spent several minutes clinging to my stubborn willpower before I broke, and when I was certain Hidan was asleep, I allowed the tears stinging my eyes to drip down my cheeks.

The monster was not under the bed, he was sleeping in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New and Old notes: N/A


	6. Chapter 6

When I next awoke, I wasn't quite sure if I was still in the real world or if I'd just fucking died. Have you ever felt that way? When you wake up and something isn't quite right, the world is somehow skewed, reality looks and feels wrong? It always left you feeling disoriented and a little sick, didn't it? You ought to just go back to sleep until the world sorts itself out. Although, it wasn't like I felt too stellar in the first place.

I stared unblinking at the unwavering sea of black above me, taking comfort in the silence surrounding me for a change. I wasn't sure how long it would be until the sun rose, nor was I sure how long I'd even been awake. Like I said, it was growing hard to tell when I was conscious or not, half the time I was drowning in dissociation, biding my time until I could have a moment of reprieve like right now. It was all I could do to cling to this shred of comfort, of privacy; even in the times I wandered around the base, taking care of chores and other such jobs delegated to me, I always felt like there were eyes on me or like I was in imminent danger. When I could let go of my mind and go somewhere else, it was like watching my physical form just take on a mind of its own, following a drone path while I pretended it wasn't happening to me.

I'd always been good at disappearing.

Eight days. It had been eight whole days since I first met Hidan, since I was stolen from the place I considered home. Or rather, the only place I _could_ consider home. Barely a week, but it'd begun to feel like a lifetime. It did piss me off a little to think that I actually missed that hellhole, but it was almost impressive Hidan could make me long for it. Concrete cells and drunk guards were a welcome sight now. Huh, wait a minute—I was pretty sure it had been eight days, but my days were blending into a messy jumble. Time wasn't real, I was just trying my best to make it through each night, and somewhere I stopped tallying them. I worked diligently, silently, and did everything I could to avoid anyone else. The moment I heard footsteps or an encroaching voice, I went scurrying in another direction. I was wary and suspicious of everyone I'd met so far (excluding Deidara) and I didn't want to meet anyone else. Those unfamiliar voices could stay unknown as far as I was concerned, I was happy to stay a shadow, out of sight and out of mind…aside from one.

Hidan, especially, was someone I was doing my damndest to avoid. I had to return to him come nighttime of course, but even then, I huddled in the corner or skulked off to the bathroom, sparing him little more than a scathing scowl. The bastard was always looking for a fight though (and I always looked for a reason to not turn one down), so it wasn't always easy, and Hidan still took any chance to shove me around, but he hadn't put his hands on me like he had the other night. I dreamed about it though, about his hands on my skin, his mouth at my throat. Perhaps that was why I was awake at such a late (early?) hour. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw a deep violet glow and felt something cold on my hips. I was going to regret not getting all the sleep I could, but I was well familiar with that already.

The odds of my situation were slim enough, a slave, a servant; but to become enslaved to a member of the Akatsuki, to do their bidding? I'd heard rumors that someone from the Akatsuki did business within the compounds, but I'd never heard of them purchasing. I'd suspected it to be informants or lackeys, a place to obtain a steady supply of disposable people, as terrible as that sounded coming from me. If I was to believe the whispers here, I wasn't the first for Hidan. Maybe their time with him was cut so short, they weren't worth talking about outside of here; or maybe people who knew about it were too afraid to mention Hidan's name. I'd lasted a week, apparently something quite surprising to the others, but I wasn't too sure if I was one of the lucky ones or not. Those other poor souls hadn't had to deal with Hidan as long.

Nor did they have to deal with the rest of this place. I didn't have much room to complain, not when I knew how much worse things could be—but in the confines of my own head, I was allowed to be a tad bitter. I knew Konan had said that most of the members were often outside of the base, but there still always seemed to be a few that stayed or at least returned at night to sleep. I'd expected a barren place, instead I paused at every corner before rounding it, a reflex kicked into me that now I had to rely on more than ever.

In the times someone else happened to linger around their so called home, no one else ever bothered trying to keep this place from falling into a decrepit shithole. I know, I know, I understand the irony of trying to make a criminal base homely, _I get it._ But it had been made my job to keep this place presentable (well, livable) and it was proving a challenge, a bigger one than my previous terms of servitude had been. I'd been responsible for plenty of challenging jobs before, but this place was proving to be almost too much, and I couldn't quite grasp why.

In the past, I'd been behind the scenes of mansions, clubs, brothels…plenty of big places with plenty of room for mess. I'd seen teeth punched from a skull, I'd seen a person full of more drugs than blood vomit up their last hit all over the floor; but there had been teamwork there, there had been a system, there'd even been people to lean on. Here, it was mostly all me. Worse than that, the consequences of making a mistake hung over my head, and there wasn't rain in that cloud, but acid. So, I scrubbed until my hands bled, and I sliced my fingertips caring for weapons that I didn't even know how to wield, all to keep someone I didn't know happy.

Anything to avoid the wrong end of wrath here. Besides, I couldn't fault someone here for not picking up a dish now and again, I'm sure they were terribly busy with their…missions. I didn't ask and I didn't pry, I wasn't interested in hearing the grim details behind why Hidan came back with blood splattered across him so often, as if he went out every day to fucking bathe in it. I would appreciate him not tracking it everywhere, though. Blood was a bitch and a half to scrub out of things. It was even worse when it was ancient blood, as I'd discovered in my first few days here. For someone who'd slept in stains of all sorts, none I cared to recount in any vivid detail, my stomach turned whenever I walked over bloodstains, however old they may have been.

It took me almost the whole week to even feel like I could walk on the ground with bare feet, and I'd only focused on the main, more frequented rooms alongside Hidan's. Scrubbing years-old blood off the floor and walls, so dark it was black, it really wore you out. I wasn't even sure what the point was, considering they were just going to mess the stupid place up again, but if it gave me a purpose and kept one of Hidan's pikes out of my chest, I'd accept it. At least this was work I was familiar with; we all learned to clean and cook properly. There were always those unfortunate days when a slave showed up to a new job, they found themselves with work they had no experience in. I'd tell you about the time someone wanted me to check the electrical wiring in a club, but I still felt the need to look over my shoulder just remembering it. They spent a lot of money fixing whatever I did to that place. I'd love to say it was a stark reminder that living people weren't tools to expend, but that had long become a waste of breath.

Now that the major cleaning was simmering down, I could see walls and floors instead of layers of grime and death. I could also focus more on simply staying on top of things rather than breaking my back on repairing a damaged wall or clawing out crusted blood, all of which was probably older than I was and clearly hadn't been a problem before. Hidan had really had to scramble to find a use for me that wasn't selfish, hadn't he?

But truth be told, after having no idea how to even start, I looked forward to more simple chores like the mopping or the cooking, sometimes I even took care of a few baskets of laundry if I noticed someone had placed it outside their door. It was a cue I hadn't been told about, but picked up on pretty quick; I do suppose if given the chance to have someone do menial shit for me, I'd probably take advantage too. I was an expert at getting blood out of clothes after all, it did come with the line of work and, well…the line of having a uterus. Sorry, too crass of a joke?

Aside from the bloodstains though, every other piece of clothing had a tear in it, making laundry more of a tedious task than I'd anticipated. It could become peaceful though, engrossing yourself in something as mind-numbing as stitching. Aside from that and meal preparations, the only thing I tended to bother with each day was picking up the mop. Someone could sneak right past me with a trail of blood and mud on their heels, and though I loved the rain so close to Ame, it made for terrible travel. I wasn't about to let any stains tattoo themselves into the stone floors again, nor was I keen on anyone suggesting I wasn't staying on top of my work. The ice beneath my feet was already thin, no matter where I stepped between Hidan and the rest of this place. Speaking of Hidan, he was probably the worst culprit for dragging destruction everywhere he went, from bloody footsteps to tossing aside broken and filthy weapons.

Oh, yes, people around here were bad at picking their stuff up, too. It would be funny, but in a way it was jarring to find some of the most dangerous people in the world were still so very…human. I kept tripping over stray weapons or the occasional scroll. At any rate, putting things away had familiarized me to whose room was where. I'd started cleaning a few of them, I think one belonged to Kisame, and another room I wasn't certain, because I'd never caught anyone inside it, but every time I walked in everything inside was back into a disarray of countless intricate tools, some surely too tiny to be weapons.

Most of the members were content to keep their privacy though, and I was perfectly fine with that, myself. It was largely Hidan's fault I even had to start upkeep with the private rooms anyway, I'd actually managed to avoid that until he happened to catch me lingering about in one of the living spaces recently. I'd only been catching my breath, but I'd also finished a big chunk of work that day and had little else to keep me occupied, so when Hidan caught me slacking it hadn't gone over well. He'd shoved me down one corridor, all while snapping that I put myself to full use with "every fucking room I laid my stupid fucking eyes on."

Dick.

Still, at least I had someone in my corner, I wasn't entirely alone. Deidara had told me flat out he didn't want me to clean his room, and I'd overheard him spitting off at Hidan for thrusting all the work onto me. The realization that Deidara had gone out of his way to defend me had strengthened my burgeoning trust in him; sad to say though, I hadn't had the chance to see Deidara much since the time we spent together in his room. I was too busy, and I knew Deidara had no shortage of work to do, himself. Even if he had time, I would've been too tired to spare him a word. I was worked to the bone through the day, and come nighttime, it was all I could do to just drag myself back to Hidan's room. In a way, I was thankful. Being exhausted at night meant I could fall asleep right away, and I didn't have to spend time thinking about my situation, Hidan, or what might go wrong. I'd spent plenty of time dwelling on those very fears, and that might be what often made me wake up so early, flashes of a nightmare clinging to my eyelashes. I just had to focus on each day, each step I took, and make sure not to step on a landmine.

This was a lot harder than it should be, and I was not trained for it. I could train for fighting, I could train for work, I could train for defense; I couldn't train for…this.

I did occasionally see Deidara in the kitchen, whenever I was preparing something to eat. Usually I cut back on time and just threw together a larger meal, something everyone could take from if they wanted, the only person to really come to me directly to cook was Hidan. I seldom saw anyone come to take the food, but most of it would always be gone when I came back later to clean up. Konan was right, though; a lot of the time, they would feed themselves and leave. That made things easier for me, because I was no gourmet chef, I was probably lucky to not have accidentally poisoned anyone thus far. Cleaning didn't require talent thankfully, when it came to food I tended to just toss things together in a pot or pan and hope for the best. I sneaked what food I could whenever I cooked. Hidan had never explicitly said I wasn't allowed to eat without permission, but I wasn't in the mood to take risks with him, especially when I already had an idea of what he'd say. Hidan had already poked and prodded at me a few times about my weight, but unwanted comments only got easier to brush aside with age. I'd heard most of it before, and while it could still sting, I'd long since come to terms with it. My body got me places, it did what it needed to, who cared if it was extra soft?

I mean, people could, but that was their problem, not mine.

Hidan rolled over in bed suddenly, and I stiffened, holding my breath until I was certain he was still asleep. I let myself relax, closing my eyes and willing my heart to slow down. As grateful as I was for Deidara, it was hard when he was my only ally here. Or…perhaps I wasn't being fair in saying that. An absence of an enemy was just as fortunate, even if I wouldn't call them an ally, much less a friend. Itachi, for example, had pretty much dismissed me, leaving me be every time I happened to cross his path. I'd asked him (as I'd been instructed to ask them all, if I even happened to meet them) if he wanted his room tended to, and he had declined. Far be it for me to argue; someone ignoring me was as much a kindness as, well, actual kindness.

A few hours after that, I thought I'd heard Itachi talking with Kisame, whom I deduced was probably his partner. He'd told Kisame that they were adults, and shouldn't need a teenager cleaning up after them. A true enough statement, but he might be surprised how erroneous it was. It did remind me of Deidara mentioning having his own sense of morality, despite being a part of this infamous organization. Maybe Itachi shared a similar ideology, however difficult I found that to believe. Maybe they all were like that, and I was just too caught up in my own pictures of them. Like I'd said earlier, I'd come to find a few of them to be more…human that I'd ever thought. I'd still yet to see any redeeming qualities in Hidan. A couple of the other men here gave me chills, too; Kisame, for example. It might have just been his inhuman appearance, but there was something about his sharp grin.

If I didn't stop thinking about it, I was going to give myself another nightmare. If I had to stay awake, I might as well attempt to use my withering brain cells for something productive. Perhaps I could attempt configuring that system I was trying to work out, something I was trying to set up for myself to make things a little less complicated and to grasp some semblance of a routine. Today, I'd started doing rooms by teams. I started with Hidan and Kakuzu, largely because I'd found Kakuzu to be very neat and he generally didn't require much work. He was, however, paranoid. I think he really thought I was going to try stealing from him, or any of them. What on earth he thought I could do with it, I wasn't sure. Where was I supposed to go? I couldn't let myself out of this place. I'd…well, I'd tried. I'd tried searching for a way, at least. There may have been more exits, but I couldn't find them, meaning they were probably hidden and still required chakra to uncover and use them.

Hidan's room was the worst out of any other. I was starting to find that all the blood wasn't just a habit of carelessness so much as it was a fixation. Something to do with his religion most likely, or maybe it was pure sadism. Either way, he liked to bleed…on everything…a lot. I was better off saving his room last so I could shower off right after, because I inevitably ended up looking like a murder victim myself. Hell, with the amount of hot water it took to scrub the blood out, maybe I should just shower by dumping the whole bucket over myself and the floor.

You know, I was a little curious. How did he even get the blood spattered across the whole room, anyway? Did he slit an arm open and spin in a circle? Did he carry a body in there when I wasn't looking and drag it across the walls? I'd have to spy on him sometime soon. I'd spotted Hidan hurting himself before, but it was only after the fact, when he came home with still-bleeding wounds or when I would walk in just as he pulled a kunai away from himself. I might not remember right, but I think self-injury was a part of the Jashinist religion. He wasn't doing it out of a bad state of mind, definitely. I'd met cutters, before. Most slaves have turned to self-harm at some point. We all had some sort of addiction, some sort of way to satiate the self-destruction inside us. Most of us were disasters from the years of mistreatment. I wasn't here to judge anyone, nor was I here to admit my own bad habits. I get why people do what they do, that's all I have to say.

Hidan, though? Hidan enjoyed it like no one else I'd ever seen. It was (forgive the irony here) like a religious experience for him. I'd watched him smirk, eyes alight with glee as blood bloomed to the surface of his skin. He never seemed genuinely hurt when he did it to himself, either. No matter how new the inflicted wound, it didn't hinder him. The man baffled any sense—or, what little I knew about having sense. I swear, I would see an ugly wound gaping on him one day, and the next? Gone, as if it had never happened. Did he really waste chakra healing everything he did to himself? Not that Hidan was a beacon of bright choices, but still, what a useless way to tire yourself.

I was also starting to suspect Hidan made a mess on purpose. I liked to keep his room as spotless as possible, considering I had to fucking live in it, too. Every night before I settled down, I tidied a bit, and I noticed Hidan sneering at me. He liked to make me work, to make the process as tedious as he could. Hidan had set out to make my life as much of a bitch as he could, and he'd done a great job. Really award-worthy. Although lately, I wasn't as sure which room was worse, his or Kisame's. Kisame shared the problem with blood and gore, but the mess in his room wasn't the problem…it was Kisame, himself.

I wouldn't go into the room if Kisame was there. I made sure he was out training or on a mission before I cleaned for him. My fears might be irrational, but I wasn't someone to ignore my gut, and I didn't trust Kisame. I didn't trust his smile, or the way he looked at me. It was probably nothing, but I didn't think I could be too careful in a place like this, where death was always one wrong turn away. Kisame had a daunting array of weapons that he'd ordered me to clean and polish whenever I took care of his room. There was one weapon he'd ordered me to stay away from; that huge, intimidating sword that he called Samehada. Suited me fine, I didn't want to go near the bandaged-up, scary fucking thing.

There was one room that I'd wandered into only once, only for Konan to come searching and order me out. I'd stumbled upon it by accident in trying to count all the rooms that required my attention, and I'd almost thought I was hallucinating, if not for the smell permeating within it. The room was…gruesome. Blood stains and stray pieces of what I swore looked too much like human flesh littered the room. It looked exactly like human corpse parts, I'm telling you. Konan warned me that unless directly asked, it would benefit me to not enter that room.

No arguments from me.

Fortunately, once I'd gotten rid of the top layer of filth, the place was manageable. Like I said, it was rare to run into any of the members through the day, they were usually out on missions or doing their own thing. It didn't give any of them ample opportunity to make a mess of anything but their own room, and a few of them had declined my work, anyway. I was starting to reach the surface of the water and no longer felt like I was drowning.

That probably wouldn't suit Hidan though, and I suspected it was only a matter of time before he dragged me into the depths again. You couldn't drown demons who knew how to swim; much less demons who bled out your entire ocean.

I'd grown up with men like him, women like him; I'd shaken off abuse, I'd grown thicker skin. Why, then, was Hidan so hard to ignore, so hard to shake off? I'd stood up tall for so long that feeling the ground beneath my knees was like kneeling on broken glass. I wanted to stand up again, to look him right in those damned eyes and prove to him he couldn't break me. Either I would stand, or he would fall to his knees beside me.

I wasn't sure either one would be winning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New notes: Every time I reread these old author notes from back when I was thirteen, I cringe myself inside out lmao. I was so edgy. You could say this story itself is cringy and edgy too, definitely…but I'm having fun, so there's that. I also love that I complained about how this story was difficult to write due to the development between Amaya and Hidan being a challenge, and boy, I was right even back then.
> 
> Also, major apologies for any change in writing tense. First person point of view is a bit of a challenge for me, and sometimes I write this like it's Amaya writing it down, so it comes off like she's recounting the past and also directly addressing you. It might get a bit confusing, so apologies again, this isn't meant to be a very formal piece of writing, Amaya is far from a formal character!
> 
> Old notes: *insert many curse words* This chapter is slit your goddamn wrist boring. Don't lie to me, don't you do it! I am bored with this chapter! Which is why I'm uploading… like three in one day. This is a minor time skip and insight into what Amaya has been up to. What her life consists of. Next chapter will be… More exciting, you could say. Because I'm putting it back into the "now" instead of this bullshit of going back and explaining all this information. Which is just a filler chapter.
> 
> Fuck you, people need filler chapters, episodes, etc. It fills in major key points without adding unnecessary shit to the story. Had I not added a filler, we would be… 3 chapters long in her cleaning and ICK.
> 
> Yes, I'm making Amaya's fascination with Hidan's eyes something consistent.
> 
> Also, just to let you in, this story is one of the hardest I've written, because the emotional development between Amaya and Hidan is going to be damn difficult to write…
> 
> A thank you goes to the reviewer bekinhae! You review every chapter and you're so nice! Thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

You know what a lovely way to wake up is? Getting a nice kick.

"Move, bitch!" Hidan snapped as he stumbled over me, though how he could forget I was down here was beyond me.

"Pick your fucking feet up, you know I'm down here!" I snarled back, too jarred and annoyed by the rude and painful awakening to remember how to shut my mouth. I'd always been the girl everyone told to shut up, the slave who received all the worried looks when I said the wrong thing. I had never learned how to hold my tongue because it was one of my biggest weapons. It was finally coming back to bite me, and it was rabid.

Hidan yanked me up off the floor by my shirt, hauling me close to his face. In a surreal moment, perhaps borne from still being-half asleep and feeling like the world was moving in slow motion, I found myself appreciating that he'd grabbed my shirt and not my hair or throat. It was the little things, right? I blinked my eyes to clear my swimming vision, pursed my lips tight, and tilted my head back away from him.

"I'm about done with your shitty attitude, you fucking whore," Hidan hissed, his teeth grit together as he sneered into my face. His cool words chased a shudder down my back. Suddenly, Hidan's eyes narrowed, and his sneer hardened into a smirk, like he was in on a secret I wasn't privy to. "Maybe that's it," he said, musing. Dread pooled in my gut at the memory of what had happened the last time I let my mouth ahead of my brain, the last time I really pissed Hidan off. I scowled into Hidan's face, his jeweled eyes showing me my own reflection.

I looked a little less intimidating than I wanted to.

"Maybe being treated like a whore would teach you something, put you back in your fucking place. Is that what you want, slut? Maybe have someone put your Jashin-damn mouth to good use?" Hidan's words dripped with venomous sleaze. My face flamed into a bright cerise, my insides writhing like snakes. The silver weapon I had once been so proud of was rusting in my mouth.

I turned my face away, breaking the glaring contest that I was likely to lose, anyway. "You don't know a fucking thing about me," I seethed, my lower lip catching on my teeth as I bared them in my rage. "Let go of me!" I kicked my legs to emphasize my demands.

Hidan snickered, shaking me a little. "Did I hurt your fucking feelings, princess?" God, I hated the way he said that nickname. I hated the fucking nickname. He opened his hand suddenly, allowing me to crumble to the floor with an undignified shout. Pain rocketed up my left leg as I landed on my ankle wrong. "Truth hurts, bitch." With that, Hidan snatched his scythe and took his leave, not sparing me a second glance. A good thing, considering it wouldn't have been much to look at. I shakily raised myself up to unfold my leg from underneath me, peering at my swelling ankle.

Yeah. Yeah, it did hurt.

Not just his hands, not just his words, but all of it. You couldn't understand, no one could. I could pour my heart out, spilling words like Hidan spilled blood, and it would never be enough. He was getting inside my head, and no one had ever been able to do that. I was unbreakable, I was the "difficult" one, the one who never sold because no one wanted to deal with me. I bit the hand that fed me, that hand that hurt me. Hidan opened his mouth and it was like a whip cracking, leaving a mark on me no one else would ever see. No one else had ever wielded their tongue against me the way they had their hands, and Hidan was a master of doing both. So often, I'd been able to lash out and frighten someone away; I'd been able to infuriate them enough to storm away, forgetting all about me. I could lick my wounds in peace and in turn, forget them and what had happened. But I was stuck with Hidan—I was stuck with what was happening.

Hidan was something dangerous. A fire, and I was the moth; stupidly flying too close and getting my little wings burned off, only to collapse into the flames themselves. I should have run the opposite direction, instead I was running headfirst into the inferno. You know what they said; once the devil caught you, you were his. Once he figured out how to lure you, you were a goner, there was no going back, as soon as you were foolish enough to expose yourself and all your secrets, they all belonged to him. It was like being scarred, branded. Hidan probably didn't even believe in the devil.

That was fine. The devil wouldn't have believed in himself, either. He'd probably still call himself an angel.

* * *

I swung my scythe onto my back, the familiar weight deepening the urge to bury it into some heathen fucker's gut and see it cut them right in half. I already knew what Kakuzu was gonna say before he opened his damn fucking mouth.

"Where the hell have you been?" he asked, eyes narrowed into an impatient scowl. I stormed past him, not even waiting for the exit to open completely. My limit for bullshit had already been well reached today.

"Don't start your shit," I warned. "Just hurry the fuck up. I want to get this over with." I was itching for the familiar feeling of blood pouring down my hands. That fucking dog was good at stoking that feeling in me. A good adrenaline rush always made me crave a little violence, and she sure as fuck knew how to get my blood pumping. I was almost tempted to ask her why in the hell she was so fucking stubborn—downright fucking stupid—if she ever learned to shut her fucking mouth, maybe she'd be better off.

Yeah, and she'd probably be fucking dead by now if she did. The only reason I was keeping the bitch around was because she was fucking entertaining. Her little tantrums, the way she lashed out like she thought it was gonna get her anywhere. Oh, and the fucking way she finally cowered? It was only a taste of what I really wanted. We weren't there yet, but I wasn't fucking giving up until I'd gotten what I wanted out of this hardheaded bitch. She might've thought she could win, like this was some sort of game, but she'd already fucking lost. The second she first opened her Jashin-damn mouth, it was over.

She just didn't fucking realize it, because like I said, the bitch was fucking stupid. She was a hotheaded, loudmouthed, stupid fucking bitch. But there was no fun in a quiet, sniveling little thing, was there? She was the first who hadn't snapped like a fucking twig in the first couple of days. She was strong, I'd give her that shit.

Not that I didn't like those fucking episodes of hers where she shut her mouth, her eyes all wide and her body shaking, biting back tears like I couldn't fucking see them. Pride wasn't going to get her anywhere, but damn if it wasn't fun. I'd make a bet with Kakuzu to see how long it'd be before she didn't have any pride left and she'd finally fucking give up, but I wasn't going to give that bastard miser any more money.

She did take a lot more than any of the others had, though. I normally didn't take women like her; she was wilder, bigger, her soft body contradicting the fucking broken glass and sharp corners of her personality. Her hair was such a deep red that whenever she was lying asleep, it looked like a pool of blood around her head. Almost made me fucking think she'd killed herself her first night here, but that was almost doing the bitch a disservice. She wasn't about to take any easy ways out. No, she didn't do a damn thing the easy way.

I noticed her ears too, often flicking around when she slept at night, picking up on sounds I could never hear. During the day, she usually had them pinned down in her hair, like some pissed off dog might. She was more animal than human in personality, all bite and bark and claws.

"Fuck, what the fuck!" I snapped, barely catching myself from slamming face-first into a shitty fucking tree that had popped up out of nowhere. I'd gotten so lost in my own head I hadn't even noticed it. She was even causing me trouble when she wasn't fucking here.

Great, fucking perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New notes: Hey friends, sorry for the short chapter. When I first wrote this, I wrote very short chapters, and while I can extend them, sometimes I can only fill so much before things start to get convoluted. I combined a couple of the old chapters already, but that doesn't always work when I ended a chapter a certain way. So, some of the chapters going forward might end up quite short even if I beef them up a little, sorry!
> 
> Old notes: N/A


	8. Chapter 8

Come…the fuck…on.

Perhaps I was acting a bit dramatic, but it was within my right, okay? Those who slaved over cleaning and keeping up with a space were allowed to be a touch upset when others around them went out of their way to ruin it. I refused to believe that just picking something up and putting it back where it belonged was a difficult task; throwing things everywhere and leaving them strewn about was enough to give anyone a headache, especially the person who had to stomp around and pick it all up. Day in and day out. I was starting to wonder if I should give in and follow everyone around with a basket, or maybe a fucking towel to mop up the blood and carnage so many trailed behind them, though Hidan was the main culprit, as you could probably guess.

"Calm down," I heard Deidara murmur from the side, where he'd been sat watching me storm around the place. I was an inverted hurricane; a hurricane that cleaned instead of destroyed. But oh, I wanted to destroy. Today was a sort of recoup day, near the end of the week when I'd tended to the main rooms and private quarters and instead focused on more menial tasks. It had become a day for me to focus on not losing my fucking mind, but it was a losing battle. Maybe that was why I was so angry, so high-strung I could practically taste the adrenaline. I felt like I'd been cooped up for ages, unable to turn to anything except a dishrag or Hidan, and certainly I'd prefer the former.

So yes, I'd somewhat intended for today to be a bit of a breather. Not for Hidan, though, oh no. Hidan was determined to make today as tedious as possible. He kept dropping everything, shoving things off their place, dripping blood everywhere, demanding me to bring him things. Were your fucking legs broken? No? Did you want them to be?

"Don't tell me to calm down," I hissed, slapping a rag onto the countertop. In retrospect, I'd just cleaned that counter, and tossing a bloody rag down onto it was counterproductive. Maybe I was my own enemy by then, too. "I'll calm down when that jackass's head is on a platter in front of me!" I was losing my mind. I couldn't keep up with Hidan; neither physically nor emotionally. I felt like an elastic band stretched to the brink, I could feel my threads thinning. It was only a matter of time, it was only a guessing game of what it was going to be that did me in. I was going to snap, and the only person who would suffer for it was me.

I collapsed onto the couch next to Deidara, putting my head in my hands. Breathe in, breathe out. I felt Deidara's hand on my shoulder, and also felt a distant twinge of appreciation for my recently acquired friend. He couldn't help me, not much, but he was a steady presence. A rock of sorts, and for that I was grateful. That was all I needed on days like this, when I felt like I was drowning. I was starting to lose track of time, all my days and nights were blending together and I found it hard to even remember how long I'd been there, but it wasn't like it really did me any good to keep up with it. I was stuck, there was no point in counting down towards freedom or a reprieve like I'd done before.

I wasn't sure why I was such a mess. It was a combination of things, probably. Exhaustion, pain, fear—all things I could thank Hidan for. No matter what I did to avoid him, or to avoid his attention, Hidan was inexorable. He was like something that haunted me. I'd never met anyone who matched me in stubbornness, in resilience…in spite. Hidan was proving to be a worthy battle, and the battle had turned into a war. I wasn't sure I was even an equal anymore, even holding my ground, much less winning. I'd thought Hidan was an idiot, but he was starting to turn the tables on me. When I thought I had the upper hand, he ripped that rug out from underneath me and I went crashing to the floor. My ego was bruised as much as my body, at this point. Hidan had turned around on me, and by the time I realized it, I had already severely underestimated him.

I wasn't sure when the verbal jousts had started. We'd started off with the occasional insult snapped back and forth, but things changed…slowly but surely. Instead of lashing out physically when I smarted off, Hidan would shoot something back, often twice as sharp, and the wordplay games had begun. That wasn't to say Hidan had stopped putting his hands on me. At least once a day, something sparked a fight between us. A twinge of pain made me wince, and I rubbed at the healing (shallow) gash on my abdomen. The other day, I had been standing near Hidan's desk, and I'd apparently gotten in his way. Hidan had shoved me and I caught the corner of the desk in a bad way.

That incident also proved cursing was innate instinct, I'd been spouting off a slurry of swears before the first drop of my blood hit the floor. That shit had hurt, all right?

"Bitch!" Hidan's voice carried from his—our?—room, making my ears pin back and a growl rumble in my chest.

I popped up from the couch, with Deidara yanking his hand away from me like he'd been burned. "I have a fucking name!" I shouted, storming towards the bedroom as my voice echoed off the stone. I'd gone well out of my way to avoid spending any time in that room when Hidan was there. I had no choice when it was time to sleep, but I tried to only stay there when I was ready to pass out or when I thought Hidan might already be asleep. I didn't want to be around him, I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to acknowledge something that had been gnawing at me lately.

Hidan was a beautiful person.

I know how awful that sounded, from me especially, but I couldn't deny what was right in front of me no matter how I loathed Hidan. He was tall, powerful, his body all pale skin and carved muscle. It was obvious how hard he worked, how strong of a shinobi he was, I didn't even have to witness him in battle. His silver hair was often slicked back out of his way, but come nighttime, it tended to fall into his face, over his eyes…it gave him a younger, but also darker appearance. It made him look wilder, even though I already knew the bastard to be more beast than man. His best feature though, that would always be his eyes, those haunting, glowing eyes that always made me shiver whenever I looked into them. So, I did my best not to do that. I had the sinking feeling it wasn't a place you come back from.

It really made me wonder why Hidan didn't have a plethora of women pledged to him, begging for his company, but…well, I'd all but been outright told he'd murdered most if not all of who he brought back here. I'd wondered why he had any need to purchase someone when he clearly wouldn't have struggled otherwise, but perhaps a willing participant…just wasn't what interested him. I'd been thinking hard about that for the past few days, counting every day I made it as a new record, but also feeling like I was nearing a death sentence. I was just staring the executioner's blade in the face. I wondered if death would get me first, or if I was going to reach the point where I would find death to be the kindest option. Both were equally terrifying.

I reached Hidan's door, having almost forgotten he'd called me at all or why I was even walking while in the midst of my crisis. With a sigh, I started to open the door. "What do you—" I started to ask the question, but I stopped dead in my tracks upon fully seeing the scene I'd just stumbled into. My blood ran cold, eyes bulging as I finally registered the sight. Hidan knelt on the ground, holding a pike—a pike that completely penetrated his chest, right where his heart should be. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I screamed in abject horror, for the lack of anything else to say. I couldn't quite process it, I didn't quite believe it…didn't quite want to.

Blood dripped in swollen rivers down Hidan's chest, pooling onto the floor. It was so much blood, way too much, he should have been passed out by then. Instead, he straightened, looking up at me with a faintly smug curl to his mouth. He pulled the pike free from his body and let it clatter to the ground, leaving the impossibly fatal wound gaping. He stood, slowly, and I took a step away, stumbling into the door and slamming it shut as I leaned back against it.

"Wh…why did you…you shouldn't have—you should be dead!" I stuttered out a broken sentence, glancing from the gory wound and up to Hidan's face. "What are you?!"

Hidan threw his head back with a laugh, blood still winding down his body like red paint slung across marble. "Guess we forgot to tell ya, huh?" he asked, still approaching me. He leaned in close to my face, and I fought not to look at the open wound, despite my morbid curiosity. His eyes were bright with what I could only describe as excitement, a twisted sort of pleasure. "I'm immortal," he whispered the last part, like he was imparting a secret with me, only to lean back with another cackle.

"Wh—immortal?" I asked, still not catching up. I was miles behind the joke being played on me right then, because that's what it had to be, right? That was impossible, humans couldn't become immortal. If they could, then all of the wealthiest clans would've already jumped onto that wagon. That was a power that would've been abused for ages, and a man like Hidan was someone harboring it? I wasn't about to stomach that truth. "How? What do you mean?" I felt incredibly stupid when Hidan rolled his eyes, but, well, forgive me for not understanding the fundamentals of human immortality. There hadn't been a class on that, you see.

"You don't know a fucking thing about Lord Jashin, you heathen bitch," Hidan said, turning around and fetching his pike. He went to set it against the wall near his bed, likely to clean later. I didn't even bat an eye at the splatters of blood it left behind, far beyond such simple worries for now. "As long as I'm a loyal follower of Jashin, he bestows me the gift of immortality. It's his highest fucking honor," Hidan said, wearing a proud smirk.

My brain was sluggish at processing the information, wheels creaking in my head. "Why?" I asked, perhaps rather dumbly. Why would anyone want immortality? Why would anyone want to torture themselves like Hidan did? What was the cost?

Hidan shot me a look, eyes narrowed into a glare. "Why not?" he answered simply.

Fair enough, I thought wryly (because what answer suited him better), still completely awestruck. I wasn't sure I totally believed religion was behind all of what Hidan had told me, but…I didn't have any evidence otherwise. Hidan's evidence was a very fatal wound in his chest, while he stood still breathing and talking just fine. His evidence was a bit more irrefutable.

Hidan walked past me then, and shoved me towards the pool of blood that had accumulated on the floor. "Might want to get to work on that shit if you want it to come out easy," he snickered.

I kicked the door shut behind Hidan as he left, muttering very unlady like things under my breath as I turned to face the job that awaited me. It was a practical red ocean, by then. No longer did I find it such a simple worry.

Well, if everything was so possible under Jashin, why couldn't immortals just not have blood? It wasn't like it'd kill them.

* * *

It was nearing nighttime by the time I finished scrubbing the massacre off the floor and walls. My stomach was grumbling and my arms were aching, and I was torn between food or sleep. Food, of course, won out, and I was hoping I could sneak some. I slipped from the room and headed down the hallway, hoping to skate by undetected. My luck, however, had long since run out.

"You, girl," a raspy voice called to me, making me freeze in place. I slowly turned to look over my shoulder at Kisame's towering figure, and swallowed dryly.

"Yes, Kisame-san?" I asked, tacking on the honorific in the hopes to avoid his ire. Kisame was not someone I was interested in getting on the bad side of. His teeth flashing in a grin solidified my stance.

"I'll be gone on a mission starting tomorrow morning. I want you to clean my weapons for when I return," he told me. He brushed my arm as he nudged past me and I pulled back, keeping my eyes on the floor. At least I wouldn't have to worry about running into him for a few days—silver linings and all that.

"Why the hell are you standing in the middle of the hall like a fucking idiot?" Hidan's voice made me jump with a yip of surprise, and I whirled around to face him.

"Someone needs to put a bell on you," I muttered, annoyed. Perhaps I could attach one to his pendant. "I was…talking to someone," I said, not disclosing whom. Hidan didn't need to know everything, and I always felt irrationally smug keeping things from him, no matter how tiny.

Hidan snorted and stepped around me. "Weird fucking bitch," I heard him mumble, and I smirked to myself. He was heading towards the kitchen, and I was quick to follow, like a dog eager for scraps. Hidan seldom remembered to feed me, but like I'd mentioned, I often sneaked food while preparing for the others, or Deidara made sure I ate whenever he was able. I'd dropped a little weight, but there was still plenty of squish. I doubted I was about to starve anytime soon, and I suspected Hidan shared the notion. I remembered as a kid I would jokingly say I was starving when breakfast hadn't even been three hours prior. I wasn't about to joke like that again; the empty cave in my stomach wasn't funny.

I sat at the counter while Hidan made something for himself, and though he was reusing things I had already premade, I hesitated trying to creep around him to get something for myself. After a moment, though, he tossed a piece of bread at me. A very degrading toss that made me feel like a dog sitting at a campfire, just waiting for someone to notice her. That didn't stop me from inhaling the piece of bread though, hardly even stopping to chew. Deidara wandered in around the time Hidan had tossed a second piece, hardly paying me attention as he ate his own dinner. Deidara's brows furrowed as he scowled between me and Hidan. "You wanna keep her alive she's gonna need more than that," Deidara said, disgusted.

Hidan shot Deidara a glare, and I kept my head down when Deidara leveled an equally hateful glower back at Hidan. Even without me, the two seemed to harbor tension for each other that always teetered on the edge. The impending argument didn't come to a head thankfully, because Deidara shook his head and turned on his heel to leave. "Nosy fucking bastard," Hidan muttered under his breath, while I glanced after Deidara, yearning to reassure him that I was just fine. I was no stranger to this, to any of it; Deidara didn't need to waste his time worrying about someone like me. I had my own back.

"Hey, wake up," Hidan said suddenly, snapping his fingers in front of my face. He was ready to leave, and I'd been busy lost in my own head, as usual. I hurried from my seat, nearly tripping in the process. I righted myself in time to notice Hidan rolling his eyes. "Clumsy bitch."

I folded my arms as I followed, lips pursed as I fought off a retort. Once inside the bedroom, I found my gaze drawn to the ground where Hidan had…well, not that I cared to re-imagine it. The pool of blood was long gone, but when I blinked, I could see the gruesome scene just behind my eyelids.

Right, immortal…my ass.

Hidan's cloak crumpled to the ground carelessly, and I glanced towards him. His muscles rippled as he stretched. I felt my mouth go dry. This was wrong, it was downright sick of me to consider a man like Hidan to be anything other than grotesque. He was evil, and he was cruel. I had no right to look at him, and it wasn't as if I wanted anything to come of it, I just… I allowed my eyes to wander when they shouldn't. Just like I allowed my mouth to run when it shouldn't. Hidan was difficult not to spare the occasional glance at.

"The fuck are you staring at?" Hidan asked, snapping me back into the present. My eyes widened and shot towards his face, where I found him smirking. "You like what you see, dog?" he asked, in what I'm sure was largely sarcasm, but that didn't deter me from returning with sarcasm of my own.

I tightened my arms where I'd folded them across my chest. "I don't see much," I muttered, cutting my eyes to the side. I should've known by then that lying didn't get me far with Hidan. Something else I should've known was that once he decided to antagonize me, I was only painting a target on myself by responding to the bait.

"Yeah?" he asked, turning to face me. His pants hung low on his hips, revealing the faint "V" shape that disappeared beneath the hem. "Why the fuck you blushing so much, then?" No, now he wasn't going to let it go, and I'd known that. I'd fucking known it. I felt like a wolf with my leg caught in a trap.

I had felt my face burning, but I'd chosen to ignore it. Hidan's voice though, made my skin burn hotter. His voice had dropped low, into something darker, smoother. I stiffened when he took a step closer, immediately shooting a scowl up at him. This all felt terribly familiar, and a pang of panic bloomed in my chest. "Stay away from me," I warned him. We'd done this song and dance before, I thought I knew the steps. I thought I could escape every time I was in danger, I could beg or plead my way out of Hidan's grasp, he always backed off after he got enough of what he wanted. Those were battles he'd won, but the war was still mine so far.

Hidan pulled a killing shot, tonight.

I tried to sidestep Hidan, to get around him. To escape him. I didn't expect for his hand to shoot out, for his cold fingers to wrap around my wrist, digging into my flesh. I winced and tugged at my trapped arm, even as he stepped in the same direction I had, now cornering me. I shivered at the low laugh that reverberated in his chest, and looked up with mounting fear. Sharp fear, bitter fear, cold as his hand and gripping me twice as hard. His smirk was sharp, his eyes…hungry. Something in them flashed with danger. "Not this time, mutt. I'm tired of fucking waiting," he said, grabbing both my wrists in his callous grasp. I inhaled sharply and tried to yank away, growing frantic as I struggled. Hidan didn't budge one fucking inch. No, this wasn't happening, he wasn't serious, it was just a threat—

"You belong to me, bitch. It's time to break you in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New and Old notes: N/A


	9. Chapter 9

It came in waves, but it struck like lightning. The first bolt was denial; _you can't do this, you shouldn't do this, there's nothing to gain from this, why are you doing this?_

The second thing to hit was rage. _How dare you do this to me, I'll tear your fucking throat out if you touch me, get the fuck off of me._

But the third? Fear—raw, unadulterated terror. I already knew the above two things didn't matter to Hidan, and the third was only going to spur him on. Trapped in the lightning storm, but the only one getting hurt was me, though it surged within me, yearning to strike at everything around me.

Hidan's bruising grip on my wrists tightened as he started forward, pushing me backwards until my legs hit his bed and I tumbled onto the mattress, splayed out in front of him…a ready sacrifice. Immediately I scrambled to get up, digging my nails into the sheets beneath me to find a grip, but it felt like I was trapped in slow motion. Nothing worked the way I wanted it to, my muscles were too stiff, my limbs too heavy; this wasn't how this was supposed to happen, shouldn't I be brimming with adrenaline, exploding with panic? I looked up, still so slowly, my gaze travelling across the bed and up Hidan's body where he towered above the bed, until I met his eyes. Those beautiful, cruel violet eyes.

For just a moment, time locked into place just as our eyes had.

Hidan knelt one knee on the bed, the mattress dipped slightly with his weight, and I snapped back into focus, everything came rushing back into present time in a blur that left me reeling. I reached up and shoved at Hidan's chest as he loomed over me, a shout of rage bellowing from my chest. "Get away from me!" I bit down on the words to keep them from cracking, to keep Hidan from seeing past the sheen of fury and into the roiling ocean of panic that had pooled inside me. It was ice cold, violent. When I bared my teeth, I half expected fear to spill past my lips.

My efforts went in vain, Hidan didn't budge an inch. If anything, my attempts at pushing him away amused him. I clawed my nails into his shoulders, desperate to get some purchase to keep him away. Hidan growled in warning, the sound rumbling in his chest and reminding me so much of my own kind; reminding me how much of an animal Hidan could be if I pushed him enough. I'd pushed him to the edge, and now I was falling over it with him.

Seemingly having grown fed up with my struggles, Hidan snatched my hands and wrenched me over onto my stomach, pinning my arms to my back. I snarled in fury, thrashing as much as my limited mobility would allow. I bunched the sheets and made my hair fly into my face, but I did nothing to throw Hidan off me. I wasn't sure anymore if I truly thought that I could. I had to fight for myself, if I wasn't fighting for him then I was doing it for me. I had to go out fighting, I would never fucking let it be any other way. Hidan's chuckle of amusement, deep and dangerous, echoed above me, too close to my face. I flinched away with a shiver. It was like this was nothing but a game for him, nothing but fun. I was nothing but something to be conquered. Hidan leaned in closer to my ear, his warm breath fanning across the edge. "Keep fighting, bitch. It makes this much more fucking exciting," Hidan said, before biting at my ear.

Hidan slid a hand beneath my shirt then, his fingers cold and calloused and terrible. Before I could so much as squirm, Hidan had grabbed the fabric and yanked, ripping the shirt like it was nothing more than parchment. I could only suck in a gasp when the shredded cloth fell away from me as Hidan pulled the useless article away, tossing it aside. Panic seeped into my bloodstream, a poison that had been injected directly into my heart; it wormed through my veins and made me feel like I was about to fall apart, completely disintegrate into nothing but the smoldering ashes in my chest. My lungs burned for air while my heart pounded against my chest, so hard and fast I felt like it might just burst. I opened my mouth and sank my teeth into the sheets that were bunched near my face. It was all I could do to find an outlet for the scorching adrenaline. I pretended the blankets were Hidan's hands.

Splaying that cold hand on my belly, Hidan rubbed the pad of his thumb over my skin in slow circles. It was almost like a sinister attempt to soothe, but it was far from, it was much more of a mockery. I wanted him off me, I wanted out of here, I never wanted to see the fucking color violet ever again. I was drowning in the anticipation of what I knew was coming; the dread that someone was going to hurt you, something terrible was happening, and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

Not a damn thing.

Hidan started to tug down my pants and I had to shut my eyes, like I could just make everything go away by not looking at it. The coarse fabric dragged down my hips and legs; I didn't move an inch to make it easy, but Hidan didn't seem to care as he finally shucked the pants off to the floor. He'd done it slowly, almost like he was teasing me, indolently stripping everything away from me and having complete certainty I could do nothing to stop him. Hidan was in control now, and he was going to relish every second of ripping that power away from me. I had dug my nails into it so deep, but now I could only feel them cracking, shattering under the strength that was tearing it all away.

"Get the fuck off me!" I tried again, if only for the sake of trying, of still knowing I could scream all I wanted. My voice was raspy in panic, almost breaking; I clung to pride when it stayed steady. A hand buried in my hair suddenly and yanked my head back, tearing me away from the sheets I'd been biting. I cried out as pain burst across my scalp, and I was left dizzy as my brain rattled in my skull. It was a stark reminder of the raw strength Hidan possessed, and an even more vivid display of my own fucking weakness.

"Sorry, did you want to fuckin' be on top, whore?" Hidan asked, his face lowered towards my throat. My body arched against his own, my back to his chest as he kept a hand buried in my hair and pulled my frame backwards. I whined low in my chest as he moved his free hand up along my hip and quivering torso, towards my chest. I tugged on my arms, futile but desperate, when he took my left breast in his rough hand. My own helplessness at this point was as terrifying as Hidan; I'd never felt so fucking useless in my life, he was really taking everything away from me. My body didn't even feel like my own, but that didn't stop me from feeling every fucking touch.

Hidan pinched my nipple between his thumb and forefinger suddenly, making me yelp as a stinging pain burst through my nerves. My nipple throbbed with pain even when Hidan relaxed the grip, instead rolling the pink nub between his fingers. My face flushed hotly at the intimacy that felt so odd and out of place, humiliation coloring my cheeks cerise. "Go fuck yourself," I snapped breathlessly, perhaps foolishly, but a dog with no bite would still bark. If it was going to happen, it would happen violently, angrily—I didn't want his mocking, false fucking gentle.

I gasped when Hidan shoved me forward, letting go of my arms just in time for me to catch myself before gracelessly smashing face first. I dug my fingers into the sheets and turned my head just enough to watch Hidan as he stood up. There wasn't a second of doubt that he wasn't going through with this, but my heart still skipped a beat in desperate hope anyway. He slid off his pants with a quiet rustle of fabric, dropping them to the floor to bare himself completely. My flush grew hotter and I averted my gaze from Hidan's naked body, lowering my head closer to the bed to hide my face. I'd been such a fucking idiot, thinking I'd been safe from this, thinking I could run from it forever, but especially for thinking I could fight back against Hidan.

Hope was nothing but a dream; it wasn't affordable for people like me. It only put us in danger. I knew something like this would eventually happen, it was only a matter of when, or of what would finally tempt someone enough, or…or who was strong enough to take it, who was stronger than I was. I knew better than to hope that I could hold it off, I knew better than to hope it wouldn't be Hidan. Ever since that first time he'd laid hands on me, I had been afraid of it, but I'd staunchly ignored it. Maybe I had never been strong at all, maybe I'd simply been lucky so far, and my well of luck had run bone dry.

Hidan grabbed my leg suddenly and used it to flip me over onto my back again. At first, I was only worried about sucking back in the breath I'd just cried out, but I soon reached up to try to cover myself—it was reflex, even when I knew that my self-esteem was at the bottom of the list right now, I couldn't help feeling self-conscious. Shame crawled down my back in spades, and how very stupid, wasn't it? But I didn't want to be naked in front of Hidan's hungry gaze, I didn't want to be naked in front of fucking anyone.

"Aw, gettin' scared now little girl?" Hidan crooned, such a soft tone, but his voice was saturated with sadism that struck a chord somewhere deep within me. I narrowed my eyes, scowling with hate as I bared my teeth in a feral snarl. For all the animal that Hidan was, I wanted to be a bigger one.

"Fuck you!" I shouted, likely not the best thing to say in such a situation. I'd never learn to keep my mouth shut, would I? Maybe this was something of a punishment for that, some sort of way for the world to finally knock me off my feet for everything I'd done wrong.

Hidan smirked, the expression nothing short of deranged as his eyes lit up with cold, cruel excitement. He knelt before me again, this time leaning over me as he grabbed my upper leg to drag me across the bed, closer to him. I winced as he squeezed bruises into my thigh with his fingers; his free hand skimmed across my other leg, towards private places I'd never shared with anyone else. Everywhere Hidan touched me seemed to light a trail of fire in its wake, etching a path of burning all across my flesh. I started to squirm, trying to close my thighs to keep Hidan away, to stop him going any further. "Get off!" I snapped, loud, angry, and ignored. I was only screaming for myself now, wasn't I?

My struggles earned me a wolfish laugh as Hidan's nails dug into my thigh, where blood bloomed from the soft flesh. Hearing his laugh made something in me snap, some last shred of determination. The bed creaked beneath me as I launched up and aimed a fist at Hidan's face, shrieking in rage and terror alike. Even if my hit only grazed him, even if it did nothing at all, at least I'd fucking tried. I least I hadn't just laid back and let it happen. At least I'd fought.

All Hidan had to do to avoid my wrathful attack was lean back a few inches, tilting his head to the side and scowling as my fist whipped past his cheek. I grit my teeth to lock away another snarl. Why was I so weak? Why was I so pathetic? Was this why people always degraded me, called me weak for being…what I was? I couldn't even fend off someone trying to hurt me. I couldn't protect myself. Years of being angry, of being strong, of fighting—to lose like this?

Taking both of my arms, Hidan pinned my wrists beside my head as he leaned over me, lowering his face close to mine. I grit my teeth together hard, but willed myself not to look away. Those beautiful eyes shined so brightly, the sadism and cruelty within them seemed so very misplaced. "Stay the fuck still, or I'll break 'em," Hidan told me, and I had no room not to believe him. Hidan didn't threaten, he promised. He squeezed my wrists tightly, as if to prove that to me, before he pulled back.

To my horror, I felt tears spring to my eyes. I slammed them shut, hoping to crush away the burning feeling in them. No, no fucking way, Hidan wasn't going to get that from me! He wasn't going to get any more! I was stronger, I was braver, I…

Hidan's hands landed on my legs again, near my knees, where he roughly forced them apart. My eyes popped open in alarm, snapping towards Hidan. My gaze dripped down Hidan's chest, the muscled planes of his torso, down towards his waist. My heart jumped into my throat when I caught sight of his length; he was already hard, glistening at the head. Despite having no great collection of experience, I still found Hidan to be…big, regardless. Way too big. That was never fitting inside me, not when…

I hadn't noticed Hidan moving, not until he was pulling me closer and one of his hands had sneaked between my thighs. I sucked in a startled breath, tensing up when I felt two of Hidan's fingers rubbing against my sex. He pressed them into my entrance, sinking them in hard without any warning. I yelped, both surprised and hurt by the sudden entry. A burn twinged between my legs, and when Hidan sunk them in farther, I cringed, even feeling myself the way I was unable to relax and keep from squeezing down on the rough penetration.

I was too distracted to see Hidan smirk, but I sure noticed him talk. "Fuck, you're already wet?" he said, his voice dripping with cruel amusement. I flinched and felt my face flush in disbelief at the accusation. "I've hardly even fucking touched you, you really are a whore," he sneered down at me. No, that wasn't my fault—I hadn't even done anything! That was my body reacting all on its own, it wasn't my fault, I would fucking _never_ …

"Shut up," I hissed, unable to raise my voice any higher. Hidan's smirk deepened, and he worked a third finger inside of me, spreading reluctant muscles and making me cringe, a whimper leaking past my grit teeth. Hidan narrowed his eyes suddenly, like something had just occurred to him, and that was always a terrible thing.

Hidan glanced up at my face, cocking his head. "Are you…" he trailed off, pressing his fingers in deeper, and I arched my back in discomfort. Hidan pulled away quickly, both his hands moving to grab my hips. "Are you a fucking virgin?" he asked again, though his cold, predatory smile told me he already knew the answer. I swallowed dryly and looked away, not daring to open my mouth. "Perfect," he purred, the timbre of his voice making me shudder. His eyes had darkened in lust, and I had a feeling things had just gotten much worse for me.

My heart was in my throat and nearly choking me when Hidan tugged me down lower, and he settled between my legs, my thighs held spread open around his waist. He had one hand on my hip, holding me down against the mattress; with the other, he held his cock, guiding it against my entrance. My eyes widened, body stiffening, unable to relax, like a bowstring right on the verge of snapping. "Grit your teeth, sweetheart," Hidan said with a sneer. I shut my eyes when I felt him nudge his tip inside. I couldn't breathe, but it was okay, I was okay, it would be over soon, I—

" _Aah!"_

I didn't even register that that piercing scream was me. I registered nothing except the godawful pain inside me, tearing into me as Hidan forced himself inside my unprepared body. It felt like he was ripping me apart, like if I dared to look down, I'd see my thighs covered in blood. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't even talk—I wanted to beg, to plead for him to stop, but suddenly I could get nothing out of my chest but a ragged gasp.

The pain was like fire, and it wouldn't relent, I couldn't relax at all. I was tense, shaking, and terrified. I could feel something warm between my legs, and wondered distantly if I really was bleeding. A satisfied groan rumbled above me as Hidan's free hand reached for my thigh, kneading the flesh. "Fuck, you're tight," he hissed, his eyes shut in pleasure.

My face was wet. When had I started crying? Had it happened when Hidan first entered me? I couldn't remember. The tears weren't stopping though, they spilled down my cheeks, a weak sob shuddering in my chest. Hidan started to pull back then, the friction making me cringe, only for me to scream once again as he thrust forward. It was too hard, too rough, too much. I shook my head side to side, the tears squeezing past my shut eyes. "Stop!" I cried, my thighs trembling where they clutched around Hidan's waist. I was afraid to move, afraid it would make things hurt worse. I wasn't ready for him to move, I wasn't ready for this at all, and he didn't care.

The thought of Hidan enjoying my pain, getting off on it, somehow made this all the more bitter. I wondered if that had been the real intention all along.

Hidan leaned farther over me, putting one hand on my throat and keeping the other on my waist, so he could pin me down…use me. I reached up to his wrist, digging my nails into his skin. Rivulets of blood bloomed around my nails, but Hidan didn't so much as flinch. "Fucking relax and it might not hurt so bad, you fucking slut." Hidan's voice was gravelly, heavy with pleasure as he rocked his hips into me. He was steadily picking up the pace, until the sound of his hips bouncing off mine were audible, mixing with my anguished cries. My voice was the only outlet I had for what was happening.

I wanted it to be over, I wanted it to end and to forget it ever happened. I could never imagine anyone ever enjoying this. The pain shot up my back each time Hidan entered me, and the ache inside me when he sunk deep made me sob freely, completely uncontrolled. It was all I could do not to break. My chest heaved wildly as I struggled to breathe and not choke on my next sob. I had my jaw clenched tight, my head throbbing in pain as my teeth threatened to crack, but I had to bite back any more screaming. It only fueled Hidan, I knew it.

God, it wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I wasn't sure how long it lasted, I never tried to keep track of it. All I knew was that it felt like ages. Finally though, Hidan started to get rougher, and his breathing hitched. "Mm, fuck," he growled, and I felt a splash of something hot inside me that made everything burn even worse. Dirty, filthy, marked—I screamed in protest, arching my back and squeezing Hidan's wrist even harder. No, no, no, get _out_ of me!

Slowly, Hidan withdrew, finally leaving my abused and sore body. My legs fell closed, and my hands fell limply onto my chest as Hidan pulled away, his own breathing a bit ragged. My chest burned from all of the crying and screaming, and my eyes felt like hot coals. I pulled my legs close to me, curling in on myself as tight as I could, ignoring my nudity. It wasn't as if that mattered, now.

I trembled as I listened to Hidan dress, praying that he would leave me alone. Just leave me alone. He spared me a glance, scowling. "Quit your fucking crying," he snapped, making me flinch at the anger in his voice. He didn't advance though, he only stormed away from me thankfully, and only once the door slammed shut did I allow myself to open my eyes.

I struggled to sit up, only to cringe as a sharp pain emanated between my legs. Okay, bad idea, I'll…just stay here. Just for a few more minutes. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling how I shook, a leaf in the storm just about to be ripped from its branch. I'd never felt so alone, before. I hugged myself like I might protect myself, comfort myself, but nothing could keep me safe, now. Nothing and no one. It was only up to me, and…

I had failed myself.

Another sob ripped through me, wracking my body with its force. I started to remember everything, all the little things, as if I somehow could have ever stopped this from happening. I regretted ever looking at Hidan, that first day we met. I regretted ever opening my mouth, ever putting myself in this situation. It was all my fault, wasn't it? Why didn't I fight him harder, why didn't I protect myself?

No, no. This was not my fault, this wasn't because of me. Those were Hidan's words. Was I really going to start believing things Hidan said?

Blood dripped down my thighs, tinged a light pink by… I shut my eyes and sucked in a sharp breath. It was fucking crazy, but one of the first things I thought about was how angry Hidan was going to be at me for bleeding on the bed. The idea of his anger made me break down into sobs again; when was this going to end? When did it stop? I clutched my hand around my mouth, trying to quiet myself. No one was going to come, though. No one was going to care.

I was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Ah, fuck, here we go.
> 
> Old Note: Son of a dingo all of you have been all excited and telling me to update and seriously, I doubt any of you will stick with the story after this because it's one of those that doesn't unravel until the ending, with a lot of confusing shit along the way. You fuckers are on one roller-coaster of a fic.
> 
> Yes, he raped her.
> 
> Yes, I feel bad, I've contemplated over this for a while before I took this route, be it as violent as it becomes.
> 
> Yes, Deidara's nice in this fic. Maybe it's a little OOC but that's what makes it fun.
> 
> I've realized whenever I write, I get into the mindset of the story. I got really into this story, and my dad randomly threw open the door yelling something (He yells it's just how he talks XD) and put simply, I freaked the fuck out for a few seconds. Deep stories do that to a dedicated author o.O
> 
> And it's donned on me I'm listening to love the way you lie (Part 2) while writing this… Hm.
> 
> I feel like I should add this… This entire story was based off of THIS scene. I had a… Dream slash vision of this and based a story from it. However, if this is disliked , because you think I moved too fast, that it doesn't fit in well, that you wanted a happier story, etc. (I can assure you this relationship will be bittersweet at the very least.) I will take the chapter down and go a different route. It's all depending on YOU. The readers. Do not hate on the decision I made, simply speak out against it. Contrary to popular belief I actually do give a shit what my readers think.


	10. Chapter 10

The pain never went away, but another part of me did. As I stared at the wall, looking right past it, it felt like I was watching myself through another's eyes. I didn't feel real, anymore. It was like another part of me had broken off, desperate to be free from all of this. I didn't blame her. My tears and blood alike had begun to dry, leaving me feeling sticky…dirty. I'd tried to stand up once or twice, but I couldn't will myself to actually move. I didn't have that energy, I didn't…care. I tried to, I wanted to, but I didn't have it in me. Nothing seemed to matter to me right then. Not getting clean, not easing the pain, I no longer felt like I even cared if I just died right on that bed.

Why? Why? Why?

That question had once been so innocent to me, the curiosity of a child wanting to know the ins and outs of the whole world around them. Now it proposed much darker inquiries. Why had this happened? Why had it hurt so much? Why had I been sold, like a piece of meat? Why me, and why Hidan? I bit down on a pillow to muffle a scream as it bubbled inside me, a product of my rage and hatred towards this entire situation. Everything was boiling inside me, a poison in a cauldron just waiting to overflow. Screaming was the only way I could let any of it out before it spilled over and burned me instead. Maybe it wasn't actually helping, but it still relieved something inside me, something sad and afraid.

I was so scared, able to do little else but wait for Hidan to come back—to what? To finish the job, to kill me, or to do it all again? I couldn't decide which option was worse. What if he decided he'd taken what he'd wanted all along, and he was going to send me back to the compound? In the beginning, I'd found myself longing for that, for the familiar cages and faces. Now though? Now that I knew what happened to so many slaves and pets, now that I understood that blank stare? I couldn't imagine going through this every day, every hour, with countless new faces. I felt as if an entirely new gate had opened up, a gate to one of the seven levels of hell. I'd known that things like this happened; I knew that people got raped. But that happened to strangers across the house, to people I would help clean up only to never ask and to never bring it up again, I never thought it would happen like this, that Hidan would…

I bit down on my tongue, the faint pain distracting me from that thought. I had no right to have had hope in Hidan, I'd had no right to place any sort of trust in anyone here at all. I wasn't sure if I really had, or if I was simply in shock that anyone could hurt me in such a way. I'd never seen it coming, but only because I think I'd turned my back to him. I hadn't been willing to watch the monster rear up in front of me.

"Amaya?" a familiar voice called from behind the door, startling me and making me flinch. Panic dripped down the back of my throat like bile; I didn't want anyone to see me like this, I didn't want anyone else to fucking look at me. I was tired of eyes, I was tired of hands, I was tired, so very tired. The door began to creak open, and I started to tremble again. Fuck, I had just stopped that, too. I curled up tighter, trying to hide myself, but there was no hiding what had happened. "Amaya, are you all right, yeah? Hidan just stormed past me, and he looked—oh, fuck." Deidara's voice trailed off into a horrified murmur, and I heard the door whish all the way open. Hurried footsteps rushed to the bedside, but I couldn't bring myself to look up at him.

I didn't want Deidara here, I didn't want anyone. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to disappear. I didn't want anyone to fucking touch me. "Go away!" I cried, flinging an arm over my face like Deidara had reached out to hit me. He wouldn't, I knew he wouldn't, but things I knew no longer seemed so sturdy. My voice was scratchy, worn, it didn't hold nearly the effect I'd wanted. "Please," I whispered.

Deidara hushed me softly, but he didn't listen. I felt his hands, cool and careful as they moved around me, lifting me up from the bed. I heard the blond cringe as he pulled the sheets away from where they'd gotten stuck to me with blood. I flinched again, squeezing my eyes shut in a wince and muttering another protest that, also again, went ignored. Why? Why wasn't anyone listening to what I wanted?!

Deidara began to walk, and when he slowed, he started to lower me. I hissed when I came into contact with cold tile. Soon, chilled water began to spray around me, and I gasped at the cool mist across my skin. "It's just water, yeah," Deidara murmured, combing my hair out of my face. I glanced down as the water swirled down the drain, soon tinged with pink. It looked gruesome against the white shower floor. I watched it all disappear, as if I could possibly wash away what had happened, as if I could scrub away the memory or the pain. I breathed shallowly, finally getting it back under control. I could feel Deidara's eyes on me, full of worry, of disgust. Perhaps it wasn't towards me, but towards what had happened, but I was too far gone to differentiate. That gaze was too heavy for someone who already couldn't breathe under the weight.

"Leave," I murmured, hugging my knees to my chest despite the twinge of pain. My eyes were stinging again, with the threat of more tears growing harder to fight.

"Amaya, please, you—" Deidara never got to finish his sentence. I lashed out at him, pushing him away from the shower.

"Get out!" I shouted that time, teeth bared. I hadn't meant to lash out like that, I never meant to push away the one person who gave a damn about me, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't bear it anymore, I couldn't bear anyone around me. I needed to be alone. I needed to…I needed…

Deidara stumbled back after my outburst, his brow creased with concern. I shut my eyes tight and looked away, listening as he stood up and his footsteps retreated, all while deeply regretting snapping at him. I wanted to apologize, but I also wanted to lay down under the water and let it wash me away. The latter option was much easier. I leaned against the shower wall, tears leaking past my closed eyelids, but the spray of the shower washed them away so fast, I could almost pretend I wasn't crying at all. A sudden, visceral exhaustion washed over me, twice as heavy as the water, and my limbs went lax. I clung to consciousness by a thread.

Reluctantly, I glanced between my legs, holding my breath as I finally reached to scrub the dried red and sticky white off of myself. I winced, voice catching on a sob as I cleaned myself, struggling to fight past the pain. I needed to be clean, I had to be clean, I wanted it all off and out and gone. I spent as long as I could stand just scrubbing every inch of my body, pouring almost the entire bottle of soap over me and washing, washing, washing it all away. The water had gone cool by the time all of the soap was gone, and there was no more pinkness in the water; but it didn't feel like I'd washed anything off at all.

I curled up under the water, sliding to the bottom of the shower. I couldn't hold myself up anymore, I only wanted to rest, but the position brought back fleeting memories of terror. A malicious smirk flashed behind my eyelids and sent me bolting upright, gasping for air and clinging to the tiled wall. I propped an arm before me, guarding against the hit that never came.

I was alone.

I knew I was.

I leaned into the wall instead, breathing in the smell of the soap as I shut my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. Anywhere else. I was back at home, back at the compound taking a shower, never having left. The water cascaded over me like a security blanket, until it got too cold to stand. I resigned myself and reached up for the handles to turn the water off. Slowly, unsteadily, I dragged myself to my trembling legs. It was like I had forgotten how to walk. The first step made me wince, but I grit my teeth to bear it. I stepped out into the dangerous outside world, and carefully began to dry myself, mindful not to rub too hard between my legs. I ached inside, and it wasn't a pain I knew how to ease.

I spotted some folded clothes on the counter that took me by surprise. I picked them up to examine them. They certainly didn't belong to Hidan, and they were closer to my size. Had Deidara brought me… I shut my eyes as guilt swelled in my chest. I really owed him an apology. I owed him a lot, actually. I dressed in the clothes, finding them to be baggy enough not to cling to my body. I appreciated that comfort; I still wanted to hide, I didn't want to feel anything squeezing me and I didn't want to feel like anyone could see me. If hiding away in loose clothing was all I could do, I would gratefully accept it.

I stood in the bathroom for several minutes, hand hovering over the doorknob, before I gathered the courage to leave. I peered around the bedroom, ascertaining it was empty before I moved. Walking was uncomfortable, and I couldn't fight a quiet whimper. When was that pain going to fade? It still felt so raw, and soon I lost my balance and stumbled down, collapsing in the doorway of the bathroom. I wrapped my arms around myself again, tugging my legs close and feeling terribly small. I would just stay there a moment, until I found the strength to move again; even the journey to my little nook in the bedroom seemed so far away.

Out of nowhere, the door flung open with a startling bang that made me sob in fear, as if I had not only just gotten myself to stop crying. I ducked my face against my knees as if to hide. Only one person would barge in here like that—

"Get up." Hidan's order was cold, annoyed. I peered up at his towering figure, finding his sinister eyes almost glowing in the darkness of the room. I hadn't even noticed that night had fallen. I flinched, my vision blurring as fresh tears welled in my eyes. I didn't move. I couldn't move.

Hidan snarled at my lack of obedience, clearly already in a vicious mood, and he reached down for me, jerking me off the floor like I was boneless. I wasn't exactly fragile, but I sure as fuck wasn't unbreakable. I already felt cracked, ruined, like one final poke and I was going to shatter into a million pieces. "No!" I shrieked, trying to pry at Hidan's hand. Panic had lurched up in my gut, almost making me sick. I didn't want Hidan to hurt me again, I didn't want that to happen again!

Instead of laying another hand on me, Hidan walked out of the room, dragging me behind him. I stumbled limply, hardly even able to keep my eyes open as I followed. I heard Hidan mumble under his breath, but I didn't quite make it out.

You know, I remembered something. When I was a child, I broke my ankle. I'd had to limp my way to the medic in the compound, and every step had felt like a knife jammed into my leg. Looking back at that, I think that walking right now was far worse. This time, it was like the knife was inside of me, and my heart was racing too fast for me to even catch my breath. Where was Hidan taking me? Was this it, was he finally through with me? Just like that?

Hidan came to a stop before an intimidating set of double doors, so tall that I had to tilt my head to look at them. Hidan started to shove one open. "Inside," he hissed, swinging me forward. I only kept my balance by the skin of my teeth, curling my arms around myself as I glanced behind me to see Hidan had followed. The door slammed shut behind him and in turn, I shut my eyes in a grimace. The shadows themselves could have intimidated me, at this point.

Reluctantly opening my eyes, I lifted my head and came to face to face with a man I'd never met before. He sat before me in a chair that looked carved from stone. His hair was a vibrant orange, and his face was decorated with a plethora of piercings, many of which appeared very painful. As he rested his gaze on me, his eyes seemed to stare right through me, the silver within them gleaming like a blade. I felt my mouth go dry, and found myself with the urge to kneel before the strange man without any reason why. Beside me, Hidan inclined his head, the only show of respect I'd ever seen him offer, though he still stood with his arms folded, as if he were bored by being there. His lips were pursed, eyes set in a scowl, still in that mood, and now I wondered if the anger wasn't wholly my fault. It couldn't be good news that he'd brought me here.

I trembled as the strange man cocked his head a fraction, eyes still pinned to me, where they narrowed as if he were displeased. "Your name is Amaya, is that correct?" he asked, his voice filling the entire room despite the soft timbre.

I couldn't find my voice, I could only nod, ducking my head to break away from the man's piercing eyes. I stiffened when beside me, Hidan shifted his weight, and the man with the bright orange hair spoke again. "Hidan, leave."

I'd never seen anyone outright order Hidan, and I certainly had never seen Hidan obey. He didn't right away, instead opening his mouth, probably to argue. The stranger cut him off with a raised hand. "Now."

I sunk my teeth into my lip when Hidan grit his teeth and turned around, nudging me out of the way as he took his leave. The brush of his skin against mine was enough to make my heart lurch into my throat, but I dared not react to it; have you ever been so very afraid you couldn't quite bring yourself to move at all? But even though Hidan was at the heart of that terror, once the door had boomed shut again, I almost found myself wishing I had left with him. There was something about this stranger, something that told me I was in greater danger than I could ever know.

"Amaya," the man stated, drawing my attention forward as my head snapped up to look at him. So quiet, so still, but he commanded every ounce of my respect and focus. The man's expression remained blank, unwavering, and I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes again. So much lay hidden behind those silver rings. "I've been informed about what happened to you, today. I wish for you to receive medical treatment to prevent any…unfavorable accidents happening."

Accidents? What kind of…my eyes widened as I began to catch on. Was he referring to pregnancy? That had never…it'd never crossed my mind. And Hidan had…I swallowed, only to find my throat dry, forcing a cough. I covered my mouth as I nodded my agreement, not that I thought I could deny. Fresh terror bubbled over within; I couldn't have a baby, I couldn't put it through this. It would be killed, I might even be killed along with it. I'd never considered being a mother, I wasn't…that sort of life wasn't for people like me.

Especially not with Hidan. He would kill me the moment he ever suspected such a thing. Of course, I was spiraling into panic over something that was completely preventable this early. Just as the man before me had said, medical treatment was offered to me, I would be okay.

Wouldn't I?

From the side, a slim figure stepped from the shadows; it was a face I recognized. Konan raised a hand to me, beckoning me to follow. "Come with me," she said, her soft voice soothing even when it possessed no comfort. I took a shaky breath, inclining my head in a slight bow to the strange man as a safe resort before I followed Konan. She led me out of the room, but I didn't relax until I could no longer feel those silver eyes on me.

Konan brought me into a cold, sterile room. It looked like a medical wing of sorts, with a few cots and a few cabinets. The white and silver within were almost blinding. I'd never been to this part of the base, but it was clear someone else kept it pristine. Konan gestured for me to sit on one of the cots. I sat and watched as she gathered her supplies before approaching me with a needle. "Please stay still," she murmured, examining my arm before she inserted the needle and began to draw blood, filling a couple of vials. I watched, a bit nauseated, but I wasn't really sure if it was because of the drawn blood. Once she was done, she bandaged my arm, never sparing me a glance. "We can use a machine to test blood for diseases or abnormalities, I'm going to check your blood, it will show if you've caught any illness from Hidan. Do not worry too much, even if you have, I will treat you."

Wh—illness? I hadn't thought about that, either. It hadn't occurred to me that I was far from Hidan's first partner, and who knew what else he did outside this base? I covered my mouth again, suppressing the renewed nausea. While Konan was occupied across the room, I laid down on the cot, covering my face. I wasn't about to cry again, but I felt like I could. What was I going to do if I was sick, if I ended up pregnant? What was I going to do from now on?

Oh, god—oh, fuck. If they were going through this trouble, did that mean that I was going to be staying here? Hidan wasn't going to get rid of me? Would I...would I have to live in fear of Hidan? I didn't know if I could even face him again, much less live with him. I couldn't do that, I couldn't do this, I…

On the verge of another breakdown, I jumped when Konan touched my arm, alerting me to her presence. She nodded in apology as I bolted upright, looking down at the papers in her hands. "I apologize. You are clean, it appears you've caught nothing. I'll test Hidan too, to see if I will need future precautions. In the meantime, here, take this," Konan held out a small glass vial, where an aqua liquid shimmered within. "This will eliminate any chances of pregnancy."

Gratefully, I downed the sour liquid, scrunching up my face as it went down. Konan's mouth twitched into a hint of a frown, but I couldn't tell if she felt bad for me or not. Perhaps she was annoyed at having to take care of this at all, but I chose to take some comfort in her presence, anyway. Reaching behind her, Konan pulled out a little bottle that she pressed into my hands. I looked at her curiously, but she wouldn't meet my eyes. "It's birth control," she murmured.

With that, she turned and walked away, leaving me staring agape at the bottle. Birth control meant it would happen again. Birth control meant they were going to let Hidan do whatever he wanted. No one really was going to help me. Birth control almost felt like permission, like saying yes. My throat dried up, threatening to choke me when I tried to swallow the bitter tang of rage and panic. They had no right, Hidan had no fucking right, they couldn't break me just like that, could they?

The door opened, and I stiffened with a wince at the sudden noise. I looked up to see Hidan as he came into the doorway, his eyes narrowing upon seeing me. "Come on, I don't have all fucking day," he ordered. He happened to glance down at the bottle I was holding, and he squinted at it a moment before a lecherous smirk happened across his face. I flinched and moved the bottle from his view, fighting back the brief urge to throw it at his face, and shakily stood up from the cot. I grit my teeth against the persistent aches as I followed Hidan, keeping my eyes on the floor and opting not to look at the strange man with silver eyes nor at Konan as Hidan led me out of the room.

Hidan was silent on our way back to the bedroom. Once inside, he shut the door. Immediately, my heart plummeted through the floor and I started to find it harder to breathe. I shied away from Hidan when he turned to look at me, silently urging him to just leave the room, leave me alone. He went ignorant of those desperate hints of course and loomed over me, and I could just feel his eyes on me…but I couldn't meet them. "Fucking look at me," he hissed.

Slowly, reluctantly, I lifted my face towards him, but I still couldn't bring myself to look Hidan in the eyes. I wasn't sure what I was so afraid of, but the thought of looking into those eyes made me feel like I would finally break apart, like it would be the final crack in my damaged foundation. Hidan scoffed and wordlessly shoved me down to the ground, where I collapsed in a heap. It was like a light switch; I hit the floor, my eyes squeezed shut, and I was gone. Exhaustion, pain, and terror combined into a potent sleeping potion. If I fell asleep, I could be free for a few hours, with nothing to hurt me.

Even if the nightmares made me wake up screaming.

* * *

The first fucking person to get in my way was losing their fucking head. I should have killed the fucking bitch dog the second I was finished with her; a sacrifice really fucking worthy of Lord Jashin. I shut my eyes, shuddering as I remembered hearing her scream, remembered the way those eyes, normally scowling with rage, had filled with tears and terror.

It hadn't fucking suited her.

Fuck, she fucking deserved to be knocked down a few pegs. She always thought she was fucking tough, a fighter, well she hadn't been so fucking strong a few minutes ago. Crying, pleading, weak…well, she should've learned her Jashin-damn lesson earlier, the fucking dumbass. It was her own fucking fault for pushing back so fucking hard every day.

But there wasn't any fucking fun in that, that was why she was still here, the cunt. I wanted to see her bleed, to watch her brave mask crack, I wanted to force her into submission; I didn't want her to just fucking give it. I'd had to take it from her, kicking and screaming…and I wanted it again. I wanted to see if she'd really be broken after this.

I think I was getting fucking addicted.

I needed to end it before it went any further, the fucking bitch. I craved seeing her fall off her fucking pedestal, craved seeing that first sign of fear in her. I wanted to see her stand back up and snap something off again, give me a real fucking reason to hurt her again.

"Hidan!" I stopped in my tracks when I heard a familiar voice snarling my name. Fucking great. I turned on the blond bitch as he stormed up to me, and with a glance down I noticed a flash of red on his hands. Was that fucking blood? Deidara got up in my face, like he was actually gonna fucking do anything. I leaned back with a sneer. "What the fuck did you do to her?!"

Oh, so it was her blood? I shoved him away. "What the fuck are you bitching about now?" I asked, but I was surprised when the little bastard actually shoved me back. I was not in the fucking mood for this.

"You fucking raped her, you sick son of a bitch!" Deidara was shouting now, the loud fucking brat. He was so pissed off, that stupid speed habit wasn't even there. "She screamed at me when I was just trying to help her, she's scared to death!"

That wasn't my fucking problem. Shit, was she really that fucked up? I started to shove past Deidara, but his next sentence sure caught my fucking attention. "I told Pein-sama what happened. He wants to see you, yeah."

I groaned. "Are you fucking serious? You can't just mind your own fucking business, can you?" I knocked Deidara out of my way, the fucking do-good bastard. He wasn't going to fucking save her, he wasn't a piece of shit knight in shining armor. I didn't even know when they'd fucking started talking to each other. Maybe I should've been keeping a closer eye on the bitch, after all.

I knocked on the door to our pretentious fucking leader's quarters, rolling my eyes when he bid me entry. I walked in and nodded my head; the others always bowed, but I wasn't about to fucking degrade myself in front of someone who was definitely no god.

Pein looked down at me, his eyes narrowed into a displeased scowl. Fucking perfect. "Hidan, where is this girl you purchased last month?" he asked, glancing behind me.

Obviously, she wasn't fucking h—wait, a month? Had it been that long already? Shit. "She's in my room," I hissed, teeth grit. I didn't ask for everyone to stick their fucking noses in my business, what I did with that bitch was no one else's problem but mine.

Pein stood. "Alive, for a change?" he sighed, almost under his breath. Everyone was fucking bent on me offing the bitch, weren't they? I wasn't fucking done with her yet. "I've warned you about this, Hidan. I can't take such risks, it was different when they lasted mere days, and if she's gotten sick because of you…" Pein didn't shut his fucking trap, but I'd stopped listening. Oh, fuck no.

"I'm fucking clean, you bastard! What the fuck!" I snapped, clenching my hands at my sides. Jashin, I'd love to knock that fucking mighty look off that asshole's face. What a shitty fucking assumption.

Pein leveled me with an unimpressed look. "I want you both tested. If you're keeping her, I won't have her wasting away. You also aren't considering the dangers of her becoming pregnant—you never think things through, Hidan. You act too recklessly. She's too young, you've put her at risk."

I snorted. As if it fucking mattered. "She's sixteen, I doubt it fucking matters. I'll put her on something," I snapped, growing more pissed off by the second.

"Bring her to me," he said, sitting back down. Why the hell did I even listen to this self-righteous asshole? I grumbled under my breath as I stormed out of the room, heading back for my own. Jashin-fuck, it didn't matter what I did to the bitch. She was mine, no one else's. No one else had any fucking right to tell me what to do with her or how to handle her.

I threw the door open to find her lying on the floor, all curled up in a pathetic little ball. She flinched, shaking like a fucking leaf. "Get up," I snapped, but she didn't move a damn inch. Great, fucking perfect. I wrenched her off the floor, only for her to scream like I'd fucking broken her arm. What the fuck was wrong with her, now? I'd hardly fucking done anything to her, yet.

She shouted "no" at me as I dragged her along, because I couldn't trust her to stay on her own two feet, crazy fucking animal. I could hear start to cry again, the emotional ass brat. I doubted me ordering her to shut up was going to fucking get me anywhere, but she finally stopped her sniveling when I pushed her into the leader's room. She stood shaking like a kicked dog while Pein questioned her, all the while I stood to the side, scowling at some of the questions. Trust him to act like he had a fucking conscience, now. Only when it didn't interfere with his own fucking needs, right?

When Pein ordered me to leave, I started to tell him to fuck right off, but he wasn't about to budge. He could shove that fucking attitude right up his ass. I pushed past Amaya, gritting my teeth when she flinched like I'd fucking punched her. She hadn't seen a damn thing yet, and she was about to fall apart? She was fucking better than that, I knew she was. She wasn't about to fucking break like this. She wasn't going to act like I was a fucking monster when I hadn't fucking shown her what a real monster was yet.

I fucking hated her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Fun fact, in the old version of this I apparently had Amaya take a pregnancy test directly after the sex scene. Like, come on. I know I was like, thirteen when I first wrote this, but I had to know better.
> 
> Old Note: By review, I had realized I forgot our darling Tobi, he shall make his loving appearance next chapter.
> 
> By review, I also currently like the song Move Bitch by Ludacris. Check that shit out. I don't normally even like him, but there's always that one song by every artist that I'll like.
> 
> And does Deidara's OOC genuinely bother some of you?
> 
> I kind of wove in a reviewer's suggestion, so I could fill out the chapter more, thank you.


	11. Chapter 11

The next time I woke up, it was to a pain that was becoming distressingly familiar. That didn't make it any less frustrating, but it did make it easier to ignore. The thing that was much harder to ignore was the wall of shame that came crashing down on top of me, along with the memories of what had happened just yesterday. Perhaps I'd have had a bit longer to wake up before being accosted by the memory, but as soon as I moved, the twinge of pain was accompanied by flashes of imagery that left me feeling sick. Without the immediate panic swallowing me whole, I had much more room for everything else to come unraveling, wrapping around me like a hundred snakes. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen to me? I knew better than to piss Hidan off, I knew better than to think I could fight him. I knew better. _You brought it on yourself,_ whispered a cold voice inside my head.

Was it my own voice?

I sat up, feeling half-awake at best. My eyes were dry and raw, much like my throat, as if I'd slept straight through a sandstorm. I didn't have to glance around the room to know that Hidan wasn't there; his presence was impossible to miss, even for someone with an attention span in the negatives. I wasn't sure when he'd left, but I was grateful he was gone. I wasn't ready to even see him yet, much less confront him…listen to him. I was too afraid, too humiliated, how was I ever going to find the strength to face it all again? He'd taken exactly what he'd wanted, I'd hardly even put up a fight. Though, I glanced at my aching arms and legs that had struggled, and at the blood still under my fingernails, all indications otherwise. I pulled up a sleeve to take a peek at the vibrant bruises staining my wrists, darker than ever, angrier than ever. Now, Hidan knew how easy it was to have me underneath him, crying and begging like some sort of fucking toy. I'd played right into his hands. I'd fallen right into the trap that I'd seen coming for ages, and still I'd kept running, sprinting right into the metal teeth.

Nothing but a whore.

_Get up then, whore. Stop your wallowing in self-pity._

There came that voice again, raspy and distant and still managing to echo like those thoughts you just couldn't shake. It also wasn't wrong, sitting around in a pool of my own tears wasn't going to get me anywhere. I gathered myself and pulled myself upright, using the bed to help me stand up. I still felt wobbly, but I managed not to stumble right back to the floor. That was enough of a win for now, just standing on my own two feet. While it wasn't the same as last night, walking made an angry ache resurface, an ugly reminder of the pains I still had to endure. They were sharp, hateful…a reminder, a warning. _You couldn't do a thing to stop him. You allowed this to happen to you._

No. No, that wasn't…it couldn't be true. Was it…was it my fault?

_You should've just learned to keep your mouth shut, stupid girl. You can't protect yourself. Look what you did to yourself._

A vicious snarl cut through the air as I reached for my own head, digging my nails into my scalp like I could yank out the voice. "Shut up, shut up!" I snapped, my lower lip catching on my teeth as I growled. I began to tremble as mocking laugher echoed in the back of my mind. It wasn't real, it wasn't here. I was the only person here, right? I hadn't heard that voice in…

I shook my head to dislodge the memory, hair whipping around my face. I wasn't doing this today. Not ever. Steeling myself, I straightened and made my way to the bathroom, deliberately ignoring every stab of pain. It would fade, pain wasn't permanent, pain was nothing but temporary. Pain was nothing. Fetching clean underwear, I went to shower again, even if the scent of soap still clung to me, I could still smell him through it. I needed to scrub, and scrub, and scrub. I turned the water to its hottest setting, and I didn't care that my skin turned red as I stood under the spray, emptying another bottle of soap onto myself and not caring who asked where it all fucking went. The water only turned faintly pink this time, but I only risked it a brief glance. Scrubbing this time didn't hurt as much, and in fact, my vicious washing was probably what had made me bleed in the first place…that and perhaps I just had been so unwilling to touch myself there last night. That made me want to scrub even harder. _You deserve to feel pain._

I stayed under the water long after it turned cold, staring at the floor where the water rushed towards the drain. I wondered, just for a split-second, if I could plug the drain and manage to drown myself in here before anyone noticed. Would drowning hurt? Would it hurt worse than this? Temporary, temporary, but what if temporary was the new forever?

I yanked the knobs to turn the water off, turning those thoughts off with it.

I dried and dressed in the clothes Deidara had given me, but avoided leaving the comfort of the bathroom for just a while longer. It was safe in the bathroom, it was small. I padded across the floor, and when I reached the mirror I paused, my eyes drawn to look inside the glass. There stood a trembling girl of wild red hair and pale skin. Her eyes were wide, round with a tangible panic that had me finding it hard to breathe. Her eyes slid lower, towards her throat, where an ugly mark bloomed behind a collar. A bruise—the bruise was as much a collar, too. Shame washed over the girl's features, her brow creasing, her lip trembling. She looked so fucking pathetic.

But wait—who was I staring at? Where was my reflection? This girl couldn't be…no. No, I wasn't that pitiful. That shivering, frightened creature was not me. Slowly, I raised a hand to the mirror, resting my fingertips against the cool surface. The girl within the mirror mimicked my every move. Our eyes met, both pairs widening in horror. "No…" I whispered. This bruised, broken thing…was me. I was the pathetic one. A ball of fury erupted inside me suddenly, searing hot and swallowing me whole before I even knew the fire was upon me. "No!" I screamed, reeling back a fist and throwing it at the mirror with all of my might.

Glass shattered beneath my fist. Shattered, so much like my head. I could see the shards falling, collapsing into a mess I could never be able to piece back together.

Drops of blood began to trickle from my hand, and I collapsed to the floor while gasping for breath. My heart was in my throat, and I couldn't seem to breathe around it. Blood—blood should stay inside, it shouldn't spill. What had I done, what had I done? How could I fix it, how could I fix this?

I never heard anyone enter the room. Not until something bright and loud, nothing but a blur, launched in front of me; a mass of orange, black, and noise. I started violently, too in shock to even scream again, or perhaps too choked on my own heart. I started to fall backwards away from the sudden intruder, but they weren't having it. I found strong arms on my shoulders, grasping me hard. "Oh, no! Are you all right?!"

The voice was worried, but…somehow childlike. It was a masculine voice, at least I was certain of that. The young man lifted me up without any warning, as if I were nothing but a doll. I didn't like feeling so vulnerable, and I liked having hands anywhere near me even less, but I didn't have the time to think hard on those feelings. Everything was happening so fast, I couldn't keep up with it, I didn't even have time to panic. "It's okay, Tobi will help you!"

Er, okay, there was a name at least, now. Tobi set me down on Hidan's bed, and he took my injured hand in both of his, turning it this way and that as he examined it, all while I tried to examine him in return, but I wasn't quite…processing him. Carefully, he began to clean away the blood with a cloth, and I had no idea where he'd picked it up from. "Why did you do that to Hidan-san's mirror? Did it do something mean to you?" Tobi asked while diligently cleaning the cuts in my hand. He spoke so fast, it was starting to give me a headache. The cuts stung, but the slight pain was a welcome distraction. I clung to it.

I took a good look at the young man, but it wasn't like I could see much. His entire face was covered by a florid orange mask, with only a single eyehole. The rest of him was covered by that Akatsuki cloak, thus I really couldn't gauge his size or age that well. I mulled over his question, but I never came up with a good answer for it. He hopped up before I could even deny answering, and trotted to the bathroom. He returned moments later with a small tube, and he took my hand again, squirting a clear ointment onto it. It burned as Tobi rubbed it into the tiny wounds, and I had to hope it was a disinfectant of some sort. I wasn't eager to return to Konan so soon and for something so stupid.

To my surprise, Tobi leaned down and tilted his mask up a fraction so he could blow on the cuts, soothing the mild sting and making me feel much younger. He fixed his mask and jumped up again to put away the cloth and medicine. By the time he came back, I was dizzy just watching him. He stood in front of me for a moment, practically bouncing in place, and I had to wonder where he stored all of that energy. "Tobi hopes you're okay, miss!" he said, a smile in his voice.

"Thanks…" I said. "You can, uh, call me Amaya. I appreciate your help," I said, offering a tentative smile of my own. Without warning, Tobi reached down and took my uninjured hand, pulling me off the bed and leading me out the door before I could so much as protest. This boy was too much too fast, but there was something about him that was so…terribly harmless. I had to actively make sure there wasn't a limp in my gait, but I could do that much, right? I could hide it, right?

_It wouldn't seem you can do much of anything._

Fuck you.

My head throbbed with an oncoming headache, and I opened my mouth to ask Tobi if we could slow down a little. I wasn't even sure where he was taking me, and I doubted asking him would enlighten me much.

"Tobi!" I flinched when Deidara's voice called out from behind us. Tobi paused, and we both turned to look at the rather irate blond. "Tobi, you can't just go dragging people around, especially if they're…tired," Deidara sighed, pausing as if he needed to find a different word and letting his shoulders sag a little. He turned his attention towards me then, his eye softening. "Amaya," he murmured, "are you okay?"

I looked down, but lucky for me, Tobi took it upon himself to answer, perhaps misunderstanding Deidara's question. "Amaya-chan punched Hidan-san's mirror this morning. Don't worry, I patched her up!" Tobi exclaimed, reaching down and holding up my cut-up hand. I winced, unwilling to face Deidara as a beat of silence fell over the three of us.

Deidara scowled at my hand, before appearing to decide against commenting on it and instead turning back to Tobi. "I'm sure she appreciates it," he grumbled. Tobi hadn't let go of me yet, and I hadn't flinched the entire time. He was just so…innocent, childlike, I didn't feel threatened by the poor thing at all. Suddenly, I heard a sound echo somewhere down the corridor and I stiffened, whipping towards the noise like it was going to come around the corner and swallow me whole.

Deidara raised a reassuring hand. "He isn't here," he murmured. I cringed, was I really so easy to read? Just a wretched little victim that needed everyone else to look out for her?

Beside me, Tobi nudged me gently. "Is Amaya-chan hungry?" he asked, cocking his head. Why did he talk in the third person like that?

Wryly, I smiled. "No, Amaya-chan isn't," I answered, only a touch sarcastically. Deidara snorted, sidling past us on his way to the kitchen. Like a puppy, Tobi followed, and I had no choice but to follow Tobi. It did sound better than wallowing alone in that bedroom. Although, Deidara didn't seem overtly fond of Tobi. I could see how the boy might get overwhelming after a while, but he seemed genuinely sweet, and it was so refreshing. What he was doing in a place like this was beyond me. Perhaps later I'd get a chance to ask Deidara.

I took a seat on the couch, opting to watch Deidara cook something while Tobi attempted to help. Attempted was the keyword, and I snickered whenever Deidara had to nudge Tobi out of his way. It was really so simple, but it felt like a weight was lifted off of me, if only for a little while. I had to hope I wouldn't get in any trouble for taking a day off today; I didn't think I'd be able to stand anything rigorous today. Just walking to the living room had been strenuous enough, and a part of me still yearned to stay curled up, not awake but not quite asleep. I still felt exhausted despite sleeping the whole night.

"Amaya-chan, catch!" Tobi called suddenly, and I snapped upright just in time to catch an apple as it came sailing towards me. I stared at the two men for a moment, while Deidara shrugged.

"You do need to eat something, yeah," he told me, taking a seat at the counter. Tobi came bolting into the living room, taking a running leap and landing beside me on the couch. Both of us bounced from the force and Deidara shot him a scathing look, but I found myself giggling for a moment. It was only a moment, but it felt…nice, to do something other than sobbing into my hands. Tobi made me feel like none of it had been real, like I had woken up from a bad dream.

I nibbled at my apple while Deidara and Tobi bickered back and forth, the conversation never veering into serious territory. It was oddly soothing, considering they were all but arguing, but it felt familiar and safe, and that was all I wanted. It felt better than hiding away on my own, sinking further away, and that was surely what I'd be doing had Tobi not insisted otherwise earlier. Tobi would occasionally ask for my input on something, but I never had too much to say. I was content to rest with their company, at ease with their background noise and steadiness of their presence. At some point, Tobi had reached over and began to comb through my hair. I was stiff at first, more surprised than anything, but gradually relaxed and allowed him his petting. Deidara aimed a concerned look at me, but I held up a hand to reassure him it was okay. I appreciated his protective moment, though. Much more than I could put into words. I didn't feel half as alone as I had before.

That peace was not meant to last. I knew it wouldn't, but it still came to an end all too soon.

"Damn it, where is she?" Hidan's annoyed voice echoed into the living room, making my blood turn to ice. Beside me, Tobi flinched, too.

"Hidan-san sounds angry!" Tobi whispered fretfully, leaping off the couch and running from the room, all before I could even look up at him. I didn't blame him, but I envied him, wishing I could run away from all of this, too. Deidara stood up as well, his jaw tight as he looked towards me. Something angry bared its teeth in the back of my mind.

"I'm fine," I said, a bit harsher than I'd intended. I just…I didn't want anyone's pity, I didn't need any more of that. I couldn't hide from Hidan and no one could protect me from him. I had to face it all on my own eventually; Hidan, what had happened, and…and what was going to happen. Deidara's expression only darkened with concern.

"Amaya, be careful," he told me softly, before he turned and left the room, himself. It hit me the wrong way. Be careful? How could I be careful around a monster like Hidan? Was Deidara…was he implying this had been my fault, too? I was so struck by that awful implication, that I didn't even notice Hidan entering the room.

"There you are, where the fuck have you been all day?" Hidan said, wrenching me back into the present none too gracefully. I jumped at his voice and peered up with round eyes as he stood over the couch, towering above me. I tucked myself closer to the corner I'd sat in; small, small, make yourself small.

"J…just around the base," I admitted, cursing the waver in my voice. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth, but I doubted Hidan would care to know it anyway.

Hidan narrowed his eyes down at me, his teeth grit in a snarl. "Come the fuck here," he said, turning around and fully expecting me to follow, like a good little dog. And I did…like a good little dog. I kept my arms folded protectively across my chest, but upon reaching the bedroom, Hidan reached behind him and abruptly yanked me inside, as if I had been too slow for his liking. I yelped, putting up one arm to guard my face. That was when I remembered the mirror. Oh, god, had he seen the mess? I'd completely forgotten to clean it up, how could I have been so stupid?!

I shot a glance at the bathroom, expecting to see shimmering glass covering the floor, but the ground was pristine. The mirror was still there, completely intact, and a surge of confusion almost knocked me off my feet. I had to actually look down at my hand to ensure it was still hurt. I knew I had punched it, so what had… _Tobi._ He must have cleaned things up for me. I don't know where he'd even gotten the chance, but I'd have to thank him soon.

Hidan let me go, but he leaned in close, far too close for comfort. I tensed up and had to clench my jaw to stop it from trembling. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he asked, his voice low, quiet, but making me flinch all the same. When he was quiet was when he was the most dangerous. If he wasn't angry about the mirror, then what on earth had I done wrong? What could Hidan possible be angry with _me_ about? I was the fucking one who deserved to be angry! I hadn't done anything wrong, I hadn't done anything to him!

"What are you talking about?" I asked, and I surprised myself with a steady voice. Hidan scoffed, stepping forward and backing me against the wall. No, no—I didn't want to be caged, I didn't want to be put in a corner. Not again. My heart was pounding, my head was throbbing. That wasn't going to happen again, not here, not now. My body was filling with fire again, I could see the fangs bared, glinting, hungry.

"I'm sick of you acting like a fucking spineless victim. Stop crying like a fucking coward," he hissed, leaning down over me. My mouth dropped, and something in me just… _snapped._ Like something wild finally breaking out of its cage. Hidan had no right, he didn't have the fucking right!

"What the fuck do you want from me?!" I screamed, tears of rage springing to my eyes. Hidan backed away, his brows raised in surprise at my outburst. My voice echoed off the stone around us, making it sound like my furious question was repeating over and over.

He soon steeled himself again, glaring down at me. "Stop being such a whiny fucking bitch!" he seethed, and he raised his arm suddenly, making my heart jump out of my chest. Before he could lay a hand on me, I was lashing out, too far gone to understand what I was doing. It was reflex, reflex that might soon get me killed, but it was all I could do…I had to. I clawed at Hidan's arm wildly, not even sure I'd landed a hit, because as soon as I'd shoved him away, I was tearing through the door like a bat out of hell. Hidan's hissed curse grew faint.

Get away, get away, had to get away.

I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, but I ran for the only place my panic-addled brain could think of. I burst into Deidara's room, a breathless and jarring sight, I was sure. I collapsed to my knees on Deidara's floor; from the edges of my vision, I could see Deidara jumping up from his bed, shocked by the sudden intrusion. "Amaya?" he asked, sounding surprised, cautious. He knelt near me and reached to steady me, but he moved slow, wary. I was a wild animal that might strike at any second.

After all, who knew what the crazy girl might do next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New and Old notes: N/A


	12. Chapter 12

I had no idea how long I'd been standing over the fucking dog, watching her sleep fitfully. She hadn't even twitched when I came in, but then she'd started tossing back and forth, expressions flitting across her face. It was almost like she was actually fucking awake, watching her eyes squeeze shut or her mouth screw into a grimace, like she was reacting to something happening right then. She was always so much more fucking open when she slept, it wasn't nearly as big of a pain in the ass trying to read her. She sometimes even mumbled in her sleep, but it was never a damn thing I could make out.

I'd tried to going to bed already, but the sound of her restlessly moving around made me give up on that shitty idea soon enough. It was fucking impossible to sleep with her in the room anymore. That's why I was standing there, wasting my fucking time watching her toss and turn. I hadn't planned on stopping, but when I'd caught sight of her face, twisted in such distress, I'd paused. Was she having a fucking nightmare? Was that what all this damn noise was? She could snap out of that shit right fucking now.

Suddenly, a sharp cry pierced the air, and I winced and took a step back from the echoing sound. I scowled down at her as she curled in on herself after that fucking outburst, almost like she was hurt. Grumbling, I knelt beside her and reached to touch her forehead, trying to test if she was fucking sick or some shit. That was the only reason for her to act so Jashin-damn out of it. The only thing that was gonna be killing this bitch was gonna be me, not any fucking easy way out.

As soon as I touched her, she stiffened for a moment, only to relax into my hand a second later. She leaned her face into my palm with a shaky sigh rattling in her chest. I narrowed my eyes as I stared down at her for a few seconds too long, not pulling my hand away just yet. It was the first time she'd done anything other than fucking scream or cry at me since... When I did pull away, I stood, left the room, and walked straight out of the fucking base. I needed to get away from it, from the fucking mess lying in my room.

What the fuck—she was crying because of me, only to do that? I knew she was fucking asleep, that didn't make it any less fucking confusing. Had she been awake, she would've been screaming all over again, she'd never have fucking even let me get close. Had she thought I was someone else while she was asleep? Yeah, maybe that was it. It was the only fucking explanation I had anyway, and she was hard enough to explain away as shit was. I'd known since I'd fucking seen her there was something wrong with her, a fucking screw loose somewhere in the middle of all that stubborn, spiteful anger.

This was her fucking problem to begin with. She never listened to anyone, she always tested me right to the fucking last shred of patience. Then when it came down to it, she couldn't handle the fucking consequences. Of fucking course she'd push me to the edge, only to be surprised when she fell over it too? It was the only fucking way to get her to shut up, I didn't expect her to have a fucking breakdown. I didn't expect it to be that easy. I expected a little more of a fight from someone like this bitch. She'd done a complete one-eighty, and now I was the one left trying to make sense of her. She was like a fucking puzzle, and I think she was missing a few Jashin-damn pieces. Fuck, she'd already been fucking broken before I'd put my hands on her, hadn't she?

"Fuck!" I snapped, whipping a fist to the side and slamming it into the nearest tree trunk. A cloud of splinters burst into the air, but it did nothing to satisfy the urge. I was going back for my scythe, and after that, the first poor bastard I fucking saw had better hope he was fast. That fucking dog had gotten in my head, like some kind of fucking witch. Every other bitch I'd brought back had been so quiet, so ready to submit. I'd never had someone so full of fucking fire, like she was ready to burn herself alive before ever giving up.

I was almost ready to fucking get rid of her, but no…not yet. I wasn't done with the bitch, yet. She was mine to break. Now that I finally had her in a corner, I wasn't backing down yet, and I didn't think she was going to, either. Wasn't that what I'd fucking wanted, though?

I'd wanted to force the fucking bitch to submit. Now that I had it, I didn't know what to do with it.

* * *

By the time I got back to the base, the sun was high in the sky, well into the morning. I still wanted to tear someone's throat out, but I'd satisfied the urge enough. Inside, I let my scythe drop, where it clattered to the floor and splattered the nearest wall with blood. I sneered at the sight, already picturing the little fit someone was going to throw when they had to clean it up. Speaking of, where the fuck was she? She should've been up ages ago, don't tell me she was still fucking hiding.

I headed for the bedroom first, only to find it fucking empty. I sighed heavily—why the fuck did I give a shit where she was, I hadn't kept her fucking chained up, before. A part of me wanted to though, just to spite the bitch. Where the fuck could she even go, she'd been limping everywhere just yesterday. I stormed out of the room. "Damn it, where is she?" I snapped, and heard a scuffle from the living room. I guess that was the next stop.

When I got there, she was sitting on the couch, looking like she'd seen a ghost. I could've sworn I'd heard her talking to someone, but there was no one else there. Maybe she really was losing her mind, if she'd even fucking had it in the first place. Her eyes grew round with fear as she looked up at me, and I waited for the familiar surge of satisfaction I always felt when I broke down a fucking bitch. Maybe it would finally teach her some Jashin-damn humility. Maybe it would teach her to shut her fucking mouth.

When I asked her where she'd been, her voice stuttered through an answer, making me roll my eyes. All right, I was over this bullshit. She wasn't a meek fucking mouse, I'd seen her fucking snarl at me. I'd seen her fight and bite and scratch, I'd seen the worst of her, and this thing before me was a fucking stranger. As much as I'd enjoyed seeing her cry, hearing her scream—it wasn't enough. I wanted more, I wanted everything from her. I was starting to crave it, like some sort of shitty forsaken addict. That shaky fucking voice wasn't hers. None of this was her.

I ordered her to follow, and there wasn't an ounce of protest from her. She followed like a lost little puppy that'd had its fangs filed down. When I yanked her into my room, I turned on her, and got a good look at her. I had seen her just yesterday, but even in that frame, she looked so fucking different. Her eyes had lost some of their shine, she was paler, the loose clothes she was wearing made her look even younger. She was barely five fucking feet as it was probably, and now that she was shrinking down, she looked even smaller. Her red hair was disheveled around her face, and as I watched, she shrank away from me, like I'd threatened to fucking hit her. I hadn't fucking moved. She didn't get to break after one fucking time, she didn't get to give up so easily—no, I decided when she'd had enough, I decided when it was over. Who the fuck did she think she was?

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked, suddenly and without even thinking about it. I was sick of her acting like this, like a broken fucking victim. Was she really gonna give up, was all of that fighting and arguing and acting tough really just a fucking show? She'd done it all for nothing? I didn't believe it.

I watched as something began to unfold on her face; shock and surprise began to crack, unraveling and revealing something beneath, something feral. "What are you talking about?" she asked, a familiar edge creeping into her tone. I just had to push, just a little fucking more.

I backed her against the wall, and she stiffened, tight as a coil. I was talking, but I was hardly hearing myself, I was too focused on her face. Her eyes widened, and a vibrant anger replaced the earlier dullness, making them shine bright in raw fucking rage. The same rage that had drawn me to her that first fucking day that had started all of this shit. She was coming to a boil, the fire getting closer to the fuse. This was the fucking girl I recognized, not the sniveling coward who'd taken her place earlier. She was coming back to life right in front of my fucking eyes.

"What the fuck do you want from me?!" she screamed, her voice echoing off the fucking walls and making my ears ring. I took a step back, surprised, but I got right back in her face, snapping at her, arguing with her. I raised an arm—I didn't even plan to fucking hit her, but she must've thought so. Before I'd even seen her move, she was launching forward, all teeth and claws and wolf. Much more a wild animal than a girl. As soon as it had happened, it was over, and she was tearing out of the room, running, running like she had anywhere to go. There was fucking nowhere she could ever hide from me.

I glanced down at the five, fresh claw marks on my arm, just starting to ooze blood, and I grinned.

 _This_ was what I fucking wanted.

* * *

Deidara was talking, but I wasn't listening. I was gone, out of my own body as it sat on the floor, tears trailing down my cheeks and steadily cooling. I wasn't sobbing, I wasn't hysterical, I didn't even know why I was crying. Maybe because I was just so fucking angry.

They said holding hate for another person was like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well, if that had any truth to it, I was chugging arsenic and waiting on Hidan to drop dead. I hated the very air that bastard breathed. I hated his smile, I hated his hands, I hated his cruelty, I hated his fucking eyes. I loathed everything about Hidan, and that made me want to fucking destroy him. I didn't want to give him what he wanted, not anymore. If I was going to burn alive in the fire Hidan had set, god damn it, I was burning him with me, until nothing but the silver gleam of that pendant remained.

I couldn't run anymore, I couldn't hide anymore. I had to fight. I had to claw, bite, and scream. I hated him for what he'd done to me, what he was doing to me. He had no right, no one had the fucking right. I wasn't a doll, I wasn't a toy. I wasn't a slave—I was a _person._ And people don't break. Breaking is for glass. I was cracked, perhaps, but that was fine with me. I was going to fill those cracks with my rage and build myself even stronger. Those fractures in my body ran crimson with molten anger.

I heard Hidan swearing as he approached, having chased after me. I assumed he would, I hadn't expected him to just stand there and let me attack him. I glanced at my hand, where my nails had blood caked underneath them. I'd hurt him. I'd lashed out at him and actually landed a hit. I _could_ hurt him. I mean, I'd only taken him by surprise, but that meant I could do it again…and again…and again. I wasn't going to sit still and pretty while Hidan did whatever he wanted. We could both bleed.

Adrenaline was pouring into my veins, but it wasn't fear. It was fury. How dare Hidan hurt me, how dare he take my body, my will, my freedom. I was angry at him for that, and I was angry at myself. Angry for letting myself slip, for letting myself go, for hitting the ground on my knees and not getting back up. Well, no fucking more. I was pissed, and I was about to bring new meaning to the word. I wasn't going to lose myself, I wasn't going to let myself get stolen. I was up, now.

Hidan was in the doorway, and he was mad. "You little bitch," he hissed, his eyes simmering. Deidara had tried to stand up, perhaps to get between us, but I held a hand up; a hand that Hidan was quick to snatch and use to yank me off the floor. My shoulder screamed in protest, but my mouth stayed shut, even as the taste of blood coated my tongue.

I was afraid of Hidan when he glared into my face, but I scowled right back, baring my teeth in a hateful snarl. The fact that I was afraid only made me even angrier, Hidan didn't have the fucking right to make me afraid. I wasn't afraid of anyone. He didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve to have that power over me. I was going to take it back, even if it killed me. I was going to take back every single part of me he'd tried to take from me.

Hidan stormed from the room, dragging me with him back to our room. "Let go of me!" I shouted, clawing at his hand to no avail. If anyone was going to make a show of fighting for their life, it was me, and I was going to make it as dramatic as possible. If Hidan killed me, got rid of me, he was never going to forget me.

Once inside the bedroom, Hidan swung his arm and sent me tumbling to the floor, a mess of red and swears. I got the wind knocked out of me, but that didn't stop me from whipping around, spitting obscenities at Hidan. He kicked the door shut and turned on me, one corner of his mouth pulled up into a sneer. "You haven't learned a fucking thing, have you?" he asked, voice low as he came to stand over me. It was eerily calm, a far cry from everything else I'd seen of him.

Hidan reached down, wrapping a hand around my throat. It was as cold as my collar, and twice as terrifying. He lifted me up off the ground and slammed my back into the wall, crushing my hopes of catching my breath. I reached up to wrap both hands around Hidan's wrist, squeezing tight and digging in my nails. I looked Hidan right in the eyes, holding his gaze for what felt like ages.

He leaned in close, so close. His lips moved against my own when he spoke. "What do I have to do to break you?" he murmured.

I smiled.

"You can't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New note: I'm big mad because I've had an old laptop for a couple years now, and it tends to overheat or shut off randomly. I lost a chunk of this chapter when the laptop decided to act up, and although it's happened to me multiple times (it happens to every writer, we all know the pain) I never get used to it. You always feel like the writing you lost can't be rewritten and it'll never be as good. So, this chapter is now cursed.
> 
> Old note:My damn power is out so all I can do is write and wait until it's on to post. Demons and aliens and Black Eyed Children and the Grim Reaper *smirks*
> 
> On another note; this story is actually moving pretty slow as I'm figuring out what to do with it. I actually have an idea of how to end it but we're a while from that.
> 
> So don't worry.


	13. Chapter 13

Hidan might not break me, but he could sure hurt me.

"Konan, I think you're making it worse," I said past grit teeth, wincing as she continued prodding at my bruised leg. She'd suspected it to be broken, but I was almost certain it was just a sprain. I tended to scream when I broke bones, and so far I'd only spat very frustrated swears. Of course, I doubt it'd be long before Hidan went too far and actually did break one of my bones, he'd threatened it before, after all. He certainly wasn't all bark and no bite, but you definitely heard him barking long before he bit.

Like today, when he'd gotten fed up with my refusal to clean his scythe for the umpteenth time; again, I'd have saved myself a lot of trouble by relenting, but it was the principle of the fucking matter. I'd already polished the fucking thing twice, but today appeared to be one of _those_ days for Hidan. He kept leaving the base in a rage, and when he came back, both him and the scythe were bloody again. He had to be running out of nearby victims, no? I was sick of cleaning the giant weapon by then, especially on top of my other chores, and I'd all but told Hidan to fuck off. And, well, Hidan had all but broken my leg.

Tobi was sitting behind me, arms locked around my waist to keep me still so Konan could patch me up. It was probably more for his idea of help than anything else. It wasn't like I was going to impede her…not actively, but she'd complained before that I was a bit fidgety. I'm really not even sure why she bothered fixing me up when Hidan was going to do it all over again anyway, probably in the same day, but I wasn't about to sound ungrateful.

Konan hushed me, not for the first time. I'd probably snapped at her twice in the past fifteen minutes as she looked me over, poking at my very sore leg. She must've finally deemed it unbroken though, because she sighed, resting her hand over the vivid bruise that had enveloped my knee. I watched with furrowed brows as a green shroud of chakra bloomed around her hand, and the bruise (along with the pain) began to fade. "You've got enough disadvantages as is," she murmured, once she was finished. Still stunned, I murmured my gratitude, despite still being somewhat wary of Konan. She wasn't exactly my friend, maybe hardly an ally, but she wasn't an enemy, either. She could most definitely get in trouble for what she'd just done for me, I didn't doubt it.

I think she helped me only as much as she could.

Turning back around, Konan handed me a glass of water along with a familiar round pill that made me grimace. "I've been taking them," I reassured her, even as I swallowed the birth control. Hidan hadn't touched me, not like _that,_ since the day he'd…

I couldn't bring myself to say the word. It was so frightening, so violent. Thinking it alone made me remember things I'd rather not. It was so much easier to pretend it had never happened, but I knew that was going to blow up in my face too, but how was I supposed to confront something like that? How did I let it live in my head? Tobi carded his fingers through my hair as I sipped at the water. "What was that, Konan-san?" he asked, and I accidentally inhaled instead of swallowing. As I choked on the water, Konan leveled Tobi with a collected gaze.

"It's a pain-killer, Tobi, in case she has bruises elsewhere," Konan explained, taking the water away from me before I could do anymore damage to myself. I looked up at her as I wiped a hand across my mouth, subtly nodding my head in thanks. Konan tilted hers slightly, acknowledging me even as she turned around to reorganize her medical station. It was often me who made the place such a mess, these days.

Tobi didn't ask any other questions, to which I was extremely grateful that Konan's answer had satisfied him. I wasn't in the mood to explain to anyone what I was doing to prevent a monster from getting me pregnant. Especially not someone like Tobi, who, despite being taller, older, felt so very young. I wasn't trying to discredit him at all, but I was dubious of him even knowing what birth control was for.

I was angry that I had to take it at all, but I wasn't about to stop. I was thankful to have it, regardless of my resentment and the bizarre way it almost felt like acceptance. I couldn't bore a child, and I absolutely couldn't bore Hidan's. The very idea made me have to shut my eyes and focus on my breathing, just barely batting away hysteria. That would be hard to explain to Tobi too, why I was suddenly on the floor hyperventilating. It had been days since my last panic attack, I thought I was doing good. Maybe I was grateful, but it still felt like a sick form of consent.

I could be grateful and pissed off at the same time. I was a multitasker.

From down the hallway, I heard the last voice I wanted to hear. "I don't give a fuck!" Hidan snapped, making me shut my eyes and duck my head, despite him being so far away. I heard footsteps in the doorway that made me look up just in time to see Deidara coming in. He blew a strand of blond out of his face as he went to lean against the counter, looking down at me with a stiff expression.

"Was it broken?" he asked, glancing down at my leg, now clear of any bruising.

I shook my head. "Nah, he'll have to try a little harder," I shrugged, wrapping my arms around my knees. Behind me, Tobi shifted his weight, inviting my own to lean against him more easily.

"Don't tempt him," Deidara said with a roll of his eyes. He'd been the unfortunate one to carry me to the medical ward, after happening upon Hidan slamming me full-bodily into the wall. When I'd fallen, there'd been a very concerning crunch. Deidara had been arguing with Hidan ever since, but I couldn't recall a word that had been spoken. I'd been too busy trying not to shriek with pain, so you'd have to excuse me.

The next person in the room was very much not invited. He was also very angry; again, it was one of those days, he'd been in a mood all day. I didn't know what had caused it, but I'd certainly made it worse. Hidan leaned in the doorway, a sharp glint in his eyes that made me shrink on the bed. "All better?" he asked, voice oozing mock saccharine.

"No cool scars this time," I sighed, too stubborn to let Hidan have too much satisfaction in putting me in the medical ward. I'd taken a break from the ice, but now I was stepping onto it again—more like stomping—and it was thin. I wasn't ready for it to crack under me so soon and send me careening into the frigid waters. Hidan narrowed his eyes, stalking into the room; ah, there was the freezing wave. I'd only just learned how to swim, too.

"She's fine," Konan said, attempting to cut in and prevent any further harm, perhaps distract Hidan's attention, but it was too late. Hidan wasn't in the mood today. I couldn't catch a break. I might never until someone finally decided I didn't deserve my tongue. Tobi made a distressed sound as Hidan snatched me by my arm and hauled me off the bed and out the door, my feet hardly touching the floor all the way to the bedroom.

"Let go! Haven't you done enough?!" I snarled, and I wasn't sure if I was only referring to today. Hidan shoved me forward so hard I lost my footing, and I found myself collapsing onto his bed after hitting the edge. The second the sheets ruffled beneath me, I was assaulted by the memories. Hands on me, lips on me, bruises on me.

I bolted upright and started scrambling to get off the bed, but Hidan was already there to impede me. He caught both my hands and threw me back down without even a word, making me bounce on the mattress. He was pissed off, and in the heat of the moment, my own temper came to a boil, leaving us both burning at each end. I swung a fist in his general direction, and it connected, to my immense surprise. I was getting faster; either that or I was getting wilder, coming unhinged. You know what? Whatever fucking worked.

Hidan growled, his head having snapped to the side a bit from the force of my punch. Okay, it hadn't been that great of an idea after all. Hidan lunged, and I screamed as he shoved my arms up over my head. He hovered above me, his hair starting to fall into his face as he leaned in close to me. My chest heaved, and I leaned my head back as far as the mattress would sink. "I've had it," Hidan hissed, his teeth clenched together. "It's about time someone did something about that fucking mouth of yours."

I shook my head, hair flying into my face in my vain struggling. I shoved at Hidan's chest with every ounce of strength in me, but it hardly made a difference. Damn Hidan—damn his strength, damn everything. Fuck it, fuck him, fuck it all!

"Get the fuck away from me!" I spat, resorting to clawing at Hidan instead. I raked angry red marks down his chest and arms, but he only hissed, more in annoyance than actual pain. Of course he wouldn't care about pain. Of course not. People like Hidan got off on the pain of others, on their humiliation, their weakness. People like Hidan were the real weak ones; preying on those who weren't fighting back. Well, now Hidan had him a fight, and it could be as fucking ugly as he wanted it to be. This was his weakness, not mine anymore. I screamed in fury when Hidan grabbed a handful of my hair, dragging me off the bed unceremoniously. I hit the floor hard but got myself up onto my knees, but Hidan kept my head pushed down, stopping me from getting any farther than kneeling.

I began to shake as Hidan undid his pants, wearing a sneer as he pulled his cock out. He was already half-hard. A startled sound launched from my chest when Hidan tugged me closer, smearing the head of his cock against my lips. A hot flush flared on my cheeks as I glanced up at Hidan, stunned. "Open, bitch. And if you fucking think of biting, I'll knock every last tooth out."

A wolf with no bite was no wolf at all.

I looked back down at Hidan's cock, my stomach turning at the idea of putting it in my mouth—my _mouth._ I'd never…I knew of oral sex, but I'd never stopped to consider actually doing it. The thought made me sick, but Hidan's hand tightened in my hair, and I was reminded he couldn't care less. I didn't want to find out what he'd do if he got impatient. Reluctantly, I opened my mouth, lips spreading around the head of Hidan's cock as he sunk it into my mouth. Without warning, he thrust his hips, forcing me to take at least half his length in one go. I gagged and reached up to push at Hidan's waist, but that did fuck-all to slow him. My stomach rolled as the head of his cock stuffed down my throat, testing the limits of my gag reflex.

He continued to thrust without a pause, rocking his hips into my mouth and feeding his cock down my throat inch by inch. Tears trickled down my cheeks, my eyes squeezed tight as I fought off my gag reflex, struggling to breathe and not to choke around the thick intrusion in my mouth. I could feel Hidan smirking down at me, but I didn't dare open my eyes to look. I listened as his breathing grew deeper, until he actually let out a quiet groan. I did risk a glance then, opening one teary eye to look up at Hidan. He had his head tilted back now, his lower lip caught between his teeth.

Drool dripped down my chin, Hidan's rhythm was getting sloppy and hard. I could feel my throat beginning to ache from the abuse it was enduring, and a salty taste that made me cringe had begun to coat my tongue every time I swallowed, something I noticed made Hidan's hips stutter every time. Within minutes, Hidan growled low in his chest, and a rush of warm liquid spilled into my mouth, making my cheeks puff out. I groaned, startled by the suddenness, and went to pull back to spit it out, but Hidan held me in place. My eyes went wide when I realized I was going to choke if he didn't let me go. Frantic, I swallowed every drop of what was in my mouth, a faint trickle leaking down my chin as my stomach grew heavy and restless.

"Good bitch," Hidan said, breathless. Finally, he let go, and I reared back to suck in a ragged gasp. I dragged the back of my hand across my mouth, retching faintly as I coughed, throat burning and jaw aching. My stomach churned, but at least I could breathe again. The taste in my mouth had me grimacing, but it was largely my revulsion to the act as a whole. I felt so degraded, humiliated, but furiously I wiped away my tears. They had come from the abuse to my throat, not fear—I was not broken like last time, I was not sobbing like last time. I was angry.

Hidan fixed himself back into his pants, watching me with nothing short of smug satisfaction. I couldn't muster anything more than a glare for a moment, as I struggled to catch my breath. "You're pathetic," I finally wheezed. Hidan's eyes narrowed. Oh, he hadn't expected that. "You…you don't even give me a chance. If you didn't have this collar on, I could fucking protect myself," I said, digging my fingers into the collar where it sat on my throat.

Hidan snorted. "You'd get yourself fucking killed, is what you'd do. Maybe shit would be easier if you fucking learned your place." He straightened, arms crossed. I was surprised when he didn't reach for me a second time. That sure didn't mean I was going to cut my losses.

"Fuck you," I snapped, standing up myself, shaky but sure. "I should accept what you say is my place? What the compound said? I'm a fucking person, too! You don't get to decide anything for me!" I got right in Hidan's face then, and although he didn't flinch a centimeter, it still felt good, even if I did have to lean up on my toes. "You're a monster, but so am I. You won't fucking break me."

I whipped away from Hidan then, fully expecting him to snatch me back every step I took to the bathroom. But, I shut the door, I leaned against the door, and Hidan never came. I bypassed that stranger in the mirror (we didn't talk to her) and reached the toilet, leaned over, and promptly vomited. It was a combination of the sex and raw terror, it had turned my stomach into a warzone. I had to empty myself, I had to get it out, get everything out.

Why the fuck did I say that? After what Hidan had just done, too? I really was going fucking crazy, practically inviting a death wish. But I couldn't stand it. Hidan wasn't my god, I didn't bow to anybody, and I'd be damned before I supplicated before him. He may have only bowed to one person, but either he was going to kill me, or it'd be him first. I didn't care what I had to do to accomplish it either. If I had to beg that god myself, I'd fucking snatch the pendant off Hidan's throat, and I would be coming for his head next. I rinsed my mouth out vigorously, fixed my hair, and stared into the mirror, despite just telling myself not to do that. The girl there was looking better. Still bruised, still pale, but when she smiled, it was sharp. _Good to have you back._

I didn't want her talking, though. None of that.

I left the bathroom to find an empty bedroom. That was a relief…I hoped. For all I knew, Hidan was out setting a trap for me and he was going to take me on a "walk" later. I felt skittish the whole time I headed out of the room. I had chores to finish though, and I wasn't about to dig myself a deeper hole. There was a strange comfort in my routine, anyway. It was so hard to get lost in your head when you were too busy with something menial and repetitive. In the kitchen, Deidara was standing with a redheaded man whom I'd only seen once or twice. Sasori was Deidara's partner, and although I wasn't familiar with him, I knew him to be quiet, if a little impatient. He was one of the few who didn't give me trouble, and in fact, I bet he was hardly even aware of my existence. As soon as I walked in, Deidara backed away a step from Sasori, clearing his throat. "You chased him out of the house, yeah," Deidara said, aiming a lopsided smile at me.

I paused, confused, before I understood he must've been referring to Hidan. "Oh yeah?" I asked, heading over to the sink. "He take his scythe?" Deidara nodded, and I figured Hidan must be out on another ritual. I wasn't sure how often a Jashinist needed to perform rituals, but Hidan seemed fond of them outside of it being religious, so I doubted all of these excursions were for the sake of Jashin, but as long as he was out, it mattered little to me. I'd asked him once if there was any system to how he found sacrifices. He'd simply scoffed and said if they were in his way, they were as good as gone, so I suppose Jashin wasn't a picky god either. Not that he could be, if he'd taken Hidan as a follower. I never went with him, so I never saw a ritual in action; I only saw the aftermath, when Hidan came home covered in gore. Pain was an integral part of the ritual, maybe more important than the death itself?

While I did the dishes, Tobi had wandered over, and he played with the bubbles that floated about the kitchen from the soap I was using. I grinned at his antics, feeling more at ease with the young man around. He was always a welcome distraction, and we all knew I couldn't get enough of those. As the day wore on however, I grew more and more antsy. Hidan had been gone for hours. It wasn't unusual, and in fact, he'd been gone for a couple days at a time when he was out on a mission. But this was no mission, he'd gone by himself. Rituals didn't tend to take so much time. I shoved the suspicions to the back of my mind. What Hidan did was none of my business, and damn sure none of my worry. If he got himself torn to shreds and was left nothing but a cursing head, that was fine by me. It would be too merciful for him, and I'd only be upset it wasn't me who'd done it.

It was well into the evening by the time I heard the familiar rumble of the base's entrance being used. I was already dressed for bed in one of Hidan's shirts; it was the only thing he'd given me to sleep in during the time I'd lived there. I figured it best not to complain, or I'd have even that luxury taken away. I was just finishing cleaning up after dinner, of which it had only been me and Tobi, and though I was starting to wonder if he stuck around me out of pity, I wasn't totally sure he could even think of such a thing, the poor thing was just too altruistic. I dusted my hands off as I rounded around the counter and through the entryway. "Don't tell me you brought that fucking weapon back all…" I was just on the verge of complaining about a potential mess, but something stopped me dead. Or rather, someone.

Hidan wasn't alone.

Behind him, there stood a woman. A good handful of years older than I was, with glossy, dark hair that hung loosely, reaching down past her shoulder blades. She was tall, slim, and clearly no shinobi. She looked delicate, a porcelain doll in the grasp of a kid about to throw it into a firepit, all unmarred skin that even the sun had never abused. She was…beautiful. My voice got stuck somewhere in my throat, and I had to cough to get it out. In my shock, I didn't notice Hidan, but he'd stepped aside and pointed towards the corridor that led to his room. The woman, with a final glance towards me, hurried off without a word, not a second's hesitation.

I took a step backwards. If there was a new girl, that meant…was Hidan done with me? Was this it, he was going to kill me, finally? Or was he sending me back? No, he wouldn't go through that formality, and I'd sooner die than go back, now. That was not a fight I was willing to lose. I looked up at Hidan as he turned to face me, cocking one silver brow. As if he was waiting on me to say something first.

"Who…who is she?" I asked, reaching for the wall to steady myself. If Hidan was going to come after me, I was going to run for it. I wasn't going to make it easy for him. I wasn't going to make it far either, but damn if I wasn't going to make the chase shitty on both of us.

Hidan only smirked. "Gettin' nervous, little red?" he asked, and the nickname made me blink, completely taken aback. Hidan slipped past me on his way to the kitchen, leaving me dumbstruck and, yes, more than a little nervous. If he wasn't going to kill me, I was still stuck—but so was that other girl. She had no idea what lay in store for her, and I didn't know how to prepare her. If I couldn't save myself, how could I save her? So many times before, I'd longed for a companion to share the misery or the work with, but not here, not with Hidan.

With a heavy heart, I trudged to Hidan's room. I opened the door to find the girl sitting on Hidan's bed, her slender legs folded up beside her. She turned towards the door, but the smile slipped off her face when she saw only me. I suddenly felt out of place. Which, of course, was ridiculous, because I'd never belonged here to begin with. I raised a hand in an uncomfortable greeting. "Uh, hello. My name is Amaya," I said, hoping to put the young woman at ease.

It seemed I needn't have worried. She cocked her head and glanced me up and down, and I felt like someone appraising me at an auction. She was like a cat studying a kill. "Nemuri," she replied a moment later. "What are you doing here?"

Yeah, I felt really out of place. I'd never had to worry about sharing this space with anyone but Hidan, but this one, she made it seem as if she was perfectly at home. I was worried about this poor girl, but now I was starting to worry about myself. She had no idea what she had just gotten into, I reminded myself. Perhaps she was standoffish to protect herself. I didn't know if she was asking what I was doing in the bedroom, or if she meant what I was doing in this place as a whole. "I…kind of live here," I answered, rubbing at my arm. "I was brought here by Hidan a few weeks ago."

At least, I thought it had been a few weeks. I was almost certain there had been at least two full moons since my arrival here. I watched as Nemuri's eyes narrowed; it was only a fraction, barely noticeable, but I didn't miss it. "Are you his girlfriend?" she asked, a lilt of an accent in her voice. The question rolled off her tongue, almost innocent, almost curious, but…not quite.

I almost laughed, cutting the sound off right before it bubbled out of my mouth. "I'm a slave, my girl. He brought me here from the eastern compound that borders on Ame," I explained, still wryly amused at her assumption. I knew I had to look more a slave than a girlfriend. This woman, I had to presume, was also a slave, despite not looking the part, that was why I assumed she'd know the place I was from. She was nothing like me, she was absolutely the type that people would fawn over, pine to own her beauty. Perhaps that was why Hidan had brought her. I was not good enough. I was not enough.

_Oh, is this what we're doing, now?_

I shook my head, dislodging the voice hardly before I'd heard it. Regardless of what Hidan thought, he was not my concern; the woman was. I didn't want her suffering any of the same things I had. If I could prevent it, I would try. Having at least one person on my side in this place had made all the difference, and I wanted the same for her. Looking up, I offered her an amicable smile. "Are you from the same compound?"

Nemuri scoffed, holding her head high. "I would never come from such a place. I was purchased, yes, but not from a filthy cage."

She never continued, and I didn't expect I'd get the rest of the story. I wasn't about to ask. She didn't seem all too keen to talk to me, and I was properly silenced by her cool words, taken aback by them. Maybe she would warm up, she was in a new place with new people, it was frightening, but that benefit of the doubt seemed a far reach when I saw the coolness reached her eyes. The door burst open suddenly, granting Hidan entry to the room. I wasn't fast enough to move, and Hidan never did care for things being in the way. He shoved me to the side, knocking me to the ground in a flurry of red hair and an angry grunt. "Bastard," I snapped, whipping my hair out of my face to scowl at the sneering man.

Nemuri looked down at me, appalled. I couldn't imagine she'd ever seen someone speak to their master so crassly. That, or perhaps she truly was surprised at Hidan's careless abuse. I couldn't know, she was too calm, too difficult to read.

Hidan glanced at Nemuri next, and I felt my heart jump to my throat when I realized she'd yet to get off the bed. I stood, prepared to jump between them should he try to punish her for the indiscretion she didn't even know about. Instead, he glanced at me, and without a word, disappeared to the bathroom. He didn't even order Nemuri to get off the bed. She curled up into the sheets, her hair spilling across the pillows like ink. I was still for a moment, before I sank back down into my corner near the bed.

I felt colder than I ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New note: N/A
> 
> Old note: Yeah Amaya seems angrier in this doesn't she? That might be me reflecting in her. Life is difficult at the moment. *Snorts* I sound proper. What I want to say is life is shitty. Whatever.
> 
> I've been pondering what to put in the story and bothering my sister with ideas and thought this tidbit would be interesting. Who doesn't like jealousy? And the girl seems Mary-sue in terms of appearance, but it's really just Amaya viewing herself as inadequate.
> 
> I want a vote going, who do you think will kill Nemuri first, Amaya or Hidan? Isn't she so different from Amaya; that's the whole idea. *Smirks*
> 
> I want you guys putting out ideas if you wanna see something in the story, just tell me.


	14. Chapter 14

_I'd like for you to think about something. What does it take to make you angry? What does it take to make you sad, to hurt you? What might the words regret or humiliation mean to you, how would you combat them? What might you feel if you had no control over your own life, if you were trapped in a cloud of confusion? What would you do if you lost control over your own head, your own heart? What might trigger certain feelings? Hatred, fear, perhaps even love? What would someone have to do for you to love them?_

_What if you didn't want to love them at all?_

I leaned my head between my arms as I knelt on the floor, a scrubbing brush still in my hands. My bones ached in protest as I creaked off the ground, satisfied enough with the job done, though for the moment those expectations were low. I'd slept wrong last night, and when I'd woken up, the right side of my body had been numb and stiff. The weather was getting cooler, and it was getting harder to stay warm while sleeping on an unforgiving ground. Yeah, cold stone would do that to you. I stood trying to rub feeling into my arm for a moment, sighing out a puff of air that blew my hair from my face. It didn't help that every time I went to the bedroom, exhausted from a tedious day and ready to go to sleep, Nemuri stared at me the entire time, a coy smile on her mouth. All the while she sat in Hidan's bed, the picture of a queen upon her throne, likely having hardly lifted a hand all day for anything more strenuous than feeding herself.

I hadn't been exactly content with my lot in life before, but ever since Nemuri had come, things had gotten a little… _less_ content. She didn't much care for me at all, and she didn't mind making that clear, having dismissed my attempts at companionship early on. I'd tried giving her time to warm up or to settle down, hoping she may open up, but I soon realized what I'd anticipated as a protective mask wasn't a front. I'd met people like her, of course I wasn't a little flower child who thought everyone was kind and gentle, but…a part of me did think that people who came from the same feather should flock together.

We knew each other better, we understood the things we went through, but Nemuri acted so differently, almost as if we'd lived completely different lives. It wasn't that she didn't trust me, though I'm sure she didn't, it was that she looked down on me, too. I did my best to avoid her and her occasional jabs, and considering she hardly left Hidan's room, it wasn't all that difficult. I still worried for her though, and I tried to make sure she stayed fed and such, worried Hidan might not look after her, but Nemuri often rebuffed my attempts. "Wouldn't want to end up looking like you," she had told me once.

It had been petty, but that stung a bit, perhaps I'd been a bit naïve in hoping we could be friends. It was like I'd thought about Konan upon my arrival here, what felt like ages ago. The third moon had already passed. I'd felt comforted by Konan's presence, feeling safety in the company of another woman; but that hadn't meant we would be friends. She was kind, gentle, but she had her duties and loyalties far above anyone else. Aside from Pein-sama, of course.

Nemuri, despite being both a woman and slave just like I was, was far from interested in camaraderie. Like I'd said, at first I'd simply believed her to be standoffish and nervous. She was in a strange place with a strange man, after all. As the days trickled past, it became clear she was anything but nervous. If anything, I almost believed her to be…happy. She hung off Hidan's shoulder, and I'd walked in on them more than once while they were caught up in…well. I'd left before either of them could notice me, not daring to interrupt.

It left an awful taste in my mouth.

Hidan treated Nemuri nothing like he had (and continued to) me. I'd watched them, I'd listened to them. she slept in the bed, she didn't flinch when he raised a hand to her, she didn't show an inkling of fear towards the bastard. When I really looked at her, I did notice she was bruised, but I suspected it was only from the sex. She certainly wasn't fighting him. In an odd way, Nemuri almost appeared to idolize Hidan. She clung to him, lay sprawled across the bed in wait of him. I watched, waiting with baited breath for the time Hidan might make a wrong move and I'd have to try and intervene. I would, I always would, I didn't care what Nemuri said or thought. That moment never did come. Nemuri was a slave at least at some point, I didn't doubt that, but she was far from treated like one.

What had I done wrong?

I shook my head to loosen that terrible and uninvited suspicion. I'd done nothing wrong, none of this was on me. Hidan couldn't stand anyone fighting back or standing up to him. Nemuri did none of that. She was ready and willing, beautiful and supplicant. She was nothing like me, of course Hidan would enjoy her. They were a match made in hell.

It had been a bit over a week since Nemuri had arrived here, maybe? In that time, I found myself trying to focus on my chores, my work, to just dive into the distraction, but I so often felt her eyes watching me. Her eyes, a dark pool of purple, reminded me of the glisten of poison. She made me feel small, like a bug she'd like to crush; it was hard not to stumble under the weight of so much…judgment. It grated on me a bit. Where I was from, people like you helped other people like you. You didn't leave them to work by themselves. If you finished your own chores, you helped someone else finish theirs. It was a sense of community and family, no matter how bizarre. Birds of a feather, or some such sentiment. Nemuri didn't possess such chimerical sentiments. She only watched, and I had the innate feeling she might be condescending me. Whether she was in the bedroom, or if she'd migrated elsewhere in the base on a rare day. She sat, she watched, she smiled.

She was so quiet, so calm.

Hidan hardly spoke to her, but it didn't seem to bother her. He spoke to me though, that was for sure. His occasional command or jab always made me roll my eyes, sometimes spout something off in turn. It had become a dynamic of sorts. I'd learned how to let it roll off me like water, until I caught Nemuri smirking one day, after Hidan had said a particularly scathing comment about me. It was becoming apparent she wanted to see me as low as I could fall, and suddenly the dynamic I had cautiously slipped into began to feel more and more like a trap, despite knowing Nemuri wasn't the real enemy here. I felt like she was trying to form a team of some sort with Hidan, and I feared what that might mean for me. Would she join in on Hidan's torment, or would he just get rid of me to focus on her, to make her happy? He had to have a reason for bringing her here, he didn't need both of us, did he?

Hidan didn't do anything to make anyone happy, I knew better than that. I hoped, at least.

Drained and aching, I decided to call it a day. It was sinking into late afternoon, anyway. I trudged from one of the backrooms as I headed back to my own shared one, itching for a shower to wash away the pins and needles in my right arm and leg. I was relieved to find the bedroom still in order, as I'd left it that morning. There was really no telling what I might walk into in there, when it came to Hidan. Was I surprised anymore? Not really. Was I annoyed? Very much so.

Nemuri was propped up in the bed, busy braiding her dark locks. She glanced up at me when I walked in, but I diverted my gaze soon after. I just didn't know how to talk to her, not when she either ignored me entirely or offered taciturn answers, it wasn't worth it. This time though, she seemed intent on starting a conversation. A smile rose onto her delicate features, but it was empty of sincerity. It was condescending and cold. "Have you finished cleaning?" she asked, her tone sticky and sugary.

I kept my head up as I walked to the dresser to rummage a bit for the shirts Hidan had set aside for me. He seldom ever wore any himself, most of them had ended up going to me. I wasn't even sure why he owned them. As for real clothes, Deidara and Konan had both gotten me some things to wear for the day. Hidan couldn't be bothered, for the most part. If I ever needed anything, it took a lot of arguing, and in the end he would only agree to shut me up, I bet. Otherwise, I relied on either the generosity of my few friends, or on my own resourcefulness. "For the day," I answered simply. "Some of us do have to work."

I couldn't help the slightly biting comment. Nemuri was very obviously not a labor slave, she was a pleasure slave. If she was a slave at all, anymore. Even before her stop here, I had to wonder if she'd been heavily favored beforehand. I could see why, and I wouldn't have been upset, had she not…well, if she didn't act like it, you know?

I picked up the shirt I wanted and pushed the drawer shut with a little more force than necessary. I felt like a wreck beside Nemuri. I was sweaty and grimy from a day of work, and my clothes were stained rusty-red in some spots. Some of it was actual rust, some of it was blood. I'd learned not to focus on it too much.

Nemuri narrowed her eyes as she watched me take the shirt. "Why do you snoop through his things so much?" she asked, surprising me enough that I gave pause. "Will he not get angry at a slave touching them?"

I took a deep breath, squaring my shoulders back as I turned to the side and leveled Nemuri with a hard look. She cocked her head. I shouldn't start a fight with her, I didn't want to go out of my way to turn us against each other, but I was fed up. I'd tried, I wanted the same effort back or I wasn't giving it anymore. "You aren't above me," I said, my voice steady despite the anger trembling in my lungs. "You and I, we aren't that different. I'm grateful that you get to live an easy life here, but I would appreciate you not trying to make mine harder."

"Oh, poor little pup," Nemuri murmured, resting her chin on her hand. I scowled.

"Look, you don't know me, and you sure as hell don't know him. All I can tell you is you'd best watch your back, and stop staring at mine while you lay around all day."

Nemuri examined her nails, tapping the thin claws against her palm. "Oh, I think I know him pretty well," she said, almost cooing. She glanced up at me with a faint smile. "He is excellent in bed, at least. He treats me very well, you know."

There was a pang in my chest that almost knocked me backwards. A violent thunder rolled across my body, bruising me beneath it as I shivered with the force. Her words had struck something within me, and flashes of imagery burst behind my eyelids, unbidden, unwanted. I shut my eyes and smiled tightly, my lips pressed together to perhaps block what really wanted to come spewing from my mouth, and in truth, it wasn't only vitriol for her. "Good. You can have him," I said, quiet and edgeless. The sight of her grinning at me was going to be burned into my memory.

This was a good thing, I told myself. If he had all of his attention on her, then perhaps he would leave me alone. He had her to satisfy himself with, and he wasn't hurting her—it was the best outcome I could've hoped for. But I couldn't shake the gnawing feeling eating away at me. He was sleeping with her, and she was claiming it to be an accomplishment. A good experience, even. She was proud, she was happy, and if she was, Hidan had to be, too. He had sought someone else. I never asked for this, for any of it, why had it happened this way? Why had I had to suffer, then? What was wrong with me? Why was Nemuri so treasured and I was so…so…

"Amaya!" Hidan's voice filtered in from the kitchen, and I stiffened, breaking my gaze away from where Nemuri had been holding it. I hadn't realized we'd been locked in that stare, but I was grateful now to escape it, despite the reason for it. I sighed in annoyance, tossing the shirt onto the bed as I stormed from the bedroom, while Nemuri giggled behind me all the while. On my way to the kitchen, I scrolled through a mental list of everything I might've done wrong to earn Hidan's ire. I mean, I'd kind of skipped out on laundry today, had someone complained? Was he just in a mood? When had I started this habit, anyway?

When I got to my destination, I let myself relax when I saw Hidan sitting at the counter. He just wanted me to cook. No one here had any set time for meals, I'd learned; they ate when they wanted, and if someone didn't feel like cooking, they called for me. It was an easy out, I reasoned, it was the purpose that kept me alive initially, and I had little else better to do. "It wouldn't kill you to just have an apple for a change," I grumbled as I set about preparing a simple meal of rice and pork. Hidan seldom wanted any vegetables or fruit included in his meals, that was why I'd teased him.

"It wouldn't kill you to learn how to cook a real meal, like a real woman," Hidan shot back, sneering at my affronted expression. I clacked the bowl down in front of him and crossed my arms.

"I'm far from a lady. If you wanted one of those, you should've—oh, wait," I said, with a cutting smile. "Be grateful I made you anything at all."

Hidan smirked, pointing his fork towards me. "Careful, bitch. You might find yourself sleeping outside." He arched a silver brow when I snorted. Hidan had already done that once, earlier in the month. It hadn't gotten too cold yet, but in my minimal dress, by the time he'd brought me inside, I didn't stop for shivering for hours after. Freezing to death was awful low on my list of ways to die.

"Careful I don't just poison that next time," I hissed back, glancing down at Hidan's food.

He grinned cattily. "It wouldn't kill me," he smugly retorted. I wanted to swipe the fucking bowl off the counter, along with that grin off Hidan's face.

"I'll find something that does," I snapped, turning away from Hidan to clean up the kitchen. Our banter had sharpened and grown over the past few months, morphing into…whatever this was. I still overstepped a boundary now and again, but I'd also give as good as I got. When Hidan raised a hand to me, I raised my own. Granted, he healed far faster than I did, so I was standing on unfair grounds, but fuck it, I'd just keep it up until I knocked him down onto my level.

The sound of soft footsteps made me glance up at Nemuri as she came into the room, a sudden shadow creeping into the light. I had to do a double take when I noticed not only Nemuri, but what she was wearing. It was the shirt—Hidan's shirt, the one I'd gotten out and had to throw aside. It covered even less of her than it did me, the bottom of the fabric teasing the tops of her thighs and making her bare legs look even longer.

I swallowed dryly. She looked…stunning, even in something as simple as an oversized shirt. It swallowed her whole, hanging off of one shoulder and baring her milky skin, mottled only by purpled bruises. Nemuri shot me a sly smile, and I felt my face heat up in anger. Did she…did she think this was a game? I was only trying to survive the fucking thing, not play it, I just didn't have a choice. I had Hidan in front of me, and now I had this girl behind me. I had nowhere to move, my pawn was trapped.

Hidan shot a sideways glance at Nemuri, only to pause and take a longer look at her. I turned back away, my knuckles white on the countertop as I struggled to swallow my humiliation. She made me feel so fucking insignificant, and her help wasn't even needed there. I didn't want to be a part of this, I wasn't going to be an idle pawn anymore. I tossed a rag aside to leave the kitchen, right when I heard Hidan speak. "What the fuck are you doing in my clothes?" he asked.

I was lucky I was turned away, because my mouth dropped in surprise hearing such an accusatory question when he'd scarcely raised his voice to her, at least that I'd heard. At worst, he snapped at her a bit, if she seemed to be testing his patience, but she certainly made up for that. If I were Hidan, I would've been purring at the sight of Nemuri. Yes, she was breathtaking, but her personality kept me from feeling much else. I listened as Nemuri answered, her voice silky smooth.

"I thought I'd put on something a little different, a little more…" Nemuri trailed off, but I heard the fabric rustle. I risked a glance over my shoulder, watching the scene unfold. It didn't appear either of them remembered I was even there. I wasn't sure I wanted them to, but something held me in place, a niggling sense of dread that kept me from leaving. The tension in the room was rising fast, I could see it in the way Hidan straightened in his seat, shoulders tightening. Nemur's smile never faltered.

"I didn't tell you that you could go through my shit," Hidan said, his voice hardening, and I stiffened, wary of the temper I knew could boil right beneath the surface, completely invisible until it spilled over. But I was all too familiar with Hidan, by then. I could read him like a book and I hadn't even realized, not until right then when I needed it for someone else. Nemuri had no idea, and I couldn't let it sit on my conscience. A voice in the back of my head chided me for it, but I had to jump in. I stepped forward, drawing Hidan's gaze towards me.

"No, it was me. I set the shirt on the bed before you called me," I explained, swiping the bowl away from Hidan and turning around to wash it in an attempt to keep the situation moving; if it got stagnant, tempers would simmer still, and my efforts to diffuse Hidan might be for nothing. "She didn't go through a thing."

The room was silent for a moment, aside from running water. Finally, Hidan broke it, standing up. "Put it back," he told Nemuri, short and simple.

My eyes widened a bit, but that was nothing compared to my surprise when I heard Nemuri huff reproachfully. From what I saw, she'd never once gone against Hidan. "Why does she get to wear it and not me?" Nemuri asked, and I could feel her gaze piercing through my back.

I turned around to scowl at her, annoyed that I'd tried to help her out only for her to turn on me and drag me deeper into the fray. Hidan cut me a look, so brief I almost missed it, but I swear I caught the fleeting flash of fuchsia. By the time I glanced at him, he was looking down at Nemuri, squinting in annoyance. "It doesn't fucking matter. Stop asking me fucking questions and do what the fuck I told you."

It surprised me that even an angel couldn't escape a demon's wrath, no matter her salacious magic. Nemuri turned on me then, shooting me a hateful look so scathing it could have burnt a hole in my clothes. Something in me snapped suddenly, so fed up with how she was treating me, how she was acting, I just lost it. I'd tried to fucking save her, I'd done nothing but help her, I wasn't going to let one more person treat me like I was nothing! "Stop fucking looking at me like that!" I seethed, only stopping myself from snarling by a fraction.

Nemuri whirled on me then, storming towards me with her arm poised to strike. "Don't you ever tell me what to do, you slavery whore!"

It had happened so fast, I hardly remembered doing it. One moment Nemuri was reaching for me, lashing out. The next, she was bent over, clutching at her cheek, and the back of my hand was stinging. I'd struck her. How dare she, she didn't have any fucking room to talk to me like that, to treat me what way she'd been treating me. I hadn't done anything wrong, I hadn't done a fucking thing to deserve it—any of it! We were from the same vine, grown from the same soil, she didn't get to suffocate me in her lunge for the sunlight. I rubbed at my hand while Nemuri straightened, tears and rage alike glittering in her dark eyes.

Fingers wrapped around my wrist then, jerking me to the side as Hidan stormed off with me in tow. I didn't have a choice but to follow, unless I wanted to fall and let him drag me. We already knew he'd have no qualms doing that. We reached the bedroom and he slung me inside, folding his arms as he looked down on me, sneering. "Finally out to prove how much of a fucking dog you are, huh? Attacking someone when they bark a little?"

I sprung off the floor like a shot. "Don't give me that shit," I argued, pointing at the door. "I get enough hell from you, but then to have her come in here like she owns the place, like she owns me? I don't fucking think so!" There was no fucking way Hidan was going to stand there like everything was my fault. She had come at me, I'd never put a hand on her otherwise!

Hidan reached out and grabbed ahold of my face, squeezing bruises onto my jaw as he held fast. "Watch your mouth," he grit out, backing me towards the bed. He released my face with a shove that sent me stumbling back onto the mattress. Despite my earlier complaint, I'd not meant that I'd wanted to take Nemuri's place in the bed. This was her place, when she wanted it, this…this wasn't my place, not when Hidan fucking wanted, not unless I fucking said so, not unless I was making the choice. No one fucking else was going to make my choices for me anymore.

Hidan descended on me, eclipsing me as he shoved my arms to the side before I got the chance to push away at him. For all the good it always seemed to do, anyway. "Fuck you," I spat, even as I regretted ever opening my stupid mouth at all. I'd sooner bite my own tongue off than bite my words back.

"Big words, little red," Hidan had leaned low, whispering the words against my ear. A shudder raced down my back, prompting me to arch a little. "Better shut your fuckin' mouth."

"Or what?" I asked, challenging him even as my heart starting to beat in my ears. What else could Hidan do that we hadn't already? We'd clawed and bit at each other; he'd tried to take everything away from me. My pride, my dignity, my body, my freedom. What else could he possibly take from me? He couldn't, it wasn't his to take or to keep, it was mine. My heart was hammering in my ears, deafening me to even my own thoughts…perhaps a blessing.

I felt Hidan's smirk against my throat, I didn't need to see it for it to chill me to the bone. "I'm starting to think you fucking like this," he said, sneaking a hand beneath my shirt and up the quivering planes of my belly. I locked my jaw and turned my face to the side.

"You could stand to be a little better at it," I muttered, clinging to sarcasm before fear took its place. It had hurt, last time. I had bled, last time. I didn't want this, I told myself, but a tiny, jittering piece inside me, was perhaps slightly curious. Slightly, barely at all. _Could it be different?_ Was it something different, was he someone different for Nemuri? I deserved the same experience, I deserved when to say and when to take. This wasn't fucking about Hidan, okay? It was about me. "Get off," I said, without much bite. It would only be wasting energy that I could use to make it through this.

True to my expectation, Hidan only chuckled. "No," he said, a teasing lilt making the word pitch inside me. I grit my teeth when one of Hidan's rough hands cupped my breast, his thumb finding my nipple and rubbing insistent circles over it. My mouth opened in another protest, only for my voice to launch out in a yelp when Hidan ripped my shirt straight up the middle. He could actually undress me without shredding all of my fucking clothes, not sure if he was aware or not.

Taking the scrap of cloth, Hidan got my arms behind me and tied them there, making my back arch in a way that jutted my chest out. My face flushed cerise, and I could practically taste my heart beating in my throat. "Not so tough now, are we?" Hidan sneered, mocking me. I shut my eyes and turned my face to the side. It was about me, it was for me, this was me. It was a test, Hidan was a test, I…

"Shut up—why don't you get Nemuri? She seems more than happy to," I seethed, only to realize right after how that might sound…jealous.

Hidan paused for a moment, his eyes glancing down my body before he leaned over me. I shuddered when Hidan's mouth met my neck, his lips moving against my skin as he spoke. "She isn't nearly as exciting."

Something hot poured down into my chest, spilling down my body in rivulets and filling me with shudders; something vicious, almost violent, I was brimming with it. I felt Hidan smirk against my throat before he bit down, sinking his teeth into my flesh just above my fluttering pulse. I opened my mouth, a breathless sound spilling past my lips as a hot flash rocketed down my back, straight into my belly. I could feel blood bloom from the bite, and Hidan's tongue lapped across the patch of skin, prompting a shiver. He smoothed his palm down my stomach and to the hem of my shorts, working them down my hips along with my underwear, ever impatient, ever an animal. I growled a faint protest, but Hidan nipped at my throat again, quieting my arguments.

Hidan hummed low in his chest, apparently satisfied I'd fallen still for a moment. He pulled back up to my chest, his breath fanning across one of my breasts. I held my own breath, shutting my eyes when Hidan opened his mouth and laved his tongue over my nipple. The pink nubs had hardened, pert atop my breasts and quite sensitive, I found. I struggled a bit, my face flaming, but Hidan's teeth scraped against my nipple in warning, making me flinch. The tingles were sharp, hot, and I feared the simmering inside me would soon come to a boil. He chuckled and proceeded to bite me anyway, making me yelp in a matter of shock and pain.

"Bastard," I hissed, chest heaving as Hidan pulled away from my tender nipple. I made a point not to look at Hidan as he shucked off his own clothes. Hidan grasped my thighs and spread them apart, making me stiffen in bitter anticipation. Instead, he paused for a moment, sliding one hand down my inner thigh and making the muscles quiver beneath his fingertips. He reached my sex and skimmed his fingers against the outer lips, a glint flashing in his eyes. I couldn't seem to tear my gaze away from his face.

"It doesn't take much to turn you on, does it, slut?" Hidan murmured, teasing at my entrance. I groaned, frustrated. No matter how nervous, how anxious, my body seemed intent on betraying me. Only my body, had to be, I would make it be. My breath caught in my chest when Hidan sunk two fingers into my slick entrance, stroking them in and out a few times and making my breath hitch every time. It was…far from painful, but it was strange, different. I was still tense, but I willed my inner muscles not to stiffen, and as I loosened, it grew less…ah, unpleasant. Under me, my hands clung at the sheets.

Hidan pulled away and grabbed me by the waist, twisting my hips to flip me over. I huffed out in annoyance as I pushed myself up onto my knees, my shoulders straining in protest without the use of my arms. Hidan cracked a hand against the side of my thigh, making me jump as hot pain seared across my skin. He leaned over my body, pressing his chest against me as he adjusted himself. Hot skin against skin, strong muscle against plush flesh.

I sunk my teeth into my lip when I felt Hidan's cock rub against my entrance. I couldn't stifle a whimper when he rocked his hips forward, thrusting his cock into me in a single push. I did not scream, and after the initial second, I realized I didn't have to. Little shocks of pain reverberated through me, but it was nothing compared to the first time. I shut my eyes and sucked in a trembling breath, resting my cheek against the sheets, the coolness seeping into my flushed skin. Above me, a quiet groan rumbled in Hidan's chest, undeniably pleasured, drawing a shiver from me. Hidan was still for only a moment, though it was a moment longer than I'd anticipated.

Once he started to move, though, he didn't hold back. I grit my teeth to lock back my voice, unwilling to give him that satisfaction even as his hips bounced off mine. I dug my nails into my palms as I struggled to distract myself from the thick, hot friction inside of me. The slide was so much easier, and my body wasn't struggling so much to accept him into me. It was so different than the first time—why was it so different? What had happened—was it him, was it me? Which was worse?

Why was it worse when it was better?

Was it?

Hidan squeezed my hip where he was holding me, using the grip to pull me back against him when he thrust forward, allowing me to feel every inch sink as deep as he could get. His other hand rested on the bed, and I could see his fingers curling into the sheets. My mouth fell open as I started to pant, my entire body felt so hot, like every inch of my skin was aflush. Hidan moved into me hard, and I was certain I'd bruise again, but where I was searching for pain, I found only faint twinges. Even that distant ache didn't detract from the warmth burgeoning in my belly, blooming like a flame with each passing minute. I started to stiffen, a groan of protest bubbling from my mouth. There was never a boil, it was an inferno.

"You gonna come for me, bitch?" Hidan purred against my neck suddenly, his voice raspy and breathless. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to fight off the cresting wave, but it did me no good. I was rising fast, that molten violence from earlier spreading and growing, it had filled my body and my head until there was nothing left but the smoke. It was like an electric shock rolling over my body, a distant memory gripping me as it crackled, making me shudder and whimper as I finally peaked. My muscles quivered, and try as I might, I couldn't hold back my voice as a startled cry spilled from my lips. Hidan didn't stop, forcing me to ride out the aftershocks with trembling muscles and pulling sharp sounds out of my quaking lungs.

My orgasm did Hidan in soon, too. I felt him smirk against my throat before his hips started to shudder, and I winced when I felt that familiar warm splash inside of me. I continued to tremble, barely biting back a whine as Hidan withdrew from me and let me roll over onto my side. I didn't have the energy to hold myself upright anymore. My bones had melted, my mind was static, and for now, I was fine with that. I was fine with not hearing my own thoughts, or even worse. "Good girl," Hidan rumbled, delivering a nip to my ear before he pulled away.

Shame and embarrassment frothed inside my chest. I kept my eyes closed, refusing to face Hidan as I listened to him dress. After a pause, I felt the cloth loosen and I brought my arms around my chest, hugging myself as I curled into a tighter ball amongst the blankets; it couldn't hide me, it couldn't take anything back, and still I did it. Grasping at straws was still an effort made, if you asked me. Hidan didn't say anything else, to my relief, before taking his leave. Of course, that left room for my own voice to fill the void.

What was the matter with me? I'd hardly even put up a fight at all that time, and the entire time I'd…I'd…almost enjoyed it.

Almost? Maybe.

Wrong? Was I? No, he was—but I was.

It had been nothing like the first time, but was I supposed to just forget the first time? Was I supposed to ignore everything Hidan did to me in favor of a few minutes of something good? Hidan certainly hadn't changed, but, then why…had I changed?

Was I changing?

Was he?

My mind was echoing, loud and rattling. I could not hear, I would not hear.

I ripped myself from the blankets (almost tripping myself in the process) and stormed to the dresser, fetching fresh clothes so that I could finally take a shower. I felt something sticky dipping between my legs, and I took a shuddering breath. The shower I took was hot, too hot, and it left my skin red. I scrubbed my body and my hair, trying to hide myself underneath suds so I wouldn't have to stare down at myself. I didn't know that body, I didn't know that mind, I didn't know that choice. By the time I left, the water was cooling, and I reminded myself I didn't need to make a habit out of that.

While drying myself, I noticed a vivid bite mark on my neck, and I reached up to trace my fingers against it. Tingles of pain flickered across it when I pressed down too hard, making me shut my eyes, focusing on the feeling for a few seconds too long. I was a bit sore, but nothing that would impede me, only enough to remind me. After dressing, I went to brush my hair, and I saw it had grown a little. I hadn't even noticed; it was hardly detectable, but when I brushed through it with my fingers, the red tresses fell a little past my jawline, now. I really had been here for a while.

Heaving a sigh, I hurried out of the bathroom to change the sheets on the bed. It was getting late, and I didn't want either Hidan or Nemuri coming back to a bed that was…a mess. God knew what Nemuri would have to say about it. I'd all but forgotten her. After making the bed, I gathered the dirty sheets up to take them down to the washroom. Not that I was that ambitious, I put them aside, deciding it was too late to bother with tonight. I could just get to it in the morning.

I could just get to it tomorrow.

On my way back, I felt a chill wash over me, making me shiver as goosebumps rose across my arms. I rubbed at them to chase away the chill, and glanced around me for a moment, unable to shake the feeling that someone was watching me. The shadows got to you, or perhaps in a place like this, it really was old ghosts. After a moment, I deemed it nothing but paranoia, and turned around to head to bed. As I passed by one of the doors though, a door that led to one of the many vacant rooms down below, it flung open and an arm shot out.

"Ah!" I yelped in surprise as a cold hand with sharp nails snatched my wrist, yanking me into the empty room. I lost my balance and landed hard, knocking the wind out of me. Curling an arm around my throbbing ribs, I pushed myself up and turned around, a scathing complaint on my lips without a single idea of who could've thought this was a funny idea. Looking up, my eyes met those of a deep purple, like pools of poison.

Poison.

"Nemuri?" I asked, astounded. I had no idea she even knew how to get down here. When had she explored this far? "What are you—" I stood, or at least, tried my best to stand. Nemuri suddenly kicked me in the stomach, knocking me onto my back with a ragged gasp. Fuck, I hadn't caught that breath back, yet. I coughed, my eyes wide as I looked up at her. Anger swelled in my chest alongside shock. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Nemuri leaned over me, her eyes gleaming with a hate so bitter I could almost taste it. She reached out and grabbed a handful of my hair before standing up, unfortunately dragging me along with her. I reached to claw at her hands even as she shoved me back into the wall. If I had the breath knocked out of me one more time, I was never going to catch it. What the fuck was her problem, what did she want? Had she followed me down here? I wheezed, my head spinning so fast that my vision was turning into nothing but a blur.

I tried to shove Nemuri away, but with the collar suppressing my ability, my strength, I was hardly a match for her. She was bigger than I was, she was far from as drained as I was, and she was incredibly pissed off. I'd never once been intimidated by Nemuri, but standing before her now, with no way to defend myself, and seeing the raw hate in her gaze, I was starting to be.

This was really not a very good day.

"You're a little whore, aren't you?" Nemuri hissed, leaning in close to my face. "And you're proud of it, too." She was sneering, an expression that didn't flatter her.

I didn't care for either of those statements. "Have you lost your mind?!" I snapped, "I don't know what you're talking about! Get the fuck off—"

Nemuri punched me, her fist colliding with my cheek and making my teeth clack together painfully. It also shut me up, but I was more worried about the former issue when I began to taste blood. "I saw you, I saw you with him," Nemuri said, her voice softening, somehow that made it sound even sharper. "You fight and pretend you don't want him, but you do. You're nothing but a slave whore! You lied to me!"

Nemuri was shouting now. I shook my head side to side frantically, fighting to wrest myself from her grip. If I could at least get the door open, maybe someone could hear. "I…I'm not, you're crazy!" I said, growing breathless as panic began to fill up my lungs. She was so, so angry, unstable almost, and I was the only source for her to take it out on. "He had me tied up, I didn't…I told him no!"

I had, hadn't I?

Now wasn't the time for my own crisis, she was trying to kill me, and if I didn't do something soon, she just might. "You can fucking have him! I'm not like you, I'm not going to worship someone who bought you like a dog and treats you even worse!" Hidan was a monster, he was crazy, he was…

"He's mine," she hissed, and she reached for her waist. What she pulled out made me freeze. I couldn't tell if my heart was beating too fast to feel, or if it had stopped altogether. In her hands was a long silver dagger. She must have stolen it from Hidan, and though the weight of it was clumsy in Nemuri's hands, it wasn't unconfident. She knew what she wanted to do with it. The silver glint of the blade held all of my attention as she raised it up, grazing it against my cheek. I swallowed, looking up at her, but I didn't find an ounce of hesitation in her eyes. All of this, just to die by a blade? It wasn't even in Hidan's fucking hands, either.

"Hidan is why I'm not still rolling around in that shithole. Hidan gave me this freedom, and I won't let you take him away, you filthy mutt," Nemuri whispered, grabbing ahold of my jaw. With surprising strength, Nemuri shoved me to the floor. She dropped onto my waist and straddled me, and I began to scream, thrashing underneath her with every drop of strength I had.

Nemuri wrapped a hand around my throat and slammed my head into the ground. My vision blacked and grew blurry, pain pounding through my skull as I lay dazed. It gave Nemuri just the chance she needed. I shrieked when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, dragging down in a line of fire.

"Let's see if he still wants you when you're scarred."

* * *

I was getting fed up with that fucking whore. I'd picked her up from one of the heathens Kakuzu went to when he needed to drop off a bounty; she'd been a servant for him I think, she'd been on her knees scrubbing the floor when I first saw her. When she looked up at me, all coy fucking smiles and batting eyelashes, I knew she'd be fucking easy. Too fucking easy, this one wasn't going to be a fucking pain. The bastard at the joint had all but thrown her away to me, I'd hardly fucking wanted her but he was fucking desperate to get rid of a few, said he couldn't take care of them anymore. It wasn't like she was going to do any harm; besides, it'd be a change of pace from little red, who always put up a fight.

I remembered first seeing them together, when they met each other. They were as different as night and day. Amaya's fucking face when she'd looked at me was like I'd brought home a fucking corpse, like she was just dying to ask me "What the fuck is she doing here?"

I was curious to see how they'd react to each other, but I hadn't exactly thought they'd be best fucking friends. True to that, the other girl couldn't seem to stand Amaya. Amaya had gotten a bit more standoffish too, but I was willing to bet fucking money that it wasn't for the same reasons as the other girl. Her name started with an N, I was fucking certain—Nema, Nemuri? I couldn't fucking care less. Ever since she'd gotten here, she'd been acting like a fucking princess. Going where she wanted, doing what she pleased, acting like she was the fucking shit like I hadn't picked her up out of a hole in the shit-wall.

I'd actually only let the bitch in the bed to piss off Amaya, and I think it'd worked. It was hard to tell, Amaya had such a short fucking fuse to light, and it seemed to always be lit in the first place, the brat fucking ran on smoke. Giving Nemuri a bit more free reign had definitely pissed her off though, and I'd also heard the slut talking down to Amaya, too. I think they only fucking spoke to each other when they thought I wasn't around. Amaya wasn't as sly as she thought, and the other bitch sure wasn't. Amaya never complained about it, not until today. Even she thought she wasn't fucking jealous. As if she had any fucking reason to be.

I was bored already of that new bitch, and she hadn't even been there two weeks. She might've been a looker, but she had the personality of fucking dirt. Nothing but meek, quiet obedience, constantly seeking out attention. I couldn't fucking keep her hands off me. She would look at me and bat those fucking eyes at me, nothing but dark puddles of clotted poison. She only acted the way she thought I fucking wanted, she did everything she thought she could to make me happy. I didn't want a bitch who got down on her knees after one fucking look. I didn't want a Jashin-damn ragdoll like this one.

There was no fire, no fight, no anything. Anything I said to her, she would only look at me with this fucking pout on her lips, desperate to make me happy, make me want her. If I said one fucking thing wrong to little red, she was flying off the handle before I'd even shut my fucking mouth. She hadn't stopped fighting me since we locked eyes. No matter what I did, what I said; you knocked her one step down, she'd take two steps up. Amaya was fucking impossible. I had never met someone like her.

Nemuri seemed fucking hellbent on being like her, though. Or at least, replacing her. Earlier when she'd tried to take my fucking shirt, I wanted to knock that fucking smile off her face, and then she'd had the balls to fucking argue with me. Why can Amaya do this, and not me? Why could Amaya wear it, not me? Because she looked fucking good in it, that's why.

Look, I didn't really know why I'd brought that fucking bitch here. Amaya had been driving me fucking crazy, and I thought if I could just get something new, it would fix everything. It hadn't done fucking anything. I couldn't get the dog out of my head, and now I was regretting ever picking up the new whore. All it'd done was fucking complicate what was already a shitty ass mess that never should've been a mess to begin with. I'd been considering getting rid of her, it _was_ funny watching her piss off Amaya, but it was starting to piss me off, too. Watching Amaya snap on her earlier had been a little fucking worth it. Maybe it'd teach Nemuri to keep her big fucking mouth shut, and seeing Amaya stand her ground made up for the fucking bullshit that spewed out of the other harlot's mouth. Nemuri sure as shit didn't think it'd be Amaya who told her to shut the fuck up for once.

I flipped on the light switch in my room and let my scythe drop to the side, where it clanked on the ground. I expected Amaya, or perhaps the other one, to jump in surprise—Amaya fucking hated loud noises, I couldn't set a fucking glass down without her flinching—but no one else was in the room. I narrowed my eyes as I glanced around. It was late, where the fuck could they be? The slut was always in bed waiting on me.

I stormed out of the room and headed to the medical wing. If Amaya was anywhere, she'd be with Pein's fucking lover. It was always either her or that fucking terrorist, but Deidara had been sent out early that morning. I stormed into the room without knocking. "Oi, have you seen…" I trailed off at the sight.

Amaya sat atop one of the shitty cots, and when she heard my voice, she straightened and turned to look at me. Blood dripped down one of her eyes. The shirt she had on was torn and stained with blood, and when I glanced her over, she was littered with cuts and bruises, all varying in severity but none too deep. Most of the bruises were on her arms and throat, like someone had tried holding her down. She was a fucking mess, she looked like she'd gotten into a fight with a wolf, the irony of which didn't escape me.

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked, almost snapping. I doubted anyone here would've done that to her, knowing she was mine. She stayed the fuck out of everyone else's way. No one would have the Jashin-damn balls. Konan leaned over Amaya and began to wash the blood off her face, all while the dog stayed unusually quiet. Konan cut a glance at me though, but as always, she was fucking unreadable. After a moment, when it became apparent Amaya wasn't going to open her Jashin-damn mouth, Konan did the work for her.

"Tobi heard some unusual noise in the lower region of the base," Konan explained, though most of her focus was on Amaya. "When he went to investigate, he caught Nemuri hurrying up the stairs. Curious as to what she'd been doing, he went into the room she'd come out from and found Amaya like this."

Her words echoed in my head for a moment before something in me came completely fucking undone. Amaya wasn't even fucking looking at me by the time I'd turned and left the room, storming towards my own. That fucking piece of shit had no fucking right to touch what belonged to me. I threw the door open with a slam, and watched as Nemuri bolted upright in the bed, where she was lounging in wait. I watched as her shock melted into a serene smile, and she held out a hand towards me. "What's wrong?" she asked, voice soft. "Was it the girl, again? She won't bother us tonight. You can forget about her for a while…come to bed."

My simmering rage came to a boil. Did she really fucking think she was going to get on my good side with this? I ripped her from the bed, eliciting a shriek as I dragged her by the hair. Her squirming did about as much fucking good as a rabbit trying to free itself from hungry jaws. She'd outstayed her fucking welcome, and if she thought she was here to stay, here to beat out someone else, the cunt had another fucking thing coming. I took her outside, ignoring her pleas and bargaining, of which was getting more desperate the farther out into the forest I took her. By the time I came to a stop, the bitch was fucking sobbing, nearly hysterical. "You don't have to do this!" she cried.

I snatched her by her pretty little neck and shoved her up against a tree, sneering down into her terror stricken face.

"I told you not to touch what was mine, bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New note: When I was thirteen, I did not know about Stockholm Syndrome, but oh-ho, now I do, boy oh boy.
> 
> Old note: I'm mildly surprised most of you though Amaya would kill her, though amused as well. I was going to end up with her doing it, but wasn't happy with the idea because that's really not in her nature unless she's in real danger. And so, the best friend and beta and gave me an idea, and this is the result. I asked my sister's opinion on it; she liked it as well, so here's this. While I knew it showed Amaya was jealous of Nemuri, I couldn't find a way to show Hidan's slowly growing feeling towards her, so this is how we thought it could work. "We." I have a writing team, apparently.
> 
> And like I told Sassy-chan, we can just say Hidan doesn't like those touching what's his.
> 
> *- Amaya does have a split personality disorder that we'll get deeper into. You might have caught bits of it already.
> 
> *- Yes I am implying Pein and Konan are together.


	15. Chapter 15

When I reached to rub at my forehead, I could feel the scar beneath my fingertips. It ran from just above my eyebrow to the top of my cheek, over my left eye. I was lucky she'd missed my eyeball, because blindness had quickly risen to one of my worst fears. A few steps below death, which I may also have only narrowly missed, as well. Nemuri had been so full of hatred when she attacked me, I wasn't even sure what kept her from actually killing me, but perhaps it was her hunger to watch me suffer. She didn't quite want to get rid of me so much as punish me, and I supposed that's what held her back just enough. Before she had left, she had said to me that she doubted Hidan would ever want to touch me again. It had left me with something heavy in my chest, but I couldn't pinpoint what the feeling was or what it was tied to. Perhaps it was fear, anger, sorrow, or a mix of all three. After all, if I was scarred and hurt, I might not be worth keeping around.

Was that what scared me so much, dying or being sold again? Or was it something else?

I'd never told Konan what had happened, Tobi had, when he'd come bursting into the room and gathered me off the floor, holding me like he was afraid I might break. I'd been a bit dizzy and nauseous from blood loss by then, Nemuri had done a number on me. Without Tobi, it might've taken me a long time to gather myself enough to move at all. I'd been anxious about Nemuri's blatant inexperience, worried her hand might slip and she'd kill me without even meaning to, it'd been obvious she had no idea how to handle a weapon. Her only goal was to mar me, to hurt me, and she'd succeeded. The cuts stung, the bruises ached, but I had survived much worse these past months. I wasn't afraid of a little blood, a little pain, or a little girl. Nemuri's rage had frightened me, though. Her rage and her jealousy, all over things I didn't understand.

I'd never thought Nemuri was going to be dangerous, I'd never deemed her as a threat. But it was apparent she'd deemed _me_ the threat. It was a ridiculous fucking idea, for her to think I was trying to stand in her way. She could have him for all I cared, but she wasn't going to know what to do with him. Hidan took time, he took work, he was something dangerous and wild and Nemuri was too fragile for all of that. Both for herself and for Hidan. She'd break when she saw the real him.

I rolled over and buried my face against the sheets, hiding away from the thoughts that had been plaguing me for days now. A pit of worry had opened inside me, now gnawed into a crevasse that I was too afraid to look into. I didn't want to find anything. I didn't want to look too deep inside myself. I was just fine with the way things were. Nothing had to change, no one had to change.

Taking a deep breath, the familiar, woodsy scent entered my chest and made me shudder. The bed smelled just like him. I never would have climbed into this bed on my own, but Tobi, when he'd carried me back to the room, had set me in the bed instead of on the ground. Of course he had, why would he assume Hidan kept me on the floor like a flea-ridden mutt? I'd been too hopped up on painkillers and adrenaline to walk straight, and I was too far gone to bother asking Tobi to move me. I'd simply curled up in the sheets, more comfortable than I'd been in ages. It wasn't going to last, of that I was certain, but perhaps I could bask in it…just for a little while?

Konan had done her best with the wounds Nemuri had left, but a couple had been so deep they'd left an impression. Konan had offered to continue healing them until they faded, but I declined; I had no reason for her to waste her chakra like that as long as nothing was bleeding anymore, and I didn't mind the scarring. The one across my left eye, and there was one on my torso, carved just above my hip. I found myself running my fingers over them both, and felt something simmering in my belly.

I jumped when the door burst open, the slam echoing throughout the entire room. Fuck, I'd waited too long, they were back and they were both probably going to throw a giant fit upon seeing me in the bed. I wasn't in the mood, my head was still swimming, maybe from adrenaline, maybe from morphine. I sat up, an apology on my lips, only for it to trail off at the sight. My eyes went wide as I glanced Hidan up and down, drinking in the gruesome appearance. He was splattered with blood, across his face and chest, and it covered his hands. I was getting used to the sight, unfortunately, but it never failed to make my breath catch in my chest at first. He looked like a one man army.

Upon closer inspection, it didn't look like Hidan was even hurt…the blood might not have been his. I glanced behind him, expecting to catch Nemuri hanging off one of Hidan's arms like the prize winning pet she was. I was surprised to find no sight of her. Hidan tossed one of his pikes to the floor and stripped off his cloak, using it to wipe the blood from his face. When he glanced my direction, he paused, and a smirk wove across his expression, making his eyes gleam. Anxiety dropped into my chest as I began to connect the dots, all in a pretty trail of crimson.

Swallowing, I moved to the edge of the bed. "Where's Nemuri?" I asked, aiming to sound steady and probably making a spectacular miss. It wasn't too suspicious of a question—it could have easily been chalked up to me being nervous about being around her. She'd taken that knife with her, after all.

Hidan laughed, macabre amusement echoing off the stone walls. "That bitch? She's in a few places, actually," he said, sharp smile in place and filled with sadism. I went impossibly still as Hidan walked away to the bathroom, my stomach roiling inside me like a rogue wave. Out of nowhere, just like that? She was dead, he'd killed her so suddenly, so... Why had he done it, I'd thought he'd gotten her to replace me? He had shown her so much favor, she was everything I wasn't, he never let me forget it. Had she finally said the wrong thing? No, no that couldn't be it, not when I said the wrong thing every other conversation and he'd yet to kill me.

…Surely he hadn't killed her because of me, right?

That unbidden thought made me cover my mouth as if I'd said it aloud. Hidan wouldn't, not because of me. In fact, I'd almost expected him to praise Nemuri for the attack. Looking back, though, Hidan had always seemed to scowl when Nemuri was too close. Maybe she really had just overstepped a boundary? That…that made more sense. Anything made more sense than the idea he would get rid of her for someone like me. Any day now, I was going to be next, it was just a surprise she had gone first…that was all.

"How's your fucking eye?" Hidan asked suddenly, completely sneaking up on me. I snapped my head up to look at him, startled by the question. He'd taken a seat on the bed, the blood washed from his skin now. Damn, I was really out of it if I couldn't hear Hidan of all people coming towards me.

Reaching up to gently touch the scar again, I shrugged. "It's fine, she missed the actual eye," I said. "She wasn't very practiced with that knife."

Hidan snorted. After a few months, I'd found conversation to come a bit more naturally, though often still punctuated with arguments or jabs at each other. I hadn't been paying attention, but I was starting to realize Hidan had grown a bit more lenient. Not much, but I could open my mouth without suffering a fresh bruise, usually. Albeit, conversation was usually much louder and more violent than what we were doing right then.

Hidan smirked again, and I inched backwards, against the wall the bed was settled against. "Tobi's out there being a fucking bitch over you," he said, making me arch my eyebrows. "In there saying some shit about you not even being in pain."

That wasn't entirely true, I knew what Tobi was saying. He'd been saying I was a good girl for not crying. Which, uh, felt like a dog joke, but I knew it wasn't coming from Tobi. He said similar things to everyone else, of whom Deidara had the least patience for it. "Would you rather I cry everywhere? I've handled you for this long, a little pain isn't going to break me," I said, a bit coolly. I felt a little cornered.

"Really…" Hidan said, slowly as if he were considering something. It'd be a shame if he hurt his little brain doing that.

Without warning, Hidan snatched me by the wrist and pulled me off the bed. "Hey!" I protested, feeling my legs wobble the moment I put weight on them, threatening to send me toppling over. Hidan didn't seem to notice (or simply didn't care) because he was already halfway out of the door, with me in tow. I followed clumsily, given no choice unless I felt like having Hidan drag me. I felt like an awkward doll, moving stiffly after having spent months locked away on a shelf. Hadn't today been fucking enough, already? "Hidan!"

It was well into the night, and that made the hallways empty and eerie. A chill permeated the air, growing more biting the closer we got to the entrance. Hidan didn't even bother covering my eyes this time, but he didn't need to. When he reached the door, I shut my eyes tight as a jarring rumble made my bones shake. Within a few moments, a whipping wind sent my hair flying across my face, and a violent shiver down my back. Hidan, even shirtless, marched into the frigid weather, not appearing half as bothered. I turned over my shoulder, sending one last glance towards the base as we vanished into the thicket of trees.

"Why are we out here? Where are you taking me?" I demanded, teeth chattering and ruining my intimidation tactic. Overhead, clouds swallowed the moon whole, leaving the forest bathed in only the faintest glow. It made the trees look as if they had claws. Within moments, I received an answer to my prior questions, but it was in a way I hadn't wanted.

Hidan wrenched me forward, and I cringed as my back slammed into a very unforgiving tree trunk. The bark bit into my skin through my shirt. First, I'd dealt with a crazy girl, and now I was going to have to deal with an even crazier man? You know what? This was a shitty fucking day. I'd had about enough of it.

Hidan leaned in close, his breath warm against my ear as it twitched against his lips. "You said pain won't break you," he said, his voice a low timbre. "Let me show you real pain, bitch."

Fuck.

What I said hadn't been an invitation. I began to struggle, reaching up to rake my nails down Hidan's forearm. Blood beaded beneath my fingertips, so vibrant against his ivory flesh. "You like a challenge, right, _bitch?"_ I snarled the word, growing warm as if my blood were being heated over the embers of my growing anger. I'd sat pretty for so long, I'd bitten back so much I'd wanted to say, been too afraid to lash out. I had always stared down the whip-master when he swung the coil, and I wasn't about to stand still for Hidan, either. If he wanted a fucking fight so bad, I was going to give him one. He'd fucking asked for it.

I clenched a fist tight as I swung for Hidan's face, landing a punch that snapped his head to the side. My knuckles cracked from the impact, but the fresh swell of pain only made me hunt for more. I was angry, I was bitter, I was pissed the fuck off, and if Hidan could take out all his anger on me, I damn sure could do the same to him. I yanked on my other arm, the one Hidan had yet to let go of, desperate to claw and bite and hurt. Hidan was still a moment, his head still turned to the side, but soon, a chuckle rumbled in his chest, and it began to grow in crescendo, until it was echoing around me. It dripped with sadistic glee, a disturbed sound that made my stomach writhe and rend inside me.

Whipping forward with surprising speed, I didn't even see Hidan raise an arm, not until the back of his hand was cracking across my face. The resounding "Crack!" bounced off the nearby trees, along with my anguished cry as fire lit up across my cheek, as if Hidan had held me too close to a stovetop. Hidan let go of me when he struck, the force of which sent me plummeting to the ground. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as I lifted my head, my eyes meeting Hidan's; they were so bright, practically glowing in the dark, so wide with excitement. "Finally," he said, exhaling the word as he clenched his hands at his side.

Rage poured into me. It filled my stomach, my lungs, until I was oozing unbridled fury. Frozen twigs crunched beneath me as I tore off the ground, scraping my palms as I flung myself towards Hidan with nothing holding me back, certainly not myself. _Attack, hurt, win._

When I lunged, Hidan wasn't expecting it. He thrust his arms up to catch me, but I was already clawing at him, my arms flying as I punched and beat with months of pent up violence. Someone had to fucking pay for it. Hidan was the only person to ever measure up to my rage, who could ever withstand it. He could take the brunt of it and be just fucking fine, and that only drove me harder. My momentum sent us both crashing to the ground, but I didn't stop, I was only briefly paused to suck in air into my jostled chest. My legs straddled Hidan's waist as I punched what was sure to bloom into a black eye onto Hidan's face.

"Bitch," Hidan spat, but venom was far from the only thing in his voice. No, it was _excitement._ Hidan got a hold of one of my arms, and with his free hand, he reached for his waist. When he pulled back, a telltale silver glint immediately caught my attention, and an infuriated cry spilled from my lips. It was a kunai, and Hidan was absolutely no amateur with his weapons like my earlier attacker. Realization dropped into my belly like a boulder; had that been Hidan's plan all along tonight, to drag me far into the woods to kill me? Get rid of both his birds with the same stone?

Well, it wasn't going to be fucking easy.

I clawed a set of furious marks down Hidan's chest as I scrambled to get up, to back away, but I wasn't fast enough. Hidan moved first, and I stiffened, bracing (as well as one could brace for it) against the inevitable stab to my chest. Instead, I felt a familiar, sharp flare of pain as it carved up my torso, above my navel. My eyes popped open and I glanced down as crimson bled through my shirt, the kunai still pressed into my skin, just waiting to bite, to hurt, but not to stab. My gaze flickered towards Hidan's for a beat, where his mouth was set in a vindictive smirk.

Oh, I was catching on.

Hidan raised his hand again, this time slicing the blade across my chest, right over my collarbone. My mouth opened, but not a sound escaped me as I fell backwards, slipping off Hidan entirely. I reached for my chest, and when I brought my fingers back, ruby-red glinted on them. The moon was starting to unveil, as if she were interested in the show Hidan and I were putting on.

I stared, enraptured by the sight of my blood, by the fire in my chest. Fresh adrenaline made my heart thunder. It had been ages since I felt like this, so wild, so…like myself. Hidan lunged suddenly, making me shout as I found myself pinned on my back, with the predator hovering above me, his eyes gleaming with a hunger far from satiated. Perhaps it would never be.

I'd always been a glutton, myself.

Hidan's grip was like iron around my wrist as he slammed it above my head. I reached to rake my claws down his arms again, but the new blood, the fresh pain, it only seemed to spur him. I knew better, but I always knew better. The pain drove him, fueled him, and I was only gasoline.

A searing pain erupted in my wrist, and I opened my mouth to scream, my voice piercing the air even as the pain dug deeper into my flesh. It was like pouring molten silver over my arm, and I yanked on the aching limb, but Hidan held fast. For a split second, I even wondered if he was cutting off my hand, the pain making my vision black for a moment. My breath came ragged and harsh, and I felt the warm, wet river of blood as it dripped down my arm.

Hidan pulled away after a couple of grueling minutes, and with all of the strength I could wrench into my body, I kicked him off of me, yanking my arm away and cradling it against my chest. Hidan knelt up in front of me, and I watched as he brought the kunai to his lips and licked my blood off the shimmering blade. I didn't so much as flinch, despite my stomach lurching. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I said, panting and raspy.

My disturbed question only earned a faint laugh from Hidan as he rose from the ground. I scrambled to my feet as well, launching forward with a punch with my good arm. Hidan caught the prepared strike and twisted me around, pinning my arm to my back. I shouted in frustration as he pushed me forward, my cheek scraping against a tree as he pinned me against it. Hidan was warm as he pressed against me, and I could feel how he heaved for breath, himself. He laughed again, the sound chasing something into my chest, like a rabbit running from a wolf.

"You have no idea," Hidan said, though I begged to differ. "You aren't so fucking strong, not nearly as much as you think."

I slammed my elbow into Hidan's side with all the power I could muster, and I was satisfied by the grunt of him losing his breath. His grip loosened, and I wrested myself away and whirled around. Before even thinking, I slapped Hidan across the face, my hand stinging furiously after the impact.

"Fuck you!" I screamed, my chest rattling with the force of my voice. "You took everything from me! You're a fucking crazy bastard, and if this fucking collar wasn't on I would fucking _destroy_ you!"

I was absolutely lying, but I was also absolutely pissed right off. I had worked hard for years, I'd suffered in silence, I'd trained myself, I'd withstood things no fucking person should have to, even in just these past few months alone. I was strong. I was nothing if I wasn't strong. I didn't care if I wasn't a real shinobi, I didn't care if I wasn't a match for Hidan, I could still fucking die trying if nothing else. He'd taken all of my ways to fight, and then told me to put my fists up. Even if he didn't use chakra, I hardly believed that was a fair fucking fight. "You're a fucking coward!"

Hidan spat blood onto the ground as he straightened to stare down at me, that infuriating smile in place. "Is your whole species fucking arrogant as hell? Because from what I've seen, you're pretty fucking useless."

"You're pretty fucking stupid!" I shot back, spitting like a snake. "You fucking prick!"

We were both breathing hard, bloody—what was the point of this? If he'd been prepared to kill me, he wouldn't have bothered with any of this. He'd have brought his scythe, he wouldn't have entertained my struggles. This was a game. I'd been playing since I stepped foot into Hidan's life, a dangerous, crazy, wild fucking game, and which one of us was even winning? The ice had cracked beneath me already, but I'd clawed my way to the surface, now. "You're nothing but a crazy, childish fucking psychopath! You think everything is a fucking game!"

Hidan grabbed my jaw then, squeezing, and you better believe I shut up. "I'm immortal," he said, speaking through grit teeth. "Life _is nothing_ but a fucking game to me, and I've got a hundred fucking toys to play with."

Nothing but a toy, huh? "Let me tell you something, _master,"_ I seethed, saturated with spite. "Go play this shit with that god of yours. I'm not a toy for you to break, and I sure as fuck won't let you do it." I shoved Hidan away from me and spun on my heel, running without so much as a glance back. I never heard footsteps behind me, but that meant nothing to me with a shinobi like Hidan. I didn't even slow until I reached the base again, where I collapsed in front of the entrance, splaying on the ground in a heap of breathless exhaustion. I hadn't even been trying to get away from Hidan, there was no escaping him; I'd been trying to get away from myself. Those thoughts that had come clawing out of the shadows, thirsting after the blood trickling down my flesh.

I blinked slowly, almost too tired to hold my eyes open. It'd been a hell of a day, after all. A twinge in my wrist made me wince, and I remembered the terrible pain only minutes ago. It had faded some, but it was still raw and angry. Carefully, I raised my wrist above my face to peer at it, the faint moonlight glittering on my blood. My eyes widened in shock as I drank in the sight, but before I could get up and launch into another fit, my eyes were rolling back, and I'd passed out before ever getting the chance.

There was a Jashin symbol carved into my wrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New note: well
> 
> Old note: It's been awhile. I hope you enjoy this chapter because I honestly didn't know what to do with it… I'm that author that gets an idea, but has yet to figure out to make her way up to it. And when I sat down to write, I didn't really want to or have an idea for it, but I felt so touched by how many of you are patiently waiting and even asking for a new chapter, and I know it's been so long. So here you go, thank you for waiting! Notice a couple of different things in the story?
> 
> I'm thinking about writing another HidanXAmaya story -something much nicer mind you- but I'm concerned about the time I have. And I'm not the best with ideas.


	16. Chapter 16

_That night he caged her_

_Bruised and broke her_

I've got no idea what I did, but at some point in my life, some god somewhere (and wouldn't it be funny, if it really were Jashin?) had decided to damn me. I was a mistake, somewhere there had been an accident and now that god was trying fervently to correct it by erasing me. It was too bad I was clinging to life, as stubborn as a blood stain.

Bad analogy, but fuck you anyway, god.

In the midst of my lamenting, I tripped going up the stairs from the lower levels of the base, and swore up a storm when I almost ended up all the way at the bottom again. I'd spent the better part of the day hiding out down there. Yeah, I'm not about to lie about it, I was hiding so I could wallow in my own self-pity for a while. I'd lost track of time sitting among the dust, tracing the scar on my wrist. It had mostly healed, no longer scabbing and tender, and also leaving behind the permanent reminder of who I was stuck with. I'd hardly spoken a word to Hidan since our fight, and he'd gone out of his way to avoid me too, I think at least, I'd found myself with a lot fewer bruises and headaches than normal.

Hidan was a monster. There was no denying that; he had killed, he had hurt, he had done terrible things to me. I hadn't forgiven or forgotten those things, but…

But what? What I was supposed to say, supposed to think? Maybe I really was going crazy, trapped here. It'd been about half a year already; longer than I'd spent anywhere, longer than I'd spent with anyone. I had met countless people, seen the best and the worst of them. I had never met anyone like Hidan. No one who reached so deep inside me and pulled out parts of myself I didn't even know existed, who made me fight and claw my way to the top and to keep myself from falling again. I had never even realized it, but I was starting to rekindle a determination and passion for life I hadn't had in years. I hadn't noticed how complacent I'd become, only moving through the motions, barely even noticing what was around me. I was hellbent on living, on proving to Hidan I was something more than a broken little girl.

I was proving that to myself as much as him.

As I rounded the corner, I bumped into someone's chest and bounced off them. startled, I stumbled back and looked up, right into a sharp smile. Goosebumps littered my flesh. "I…I'm sorry, Kisame-san. I didn't see you," I said, hoping I had schooled my expression into something neutral, but I suspected Kisame was well aware I was afraid of him. I gave him a wide berth, and never spoke a word to him when I found myself stuck in the same room with him. Sometimes, he ordered me to cook for him, others, he would pause in the living room or another space I was working in and would simply watch me, his yellow eyes piercing through me.

I didn't trust Kisame, and I made it obvious.

I hurried around the imposing man, not eager to prolong the interaction. I felt his gaze on my back until I turned the corner though, and by the time I finally reached an open space, I was all but running. I couldn't stand the sticky tension that weighed in the air whenever I was with Kisame; that dread of something terrible and frightening, that cold glint in his eyes, everything warned me to keep my distance from the swordsman. I had just stopped to take a breath when Hidan came into the room; I heard him before I saw him, and his sudden voice made me jump almost a foot in the air.

"Finally, do I have to buy a fucking dog whistle for you to hear me?" Hidan grumbled.

Perplexed, I shrugged. I hadn't even heard him, but he didn't need to know that. "You could try not being lazy, and coming to find me yourself," I suggested.

Hidan's lip curled, and I crossed my arms as he leaned into my space. "I don't think you'd like that," he told me, and I shivered when he glanced pointedly at my wrist. I tightened my arms, pulling my scarred wrist closer to my chest as I pushed past Hidan on my way to the living room. I wasn't about to win that round, considering the only comebacks coming to mind were strings of curses. I'd almost forgotten he'd even said he'd been trying to find me.

Hidan straightened as he let me past him. "I'm leaving on a mission, probably won't be back until the damn middle of the night. You think you can fucking keep yourself out of trouble for that long?" he was sneering, and I only stuck my tongue out at him. Childish? Perhaps, but Hidan was far from sophisticated to begin with.

"You're most of my trouble in the first place," I said, waving a hand at him. Hidan had left me alone for longer periods of time by then, and although in the beginning he'd locked me inside his room, I no longer had those restrictions. Don't get me wrong, it was still imprisonment, I couldn't leave this place without Hidan, and he didn't often find a reason to take me anywhere with him. I'd grown bolder in pestering him about taking me out though, even if sometimes my efforts earned me more trouble than it was worth. Every step forward felt like a leap to me, and every time I got shoved backwards two or three steps in return, it only strengthened my next jump. "Have fun!"

Hidan shot me a cool look, but I didn't so much as flinch. I was way too familiar with it. "Maybe I'll have fun a little later," Hidan said, and it was distinctly a threat, but I just rolled my eyes. Silence fell over the room once Hidan was gone, and I sighed, sinking into the couch. Sometimes I longed for a moment of quiet, but lately, the silence just made me itch. Glancing down, I noticed that the bruises and cuts from earlier in the month were almost faded. There was still one glaring wound, however; that fucking Jashinist symbol, carved into my wrist. It no longer hurt, not unless I scrubbed too hard at it, but…well, _looking_ at it hurt! Who the hell did he think he was, he'd. . .he'd branded me! I was more than an animal, I was sure as hell more than a fucking pet. I wasn't some prize to wear Hidan's mark.

Certain masters did brand their slaves or pets, sometimes because they wanted to keep track of them, and other times it was to make sure no one else laid a hand on them. I knew for a fucking fact neither of those reasons were Hidan's. Hidan's only reason for ever doing something was to hurt, to test, to challenge, and maybe before when he pushed I'd only fallen on my ass, but now I'd found my feet. I did not push back, I lunged. The taste of Hidan's blood lingered on my tongue.

A shadow engulfed where I was sitting, making me stiffen. A low chuckle resounded behind me, and suddenly my tongue felt like lead in my mouth. "You look like shit." It was Kisame's unmistakable voice, that raspy nearly-a-hiss like he had gargled saltwater all his life. Slowly, I tilted my head to look at him. He towered above me just when we were standing, but when I was sitting? I felt like an ant.

I wasn't sure if he expected for me to say something, but after a second, he hadn't left. Swallowing, I scrounged up a reply. "Being around Hidan tends to do that to you," I murmured, unable to raise my voice.

Kisame sneered at that, his mouth sharp and his gaze twice as much. His yellow eyes raked up and down me where I sat on the couch, and I felt see through despite the baggy shirt covering me. Immediately, I dismissed that notion, deeming it paranoia on my part. No one else had laid a hand on me here, hadn't even offered, and a few glances was hardly enough to warrant me acting like a sheltered victim. Kisame made me nervous, yes, but I couldn't pinpoint the real reason why, it was something lurking in the back of my head, some dormant siren that seemed to have run out of batteries. It to have been nothing, just my own anxious suspicions, yeah? Old habits didn't die, they simply rested. I sunk lower on the couch, willing it to swallow me whole, but before it could, Kisame spoke up. This time, with an order. "Get up and go to my room, girl."

He turned around without an answer, heading for the kitchen, while I sat frozen. His words echoed in my head, even as I pondered for a moment if I'd heard correctly. Kisame glanced at me over his shoulder when he heard no movement, and he narrowed his eyes. "Are you deaf or stupid?" he asked me gruffly.

That sounded more like a warning than a real question, and I wasn't keen on waiting around to see if he'd come get me himself. I hadn't seen him all day, presumably he'd been out on a mission himself, personal or otherwise, and he required his weapons to be taken care of. That was usually the only reason he sent me to his quarters, something bloody and menial. I told myself that the whole time I walked to Kisame's room, feeling robotic, almost on autopilot. I wasn't excited at the prospect of the gore awaiting me. I remember saying it before, I tended to put off going into Kisame's room, but none of that compared to the fear of defying him.

I pushed open Kisame's door and headed inside, while a drafty chill wrapped around me. I paused and glanced around, noting the pristine weapons on display. "Huh," I murmured, confused at the lack of a mess. Everything looked perfect, almost exactly as I'd left it, not a thing out of place nor a stray drop of blood. That was odd, to have nothing to do, unless I was missing something right in front of me…if there was nothing for me to do, then why—

"SLAM!" echoed the door crashing shut behind me, and immediately my heart hurtled into my throat. I whirled around and came face to face with the very nightmare I had told myself meant nothing. Kisame looked bigger than ever as he took a step towards me, his hand outstretched. I tried to take a step back, my eyes darting all around the room as I tried to look for something to fight with, anything, something!

Kisame was backing me into a corner. "Take your clothes off," he told me, his voice chilling. Not a threat, not a pause, not even a hint of doubt that I'd obey. It spoke volumes about what Kisame had been planning, about what he really thought of me, and the worst of it all, about how fucking stupid I was.

"Get away from me, Kisame!" I screamed, hoping desperately someone would hear me and come to investigate. I didn't care who, I didn't even care if they didn't really care about it themselves, I just needed that door to open, a split-second distraction was all I needed!

Kisame's arm shout out with a jarring suddenness, his hand wrapping around my bicep and tightening. Too big, too strong. If I dared to move even an inch, I was sure he'd have broken my arm. "I said take your fucking clothes off," Kisame's voice rumbled, washing over me like freezing water. He shoved me away from him, and I stumbled backwards into the table near his bed. The corner caught my hip, digging a bruise into it, but the pain was distant. Something glistened, catching my attention, and I snatched the kunai off the table before I could even think of what to do with it. Without stopping, I slashed out at Kisame, and I felt the kunai slice into something fleshy. Kisame hissed, and the kunai clattered to the ground as he slapped it from my hand, but I was already moving, I was already running, desperate to use the brief distraction to get past him. I almost made it to the door, I was right there.

I felt a strong hand bury in my hair, and I screamed when Kisame's grip tightened and yanked me backwards, where he threw me against the wall. The collision rattled my bones and left me dazed, giving me too meager of an opportunity to attempt another brazen escape. The feeling of Kisame's hand around my throat snapped me into clarity in a heartbeat. I opened my eyes wide to find Kisame grinning, but the smile was empty of mirth. "Fine, you want to do this the hard way?"

Kisame was holding the kunai I'd used, and I shrieked when he started to cut away at my clothes. There was no delay, no fight, no anything, it was all happening so fast that I was struggling to come to grips with what was really happening. The blade of the weapon bit into my skin as Kisame carelessly slashed at my clothes, until the shreds of them fell away from my now nude body. I reached to cover myself, but Kisame slashed the kunai at me, leaving a deep gash on my forearm. I hissed in pain, and instead reached to aim a punch at the blue bastard's face, not once caring about slicing my knuckles on those teeth.

"Get off me!" I tried screaming again, but Kisame cracked his hand across my face and cut my voice off before I could finish. Stars burst behind my eyelids, followed by a deep ache that left me unable to tell up from down. With dread sinking deep into my gut, steadily gnawing away my grasp on determination, it had become starkly clear Kisame was not holding back, not anywhere. There was nothing he wasn't willing to do to get what he wanted, now that he finally had it within reach; why it was me, I could never understand.

Snatching my bloodied arm, Kisame tossed me aside, the strength behind his momentum throwing me onto the bed like I was nothing but a ragdoll. I tried to take in a breath, but my chest wouldn't budge, I couldn't get anything in. Kisame was on top of me in seconds, before I could remember to breathe or to run or… I cried out in a breathless rage as I felt his weight crushing me into the mattress. I was suffocating, I was drowning. I beat my fists against his chest, scratching my nails at him and trying to kick my legs. I connected with flesh, with bone, with everything I could reach, but the heavy weight above me never budged. I kept my eyes shut, too unwilling to look at him, but I listened as he undid his pants. His hands were cold and calloused as they gripped at my thighs, prying them apart.

I cringed when sharp teeth bit at my neck and shoulder. I could feel blood blooming and dripping down my skin, hot, wet. Kisame settled between my thighs so that I couldn't close them again. I could hear my heart, pounding in my ears. Pain flared from my chest as Kisame roughly grabbed at my breasts, squeezing them in his palms until I was shrieking again. My entire body thrummed with pain and adrenaline, and now the dwindling air left in my lungs was turning to ash. I tried to shove at his shoulders, but he bit into my neck again, ripping skin, the sharp sting spilling down my throat like fire.

Kisame lifted my hips a little, and there was no warning before he shoved himself inside of me. My mouth opened, but no sound escaped, as if my voice had been wrenched from my body by the pain. It was like a fire inside me, a hot knife spearing me. Reluctant and unprepared muscles tore around the forced intrusion, leaving my insides ravaged and aching before the bastard had even begun. When Kisame moved again though, a filthy groan dripping from his mouth, I finally screamed. I couldn't stop, I couldn't help it. The pain reached deep inside me and it was almost enough to make me pass out. Kisame was impatient and brutal, tearing into me with violent abandon. There was no care, certainly not for me, I was nothing but a means to an end right then. I could feel myself bleeding, way too much, it was so much. My first time hadn't even been so bad…Hidan had never been so bad.

I had never expected it from Kisame. I had been afraid of him, but I hadn't… Maybe Hidan was right. Maybe I was just a naïve little girl. Maybe I was just a useless little slave who couldn't stay out of trouble.

"Stop, stop, please!" I wept, as blood trickled down my legs. Kisame never even slowed, his hands digging into my hips as he held me down into the bed. Beneath me, I could feel a wet stain, still warm. I had never bled like this. It was bad, wasn't it? He was killing me. Black ate at my vision, but I clung to consciousness, digging my claws in like a wolf fighting for its first meal in weeks. I drifted in and out, falling silent as I stared at the ceiling. Once, I thought I saw it beginning to fall down on top of me. When I blinked again, it was completely intact.

I couldn't say how long it went on, but it felt like ages before Kisame finally stopped. He reached for my hair again and pulled me up, forcing me down onto his cock. The jarring shift of position came without warning, and I was already screaming, allowing the towering man to stuff my mouth. I gagged at the taste, a terrible metallic bitterness covering my tongue coupled with Kisame's seed as he came within moments, having driven himself to the very edge before pulling out. "Don't want to risk anything with a whore like you," Kisame said, grunting as he thrust into my mouth. When he pulled away, he shoved me to the side, throwing me off his bed. I hit the ground without a cry, lying still as Kisame fixed his clothes. I had to fight the urge to vomit, my insides churning the entire time.

I could barely breathe, much less move, and I didn't much want to do either right then. My entire body throbbed, something inside me throbbed, it ached, it longed for something. I shivered on that floor for who knew how long, still drifting in and out. But I couldn't stay there, I knew I couldn't. Kisame was going to come back, and he might do worse, or he might do it all again. I had to get out of there, I had to leave. I had to go, I had to get safe, I had to move. Come on, get up!

I dragged myself up, sluggish and wincing, and began to crawl, inch by painstaking inch, out of the room. Outside, it was dark, and I couldn't hear a single sound. The only noise was my ragged gasping as I crawled back to my own room, overwhelmed with pain and terror so thick it was nearly choking me. It felt like I'd crawled for miles, all while too afraid to lift my head and find the predator I was trying to hide from. By the time I reached the sanctuary of my room, I couldn't do it anymore, and I collapsed in a heap, naked, bloody, and shaking. I wretched, but nothing came up.

I glanced down, and noticed fresh blood. I was still bleeding. Still? Maybe I had made things worse by moving so much. I was too exhausted to care. My head lolled to the side, hitting the floor as I began to fade. I was safe here, I was away from Kisame. I knew I needed help, but I couldn't gather the strength to even whisper a name, much less anything else. I just wanted to rest, I had made it this far, I'd be safe here. I knew it. I shut my eyes, willing Hidan to hurry back home. Before I passed out, I told myself one final thing.

_Don't you dare die._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW NOTE: Oof, this chapter was violent. Also, looking at the old note, apparently someone predicted I was going to go this route? I don't think they predicted it with Kisame, but they got close to my idea. Sick telepathy, reviewer.
> 
> OLD NOTE: Lyrics: Monster by Meg and Dia
> 
> Inspiration for a scene in the story: CrystalDarkSamus
> 
> So, what do you think Hidan is going to do?
> 
> How dare you comment as an Anon. I wanted to message you. I wanted to interrogate you.
> 
> There was a Guest reviewer and I read the lovely comment they sent me and I thank them kindly, but something makes me wonder, do I actually know you? Because your suggestion, is something I said I would be doing and wanted to do… And you got it right, right down to who I said I wanted to do it. I had asked Kiara whether it should be Deidara or Kisame, and we both agreed Kisame was more frightening so I made Deidara the good guy for a change and Kisame the bad one. I doubt this is what you meant by "take interest" but alas, it's what I wanted, because I saw an easy step to throw their relationship forward again. And I promise I don't plan for it to get mushy, neither Amaya or Hidan are like that.
> 
> Seriously though, can you read my mind? I'm never going to get over how you suggested something that was already well planned out to happen. It's creepy. If you have an account and just didn't sign in, go ahead and do it next time you want to review because… I'm beginning to think you're a spy. The thing I wasn't sure about was where Hidan would be when this happened, out or around the base and just not within range of Amaya. So your review gave me a good idea for him to be gone, thank you very much, Guest.
> 
> *Still suspicious*


	17. Chapter 17

"Whose bright fucking idea was it to stay out all night just to break into some heathen's fucking temple?" I snapped, but I'd long since just been grumbling at Kakuzu's back. He'd stopped listening probably around the second time I opened my mouth, the bastard. "They didn't even have anything worth fucking stealing, it was falling apart. Exactly what a shitty, false god's temple fucking deserves!"

I was tempted to throw something at Kakuzu when he continued walking, as if I'd never said a fucking word. Whatever, all of the assholes that worshipped at that temple were going to burn for their blasphemy. "You can go by your-fucking-self next time, you greedy bastard!" I shouted after Kakuzu's back as he retreated down the hallway. Asshole, always dragging me on his shitty cash schemes. I only wanted to go if there was a bounty, a chance at a sacrifice was worth my time. Now I'd been up all fucking night without a fucking drop of blood to show for it.

I dropped my scythe at the doorway and headed inside the base after Kakuzu. The sun wasn't quite up yet, so I wasn't expecting anyone to be awake, but there was always some shitty early-bird around. I rolled my eyes upon walking into the living room, where I found Kisame lounging across the entire fucking couch. "Other people live here, asshole," I said. I scowled at the careless glance Kisame shot at me. I wasn't in the Jashin-damn mood, this morning.

"There's other places to sit," Kisame replied with a stretch, a lazy smile on his ugly fucking face.

"Like the fucking floor, so get the fuck off," I snapped. I was tempted to turn my suggestion into action when the blue fuck did nothing except snicker.

"Is that a threat, or are you just bitching like usual?" Kisame straightened up, but by then, I was too pissed off to care. "Don't you have some god to go worship?"

I snorted. "I guess it's someone else's turn to bitch, it's usually your fucking job when you can't find a slut to fuck. Speaking of, why don't you head off and fuck your sword?" I crossed my arms with a sneer. At least I was in the mood for a fucking fight.

Kisame's sleazy grin deepened. "You have to imprison a girl to get her to sleep with you," he said. I rounded the couch to knock him right the fuck off of it, but he stood up, the damn tall bastard. It didn't stop me from getting in his face, shoving him in the chest and making him stumble back.

"You're the one always getting shitfaced and hitting on every fucking thing with a pulse!" I'd seen him, he'd leered even at Konan. Pein would fucking skin him alive. Kisame didn't give a fuck who they were; male, female, what they looked like, he was just fucking desperate for something to touch him.

Kisame sneered, flashing those sharp fucking teeth. Tch, like he was going to intimidate anyone with that. "You're actually pissed off you can't get anyone without kidnapping them first? Everyone fucking sees it."

"You have to get them fucking wasted before they even look at you, you Jashin-damn shark!" I seethed, regretting that I'd left behind my scythe. I'd love to carve some new gills in the bastard.

I grinned when the smirk slipped off Kisame's face. "At least my partners are willing."

I cackled at that, that was a fucking riot. "Last I checked, if they're so drunk they don't know their fucking name, that's taking advantage of 'em!" I flipped Kisame off. "I've had double the people screaming in my bed than you have, you blue fuck." This was a stupid fucking argument, but I wasn't about to back down a fucking inch when it came to the smug asshole in front of me.

Kisame grinned then, and something heavy settled in my stomach. "Yeah, that's why I can get your whore to scream louder than you can?"

It took a second for his words to actually hit me. I narrowed my eyes and glanced towards the hallway. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked, my voice having dropped. I grit my teeth when Kisame turned his back and began to walk away. I started to follow him, but I didn't have to.

"I didn't even have to get Amaya drunk, she walked right into it." He threw his head back with a laugh that grated on my ears.

I felt my eyes widen. He wouldn't, there was no fucking way, he didn't have the balls. I started forward, eager to rip every fucking tooth out of his mouth, but I glanced towards the hall again, unable to shake the sinking feeling. With a swear, I skidded sideways instead. I had to find her, first. Even if I didn't really believe him, I couldn't shake the urge. As I ran down the hall, I nearly ran right into that fucking brat, Tobi. Fuck, what sane person was even awake at this hour? I pushed him out of the way, not bothering to listen to his cry.

I shoved open my door and ran into my room, only to slide to a halt so fast it almost threw me to the fucking floor. The sight before me made my vision go fucking red. "What the fuck happened?!"

She was propped up against the wall near the bathroom, a trail of blood following her from the middle of the room. Her chest moved shallowly and she was completely naked and covered in blood, some of it still glistening wet. How fucking long had she been like this, how long had she been bleeding, there was a fucking puddle in the middle of the room. Her head snapped up when she heard my voice, her face briefly stricken with terror before an expression of relief softened it, and in that moment, she sagged back against the wall. Her eyes were dull as they began to slip shut, and she looked paler than ever.

"Amaya? Am—fuck," I hissed. She wasn't answering, I wasn't even sure she was all the way there. I ripped off my cloak and covered her with it before I leaned down to pick her up, her head thumped against my chest as I lifted her. She emitted a strained whine as I carried her out of the room, but that was the only sound out of her. "What happened?" I asked her again, quieter as I adjusted her, struggling not to agitate already bleeding wounds. Fuck, what the fuck, I'd only been gone a few hours, _fuck._ She blinked up at me, green eyes glazed. Fuck, I wasn't about to get anything out of her. She was probably in shock.

I carried her out and headed towards the medical wing, but I ended up passing by Deidara on the way. He gasped when he saw her, and then he shot me a scathing, enraged look like I'd been the one to fucking do it to her. "What happened to her?!" he demanded, hands clenched at his sides considering he didn't have his little art purse.

"Just fucking get Konan!" I said, shoving past him. I kicked open the door the medical wing and set Amaya down on the closest cot. I stared at her a moment, before the door flew open. The sound scared the hell out of Amaya, she flinched like she'd been burned.

"Oh, god," Konan murmured as she caught sight of the gruesome scene. Deidara was in front of her, but he'd paused when he caught a real look at Amaya, and Konan had to nudge past him. "Who did this to her?"

I turned away from Amaya and stormed past them. "Just take care of her," I snapped over my shoulder on my way out. She'd be fine with them.

I had something else I needed to take care of.

* * *

_Breathe, just don't forget to breathe._

It had taken me so long just to reach the wall, where I slumped against it. I'd been trying to get to the bathroom, but I couldn't bring myself to stand. The pain was overwhelming, my exhaustion even more so. I wasn't even sure how long I'd laid on the ground, somewhere between awake and not. My breathing was starting to come too fast and too sharp; I was hyperventilating, but I could do nothing to stop it. I was terrified of Kisame coming back, but there was something even worse. What was Hidan going to do when he came back? What would he say?

My mind was a swarm, a jungle of buzzing words and jumbled scenery that didn't make any sense, leaving me lost among it. I was fucking lost inside my own head, but it wouldn't be the first time. A wave of nausea struck me out of nowhere, and when I doubled over, I winced at the pain that was beginning to overcome me. I was going to black out again, but I had to clean myself up, I had to get into the shower before anyone else found me. At least in the bathroom, I could lock the door.

_That won't do anything to protect you. You couldn't even protect yourself._

God, not now—I don't have time for that. I've never had time for you. Who the hell even invited you? I shut my eyes, just for a moment. I swear it was only a moment. The sound of the door whipping open jolted me awake though, and I had to guess it'd been longer than I'd wanted. I stiffened, eyes flying open as I looked up and expected to find Kisame bearing down on me, a scream had just begun to brim at my lips.

Instead, familiar violet eyes met mine, and a pitcher of relief doused the fire inside me. Finally, he was back. Finally, no one else could get to me. Finally, I… I collapsed back against the wall, the effort of being frightened had been too much, now I was too far gone to do much else. I didn't have to worry. Did I? Hidan wouldn't give me back to Kisame, would he? No, he couldn't. He'd probably sooner kill me, right? Even that would be better. I watched Hidan's eyes widen as he took in the sight of me. It couldn't have been that gory, Hidan bled more than this on the regular. Granted, he couldn't die. I was a little bit different.

Hidan spoke, but I couldn't hear the words, only his voice. He came to kneel in front of me, and I cringed as he gathered me off the floor, my body aching in protest. I felt faint, but this time, I didn't bother fighting it. My eyes slipped closed as Hidan carried me somewhere, the sound of other voices eventually mingled in, but it all sounded like buzzing bees, and made about as much sense.

A mattress dipped beneath my back, and I groaned. I wished I could say something, but I couldn't even part my lips, even if I could comprehend what the hell was coming out of Hidan's mouth. The entire world felt like static, but at the same time, it felt like I was underwater and trying to look from under the surface. It didn't feel real, I didn't feel real. I opened my eyes to try to look at the ceiling, but darkness loomed overhead, eating away at my vision. There was a sudden sound that made me jump, but I couldn't move myself to sit up. Fuck, where even was I? Who was I?

A woman was speaking then. Familiar, gentle. I let myself relax, and it felt like I began to sink. The darkness was beckoning, tempting, and I couldn't resist. It was a terrifying feeling, like I was falling, there was nothing under me, nothing around me. There was a prick in my arm, and that was the last thing I felt. I was gone, tumbling into black, nothing but black.

_Welcome back._

* * *

I walked down a path. I didn't recognize anything around me, but the path still felt familiar, as if I'd walked it a dozen times, all muscle memory, now. A red line led me along, tangling and twisting through trees. It was dark, so thickly black that I could see nothing except for the red line. That was okay, that was all I needed. As I walked, I felt myself growing more aware, calmer. I was no longer afraid. I'd spent so long being afraid, hadn't I? It really did take up so much energy, so much time.

Gradually, the red line began to thin, until I reached the end of it, where it unraveled into a heap on the ground. I stood still, staring first at the red thread, and then ahead at the wall of darkness. It rippled, and out from it reached a hand. I stepped away as the hand stretched out, and soon, a girl stepped out from the inky black, as if wrenching herself out of a mirror. I could see her vividly, as if the darkness didn't affect her at all. She had grown. She was sharper, taller, her hair almost touched her shoulders. She cocked her head at me, her hair falling to the side and revealing a thin scar across her left eye.

Her eyes were pitch black, empty. There was nothing in them, there was no soul. No, I was the soul. "It's been a long time," I said, and I was surprised by my own voice.

She grinned. "I've been waiting," she told me, and I wasn't surprised. She began to circle around me, a predator among the shadows, but I didn't feel threatened.

"I…don't need you anymore," I whispered, shutting my eyes. Things were silent. She had stopped moving. "I'm okay, now. I don't need you to protect me anymore."

When I was young, sometimes, something inside me would change. I would become violent, furious, a ball of hatred that lashed out at everything. I had to, you see, I had to protect myself. It was the only way. I was small and afraid, until I couldn't be, anymore. It had been ages since I'd needed her, though. Since I had needed that rage. She had been bubbling beneath the surface for months now, but I wouldn't tap into that again. I didn't need that, now.

I was okay on my own. I could do it on my own.

"Why? What are you waiting for?" she asked, and suddenly she was close. "It's him, isn't it?"

I turned away. "Be quiet," I said, and I listened as she laughed, and I could feel her circling in front of me again. When I opened my eyes, she was only inches away, all empty eyes and sharp teeth. "I'm strong, now. I'm better."

She appraised me for a moment, and I wasn't sure she was satisfied by that. "We'll see. You can't get rid of me forever, and soon, you will have to make a choice."

I opened my mouth to ask what she meant, but before I could, she was reaching out and shoving me backwards. I fell, but there was no ground to catch me. I continued to fall, through the inky well of black. I watched the girl fade, and inside me, I felt something grow lighter, like I had come untethered. Perhaps she would always be there, perhaps she was right. But that was okay. She was a reminder of where I'd been, what I'd had to do. She was a reminder of now. No one else had to fight for me.

Now, I was a fighter.

* * *

Ugh, fuck, waking up was a huge mistake.

I groaned, voice raspy and raw as I found myself thrust back into the world of the living. Well, I'd probably not been dead, but it'd sure felt like it. Faded visions flickered behind my eyelids, like burnt and worn photographs. I opened my eyes and blinked them away, only to get my eyes seared by the lights overhead. I raised up an arm to shield my face, but there was a sudden twinge near the inside of my elbow that made me cringe. Okay, ouch. I glanced down, and was baffled to find an I.V. in my arm. When did that happen?

I thought to look around then, and found that my surroundings didn't match where I last remembered. No, I'd been in Hidan's room, hadn't I? I must've been, one of the last things I remembered was lying on the cold floor. Now, I was laid up in a cot, and the only place that had cots was the medical wing. I was no stranger to that place, but…why was I there? Had Hidan lost his temper, did I fall down the stairs? No, that wasn't right. I reached up to rub at my eyes as I struggled to sit up. I remembered blood, the smell had been so strong, it had been everywhere. I remembered pain, and being afraid, but unlike any way I'd been before, I think.

A sudden draft chilled me, and I shivered, pulling my legs closer to me. The thin white slip I was wearing rustled, and it became startlingly clear that I was nude underneath it. I swallowed, but my throat was dry, and my head was throbbing. God, I really hoped all that was the effect of medication. I was so dizzy that I couldn't hold myself up long, and I let myself drop back down onto the pillow. My eyes slipped shut, my body yearning for rest despite having just woken up. I felt depleted, drained, as if I'd fought in a days-long battle, but I was sure I'd never left the base.

I wanted to sleep more, but my throbbing head wouldn't let up. White-hot images flashed in my head, and I could feel spiders creeping across my flesh; unwanted hands, unwanted touch, unwanted. There were sharp teeth, a terrible hunger, a terrible animal. I was trapped in Kisame's room, and Kisame was there, and he…

He raped me. I was raped.

A wave of nausea came crashing over me, and I squeezed the sheets beneath me, knuckles white and trembling. It had been so easy. I'd all but offered myself to Kisame, I'd gone right into his room, I'd given him a glaring opportunity for whatever he wanted, and he'd eaten it up like a feeding frenzy, leaving me broken in the ocean of blood and terror. Regret began to fill my lungs, my chest tightening as the space inside it shrunk. I'd practically handed myself to Kisame, I was defenseless, I was weak, there was nothing I could've done. I'd fucking tried, I'd fought and screamed as hard as I could, and look what happened.

The collar around my throat was choking me.

I curled up on my side, huddling into a ball. I no longer hurt very much (not physically, at least) and I trusted Konan was to thank for that. I didn't remember coming to the medical ward, though. I think I tried to get to Hidan's room. Yeah, I'd made it there. Now I remembered; Hidan had gotten there, he'd found me. He…he had brought me here.

My eyes popped open, staring with renewed terror at the wall before me. What was Hidan going to say? What was he going to _do?_ Was he going to get rid of me now that I was used by someone else? Would he kill me to punish me for it? Would he…give me away to—

No, no, no. Hidan was far too stubborn and controlling, he'd sooner finish me off himself than give me to anyone else. I was never going to be Kisame's, whether Hidan ended me or I did it myself, that was certain. That didn't mean he wasn't going to be thunderously angry. I'd seen slaves punished for sleeping with those who didn't own them, I'd watched them get whipped until their backs were nothing but crimson. I'd watched them get locked away, sold out, shunned for their infidelity. It was treated as a genuine crime, among the slave trade, no matter if it was consensual or not; no one wanted a used, broken toy. Hidan would never believe I'd fought, would he? He'd never believe a word I said.

_He still came for you, he still brought you here._

I needed to throw up, but there was nothing in my stomach. I needed to shower, but the idea of moving made my entire body tremble. I wanted to run, but I had nowhere to go. I'd already seen how weak I was. I'd die before I got a mile away from here, whether Hidan got to me or not. My insides began to burn as adrenaline came to a spark, urging me to run, to fight, but there was nothing there.

The door opened, and the sudden change almost made me scream. I didn't like the change, I wasn't ready for that. I wanted everything to be still for a while. Even when I saw it was only Konan, my relief was hardly a swallow, therefore doing nothing to douse the fresh flames in my chest. The older woman paused when she saw me, realizing I was awake and appearing surprised by that. Her expression softened, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was relief. I reminded myself it was probably only because I'd be a pain to handle if I died. Konan already shouldn't have to take care of me like she did. At most compounds, when one of us died, we had to work fast and diligently to get rid of the body and the evidence, we had to hide the fact that stock had been lost. Huh, that memory felt so…distant. We had treated people like commodities.

I released a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding, and Konan walked into the room, coming to stand near my cot. She checked my I.V. and then reached for my wrist, listening to my pulse. She frowned, but didn't comment on it. "How are you feeling?" she asked. I had no idea how to answer. I kinda felt like I'd been run over by hell itself.

"Nauseous," I said instead. "A little dizzy and sore, but I'm sure it'll go away." I tried sitting up again, and Konan put a hand on my shoulder to assist me. She'd been very distant for the first couple of months, but she saw quite a bit of me, what with having to heal me so often. Now, I would cautiously venture to call her, at the very least, an ally. A wary camaraderie. Her cool and calculated questions had turned into small talk, and into what I believed to be genuine concern. Konan was…well, I knew nothing about her. She was a total enigma, and I knew she was the leader's closest friend, his second in command, she was dangerous beyond my comprehension. Even knowing that, I'd grown to find Konan to be kind, underneath a layer of armor that I'd never understand and never ask about.

Now finding myself soothed by Konan's presence, I relaxed with her hand on my shoulder. "It was bad, huh?" I asked with dry, mirthless huff.

Konan didn't comment on that. "Any nausea, cramping, and dizziness you're experiencing should fade by tomorrow morning. The medicine is working its way out of your system, I sedated you," she explained, while I numbly nodded along. She carefully eased the needle from my arm and bandaged the pinprick wound. "I healed you as best I could, the lingering soreness should fade with some painkillers. They may also make you drowsy," she warned, but I felt like that was more of a plus.

Konan reached behind her then, and when she turned, she handed me clean clothes. She must've fetched them from my room. I dressed sluggishly, the clothes hanging loosely but still feeling like a wonderful shield. The shorts were mine, but the shirt was Hidan's. I clutched a handful of the fabric. "Try not to push yourself the next couple of days, I advise you to mostly rest," Konan said, making me twist my mouth in worry. I wasn't sure I'd be allowed to do that, and the idea of doing nothing except lying around to wallow in my own memories? That didn't sound appealing, and yet, I longed to do nothing except sleep. I just wanted to sleep and forget.

I flinched when the door opened yet again, my reluctant gaze sliding to the side to find who I already knew would be standing there. Hidan didn't storm into the room like he tended to do, he stood in the doorway looking at me, his gaze shifting. Maybe he was surprised I was awake, too. How long had I been out?

I didn't notice the tension in Hidan's shoulders until he let it go, and I recoiled a little. He was angry, I knew he was; he was waiting on me to wake up so I could suffer for what had happened. That had to happen, right? Hidan opened mouth, and oh, fuck, here it was coming—

"Can you walk?" he asked.

I blinked, cogs turning in my head. Shakily, I swung my legs over the side of the cot. The floor was freezing. "Yeah, yeah, I can." At least, I hoped. I stood to prove the point, but I only stood still, my legs shaking. It was an effort alone to keep myself upright. If they'd just give me a minute, I could walk, definitely.

Hidan eyed me a moment before rolling his eyes. I stiffened when he approached, uncertain what to expect. Completely blowing any possible expectations out of the water, I made a surprised sound when Hidan scooped me off the ground, muttering something under his breath. I was silent and rigid as he carried me back to the bedroom. Instead of my head being abuzz with thoughts, it was empty, like I couldn't think anything at all.

As soon as we came to the room, I shuddered, an eerie sense of calm coming over me. This was familiar, this was mine. It wasn't, not really, but it was all I had. Hidan set me down on the bed, where I curled my legs beside me, and briefly wondered if I was still out cold. This was all so…well, it'd make more sense to be out cold, okay? I also wondered if this was because of Pein saying something to Hidan, but I knew Hidan didn't give a damn what Pein wanted. He only did what he wanted.

Hidan stared hard at me for a second, but I stared down. "Don't leave this fuckin' room," he told me through grit teeth, before he turned and left me, shutting the door behind him. I watched the door for a few seconds before I began to nestle under the covers, trying to bury myself, hide myself. I was too exhausted for all of this thinking, all of this worrying. If he was considering what to do with me, how to punish me, I could worry about it later. All that mattered right then was sleeping. Glancing at my arm, I traced my fingers over the symbol carved there. Jashin protected Hidan, I wondered if Jashin would protect anyone else?

I began to drift off, the medicine and my own weariness taking effect. The last thing I heard was the sound of Hidan's voice shouting, and distant crashing.

_Protected or cursed?_

* * *

I hoped whatever drugs Konan pumped Amaya full of would keep her out for a while. I wasn't worried about leaving her alone, she was on the verge of fucking passing out anyway, and no one was going to even fucking think of breaking into my room. I was close enough this time, I'd hear her throwing a fit, although she was damn near so out of it I wasn't sure she'd even notice Deidara blowing up his fucking bombs.

I clenched my hands as I stormed towards one very, very fucking dead son of a bitch. How dare Kisame fucking put his hands on her, he didn't have the Jashin-damn right to fucking look at her, how stupid was the overgrown fuckfish? I was going to tear him limb from limb, until there wasn't even enough for his beloved sharks to feast on.

Tobi ducked out of my way as I passed him, murmuring in terror as he skittered away like the fucking kid he was. At least he was smart enough to move this time, anyone who got in my fucking way was gonna find themselves with a new hole to breathe out of. Once I got to Kisame's door, I beat my fist against it. "Open the fucking door!" I shouted through the wood. Silence from the other end, and I fucking snapped. He wasn't going to fucking hide from me, he wasn't fucking getting away with it.

"Fucking coward," I snarled, and rammed my shoulder against the door. It broke away from the hinges and hung limply as I stormed through it. That sure got the giant fuck's attention; he was standing by the time I reached him, his ugly eyes narrowed as he opened his mouth, the start of something just leaving before I punched it out of him. Something crunched under my fist, but it didn't do a fucking thing to satisfy me. I wasn't stopping until they were scraping the mutant off the shitty fucking walls.

Kisame launched at me, his knee going into my side and throwing me back out of his room. I grunted as I cracked against the opposite wall, opening my eyes in time to dodge the sword Kisame buried right where my head would've been. I ripped a pike from my cloak and swung it to the side, furious for a drop of blood. Just a fucking drop. "Who the fuck said you could touch her? Who the fuck said you could go anywhere fucking near that bitch?" I demanded, amidst the sound of our weapons clashing. Kisame was faster than I was, but I was pissed the fuck off. Someone was paying, and they were paying in flesh.

"I don't need your permission for a fucking thing," Kisame said, and I noticed he was slurring a little. Fuck, he couldn't go a night without a drink. "Especially when it comes to a whore that's been taunting us all for a year, just begging for it. You're lucky I didn't just kill her for you." Kisame got a lucky hit on my shoulder, and I snarled as blood poured down my chest.

"You hate yourself so fucking much you have to drink to live with yourself," I said, blindly driving the pike forward and feeling it rip into skin. "You couldn't get her, you had to fucking force her like you do everyone else!" Blood burst inside my mouth behind Kisame's fist, and I spat where I thought the bastard's face would be. I couldn't die, but fuck if I wouldn't need Kakuzu to stitch some shit back together.

We were tearing through the base, I didn't notice until I stumbled through the living room. I could see my scythe, the silver glinting on the opposite wall. "You're fucking nothing without your creepy-eyed partner," I snapped.

Kisame jabbed his fucking kitchen-knife forward, getting a lucky catch somewhere on my leg. I didn't fucking look, I didn't fucking care. I landed back against the wall, breathing hard. "Put your money where your mouth is, you shit," Kisame said, blood dripping from where I'd punctured his abdomen.

"You want a real fucking fight? I'll show you a real fucking fight!" I reached for my scythe, and didn't hesitate as the easy weight swung in my hand, pivoting the blades towards Kisame. He threw his arm up to catch the strike, and the blades bit into his flesh, stripping it away and leaving his forearm in ribbons. His sword clashed against the handle of the scythe as I blocked another swing, the weight making me slide on the floor.

"You're nothing but an arrogant fucking brat," Kisame said. I rolled my eyes, swinging again.

"Better than being an ugly fucking freak," I spat. Swing, block, bleed. Maybe neither of us would walk away from this, but I'd at least get up later to spit on his piece of shit corpse. Pein would probably find a way to kill me for getting rid of his precious pawn, but he could get off his fucking ass and get another, just like he always did.

I swore as I landed back against the wall, getting ready to tear every fucking wall in this place down by that point. I jabbed the handle of the scythe into the asshole's shoulder, the distraction just long enough for me to flip the weapon. It only caught his chest, he'd backed up enough, but it was fucking worth hearing him hiss with pain.

"Why are you so insane about this? You just looking for a reason to bitch?" Kisame asked as our weapons clashed again; they either bounced off each other or off of us, hungry for blood. "Why don't you fucking tell me why you haven't just finished the slave already?"

"It isn't any of your fucking business, touch her again and it'll be the last fucking thing you do!" I swung my arms up, ready to bring the scythe down and cut Kisame's fucking vocal cords out. I never got the chance before something hit me in the chest, the unseen force launching me backwards. I could hear Kisame suffering the same shitty fucking trick. The bastard always stepped right into the middle of everything.

"Stay the fuck out of it!" I spat at Pein, trying to ignore the way his creepy fucking eyes pierced through me. He stood between me and the fucking shark, regarding us for a moment before he thought it was fucking worth opening his mouth.

"I won't have my own subordinates murdering each other again. What is the meaning of this?" Pein asked, staring right at me like it was my fucking fault. It usually was, but that didn't fucking matter. I shoved my scythe to the floor, splattering blood across the stone.

"Hidan's only looking for a reason to fight, probably for his stupid fucking religion." Kisame had pushed himself up onto a knee, looking up at me past Pein with a sneer. "I didn't do a damn thing."

I grit my teeth in a snarl. "Shut the fuck up, you fucking prick!" I stood, but there was no way I was going to get past the pierced fuck in front of me. "You almost fucking killed her, you're lucky I didn't just cut your fucking hands off!"

As soon as I'd said it, I realized everything wrong with it. What the fuck was I doing? Pein's expression stayed blank, an empty fucking piercing container, but he glanced at Kisame.

"I see," Pein said coolly. "Hidan, I suggest you take better guard of what you value." Pein leveled a look at Kisame next. "Kisame, leave the girl be."

I fucking hated the way he said that to me. It wasn't about value or bullshit, I didn't want Kisame's fucking hands all over what belonged to me. I shot a scathing glare at the bastard as he stood up, spitting a mouthful of blood at his feet. "For once you give a fuck about something besides your insane religion?" Kisame asked. I swung the closest pike at him, but before it ever reached him, Pein had snatched it out of the fucking air.

"She isn't yours, she'll never be yours," I snarled at the blue bastard, before I stormed out of the room, sooner ready to tear my own ears off than listen to Pein fucking lecture again. I ran a hand through my hair to push it back again, bloody and breathless as I made my way back to my room. I had to remind myself not to tear the fucking door open, because I didn't want her to wake up screaming again.

Inside, I paused, staring down at the sight in my bed. Amaya was curled around a pillow, nested in the blankets. She was out cold. I knew, because her expression was peaceful, relaxed. When she was awake, she was a fucking hurricane, her emotions worn on her face like a fucking tattoo. When she slept, she was calm, serene, the only calm she ever fucking had.

I scowled as I watched her. This wasn't fucking right, it wasn't supposed to be like this. She should already be gone, she should already be finished. Kisame should fucking have her, I shouldn't give a fuck.

Fuck, why the fuck did I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: nah
> 
> Old Note: AUTHORESS NOTE:
> 
> DON'T BE ANGRY I'M SO SORRY IT'S BEEN THIS LONG SINCE I UPDATED BUT SO MUCH SHIT HAS BEEN HAPPENING; writer's block included.
> 
> The main reason I got fed up with even trying to finish this chapter is my laptop randomly shut down for no apparent reason at all and I lost this entire chapter except for Hidan's part. Not going to lie, I lost my shit and in a fit of rage declared myself on break from this story. I'm still upset, and it happened weeks ago. I wanted to get this done for you even though I wanted to just quit because I loved what I'd written and this is never as good as what I'd had before, but… Fuck it. I tried.
> 
> This chapter was difficult. Hidan is difficult to write. Numerous reviewers have told me they like how I write him or that I keep him in character, that makes me nervous about messing up, ha-ha! But, I try to write him as I see him. Kisame is also someone I never write, I think I have one story with prolonged interaction with him, and I wrote him more as I see him with Itachi. Here I have to focus on his bad side. Did I do okay?
> 
> Orcivinprincess: You made an account! I love it! I tried to incorporate your idea while still using one of my own, so you must get some credit for this chapter, thank you. I know I didn't write what you wanted exactly, but I had other plans as well that I used because I did intend for him to find her, but I liked using your idea of how he found out. I wrote it partially my way because I did want this chapter to be another push in their relationship. Unorthodox, violent relationship.
> 
> Dbzcat: it's not a Kekkei Genkai exactly, but it will be shown shortly. It's been shown in some of my other stories, I just have yet to fully explain it, so I might do so in this one. And sorry, but Deidara won't fall for her. *Smiles*
> 
> NinjaGirlxxx: Your email did not come through honey! You have to space it out so it will show up, but no, I don't have any chapters already written. I write as I go! :)
> 
> *- When I say "red line" it's a hint towards the whole "red line of fate" or "your red soul line" and that crap.


	18. Chapter 18

My body felt so heavy, like I was filled with lead. Rather than force myself to get up, I curled in on myself and sunk deeper into the soft surface beneath me. Huh, that was weird. Usually I woke up cold and scraped up from the unforgiving ground. There was a vaguely familiar scent when I buried my face against something soft, and I found myself relaxing. I spent several minutes lying still, bouncing between being awake and asleep before finally deciding I was awake, albeit reluctantly. My eyelids fluttered open, vision blurry and head swimming. I didn't want to be awake at all, vignettes of faint dreams still flickered in my head, but my body buzzed with the longing to move. I didn't know how long I'd been asleep, but it felt like too long, I had to move these stiff limbs before I forgot how to. Something else had pulled me from my rest, too. A familiar, unnerving feeling that pushed me to sit up.

I glanced to the door, and realized the feeling was that of being watched. Hidan stood in the door way, his gaze pinned to me with such conviction, I expected to burst into flames any second. His bright eyes narrowed when I met them, and I found myself short of breath. It felt like we were standing in a completely different world, only the two of us.

Hidan walked towards me then, thus breaking the trance that had glittered between us. I straightened to lean against the back of the bed, and as stray strands of my too-long hair fell into my face, I reached to comb them back. The room was coming into clarity, and I could feel the dizziness and confusion seeping from me as I eased back into the real world. The nausea and soreness had largely faded too, I realized when I moved without a twinge of discomfort. Konan was really a miracle worker. Hidan paused at the side of the bed, studying me a moment as I looked up at him warily. This was not how I expected our next encounter to go, there was much less yelling, less fighting, less…everything. Finally, he spoke, but it was nothing like I'd anticipated. "You all right?" he asked, voice hard and neglecting the curses that so often littered his speech.

Caught off guard, I nodded silently. Was I? I mean, I wasn't in pain anymore. But when I closed my eyes, I could still feel it. When I closed my eyes, I could still see him. Those distant vignettes from when I'd woken up briefly became vivid, and I creased my brow and leaned, resting my forehead in my hands.

Above me, Hidan scoffed, making me look at up at him. His eyes, so familiar by then, were still their usual bright arrogance, the same hard edge in them as always; but there was something…missing. I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but I was sure of it. "You're complete shit at lying," he told me then, making me blink in surprise. With a startled, weak breath of laughter, I leaned back again, tilting my head to stare at the ceiling.

"No, I'm not okay," I said. "I'm weak, I'm fucking pathetic, Hidan. That's it." I spat the last words out, my hands clenching at my sides. Hidan's eyes darkened. He'd been watching my face, but after a moment, they slid lower, pausing near my throat. Gaze narrowing, Hidan turned away to leave. He paused at the door and glanced at me over his shoulder.

"Don't you leave this fucking room, not unless someone's with you. And no, Tobi does not fucking count," he tacked on the last part almost as an afterthought, his voice harsh with demand. For once, I didn't even long to disobey. The door shut as I stared after Hidan, confused and frustrated. Why was he acting so…wrong? This wasn't what I'd been anticipating. I thought I'd come to be able to predict Hidan, I'd grown used to him, and now everything felt different, as if something had changed. Had I changed? Was it me, or was it him?

Was it a good or a bad thing?

I felt terribly lost. Lost and small, and those were things I'd never felt before meeting Hidan. I did not like them. I hated them. I hated Hidan. I…did?

I was right, waking up was a mistake.

The door clicked open, the sudden sound making me flinch as I glanced up. I expected Hidan, despite him having just left. Instead, a familiar head of blond hair peered around the door. "Hey, you're awake," Deidara said, with a shadow of a smile. "Hidan said you'd just gotten up, yeah. It's been a couple days."

Oh. No wonder I'd been so out of it. Now further urged to get moving and shake off days of dead sleep, I thrust the blankets back and moved to the edge of the bed to stand. The air was chilly, making goosebumps pop up on my legs. When I glanced at Deidara again, I noticed he looked me up and down, before sighing through his nose. I felt out of place suddenly. Everyone felt out of place, everything felt different, wrong. I felt like a terrible event had happened and it'd been the catalyst of my life getting thrown upside down. That had been Hidan's honor before, but this was somehow worse. I'd never expected that possible. I didn't want to be watched like a child, gazed at with pity or fear.

"Do you want to come out, yeah? I'm sure you're hungry," Deidara said. I wasn't, really. That was a surprise in itself. I was itching to get out of the room though, I didn't want to be cooped up all alone. I was sure to start thinking about things I didn't want to. I took a tentative step, and when I didn't stumble, I felt more confident. I followed Deidara out in silence, and when we reached the kitchen, I automatically went to the stove, on autopilot. It was familiar, maybe I was just seeking familiar. I wanted to do something, anything to distract myself and feel something again, to feel…what feeling was I looking for?

Deidara put a hand up. "I'll get it, un. Take a seat."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he was already nudging me towards the counter. I wasn't fragile, I didn't need to be fawned over like this. I sat down anyway and turned to stare at the wall, not pouting. You never really noticed how interesting the walls or floors became when you were trying to distract yourself. The only sounds in the room were Deidara cooking, but they weren't enough to keep my mind from wandering. The paths my thoughts threatened to head down were unlit and frightening. Once you wandered into the darkness, it was so very hard to find the way back. You couldn't see the broken pavement, the dips and cracks that threatened to trip you into holes you might never crawl out from.

Thankfully, Deidara came to my rescue, setting a bowl in front of me and snapping my attention back. "Oh, thanks," I murmured. I hadn't been hungry, I'd thought, but as soon as the smell of rice wafted towards me, my stomach rumbled. Deidara had turned away from me, only humming in response to my thanks. I ate, but I hardly tasted it, unable to shake the feeling that Deidara seemed…annoyed. Was he annoyed with me? Were they all going to treat me different, now? Was it my fault, was everyone angry with me for needing to be rescued again?

When could I start protecting myself again?

It was my own fault. It was naïve to think I had friends here, but despite it all, I'd come to trust Deidara. He was one of the few people to not take advantage or have an ulterior motive, and unlike Tobi, I could have a real conversation with Deidara. He was genuine, and although sometimes as volatile as his bombs, he was kind enough to me. He was real, he was something to ground me. I appreciated Deidara, even cared for him, and the thought of him turning on me made my stomach turn. Selfish? Maybe.

A voice called for Deidara suddenly, making him glance up. He shot me a quick look, brows furrowing. "Go, I'll be fine," I assured him, even offering a smile to seal the deal. Deidara hesitated still, but the voice called again, this time more impatient. Sighing, he scowled and left the kitchen. I suspected it was Sasori, but I wasn't quite familiar enough with him to recognize his voice. Sasori didn't really talk to me, and when he did, it was curt, usually directing me in organizing his room. Though, it wasn't often he let me in, only when he seemed to be distracted, lost in the disarray of tiny tools and pieces. He was the one who made my collar though, and he occasionally checked to ensure it was working fine. I resented him a bit for that, despite knowing it wasn't his order.

I washed my dish, and with a dejected sigh, decided it would be best to just go back to the bedroom. I didn't know how long Deidara would be. The thought of being cooped up didn't appeal to me, but when I considered returning to my usual work, the idea alone wore me out. I wasn't quite back yet, it felt like. I felt sluggish and weary, and frankly, I'd like to just curl up in bed again and pretend I was somewhere else. Hiding had never suited me, and it really pissed me off that I was turning to that now of all times.

Still, I didn't have a lot of options, so I took my leave. Right as I was heading out of the entryway though, someone stepped in my way and blocked me. The shadow engulfed me as I stumbled back. I looked up, my apology freezing on my lips and all but sealing them shut.

Kisame's grin was wide. "You finally decided to show your face again?" he asked, condescending as he snickered. My gaze was drawn to his teeth, and I reached up subconsciously to the spot on my neck where he'd bitten me, despite knowing there was no mark there anymore. I could almost feel it beneath my fingertips, bloody, searing. My tongue was too heavy suddenly, and I swallowed instead of talking. I couldn't bear to look into Kisame's face, so I stared down, all but tasting my heartbeat. Please leave, please leave, please leave me alone.

I had nothing. I'd been stripped of everything, all my means of fighting, of keeping myself safe, and Kisame already knew, he'd already seen me at my weakest. The collar stole my chakra, it inhibited me from tapping into the energy my kind were born with. I yearned for it. Even in the beginning, when Hidan first put the collar on, I could feel static just beneath my fingertips. It was my right, it was mine, and I'd lost it. I was nothing without my element. I was by no means a real kunoichi, I'd never had formal training, but I grew up in a harsh and hostile environment that left you no choice but to learn how to defend yourself, and you'd better do it fast. I'd been taught a few things under the table, and I studied from afar. I wasn't helpless, I wasn't—but Hidan had made sure I was.

I pinned my ears down when Kisame took a step forward, prompting me to take a step backwards. No, don't come close, stay away. I turned to look beside me, searching in vain for something to throw, something to distract him. Kisame snorted. "You're like a god damn puppy, scared of her own shadow," he spoke coldly, almost like he was disgusted despite the amusement in his eyes.

Before I could so much as flinch, his arm shot out, and he buried his fingers in my hair. I screamed as he shoved me down, my knees cracking against the ground. I hoped to god someone heard me. I shouldn't have left, I should have stayed in my cage, I should have hidden away.

Why should I have to?

I clawed at Kisame's wrist, digging in my nails until I felt blood dripping down my fingers. He hissed, but it was followed by a laugh. "You're pathetic. A worthless whore who can't fight back," Kisame mocked.

"You're attacking someone who can't fight back, and you're calling me pathetic?" I spat with a derisive laugh, glaring up at Kisame with swelling rage. Kisame let go of me, but before I could move, his open palm cracked across my face. My head bounced off the floor as I toppled sideways, blood bursting in my mouth. I threw my arms up to block another hit. Adrenaline was beginning to shoot through my veins, like a trigger pulled. I had to run, I had to fight. Kisame wanted to hurt me, he wanted me to break. I couldn't. I wouldn't

I shoved myself up, right in time to get out of the way of the foot he aimed for my ribcage. He shoved his arm out towards me, and I crashed against the wall with an echoing thud. My bones rattled and I spat at Kisame, saliva tinged pink. He loomed above me, and I glared right into his yellow eyes that glimmered with cruelty. He was getting off on this, wasn't he? "Go ahead and cry again," he sneered.

I beat my hands against his chest to shove him back away from me, and he stumbled. Only a step at the most, but it was something, and that was all I wanted. "Get away from me! You're never going to touch me again!" I shrieked, far too angry for anything quieter. I spat blood into Kisame's face, and he growled, certainly no longer laughing. He swung a fist back, and I shut my eyes to brace for the impact.

Instead of hearing my own skull crack, though, I heard a thundering boom, and I stumbled back into the wall from the force in front of me. I cried out in shock, my ears ringing as my eyes popped open to find Kisame several feet away from me instead of towering over me. He had fallen to the floor, and his shirt was singed. Looking closer, it looked like his chest had been burnt as well.

"Get the fuck out of here, yeah." Deidara's voice was colder than steel, and twice as sharp as he made the command. The smoke began to clear, and I almost smiled as I saw Deidara standing in the entryway, his body rigid as a bowstring.

"Or you'll what, kid?" Kisame rasped. Deidara bared his teeth, the expression a touch too manic to be called a smile. I watched him flick his wrist, a pristine, beautiful white bird sailing from his grasp. As soon as it reached Kisame, it exploded in a burst of color, so bright it made me wince. I had the forethought to cover my ears that time, but it did little to muffle the resounding boom.

I didn't stop to look at the damage the bomb might've done to Kisame. I bolted forward, straight out of the room, and I didn't stop until I was back to my own room. Deidara had followed right behind me, and when I reached the safety of the bedroom, I stumbled to lean against the closest wall, out of breath, dizzy…but standing. Deidara was at my side by the time I'd next blinked, his hands hovering like he was worried about touching me. "Are you hurt?" he asked, his gaze bouncing across me.

Still panting, I shook my head, before a broad smile lit up my face. No, I wasn't. Deidara straightened a little, looking surprised. I was a little surprised, myself. Leaning up, I threw my arms around Deidara and hugged him tight. It was a very intimate thing to do, not something I would've ever done, save for someone like Tobi. Deidara had saved my life, I had no doubt that Kisame wanted me dead. He'd gotten what he wanted earlier, Kisame was just too willing to go too far, too attracted to suffering. I didn't want to know what he'd have done had Deidara not stepped in for me.

Deidara's arms rested around my waist as we stood for a second, while I was beginning to catch my breath. I could still feel the singe of adrenaline, but I didn't mind it. I was grateful for it, it proved I was still there, I was still me. I was still willing to make it.

I wasn't going to go down without one hell of a fight.

* * *

I didn't have the fucking time for this, but Pein was determined to waste every damn second of it anyway. I crossed my arms as he observed me, like I was a fucking experiment to pick apart. "Just fucking answer me, yes or no?" I snapped, it wasn't a fucking complicated request. Pein's eyes had narrowed when he'd heard it, but he hadn't said a damn word. Now he was probably just fucking spiting me.

"You do realize what you're asking, Hidan?" Pein asked, the stupid prick. Why the fuck did he think I'd asked in the first place?

"I wouldn't have fucking come here to begin with if I didn't," I said, impatient and growing more pissed off. I wasn't the only reason Amaya had needed a cap on her chakra, it was Pein. If anyone came into the base who had chakra, possessed any skill as a shinobi, it had to be locked so they couldn't pose a fucking threat. I couldn't do anything unless this asshole granted it. He'd pay for that fucking arrogance one day, and it wouldn't be by me.

Pein closed his eyes and stood, heaving a sigh as if I'd just asked the fucking world of him. Just stop avoiding the question, asshole. He looked up at me with a steely gaze. "If you truly believe you can keep her under control, if you don't consider her a threat, I'll allow it." He held up a hand when I opened my mouth, the prick. "Keep a close eye on her. At the first sign of insolence, I trust you to handle it."

What the fuck did he think I was? "Whatever," I muttered, turning on my heel to get the fuck out of that creepy ass room. "Thanks, jackass!" I said with a wave over my shoulder. That was all I'd fucking needed, now I had one more stop. From somewhere in the base, I heard an explosion, and I rolled my eyes. That fucking brat of a terrorist was going to blow the entire Jashin-damn place to hell, and we'd probably be inside when he did.

I rapped my knuckles against the puppet bastard's door. "Oi, it's me, I need your fucking help," I called through the door. Several seconds passed, probably while he debated even answering, the bitch. Either that, or he hadn't oiled those damn joints. Finally, the door opened to show the scowling puppet. I leaned in the doorway so he wouldn't get the chance to shut the fucking door on me.

"What do you want this time?" he asked, voice sharp with annoyance. Too fucking bad if he'd been busy, this was more important.

"It's the collar," I said, and he arched a brow. "I need you to modify Amaya's collar, I need to be able to control her chakra. Can you fucking do it or not?"

Sasori took a moment. "You want her to be able to access it?" he asked, as if I hadn't spoken fucking plainly.

"Yeah, but everything else stays the same." I couldn't risk her losing her fucking mind, and I knew she'd get an inch and take a mile if she could. She needed to be able to fight, to protect herself, but I couldn't let her go too far. Pein would kill her before she even got to the fucking entrance of the base. I doubted she'd be able to do fucking much even being unrestricted, but it was better than nothing. I wasn't going to leave her fucking defenseless again, if I couldn't kill them, I was going to fucking unleash her instead.

"I'll see what I can do. Give me an hour," Sasori said, and shut the fucking door even when I was right there. I swore at him through it, but I doubted he gave a fuck. At least he didn't care enough to be too damn nosy.

Satisfied, I left to go back to my room. I hoped I knew what the fuck I was doing. I knew next to nothing about what the bitch was actually capable of, the files that sleazy fuck at the compound had on her were all but useless, and she'd never talked about a past as a shinobi. All I knew was that she'd had chakra, and that meant she was capable of fucking something, however worthless it might be. She needed some way to fight back, even if her bite didn't match her bark. She was sure fucking spiteful enough for it. No one else was going to fucking touch her.

At that thought, I jerked to a stop, and shut my eyes with a pissed off groan. I had to fucking stop that shit. I wasn't worried about her, she was just another bitch.

I just wasn't fucking done with her, yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Oh, y'all ready to fucking rumble?
> 
> (Obligated warning: I made this OC when I was, like…twelve. She's my first character, and I love her, but she's undergone a lot of change, and in the beginning, she was a bit…tropey. Her upcoming revelation is going to be evidence of that, and I'm sorry for that, but I still think it's fucking wicked lmao, come at me mary-sue haters)
> 
> Old Note (I combined two chapters, so there are two separate chapter notes here):
> 
> First Note: Violence… I had a craving. And we all knew Hidan was pissed. Something just had to be done. I apologize so much for this being so short, I swear I won't take too long on another chapter, I just had to write out something with Hidan and couldn't think of much!
> 
> You know what's weird, guys? I know how this is going to end. I have for a while. Unless something drastic happens to make me wildly change my mind. But at the same time, I feel like we're far away from the end… There's other stuff that I must put in and how to lead up to the ending, and frankly… I don't want this one to end. *Chuckles* I've gotten attached to it, it's the longest ongoing story I've written, it has an insane amount of reviews and everyone has been so nice!
> 
> Second Note: Honestly I always made Deidara the villain in my stories and I kinda like taking the kinder side of his personality and expanding on it.
> 
> dbzcat: I just have to reply to you and say thank you because I hate writing battle scenes and stress over them and any tiny positive feedback I get for them just makes me overjoyed, so I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing!
> 
> TheGirlWithNoIQ: I've been meaning to reply to you; thanks for your constant support on this story and everywhere else I see you review! You're so sweet! Hugs to you!
> 
> Scarletknight17: I'm so happy you like Amaya. It means the world! I liked your suggestion and actually gave serious thought to it, thank you!
> 
> MzPearlz: Bro you're just everywhere and you're so amazing with your support for my writing. You mean the world with all of your help and supportive words!
> 
> Refrigerator-Burn: I'm overjoyed you like this story so much, thank you for the support. Yes, I feel I could take this quite a long ways, though at the same time I don't want to exhaust it. We shall see where it takes us. :)
> 
> I replied to the reviews for last chapter because well, they all really made me happy! And it's late and I'm half in some other dream world, so I'm just really happy and talkative.


	19. Chapter 19

I let go of Deidara and he stared at me in surprise, perhaps wondering if I'd been concussed. "You're sure you're okay, yeah? I'm sorry I left you, I didn't—"

"Deidara," I said, cutting him off. "It's not your fault. I don't want anyone to have to babysit me." I'd rather suffer the consequences than be made someone's burden. I wanted to be able to take care of myself. I wanted the entire fucking world to tremble beneath my feet. I wasn't a doll, I wasn't broken…I wasn't a fucking slave. I was Amaya, and I was pissed off, and I wasn't going to take this fucking shit anymore. "But thank you, thanks for being there right when I need it."

Deidara offered a lazy half smile and a shrug, as if to say it wasn't a big deal when it was huge, especially to me. Before either of us could say another word, someone else came through the door, prompting me to turn to the side. It was Hidan, and he looked frustrated—when wasn't he angry at something or another, though? I'd be more worried if he wasn't.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Hidan asked, having paused when he realized Deidara was in the room. Deidara's gaze turned to ice.

"You're lucky I was here, un," Deidara remarked coolly. "Kisame cornered her in the kitchen." Deidara stopped after that, but his lips were pursed tight, as if he had to resist the urge to say anything else. Deidara had never seemed to get along with Hidan, but he seemed especially hostile ever since… I shook it off. Deidara didn't really get along with anyone, aside from his partner…and me, I guess. Konan would've counted, but I doubted she had problems with any of them, being the second in command.

Hidan cast me a look that lasted a second longer than it should have. As if he could have cared if Kisame had hurt me. If he did, it was superficial, something akin to a child throwing a tantrum over someone else breaking their doll. "Whatever." Hidan waved a hand. "Get the fuck out."

Deidara scoffed. "I might not want to, un. You obviously aren't going to keep an eye on her," he said, putting a hand on his hip. Startled by that display, I found myself inching backwards, hoping to get out of the immediate range. I knew what happened when Hidan got annoyed enough, and I'd just found out what happened when Deidara was pushed, too. I didn't want to get caught in that crossfire. Fuck, Hidan, could you move out of the doorway for me?

Hidan's look could have incinerated Deidara if he were a lesser person. Storming forward, Hidan shoved the blond towards the door. "Fuck off, you fucking waste of space," he snapped.

I winced, but Deidara immediately moved his arms like he was about to shove Hidan back, only to pause. He cut his single eye towards me, only for a split-second, but something seemed to click as I watched his brows unfurrow. A smirk spread on Deidara's lips, and he held his hands up. "If it's so important to you," he drawled lazily. He saluted me with a grin. "See you later, Amaya," he said, before turning on his heel and leaving us alone. I blinked, taken aback and finding it out of character, but before I could really process it, my gaze was drawn towards Hidan again.

Hidan glowered after him, and I thought for a moment he might decide to follow and continue the fight. Luckily, he slammed the door shut, apparently not deeming it worth the effort. He brushed past me on the way to his desk, muttering under his breath about something…someone. I wished he'd kept it under his breath. "You can't fucking stay out of trouble, can you?" he asked. I clenched my hands tight. The words had hit something soft.

"What do you want me to do? I had to eat," I said, my nails digging into my palms. "I'm not going to stay here forever and hide like a coward!" Never, and to hear Hidan say something like that, like it was my fault? "You can't just lock me away!"

Hidan paused. It was barely noticeable, not even a second, but it had happened. He resumed writing whatever he'd been working on, as if he'd never stopped. "So you'd rather get yourself killed instead of just staying here like I fucking said?" he asked, but the inflection hardly made it sound like a question. He knew me, he already knew.

You know what? I wasn't afraid to die, that wasn't what I was afraid of right now. There was something way bigger at stake for me, now. I was afraid of people like Kisame winning. "Yes," I snapped. "I'm not going to let him take everything away from me! He's taken enough, I've had it! He doesn't get to take everything—I won't let him!" I was screaming, I could hear my voice echoing, but I couldn't stop it. "I'm not going to be afraid, I'm not going to run away! I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of not fighting!" My voice cracked, but I convinced myself it was from pure rage.

Hidan turned on me with a hard gaze, and I couldn't tell what it meant, if he didn't believe me, if he didn't trust me. "If you don't want him to fucking win, then don't let him take your fucking life, dumbass!" Hidan raised his voice too, and that made me want to scream even louder. "If you try to fight him, he'll just fucking kill you. You think you're gonna be able to fight if you're dead? You think you'll make a fucking difference, dead?" Hidan ran a hand through his hair, exasperated, like I was a child giving him a hard time. I'd long since stopped being a child. Everyone here had their fucking childhoods ripped away, or they'd sold them themselves.

That realization jarred me a bit, and I thought of Deidara. We'd both been forced here, but were we really so different in a place full of outcasts, the dangerous, those with nowhere left to go? Everyone here was someone searching for a place to be themselves or to suit their needs. Even Hidan had a reason for being here, he found freedom here in a way he wouldn't in any village. Besides, what better place for someone who sought chaos? This was home.

It was my home, now.

I had to fight for it, for myself.

"I'm not going to live afraid of someone in my own home. I'm not going be locked away!" I argued. "He's taken so much—I can't let him take my freedom, I can't let him make me afraid. He's taken all he's going to get, please—don't let him take anything else!" My voice began to taper into something quieter, and I shut my eyes, my eyelids having grown heavy. What meager freedom and control I had, what pride I had, it was not Kisame's. I wasn't going to let that happen. Hidan was far from the person I should plead with, but I found myself doing so anyway, even knowing he'd never protect me. Hidan was not my savior.

When I opened my eyes, I was startled by Hidan's eyes on me, his gaze boring into me as silence hung in the air. His eyes only got like that when he was either very, very angry, or when he'd just finished with a ritual, still filled with adrenaline and emotion. His rituals were something that brought Hidan peace, despite the gruesomeness of it. Ever since the day he'd carved the symbol into my wrist, I'd understood it had been a ritual of sorts, only lacking the sacrifice of a life. Hidan's rituals didn't always involve sacrifice of life, but sometimes simply sacrifice of blood and pain. It was devotion.

With the symbol now a part of me, the religion felt a part of me, too. I'd never been religious, I'd never subscribed to the belief of any god, but to think there was one out there that would protect you? That could give you gifts like Hidan's? I didn't agree with everything Hidan did or said, the religion itself was raw and terrifying, but to see Hidan survive things no one else could, to see his eyes light up when he spoke about Jashin…it was something else, otherworldly. I had experienced demons, why could a god not exist, too?

Why could I not be protected, too?

I was lost in Hidan's eyes, and I never heard him talking until he was right in front of me. "Are you fucking deaf now?" he asked, and I jumped.

"That might be better," I mumbled drily, beginning to cool down from the inferno I'd been moments before. That was a bit dramatic, but I was a bit dramatic. Hidan snorted and rolled his eyes at my comment, and I almost smiled. I was startled by the tugging at my lips. It'd taken a long time to see that, to reach this point where Hidan didn't lash out when I spoke out. Nothing was the same from when I had first met him, neither of us were the same, were we?

He took ahold of my arm then, and began to lead me out of the door. "Come on," he muttered, letting go of me like he fully expected I'd follow. My shoulders sagged, weary, but I didn't much favor the option of him coming back to get me himself. I followed, hurrying to catch up. Hidan tended to forget I was smaller than him, and he never waited up, and I'd not give him a reason to.

"Where are we going?" I asked, trailing behind him perhaps a bit too close. I couldn't shake the feeling of unease when I was outside the room, but I was determined to rip its claws out of me and leave it in the dust.

"You'll fucking find out," Hidan said, childishly, to my equally childish immense annoyance. I huffed and crossed my arms. I really didn't care for surprises.

I was growing antsy by the time Hidan stopped and I realized where he'd led me; it was Sasori's room. All the doors looked the same, but after so long I was more than familiar with my way around. Hidan knocked, and I itched to know what Hidan could possibly want with Sasori. When the normally stoic man opened the door with a scowl on his face, I couldn't help but wonder why Sasori would have agreed to have anything to do with Hidan in the first place.

Sasori happened to glance at me, and his face lost some of its tension. "What now?" he asked, and I started to suspect I hadn't been let in on something.

"The idiot can't keep herself out of trouble, is it ready yet?" Hidan asked impatiently. I resented that.

Sasori sighed, but he moved away and left the door open, inclining we follow. "What do you—" My question went unanswered and interrupted when Hidan shoved me into the room. I whipped around to glower at him as he followed me in. "Are you gonna tell me what's going on?" I snapped.

"I said you'd fucking find out, didn't I? Now shut up and pay attention." Hidan looked behind me, and I turned to find Sasori approaching me, something glimmering in his hands. I looked down to find a collar, almost identical to the one I already wore. Sasori reached for my neck, and with a faint pop, an intense pressure, the collar came off. A wave of dizziness overwhelmed me, my body shocked by the sudden energy. Instead of being able to use any of it, I found myself lost in the delirium, my senses overcome and shutting down, including my ability to stand. "Catch her," I distantly heard Sasori say, before my vision went black and I began to sink. Instead of feeling the ground thunking against my head, a strong grip wrapped around my waist, sparing me the accident.

I groaned, half-conscious at best and losing that fast. I could hear voices, but it sounded like they were speaking underwater. I couldn't even tell the men apart. What was happening? Had Sasori poisoned me? Had the collar been keeping me alive and now I was dying? That was a stupid notion, but I wasn't feeling very up to logical thought. I felt something return around my throat, and my insides twisted again with fresh feeling. My body wasn't ready for all of that. I tried to reach up to touch my neck, but my body wouldn't cooperate, like there was a disconnect between it and my brain. It was like a dream where I couldn't move, I could only watch myself struggle.

My head tilted back as I began to float. Or, it felt like, my feet were no longer on the ground, at least. Unless I'd just lost feeling in them. I became aware of my senses battling to regain use, and though Sasori's voice was grainy, I heard bits and pieces. "She'll be fine, she'll come down soon. Her body has to adjust," he said, and despite hearing him, I didn't make any sense of it.

I blinked my eyes open when I began to move, and found myself looking up at Hidan's face. He was staring ahead, and I realized I hadn't floated; Hidan had picked me up, and now he was walking. Blurs of light flashed past, until the familiar walls of the bedroom came into focus. It was so surreal, everything was blobs and vague shapes. If this experience had a street name, it'd sell big time.

I was in the air for a moment, and I briefly panicked, feeling like I was about to fall miles to an unseen ground. Instead, I landed on something soft that bounced beneath me. Bed? …Bed.

I blinked owlishly, my skin tingling as I struggled to regain control of my body and to clear my head, but both those attempts slipped through my fingers like sand. Maybe if I just shut my eyes for a second. I did just that, intending to try moving again. Instead, I didn't open my eyes again. I couldn't, and within moments, I was gone, dreams filled with shadows and voices, and blobs of color that were a vibrant violet.

* * *

"Hey. Hey!"

My head throbbed, and I groaned, turning away from the voice. My entire body was tingling, like something just beneath my skin was coming alive.

"Wake the fuck up!" Hidan shouted, and I yelped as I fell from the bed. I leapt off the floor hardly before I'd fully landed, looking around the room before understanding where I was. Hidan stood beside the bed he'd just shoved me out of, hands on his waist. I rubbed at my forehead, another groan rumbling in my chest as I sat heavily on the bed. What was that?

That had been one hell of a trip that I never wanted to go on again. I'd never been so grateful to have tangible reality back. "What happened?" I asked, rubbing spots from my eyes.

"You acted fucking drunk," Hidan said, to which I laughed sarcastically. Thanks, it took a lot of talent to act drunk while never taking a single sip. I leaned back with my eyes closed, basking in the odd sensation burning inside of me. It wasn't pain, it wasn't pleasure, it was simply…different. Something was different than it had been before, something had changed, but it felt familiar, homely, like something coming back to me after a long separation. Maybe an effect of whatever Sasori had done? Wait, what _had_ he—

My eyes snapped open. My hands flew up to my throat, where I found the collar still in place. I could've sworn I'd felt Sasori take it off. I shot an accusatory look at Hidan. "Somethings different, it's the collar, isn't it? What did you do?"

Hidan smirked and turned his back on me, heading for the door. He paused at it, hesitating so briefly I thought I might've imagined it.

"I'm sick of you getting into shit all the time. At least this way, you can be of some fucking use. I had Sasori make a different collar," he said, hardly explaining anything at all and leaving me even more frustrated. A collar was a collar. What was so different about it?

"Come here and you'll find out," Hidan said, startling me, as I hadn't realized I'd said that out loud. I looked up to find him staring at me with impatience, and I stood up, but there was hesitation. I had no shortage of suspicion; this could be a trap, a ploy to try out some sick new trick, though Hidan wasn't really the type for planning things out like this.

Hidan muttered a Yuga swear under his breath before reaching out, his fingers encircling my wrist and dragging me out of the room. "I'm getting sick of getting dragged around with no idea what's going on!" I snapped, but I didn't bother trying to tug my arm free. Hidan didn't deign me with a response, and he never loosened his grip as he led me outside, the unwelcoming humidity from a recent rain had made the air sticky and heavy.

Hidan let me go with a push forward. His imposing presence behind me encouraged me to keep going, and we traveled quite a ways into the dense forests that surrounded the base. Jesus, how did any of them ever find their way back? I felt lost only two feet in. Every direction you turned in, there was nothing but a canvas of emerald foliage, even above you. There were brief breaks in the branches that allowed for spots of sunlight to peek through, shyly illuminating parts of the forest. I kept having to duck or shove branches and bushes out of my way, growing more anxious the farther we delved into the terrible maze.

When I was fed up with the sudden adventure, I made it clear. "That's it. What the hell are we—ow!" I yelped in surprise when Hidan shoved me forward out of nowhere, the force making me stumble and lose balance. I hit the mossy forest floor on my knees, and I turned around to scowl up at Hidan.

He leaned in close to my face, his eyes narrowed as he spoke through grit teeth. "Stay."

With that simple, single order, Hidan walked past me and left me in the meager clearing. It looked like someone had carved a little corner out of the forest, a cozy spot to rest. I felt far from relaxed, though, as I turned to watch Hidan leave, a bit appalled. He'd never done that before, he'd never let me out of his sight. If he was going to leave me here, that was a very lackluster way to get rid of me, I'd almost be offended. Perhaps he'd simply not wanted to leave me alone back at the base when he needed to come out here; after all, we all knew how much of a magnet for trouble I was, huh?

I picked myself up off the ground and angrily brushed myself off. I'd never find my way back without Hidan, and I didn't much fancy the idea of being left out here for hours with nothing to do except stare at the same tree. That jackass. Some part of me, a whispering, gnawing thing, suggested it might be a good thing he had left. If he intended to abandon me, it was a chance to run, wasn't it? A chance to escape? I'd wanted that ever since he had taken me. I should be grateful if he left and never came back. I didn't need him.

_Snap._

The sound of a branch cracking to my left was as loud as an explosion in the silence of the forest. I froze, my eyes widening at the unmistakable noise. I crouched down on one knee to make myself smaller, less liable for someone to see me. At first, I had hoped it was nothing but an animal, but those hopes were soon dashed. Footsteps, heavy and purposeful, were heading towards me, crunching grass beneath their weight. It couldn't be Hidan, he'd never sneak up on me. Although, whoever it was, they weren't too worried about being quiet.

Perhaps they were lost and didn't understand the danger they were in, the proximity to the base of the Akatsuki. I grappled with what I had to do; Hidan had vanished and left me on my own, like a fucking dumbass. Had he not thought other people would use the forest? Shinobi used forests to travel all the time, and I doubted whoever was coming towards me was going to be a friendly civilian. I wasn't so lucky. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I struggled to come up with a plan. Should I run? No, they'd hear me and certainly give chase. Should I scream, hide? No, it'd only attract more attention, and the clearing was too barren. There was no out, no over. I was going to have to go through. Even if it killed me, at least I could die kicking, and wouldn't it drive Hidan crazy to miss that chance himself?

I heard the first man before I saw him, his gruff voice breaking through the leaves before a burly figure followed. "It's a fucking kid. What's a little girl like you doing way out here?" he asked sharply. I didn't answer, staring at him like a wild animal caught in a light.

Two other men followed behind the apparent leader, all of them looked greasy and scruffy, as if they had been traveling for weeks. They must be rogue, missing-nin with nowhere to go. That made them even more dangerous; rogue shinobi lived by no rules, and often their only goal was to get by using any means necessary. I was a bit fast on my judgment, but when I watched a lecherous smile spread on the thinner, weasel-like man's face, I didn't doubt my first impression had been on the mark.

I began to back up a few steps, but a voice from behind me made my heart leap up into my throat. "Where do y'think you're going, sweetheart?" I whirled around with a sharp breath, having never noticed the fourth shinobi until he was already there. This one had certainly taken all of the stealth in the group.

"She ain't look familiar, never seen her around here…" the first man said, crossing his thick arms as he scrutinized me.

Beside him, his wiry friend grinned, his eyes round with a vicious excitement. "She's gotta be another rogue. Maybe she's got a bounty! Even if she doesn't, we can still get something out of her…"

Ah, no.

The four men began to spread around the clearing, circling me. I swore under my breath as my gaze darted between them. Would it be better to stall for Hidan, if he was even coming back at all? No, no, I didn't have the time. I had to make a choice and I had to make it fast. As adrenaline began to surge, that familiar, tingling feeling began to spark at my fingertips again. It was as if static was breaking across my skin.

_You feel it, don't you?_

Feel it? I don't have time for this!

_You have to focus. It's been a long time._

I was starting to panic a little bit. They were getting closer, their smiles wide and their eyes merciless, they were out for their own gain alone, nothing but selfish men with greedy intentions. My blood began to boil with anger and determination. I was sick of people stealing from me, I was tired of people who thought they could take everything they wanted, the world did not belong to people like this…I did not belong to people like that. Energy crackled at my fingertips suddenly, a startling feeling, and the realization snapped into clarity. The collar—it wasn't restricting me, anymore. Had that been what Hidan meant? Had he done this so I could fight and protect myself? Had he finally gotten sick of coming to my rescue, on cleaning up the messes I always got into?

Oh, I could make a much bigger mess, now.

My gaze shot up when the leader of the rogue group spoke again. "Make it quick." He reached and pulled a kunai from his belt, the silver shimmering like a predator's teeth. I shut my eyes and filled my chest. It had been so long, too long, could I even control it? What if I lost it?

I clenched my hands and, as if I had never lost it, I felt electricity shooting down my arms and crackling through my veins. I had to try. This was the only thing that was mine. I opened my eyes again.

_Light them up._

It felt like fire searing up my arm, ricocheting through my body like a stray bullet, but the pain was familiar—there was a home here for me, and in feeling it, something came roaring to life. The clearing lit up in blurry blue as lightning crackled from my fingertips, and I thrust my arm to the side. The nearest tree trunk exploded into splinters as it was struck by electricity that was wild and starved. I listened as the men shouted and whooped in surprise, and I didn't have time to pretend I had this all under control. I was only a vessel for this fucking thing, the electricity controlled me, not the other way around. You could not harness lightning, you could only kneel before it and hope for the god damn best, and that was exactly what I was doing. As I had always done.

I spun around with a high kick to the nearest rogue's throat, and when he went down, I was on top of him like a famished wolf, ripping the kunai from his grasp. Seeing his expression morph from glee to horror roused something monstrous inside me, but it didn't matter, these men were far from saints and I was far from merciful. I plunged the kunai down into the man's throat, and when I wrenched it out, blood spurted across my front, wet and warm.

A sharp pain sliced into my torso then, and I cried out as the hooked weapon carved a chunk from me. The one from before, the sneaky one with the dark hair. I'd had enough of him sneaking up on me. I rolled from the still-convulsing corpse and got to my feet, straightening my fingers and listening as an electric sizzle filled my ears. They were ringing, my vision filled with blinding light as I swung my arm forward. My hand pierced the poor bastard's chest like a knife through butter, and I felt my stomach swoop at the feeling of his insides squishing, the feeling of his flesh cauterizing around my fingers. I yanked my hand back out through the hole in his chest, the gaping wound visceral and charred around the edge. The man spluttered, hacking blood all over his chin before he dropped like a rock, hopefully dead before hitting the ground.

Flickering silver passed right in front of my eyes as I bent backward to avoid the flurry of shuriken. Damn, it'd really been too long, my muscles protested the twists and turns as I dodged and bounced around the clearing. The smell of iron and burning wood filled my nostrils as sweat dripped down my temple. The men weren't skilled, they couldn't have been of very high rank. I wouldn't have stood a chance myself, being unaffiliated and half-trained at best. If anything, this was luck at its finest, and I was probably wasting it fast. One of the strongest things I had going for me was my pure spite. I was too stubborn to go down without being as annoying as possible about it.

I slammed my knee into my opponent's gut and felt something crunch, a sound I absolutely did not care for. The gore and violence never had appealed to me, but it wasn't a matter of what you wanted, it was a matter of staying alive. I couldn't get out of this by leaving these men alive. With a sharp twist, I backflipped over an encroaching enemy and watched as he collided with his partner. If I'd had the room to do it, I'd have criticized their teamwork. However, they'd put themselves right where I wanted them.

"Quick enough?" I asked, grinning as I swung my arms forward. A deafening crack of lightning illuminated the clearing, and the smell of singed flesh turned my stomach. I couldn't bring myself to look at the charred remains of whatever was left; as soon as my lightning had struck, I'd turned on my heel to run. I wanted to get as far away as I could as fast as I could, in case there were any others hiding. I was short of breath and shuddering violently, energy still crackling beneath the surface voraciously.

I screamed when someone jumped down from a tree right in front of me. I skidded to a halt and stumbled back, almost putting a hole right through the sudden intruder's chest. Luckily, I'd looked up right before making that rash decision, and I was met with scowling fuchsia. My once racing heart froze to a complete stop. I opened my mouth, but it was like there was a shield in front of me, blocking my voice.

"What the fuck was that?" Hidan's voice was low, and he glanced behind me, like he couldn't quite believe what was there.

Had he been watching that entire fucking time? Now wildly pissed off, I folded my arms. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked, before slowly catching on. "Wait, did you just set me up?" My voice sharpened with accusation, and I felt the niggling urge to actually put a hole through the bastard, if I could even raise my hand to him fast enough.

Hidan's glare never faltered as he turned it back to me. "What the fuck did you just do?" he asked again, speaking slower and emphasizing the curse. I was ready to throw a fit about him abandoning me to fight on my own, when the startling feeling of my chakra once again being drained overwhelmed me and made me sway to the side. I had to put a hand on the closest tree to steady myself, a bitter taste in my mouth. Of course it wasn't permanent, Hidan still had control over it. I'd known better, hadn't I? "Don't stand there like a fucking dumbass, what is it? Is it a Kekkei Genkai?"

He was steadily getting more aggressive, but I hardly had the chance to open my mouth before he was trying to answer his own question. "Give me a second," I griped, adjusting to the collar. Was I only going to be able to fight when Hidan was with me, watching? What about when he was gone? I had questions of my own, damn it.

"No, it isn't. I'm not human like you, I thought you'd figured that out by now," I snapped, maybe feeling a bit petty. "My kind is different, but you're onto something—the ability is kind of like when shinobi are born with Kekkei Genkai, I guess. Some of my people are born with something unique." I kept my explanation anemic, uncertain of how far into the history I should delve. My kind were called Ibrida, we were a species that populated the wilds, not tied to any village. We were closely connected with nature and worshipped the earth rather than a singular god. That was why it was believed my kind were gifted the elements, for our loyalty to nature. Hidan didn't get to know all that yet, though. "It's just what I am."

"That's a shitty answer," Hidan said, and I grinned.

"So was your answer when I asked about your immortality," I pointed out, all too happy to turn the tables. It always got to Hidan when I even sarcastically challenged his religion.

Hidan's jaw tightened, and I took a step away to put some distance between us, even knowing what little it'd do. "You dare question Jashin-sama?" he asked. His eyes were angry, but he tilted his chin, as if challenging me. Challenge accepted.

"Oh, I dare," I snapped back. I wasn't going to believe one, single god had created all of this, and I didn't think for a second a god that thrived on chaos was the same one who created life. Maybe Hidan was right, maybe something otherworldly did give him his gift, but really, I wasn't so sure it wasn't just a demon.

Hidan smirked darkly. With no warning, he swiped an arm out, knocking me to the ground and punching the air from my lungs. He dropped down over me, and I swung a fist that connected with his jaw. He snarled as his head snapped to the side, reaching out and slamming my arm down onto the ground. "Look at your fucking wrist, and tell me that again," he seethed at me. I had no choice but to look him in the eyes, willing my gaze alone to electrocute him. I cut my eyes to glance at the symbol etched into my skin, and the vivid, very permanent reminder spurred me into spiting him further.

"You're desperate to paint him everywhere because you know he isn't real," I said, yanking on my limbs to free myself from under Hidan, but I felt like a helpless animal caught in a trap. The jaws had snapped shut with me caught in them. Why was I doing this, why was I spiting Hidan like this? I had no place to denounce his god nor his faith, but Hidan had placed so little faith in me, maybe I wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine. How did it feel, to be doubted and ridiculed?

Something feral glimmered in Hidan's eyes as he lowered his face to mine, so close his breath fanned across my lips. "Why don't I just sacrifice you, and you can meet him yourself and beg him to forgive you?" he whispered, his words dripping venom. I was struck then, with absolutely no doubt, by the realization that if I was ever going to die, that was exactly how it was going to happen. I felt very small suddenly, as if I truly were being studied under the gaze of a vengeful god, trembling under the weight of such a thought. Hidan meant it, and somewhere far away, I could already see it happening, however unbidden that sight was.

"I'm going to fucking haunt you forever if you kill me," I told Hidan, harboring not a shred of doubt in my promise either. He blinked, and a chuckle rumbled in his chest. I didn't know how to feel about that. Hidan ducked his head against my throat, and I couldn't help a gasp when he sank his teeth into me, right at the tender juncture where my neck and shoulder met. His tongue was hot when it laved across the fresh wound, and wetness dripped down my shoulder. I shuddered, and he pulled away with a sadistic smile, his eyes tracing across my face. "What's the matter, you fucking scared, now?" he asked, but he didn't sound like it was serious.

It was my turn to laugh, but it was small and hollow. "Of you? Like hell," I murmured. I watched, unnerved as his smirk widened even further. Lying was a sin.

Hidan stood, but he was still for a moment, staring down at me like he was contemplating me. I didn't dare to so much as breathe, as if the movement might trigger him into something. Finally, he broke his gaze. "Come on, I'm not staying out here all fucking night," he grumbled, stepping over me. I dragged myself from the ground limply, reaching to gingerly touch the new wound on my neck. The twinges of pain made my eyelids flutter shut. I shouldn't pick fights with him, I never fucking won.

But sometimes, it felt like I did.

* * *

I knew she was a fucking witch. The entire fucking time she'd been hiding that, keeping it a secret? There wasn't a Jashin-damn mention of that shit in any of the files, the son of a bitch at the compound hadn't even said anything. Did he even fucking know about it, or was she hiding it from all of them? How do you keep a fucking secret like that? What in the fuck was she? I'd seen plenty of bullshit things, before. Jutsu that could peel your skin from your bones, Kekkei Genkai that could level a fucking village, and she was saying it wasn't any of that, it was something else entirely. It was a gift. An unexplainable, special gift like mine.

No, fuck that. People like her didn't get shit like that. Jashin would never bestow a heathen like her a power like that. There was something else going on, I fucking knew there was, but I didn't want to fucking ask. She was just going to dodge the questions again, with that stupid damn smile on her face. She'd been smiling a lot fucking more lately, the spiteful fucking bitch. Maybe Kakuzu would know about her—he was old as fuck, he was bound to have at least heard of her kind. What the fuck was she called, again? Had the paper even said? Fuck.

I could hear her muttering under her breath from somewhere behind me. "Shut up," I muttered, but I felt too lazy to put any conviction into it.

"Mind your own business," she snapped back without skipping a beat. I snorted. Trust her to still have a fucking attitude even after just getting put in the fucking corner. Guess what they said about cornered dogs being quick to bite were true. She resumed her incoherent mumbling, and I rolled my eyes. What the fuck did I have to do for this bitch to listen for once in her life? How did I get her to shut up?

Unbidden, I felt my lips twitch into a grin. I already knew the answer to that, one way to definitely knock the bitch down a bit. Besides, I wanted every fucking bit of that shark fuck off of her, including the fucking memory.

I reached up to rub at my forehead, hoping to ward off the incoming migraine. Was I finally losing my fucking mind? Was it all fucking getting to me, now? I was acting like I was attached to the fucking bitch. I didn't want anyone's fucking hands on her.

I came to a sudden stop in front of the base entrance, and cut my eyes to the side when I felt her run into my back, too lost in her own world like she always was. She swore with irritation, putting a hand against my back to steady herself.

I was losing my own fucking game to her.

When had she even become a player?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: I took this story so seriously the first time I wrote it, now I'm just finger-gunning my way through it. Granted, it's still one of my most important stories to me and it holds a very special place in my heart. It has the most reviews of all my works, people drew art of my OC, this really brought her to life. Plus, it's so much fun to sink into this story while writing, or even reading it. I really hope people enjoy it still, whether you happen to be rereading it and visiting memory lane, or if you're a new reader just joining!
> 
> Old Note (this time I combined three chapters, like a fool, and I was sitting here wondering why this chapter was so long lmao. So, three old notes):
> 
> First Note: Overjoyed that this story now has over one hundred reviews. Huge milestone here guys, and you're all a part of it! Thank you so very much!
> 
> Also I'm trying to put warnings on the long-term stories I'm writing; after August nineteenth, updates will be slower and perhaps far between, as I begin public school again after two years.
> 
> I actually wish Hidan would kidnap me so I wouldn't have to go.
> 
> Ne, Sasuke Neko, Deidara could kidnap you and we could both avoid school?
> 
> Second Note: Ah, I've wanted to write the moment she could finally fight. Some of you have been waiting/asking about it as well. I'll explain it fully next chapter.
> 
> Oh I don't recall mentioning this but if I did sorry; on my profile, go there and find links to two people who drew Amaya because they're awesome and kind people.
> 
> Third Note: We have alone time and I decided to fuck shit up with writing and loud music.
> 
> Rules? What are those?
> 
> GelberBlitz is an amazing person and drew Amaya! Link in profile!
> 
> XLilyChanX: Good luck with your story and thank you so much!


	20. Chapter 20

I wasn't pouting. I was hiding away in one of the lower level hidden rooms, avoiding my problem, but I was not pouting, I didn't pout. No, I got mad, and then I threw things, and I was trying to avoid that today. I didn't feel like cleaning up the mess. Thinking like that felt a little upside down, considering that had been my purpose in this place, but I hadn't done much of that ever since "the event" happened.

That was all I was willing to call my awful night with Kisame, and I'd rather avoid remembering it at all, but it had been a catalyst in the changes here. It had opened a gateway to freedom, a luxury I'd never tasted, but it was steadily growing into an addiction. I no longer went into the other rooms alone, I had largely kept to myself, exploring the base on my own and finding the best places to wallow inside my own head. That might've been a poor way to handle my feelings, but who the hell was going to judge me?

Of course, I still had to worry about Hidan, but he had avoided me the past few days, ever since he had permitted me the new collar that granted me the ability to fight. Hidan kept it capped most of the time, but if he wasn't at the base, he allowed a me a little more control. Never all of it, but even half was enough for me to feel safer. I would never dream of challenging anyone here, and I would never last in a real fight, but I didn't need to.

The collar was to offer me a chance at self-defense, and I had the element of surprise so far; a quick shock and it would afford me a chance to run, or a chance to attract Deidara's attention, or perhaps someone else. Not everyone in this place seemed to be as callous and cold as Kisame or Hidan. Even Hidan had taken me by surprise by his efforts with the new collar, promising me the opportunity to protect myself when he wasn't there. The idea of him even doing that when he _was_ there still felt like a foreign concept to me. Once upon a time, it had been Hidan who I'd needed protection from.

I wasn't going to make the mistake of believing it came from genuine concern. I wasn't an idiot—er, I wasn't an idiot every day. I also wasn't going to pretend I understood Hidan's motives either, that would drive me over the deep end faster than ever. Hidan was an enigma, despite seeming so simple. Every time I thought I'd gotten a step ahead, I blinked and suddenly I was ten steps behind.

I noticed that the room had grown dark out of nowhere, and when I glanced up I noticed the candle I'd brought down with me was nothing but a puddle now, and I'd never even noticed it fading. I didn't want to get lost in the dark down in the shadows, so I scraped myself out of my corner and slinked out of the room, vague annoyance bubbling in my chest as I pried myself from sanctuary.

Outside, it was quiet, a peace that tended to mean trouble was brewing. Trouble tended to have a familiar name. I turned the corner and bounced off someone's chest, a terrible habit I'd formed somewhere. The only thing that kept me from stumbling was a hand around my bicep. Startled, I looked up, and found my reflection in a sea of violet. Ah, there was trouble. I cut my eyes towards Hidan's hand. "Where the fuck have you been all day?" he asked, letting go of me.

"I'm surprised you even noticed I was gone," I said. After all, he'd seemed determined not to even be in the same room as me, lately. At night, he didn't come to bed. I sometimes woke up to the sound of him in the shower or at his desk working on a missions report, the dim torchlight illuminating the tense concentration on his face. He'd never noticed me staring, and by the time I would realize it myself, I had angrily rolled over.

"What the hell does that mean?" Hidan's eyes had narrowed. I scoffed.

"Can't you read between the lines? You've been avoiding me for three days," I said, putting my hands on my hips. "Are you finally done running away?" I didn't know why I said that. Hidan's attention was the last thing I needed, and at some point, I'd have done anything to avoid it. Maybe I was just trying to get a rise out of him. That in its own right was something just as stupid.

Hidan stared down at me, straightening as he watched me for a second. I lifted my chin defiantly, trying to feel even an inch taller. "You'd better watch your fucking mouth."

"Or what?" That was stupid, that was a stupid thing to say, Amaya. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't stop myself from goading him. This felt so familiar, so…scripted, like we were following lines just to get back to something we understood. We didn't know how to do it on our own.

Hidan's lip curled in a sneer, and for a second, I thought he might just storm off. Instead, in a moment that even he seemed to consider, he snatched me by the wrist and dragged me towards him. I hit against his chest and put a hand against broad muscle, scowling into his face. "I can't fucking stand you," he hissed, his voice low and sending a shudder down my back.

I swallowed as I looked up into his eyes, searching for something, but I didn't know what. Perhaps I should've been looking inside myself. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, instead of yanking myself away, kicking, I did something terrible. "Do something about it," I told him, dared him. The entire world seemed to shift upside down for a moment, and I felt like I was falling. It was wrong, it was all wrong, and the worst fucking part? I didn't care. Hidan was still for a moment, and I felt my breath was stuck in my chest.

He wrenched me forward without another warning, dragging me down the hallway, and my breath expelled from me in a gasp. Hidan burst into his room, I heard the door slam, and suddenly I was in the air. Hidan had thrown me towards the bed, my arm aching from the force. I hit the bed in a breathless heap, and I reached to push my hair back as I pushed myself up on one arm. "What the fuck is your problem?" I snapped.

Hidan was on top of me, heavy and hot as he pushed me into the mattress. My heart was in my throat, but when I reached for my fear, I grasped at straws. I'd never thought fear would've been a comfort. "You," he growled, the word rumbling in his chest. His mouth covered mine, swallowing any reply I might've had, but I'd forgotten how to speak anyway. My hands scrabbled at his chest, nails scraping down his bare skin, but it didn't much feel like I was trying to push him off.

Hidan bit at my lower lip, and I opened my mouth before he could draw blood. His tongue was hot against mine as he slipped it into my mouth, and I groaned, moving one of my hands to tangle it in his hair. I liked seeing it messy instead of the way he always kept it out of his face. Hidan's hands were insistent and impatient as they pushed at my shirt, tugging it up my belly. When it reached my chest and couldn't go any farther, rather than break the kiss, Hidan simply ripped the article right down the middle, the shreds falling to the side to expose my torso. I bit his lip in annoyance for yet another ruined shirt, and the taste of blood mingled with the kiss, drawing a moan from Hidan that went straight south.

I arched my back and pressed my chest against Hidan's, shuddering as the hardened peaks of my nipples rubbed against his warm skin. One of Hidan's hands went to the small of my back to pull me closer, while his other reached for my hair, grabbing a handful and pulling hard to tilt my head back. I broke the kiss and sucked in a sharp, greedy breath, the burst of pain as Hidan held my hair tight nothing short of enthralling. My relationship with pain was taking a sharp detour into a completely new road. It was unpaved, unexplored, terrifying…exciting.

He nipped at my jawline as he moved down, one calloused hand sliding up to move along my torso and up to my chest. I exhaled a breathless whine when he squeezed my breast, the pad of his thumb circling over the pebbled skin of my nipple. Hidan's lips smoothed down my neck, a hint of his teeth grazing against the sensitive skin. He let go of my hair and I felt him reach down, tugging at my bottoms. Spitefully, I pressed my thighs together, and smirked as I listened to him growl in frustration.

"Ah!" I yelped when Hidan bit, hard, and he lapped away the swell of blood just as it beaded. My head was getting cloudy, a warm haze wrapping around me like a shawl. My legs fell apart as Hidan slid away the last of my clothes, and try as I might to find embarrassment or modesty, that well had dried out. I wasn't the same person from the beginning. I raked my nails down Hidan's back as he kissed down to my chest, earning a throaty groan from him.

"You want it rough, mutt?" he asked, voice raspy and saturated in lust. "That why you keep being a fucking bitch?" Was there really any other way? Hidan's fingers circled around my wrists as he shoved them up over my head, keeping them pinned there with one hand despite my valiant attempts to yank them free.

"You son of a bitch," I hissed against Hidan's mouth, gifting him another nip and sucking his lip between my teeth. Hidan chuckled, the sound low and drawing a shudder from me. My skin tingled and burned as Hidan's lips smoothed down my marked throat again, until his mouth was at my breast and he nipped at one pink nipple. I yelped shrilly as pain flared from the peak of my chest, jumping under Hidan. He took my throbbing nipple into his mouth, his tongue hot as it soothed the ache, while he reached for my leg with his free hand.

He hiked my thigh up against his waist, settling between my legs as he pulled away from my chest. He turned his head against the soft, tender flesh of my inner thigh, and I groaned when he nipped a pink column of marks into me. My muscles trembled beneath Hidan's lips, and he opened his eyes, cutting them to the side to watch and smirk at me. I could feel how flushed I was, feel the way my chest was heaving, as if my heart couldn't stand it inside me anymore. It was so hot, unbearably so, I ached to relieve the heat and longing that had burgeoned inside me, very unbidden. I had no right to want this, I had no reason to want this—and there I was, splayed out in front of Hidan with not a word of protest on my lips.

Fuck, I'd really, finally lost it, and I had no urge to find it.

Hidan's cock was hot and thick against my leg as he slid closer to me, pressing himself against my core. My eyelids fluttered shut when he sunk into me, our voices mingling in a throaty sound as we both appreciated the feeling. I was slick, ready, and I didn't feel a twinge of discomfort like I'd somewhat expected. My body arched and my mouth opened, and above me, my hands clenched into fists, again trapped in Hidan's grasp. Hidan's breathing grew heavy, and he was still inside me for a moment, where I felt myself quivering around his cock. That surely didn't help his patience, of which I was surprised to find any at all.

A growl, nearly inaudible, staggered out of Hidan as he dug bruises into my thigh. He started to rock his hips into me, and I clenched around him. "Fuck," he groaned, scraping his nails down my torso and leaving thin red lines as he started to snap his hips even harder. The lewd sound of our hips snapping together was largely drowned out, and it was my fault. I couldn't shut my mouth, my voice pitching and rolling over moans as I dropped like a rock into the ocean forming beneath me. It'd been there quite a while, hadn't it? Growing from a drought into a tiny, insignificant puddle, until I was almost drowning in it.

I never knew I'd be able to breathe under the water.

Hidan ducked over me as he rocked his hips, his rhythm starting to stutter and become erratic. Inside me, there was a pressure blooming, a heat spreading from my belly that made my muscles start to tense up, like an elastic getting ready to snap. Hidan felt bigger inside me suddenly, hotter, and a startled cry spilled from my lips as the pressure inside me reached a breaking point. Bliss poured into my veins, making me tremble and whimper. I'd tried to hold back, failing miserably as I snapped under the onslaught of pleasure.

Hidan's mouth curved into a smirk at my shoulder, but I was so busy caught up in the roiling aftermath of my climax that I hardly noticed when he started to come, too. He shuddered, his grip on my wrists loosening as I slowly came to and recognized the hot splash inside me. Hidan didn't move at first, and we spent several moments still connected, his breath fanning across my neck while I was too reluctant to say anything. Eventually, he moved, getting off me and picking up his pants on his way to the bathroom. I was too sluggish to bother moving, myself, the aftershocks of pleasure still making me tremble and making my legs feel numb.

I hefted myself relatively upright, and upon looking down at myself, frowned at the marks speckled all over me. Scratches, hickeys, outright bites, bruises…they all painted my skin like a dark story, every grim detail. I pressed my fingers over the vivid bruise on my thigh, and winced at the fresh wave of pain that followed. I heard Hidan come out of the bathroom, but I barely had time to look up at him before he had slammed out of the bedroom. I blinked, baffled by his sudden change in mood even though it was hardly out of the ordinary. What had I done that time? He'd hardly seemed bothered a minute ago, for sure.

Whatever, Hidan's tantrums weren't my problem. Not right this instant, anyway. I slammed and grumbled my way through a quick shower, toweling my hair as I put on my typical night attire, though I added shorts whenever I went outside of Hidan's room. They were hidden beneath the length of the shirt, baring almost all of my legs and maybe giving the impression I didn't have them on at all, but it was for my comfort, no one else's. It wasn't as if anyone had ever commented, and I'd begun to drop my insecurities at the door.

I glowered at the bed, debating if I really wanted to strip the bed and do the laundry that night. I reasoned it was better than sleeping in a mess, or having to wake up early to do it, and ripped the bedclothes off. I replaced them and tossed the dirty ones into a basket, grabbing it and heading down to the wash. On my way back upstairs, I complained under my breath, but I wasn't quite sure if it was Hidan I was annoyed at. I was mostly angry at myself. I'd completely given into him, hadn't I? After everything that had happened, everything he'd done—I hadn't forgotten, I swore I hadn't. But…despite it…

"What are you muttering about, yeah?" I jumped at the sudden question, and I looked up at the couch to find Deidara looking at me, bemused. Jesus, I'd never even noticed him.

"Don't scare me like that," I chastised him as I took up a seat beside him. "You're up awful late, Tobi bothering you?"

Deidara opened his mouth to answer me, but Hidan happened to come in, and Deidara cut his gaze to the side to glance at him. I groaned under my breath and flopped my arm over my eyes, hoping to ignore the Jashinist.

A moment passed in silence before I felt the couch shift, and Deidara's weight leaned against me. His palm rested against my leg, and I moved my arm to glance at him with a raised brow. "You have nothing else to wear besides these shirts, un?" he asked, his voice oddly low.

Confused, I shook my head, though I was sure Deidara was already well aware.

Deidara sighed, rubbing his thumb against my skin. "I didn't think he'd let you. Not that I mind you wearing this, un," he flashed a smirk, but I noticed he wasn't looking at me, but to the side. Oh, he was drunk…definitely drunk. I was going to have to have a word with Sasori about watching Deidara better. I was pretty sure Sasori was the only other person to know about Deidara being gay, and he was also the only one likely to be annoyed with this bout of flirting, as pointless as it might've been.

I almost screamed when someone yanked me off the couch, only just catching myself before I tripped over my own feet. Hidan pushed me towards the corridor with a muttered order. "Go away."

I huffed indignantly. "I was here first!" I snapped, though it was a little childish…only a little. Hidan shoved me again, this time harder, but his gaze was set hard on Deidara instead of me. The blond sat with a lazy smile on his face, clearly not bothered. I stomped off, not too keen on getting caught up in whatever tantrum Hidan was about to throw, not this time. I couldn't help but feel like they were in on something though, something I was left out of. Deidara's smirk had been so conniving.

What the hell was I missing?

* * *

I was fucking ready to wipe that smirk off the shitty brat's face. Who the fuck did he think he was, putting his freaky fucking hands all over her like she was fucking his?

"Got a problem, Hidan?" Deidara asked, his voice drawling as he glanced down at his nails. He wasn't fucking slick, the Jashin-damned son of a fuck. It was a shame he hadn't blown himself the fuck up yet.

I snatched the front of his shirt and hauled him up, but he never dropped that fucking smirk. "You're my problem," I snapped, "stop running around like a shameless fucking slut." Deidara thought because he was pretty everyone was gonna fucking want him? He wouldn't be so pretty with that fucking smile carved out of his face.

Deidara reached for his pocket then, and I shoved him back, where he cracked into the wall behind him. He grunted, but that insufferable smile was back in place within seconds. "You're gonna bring out your fucking clay toys, now? Pathetic," I said, fingers twitching around the phantom of my scythe. Fuck, I had to stop leaving it around.

Deidara rolled his eye. "What the hell's crawled up your ass, yeah?" he asked, putting his hand on his hip, instead. I clenched a hand, ready to punch his stupid, smug fucking face. Sasori could build the bitch back together.

"You want those fucking mouths of yours sewn shut?" I spat, unable to even answer his question if I'd fucking wanted to, and I didn't. It wasn't any of his damned business. It wasn't as if I needed a reason, Deidara was just an annoying little asshole and he fucking knew it.

The little shit grinned at me again, leaning closer like I wouldn't snap his neck. "You sound like you're jealous, un," he muttered the word conspiratorially. That was fucking it. I reached out and slammed him against the wall so hard, I heard him wheeze for air. He scowled up at me, but that fucking smirk was finally gone. It didn't satisfy me as much as I thought it would. "You're afraid someone's gonna take her from you?" he hissed.

I drove my fist into the wall beside Deidara's head, cracking it while he flinched away. It shut him the fuck up for five seconds. "I don't give a fuck about her," I snapped, inches from Deidara's face and itching to rip his throat out. He didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

Deidara laughed, a breathless sound that sounded like an accusation. "Then why are you so angry, yeah?" he cocked his head, and when I let go and reared back to crack his face next, the little fuck slipped to the right and got out of my reach.

"Bitch!" I snapped after him as he darted out of the room. Fuck, fuck him, fuck her—fuck all of that, I had to get the hell out. I snatched my scythe on my way out of the base, bloodlust sweltering in my chest as I hunted for my first sacrifice of the night, and I wasn't stopping at one. If I didn't kill something right fucking then, I was going after Deidara, and I'd never hear the fucking end of that. Jealous? Jealous of fucking what, of him? Like she'd even fucking touch him.

_Fuck, like I even fucking cared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Ah, I love the smell of Stockholm Syndrome first thing in the morning. (If morning started at 3:31am…I miss the times when I first wrote this, being a teenager who could sleep when she wanted. Now I have to go work later, and I'm going to regret this poor sleeping choice.)
> 
> Old Note: I'm sick so I decided to write. It's a mistake to stay out four days of a school week.
> 
> But I needed to focus on this story because I needed some fucking plot development god damn it why am I so slow.
> 
> This is the third time they've had sex, they both reacted differently each time. How do you think the reactions are changing?
> 
> Inspiration: Touchin On My by 3OH!3 and my sexy friend Gemma for writing perv-stuffs.
> 
> Homework: Something happened in this chapter that's not actually happened before. What is it?


	21. Chapter 21

"Crash!" The booming crackle of lightning outside made a shiver ripple through my body, and I shut my eyes to revel in the static trembling in my veins. When a storm raged with so much heart, sometimes I felt as if I were made of lightning, myself. Or maybe, it was the feeling of the lightning inside me longing to streak across the sky. I didn't want to be bound to something as stupid as a mortal form, either, as edgy as it sounded. There was someone who wasn't so keen on the storm, though, and I glanced beside me as poor Tobi leaped almost a foot into the air. He took off tearing down the hallway before I could offer so much as a smile of comfort, like he might want to run away from the storm. He'd be hard-pressed to find a place he couldn't hear the resounding crash of thunder.

I shook my head with a sigh, pitying Tobi even as Deidara rolled his eyes. "That dumbass is afraid of his own shadow, un," the blond lamented.

I shrugged and put away the last dish I'd just washed. "He's soft. It isn't the worst thing to be," I said. Tobi largely did cleanup and spy work. At least, I suspected as much. I couldn't imagine a person like him possessing the attitude necessary for some of the more sinister work done in the Akatsuki, but people had surprised me before.

Deidara's visible eye glanced at me from where he was rummaging through the fridge, unimpressed with my defense of Tobi, but I felt he was often too scornful of the guy. "He's a child in a grown body, yeah. I have no idea how he's made it this far, but I'm sure it's only because of Zetsu." Deidara wandered out of the kitchen, apparently not having found anything worth eating.

I drifted out of the kitchen too, chasing an escape from boredom. I didn't care to hear much about Zetsu though, he wasn't someone I'd ever truly met, and I never wanted to. I'd caught glimpses of him, heard fractured sentences that sounded like they were spoken by two separate people; but whenever I peeked around the corner, there was only ever Zetsu. It left me unnerved, admittedly, despite knowing I needed to be more sensitive. I had no room for judgement there, but that didn't make me any less eager to actually meet the strange, inhuman figure I'd gone out of my way to avoid. Tobi could've made friends with a tree—actually, Zetsu might not have been so far off.

"You sound like you're in a great mood," I mumbled, bumping Deidara's hip as I meandered to the couch and flopped across it.

Deidara snorted as he went to stand over me. "It's the rain," he explained. "I can't do anything when it's coming down in buckets, and sometimes, it seems to do nothing but rain around here, yeah."

I had to fight the urge to remind him where this base was located. Deidara did take the occasional trip away that lasted a couple weeks at a time, and now I realized some of it was to escape the incessant storms. While I relished in them, Deidara loathed them, growing cagey and bristly. He took a seat on the floor in front of the couch and reached for his clay pouch. I watched as he began to mold a pristine clay bird, my eyes glued to the familiar motion of his fingers; despite that, I still couldn't keep track, and it felt like he'd made the creation out of thin air. I couldn't even draw a straight line, but people like Deidara? They all but bled creativity.

"Don't blow that up in here," I muttered absently before I reclined back. I was in no mood to clean up scorch marks, and even less in the mood to hear the scathing argument between Sasori and Deidara about the meaning of true art. I had no place in that conversation, and had no desire for it. I happened to think they were both kind of right. The artistic duo seldom seemed to agree on much of anything, but despite that they got along well. Very well, actually—oh, that wasn't my place.

It was hard to believe two people could be functional partners while hardly being able to say a word to each other without a fierce argument breaking out. Hidan and Kakuzu were a shining example of irony. If Hidan wasn't immortal (and Kakuzu something close) they both would've ended the other ages ago. On the other hand, Deidara and Sasori seldom fought physically, their arguments were loud and bitter, but didn't often escalate. When they did, they just…disappeared for a while…together.

Deidara rolled his eyes as if I'd said something absolutely crazy. "Don't turn into Danna on me, yeah. I get enough of that shit. Lighten up, un."

I began to snicker as Deidara grumbled and stuffed his clay back into his pouch. I swung my legs over the back of the couch and shifted so I was sitting upside down on it, my hair hanging almost to the floor. I was really going to have to take a knife to it, soon. I hadn't let it get past my jawline since I was a child. "Come on, I'm way cooler than him. I let you blow them up down in the lower levels!" I grinned at Deidara, and my smile widened when he reluctantly began to quirk his lips up.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Hidan's abrupt interruption made me jump a bit, and I peered up at the Jashinist, who had clearly just come in from the raging storm outside. Droplets of water trickled down his face and chest, and there was faint pink dripping down the blades of his scythe, though most of the viscera had washed away.

"Getting comfortable," I replied just as sharply, a bit peeved with his accusatory tone. He'd been so hard to predict lately. I turned my attention pointedly to the ceiling, ignoring the irritated grunt that came from Hidan. I risked a glance though, unable to swallow my curiosity, but to my surprise, Hidan wasn't even looking at me. No, he was staring at Deidara, who was glaring right back at him in a showdown that made tension flow into the room like a leak in the ceiling.

The two had been increasingly hostile to one another the past several days, and I'd tried to pinpoint what exactly had been the turning point, but I couldn't remember. They'd never been friends to begin with, but they'd tolerated each other, at least more than this. Now, Hidan got belligerent whenever he was in the same room with Deidara. Deidara was no better, and I often caught him shooting sly sneers at Hidan, as if purposely nudging him towards the brink of violence. I felt like I was on the sidelines of a war, and I didn't want to get caught in the crossfire. A pit of dread opened up inside me, and I glanced longingly outside. I was fed up with skirting around their tense standoff. Deidara didn't tend to antagonize, so something must be spurring him to do it. Maybe I could get Hidan out of the way for at least a few minutes. Oh!

"Hidan," I cut in, drawing the attention of an annoyed fuchsia gaze. "Kakuzu was trying to find you, earlier. He needs to give you the details of an oncoming mission." I wasn't entirely lying, Kakuzu _had_ asked me for Hidan, that morning; but it was for a bounty hunt, and that was something I knew Hidan held zero interest in going on. I only needed him out of the room, and hopefully it'd take him time to even find Kakuzu, and even more time to argue.

Hidan swore under his breath and shoved his scythe into the wall, where the sound of it clanging drowned out Hidan's storming away. I waited a healthy moment to be on the safe side, all the while a smirk stretched across Deidara's lips; a victorious smirk, but what had been won?

I scowled in suspicion and righted myself, leaning in close to Deidara and lowering my voice like we sharing a secret. "Tell me what's going on with you two." I was past asking questions, now I was making demands. I hated not being in on the secret, call it a flaw in my glowing personality.

Deidara tilted his head against the back of the couch to look up at me, scoffing out a laugh that I took offense to. "You forget how to talk, now of all times?" I drawled, and Deidara paused, staring at me for a studious moment. Suddenly, he leaned forward with a real laugh, and I pulled away in confusion. "Stop laughing at me!" Whatever the conspiracy was, I wasn't in on it.

"Damn, are redheads all complete smartasses, yeah?" he sighed, relaxing and turning so he could face me. "You really don't know, do you?" His tone was dripping with the infamous "ha-ha, I know something that you don't!" that made me feel like a small child excluded from the group.

"If I had any idea, I wouldn't have gone out of my way to ask," I snipped back. I didn't take kindly to him dodging my questions, especially when I wasn't sure how much time we had. I wanted the tension to stop, I wanted Hidan to stop cutting my time with Deidara short when he was my closest friend here. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back as a wolf.

Deidara leaned his chin onto his hand and looked directly into my soul. "He's jealous," he said, very matter-of-fact and with a careless shrug of his shoulders, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, as if it was possibly true. I recoiled like a snake had struck out, my heart having jumped into my throat and lodged firmly so that I couldn't speak at first. That was the game Deidara was trying to play, something as childish as that? Deidara snickered at me, ducking his head, and tempting me to throw something at him. Sadly, I doubted a pillow would hurt him much.

I cleared my throat, determined not to choke. "What—you mean Hidan? Jea…jealous of what? He's never jealous of anyone," I said, incredulous. Hidan thought highly of himself, in fact the only thing he thought even higher of was Jashin and the religion. Otherwise, the rest of the world was beneath Hidan's boot. There was no way Hidan had room for an ounce of jealousy in his body. It must've been a side effect of immortality.

I felt like I was being slow to catch onto something when Deidara arched a brow as if to say "wanna bet?"

"Jealous of any other man who puts his hands on you, yeah. Well, except Tobi," Deidara added after consideration, "but he doesn't count, yeah."

I snorted, dubious of these radical claims. I stood up and dusted myself, though it mostly felt like I was just trying to swipe away my surprise. "I think you've finally blown out your brain." I crossed my arms and looked to the side, something ugly rising in my chest like a flame eating away at a dry forest. "If you won't tell me the real reason you two are acting like this, fine, but don't lie to my face. Hidan couldn't give a fuck what happened to me." I actually found myself surprised at the venom in my voice.

Deidara's gaze hardened. "Then explain to me why he attacked Kisame as soon as he'd learned what happened to you, un." Deidara's voice had sobered, leaving my well of suspicion empty, the statement had put a drain right in the middle of it. I froze and cut my eyes towards Deidara, dumbstruck. Had that…had Hidan really done that? He'd never told me that, no one had. My heart was starting to race, but that was nothing compared to the wheels in my head, turning so hard I could almost smell smoke. Right after Kisame had confronted me the second time, Hidan had taken me to show me how use the new collar, to prove to me I would be able to protect myself. He hadn't trusted that his word alone would be enough, he'd known I'd have to see it for myself, I'd have to feel that strength on my own. I'd thought it'd been an act of annoyance, frustration at having to keep saving me, because there was no way he'd ever let someone else finish me. It had been rudimentary possessiveness. Hadn't it?

"I…I had no idea that had happened. Hidan never mentioned it," I murmured, losing the wind to raise my voice. I raised my fingers to graze them across the collar. I was Hidan's, the collar symbolized that; but this version also symbolized that I was my own. I could fight back, I could be more than the doll I'd spent my entire life playing, having everyone tug the strings. Hidan had shoved the strings into my hand and told me to fucking do something about it, but I'd looked the other way.

I'd looked for it to mean something else.

"Hidan had Danna make that one so you could protect yourself, yeah." Deidara was still talking despite my struggles to process. "He tried to kill Kisame that same day. Leader-sama had to stop them. Fucking shame, honestly, yeah."

I shook my head blankly, my ears were hearing things that my brain wasn't digesting, like the piece of it that translated words had blacked out. Hidan hadn't cared—didn't, he didn't care. He'd done terrible things himself. As I stood there in that room, with Deidara shoving these revelations into my face, it felt like he was throwing bombs at me. How long had it been since Hidan had done something terrible, since he'd gone out of his way to hurt me? Did that mean that the terrible beginning should be forgotten?

No. Hidan was fucked up.

Maybe I was a little fucked up, too.

I was going to get sick, and I'd just fucking cleaned the floor. I wrapped my arms around myself. "That doesn't have anything to do with you," I pointed out in a mumble, still reeling, still refusing to swallow the pill Deidara was proffering.

There was that same secretive little smirk on Deidara's face. He held one arm up in a shrug. "I told you he was jealous, un. I've been trying to get close to you and piss him off."

I snorted, too blown away to even hold onto the roiling mess of the previous conversation. "You aren't even into girls," I pointed out drily.

Deidara shut his eye and put his arms behind his head. "Yeah, and you really think I'd let him know that?"

Okay, fair enough. I shut my eyes with a weary sigh, still hugging myself as I struggled to wrap my head around everything. I…had a lot of thinking I needed to do. Alone, at that. I took a deep breath before daring to speak again, afraid of saying the wrong thing. "Look, Hidan might've been annoyed at Kisame because…well, I belong to Hidan. He's going to be angry that someone touched what's technically his."

I felt a twinge of annoyance referring to myself as something to be owned, but it felt true enough. Hidan didn't like anyone touching what belonged to him, I fell under that category because I had nowhere else to be. Despite everything, I was a girl from a slavery compound, I'd been nothing but a toy, a servant, something expendable, my whole life. That wasn't going to change, it couldn't.

Deidara pursed his lips. "You're both idiots," he said decidedly.

I blinked and made a sound somewhere between a groan and a gasp, disgusted at the comparison. Deidara had started to grin again, but before I could get on his case, he was up and out of the room. Sasori was right in calling him a brat. A damn brat.

"Why do you have such a shitty habit of standing in the middle of the fucking floor?" Hidan broke the silence I'd gladly let wash over me, and I huffed when rough hands grabbed me around the waist and tossed me back onto the couch. I crossed my legs as if I'd purposely taken a seat.

"Why have you got such a shitty habit of being a complete dick?" I asked coyly. Hidan flipped me his favorite gesture before snatching his scythe and thundering out of the base again, despite the fact I could still hear the patter of drenching rains. Huh, that made me wonder if Kakuzu had actually told Hidan about some sort of mission…

I stared after Hidan, with questions burning up my throat and singing into my flesh when I bit them all back. Was Deidara telling the truth? He had no reason to lie to me, did he? But he could be nothing but misled, that made much more sense. It had to. I couldn't ask…those weren't answers I needed, somehow I doubted they'd be answers I even wanted, the truth could hurt just as much as a lie. I'd rather let things be, I didn't want to thrash the waters. I'd only just learned how to swim. Or maybe I was floating, and only waiting for something to drag me down again.

Well, fuck it. I was going to learn how to breathe underwater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: I really remember how much I was worried about the pacing in this story. Funnily enough, I just finished another big project of mine (in a separate fandom) that I agonized over the same issue with. Fun times, this writing hobby.
> 
> Old Note: This chapter was horrible, I was writing without any real inspiration or plan and frankly, didn't even get into character for some reason. I apologize so much.
> 
> Akatsuki's Epic Fangirl: I'm surprised you're the only one to notice that, or at least the only to mention, I answered it in the chapter though. You get a cookie for being observant.
> 
> Sasuke Neko: LIKE I'M AFRAID OF YOU, BRAT.
> 
> TheGirlWithNoIQ: *Smirks* You are correct my dear, you win the prize. Very good work, I wasn't sure anyone would catch it. Thank you as always for your sweet reviews!
> 
> As TheGirlWithNoIQ said, the answer to last chapter's homework; they kissed last chapter. They hadn't done that before.
> 
> You get an A.
> 
> Sasuke Neko gets an F.
> 
> Good day, my creatures.


	22. Chapter 22

_Ugh, whoever was the jackass that invented germs, I hoped they were burning in the deepest pits of hell._

I muffled a raspy cough with my hand and winced as my chest tightened in pain. It felt like my body was trying its best to expel my very lungs. I'd been ill for the past few days, but it felt like weeks since I'd been able to breathe clearly or move without an ache pulsing through my muscles. I'd spent that time confined to Hidan's room, curled up in a mess of blankets and wheezing. I didn't want to contaminate everything around me, but it was also an excuse to not have to do anything. I could hardly hold my eyes open, much less entertain the idea of work. I was sweating underneath the heavy blankets, but every time I tried to wriggle out from under them, I wound up shivering. I took a rattling breath again, only to hack up the meager air I'd tried to get.

"You sound like you have fucking rabies," Hidan grumbled from the doorway. I'd hardly noticed when he'd gotten up that morning, I'd been reluctant to even wake up, so the day could start without me. I was surprised Hidan had even slept at all with the way I wheezed, tossed, and turned. I was beginning to wonder if Hidan's immortality also made him immune to illness, but my throat was so scratchy I didn't feel like asking. I burrowed under the blankets with a raspy mumble of a few choice words aimed in Hidan's general direction.

I groaned when the blankets ripped out of my grasp, squinting up at Hidan where he was scowling down at me. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath, dropping the blanket back down over my waist. "I'm getting Konan, you're not gonna die on me."

Well, I hadn't been intending to do that, and now I was slightly more distressed than I'd been earlier. Did I look that bad? I guess feeling like death could make one look a little less than stellar. "Hidan, don't. I'm—" I attempted to mollify Hidan before he went and bothered Konan, not to mention how little I wanted to be poked and prodded right then; before I could get a full sentence out however, I'd broken down into a coughing fit. My eyes were watering by the time I opened them again, and Hidan was gone.

Bitterly defeated, I flopped back into bed with a husky sigh, cursing my weak immune system and desperately wishing to just go back to sleep. Maybe when I woke up, I would feel better, at least enough to breathe? That wasn't too much to ask for. I wondered if it'd be too much to ask that this place not fall into total disrepair while I was out of commission, too. I shuddered at the idea of the amount of blood and filth that could accumulate in only a few days. Even if I'd largely taken more control of my freedom the past couple of months, I still found myself falling into old habits. It was almost comforting, and it also kept me busy when I had nothing else to do.

I had pestered Hidan into granting me a few more feet on the leash. I could go outside for a little while, but only if he was home, and only a mile or so out from the base. Any farther, and the collar released a shock that was just enough to sting, and it didn't let up until I stumbled backwards into safe range. It was enough to just sit in the woods, soaking up the momentary liberation like a parched sponge. If Hidan accompanied me, I could go even farther. It was dangerous, it allowed me to pretend I was something more than what I truly was. I'd never felt so free, so wild, so…so…

I swallowed and it hurt.

A knock sounded at the door, and I was immensely thankful for the distraction. I sat up, but I had to lean back against the headboard to support myself. I smiled weakly at Konan as she approached the bed, her brows furrowing as she took in my pallid appearance. "I heard you aren't feeling too well," she murmured, raising a hand to my forehead to feel it.

I made a guttural sound as I cleared my throat. "Probably about as well as I look," I rasped. Konan hummed, and gently began to prod around my throat, checking me over patiently while I tried not to have another coughing fit with her right there. I winced at the coolness of the stethoscope she'd brought with her, and her pinched, worried expression made me feel a spike of panic.

"Nothing too serious, we caught it early," she explained as she straightened. "An antibiotic should clear this up in about a week, I'll start you on it now, but you still need to rest."

Indolently sinking back into the sheets, I decided that didn't sound so bad. I let my eyes slip closed while Konan left to fetch my medicine, and I must've fallen asleep; next thing I knew, she was carefully urging me awake again. I sat up and took the bottle of blue and white pills, eyeing them with disdain. I'd never cared for taking pills, and with my throat all but swollen shut, they looked even less inviting. I choked one down all the same, reaching for the glass of water near the bed.

"Take one every six hours until they're gone. As I said, you should be back to normal within the week," Konan directed.

"Thanks, it's killing me being trapped in here," I smiled shakily as I set the pill bottle aside.

Konan nodded her head sympathetically. "I imagine so, and I can't picture Hidan being very good company while you're ill."

"Not that bad," I said before thinking. Konan's expression remained neutral, but I could've sworn something in her eyes glinted. I ducked my gaze and turned over, eager to get back to sleep. "Thanks, Konan. I appreciate it."

Konan took her leave, and I dragged the blankets back up to my shoulders. If I were lucky, I could sleep straight through this. Unfortunately, someone else had different ideas.

"You look like hell," came the last thing I wanted to hear right then. I peeked out from under my nest, aiming a glacial glare at the man standing in the doorway, though I doubted it had the effects I'd have liked. Hidan stood with his arms crossed, lips curled in amusement.

"You'd know," I said, my head falling back onto the pillow like a rock. I didn't particularly want to ignite an argument with Hidan right then, but I wasn't so far gone as to ignore bait like that. I listened as Hidan scoffed before he fell suspiciously silent. Suddenly, the bed dipped beside me. I felt a vague worry that he might shove me out of the bed, but there was no real fear behind it.

"Did the witch give you something?" Hidan asked, a touch less mouthy than before. I grunted and flailed a hand towards the nightstand, where the bottle of pills sat. Hidan snorted. "Are you too fucking lazy to talk?"

"Hurts," I mumbled, hoping he'd take a hint and get lost for a few hours. Read between the lines, if he could read at all.

Hidan stood again. "Whatever. Take the meds and get your shit together."

I rolled my eyes. "What do you think I'm trying to do? Konan also said to rest, so get out." It occurred to me I was trying to kick Hidan out of his own room, but he didn't comment on that, even if he did still have some choice words.

"Don't fucking smart off. Take the shit and get better, I'm not dragging you to a hospital," he said, and I could feel his gaze boring into me, as if daring me to try arguing. I was tempted, but instead I rolled over with a compliant grunt.

"Wouldn't want you to have to take care of yourself for too long," I said, grinning at the annoyed growl that followed from Hidan. He tossed a pillow over my head before I heard his footsteps heading out of the room. That was a shame he'd done that, because now the pillow was mine. I sunk into the soft warmth surrounding me, clinging onto all the comfort I could get. The silence in the room was a welcome relief, and gradually, I felt myself sinking into the clutches of sleep. Hopefully by tomorrow I'd be able to swallow without wanting to cry. Also hopefully, Hidan would wake me up in time to take the medicine again. Leaving him in charge might not be the best idea, but I needed someone, and he was all I had.

I hoped I wouldn't regret it.

* * *

I'd never taken real time to appreciate how wonderful it was to breathe clearly, but when I woke up two days later and was able to take a deep breath without wheezing, the gratitude was boundless. I all but jumped out of bed, a bit unsteady after spending the better part of the week sleeping off the illness. I hefted the blankets up to make it seem like I'd made a vague attempt at making the bed, but upon second thought, decided it'd be best to wash them. God forbid I re-catch my own germs.

I felt like a new person after showering and dressing, washing away all the remnants of death, and heading downstairs with a jaunty step in my walk. Even if it was just to do laundry, it felt great to get the hell out of the bedroom. It was ironic, considering I'd spent so much of my childhood locked away; now that I'd gotten a glimpse of a freer life, I was sinking my claws in and not letting go. Not unless someone ripped it away, and they were going to have to fight me for it.

There was still a touch of a rattle in my chest, but I had a few pills left and I could tell the illness was in its final stages. Konan said the chances of a relapse were very slim as long as I finished off the antibiotics, and I wasn't taking any risks. I noticed with some surprise that things didn't seem to have completely fallen apart around the base, and as I listened, I realized it was unusually silent. I hadn't heard any explosions or arguing as of late, and now I suspected at least one, perhaps two of the teams must've been gone.

I had to take it easy most of the day, especially when cleaning made dust rise and caused a mild coughing fit. Perhaps I was being a little ambitious, but I would wither if I had to spend another hour alone in the bedroom. It was around evening when I wandered into the kitchen, starving and fed up with the entire place.

"Finally moving around, bitch?" Hidan asked from where he was stood at the counter, holding a glass of something that looked a little too…red. I shook off any distressing thoughts as I sidled past Hidan, somewhat annoyed to find him in the kitchen, as it meant I'd have to fix enough for him to eat as well. If I didn't, he'd probably just steal mine. Hidan watched as I cooked, his expression pinched with annoyance. "You deaf or fucking stupid?"

I had my back turned towards him, so I felt safe enough to smirk. He couldn't stand when I ignored him. "I'll be deaf, since you already took stupid," I said. I admit, I should've already learned how to reign myself in, but old habits die hard. Besides, if I was going to die on any hill, it'd be the one where I pissed off Hidan. I was off death's door and already ready to come back knocking.

I yelped when I felt a hand in my hair. Hidan pulled me backwards, tilting my head back against his chest as I looked up at him with round eyes, his own scowling down at me. "You better watch how you fucking talk to me," he spoke lowly, anger tinting his voice, but it was coupled with something that I found to be far more dangerous. I didn't dare to think too hard on it, and instead I fed in to something more familiar, finding comfort in this old song and dance. It was the way things needed to be, it was the way things had to stay. If they went past this, I didn't know what to do, I didn't understand—I didn't like not understanding.

I bared my teeth in a snarl, and Hidan shoved me away, where my hip bounced painfully off the edge of the counter. He glared down at me, and his hands clenched into fists. I straightened and lifted my chin, fully prepared, fully expecting. I knew this, I recognized this, this Hidan was no stranger.

After a moment that stretched on, Hidan turned away from me and he stormed out of the room, leaving me frozen in the silence of the aftermath; a fire that had gotten abruptly doused in water. I stared at the spot he'd been standing in, somehow still picturing him raising a fist. There was a bruise aching on my hip, but it was such a slight pain compared to what I knew could've happened. I suddenly found myself with an undeserved frustration. I'd been in the mood for a fight. I'd been in the mood to claw and scream. I was so used to it, so familiar; there was a home in violence and anger. Now, I felt lost, thrust past those defensive walls and left to figure it out on my own.

Of course it'd be Hidan to do that, of course it'd be him to ruin what stability I'd come to find. Then again, how stable was I if I found comfort in that?

I heard the sound of water bubbling over, and realized I'd forgotten I'd been cooking. I'd also forgotten that, with Hidan now gone, I now had too much rice on my hands. I stared down at the pot as I mulled over the problem, before I snapped my fingers. Tobi had to still be around, he tended to rarely leave the base. "Tobi! Food!" I called out. Several seconds passed before the sound of running footsteps approached, and Tobi barreled into the kitchen, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he stood patiently at the stove.

Having Tobi's incessant, mindless chatter was soothing background noise as we ate, and it calmed my still somewhat frayed nerves. At least Tobi remained the same, despite everything. He was hardly even a part of the other chaos, he was more of a reprieve from it all. I avoided even talking to him about Hidan, or my past, or things like that; I preferred to let Tobi control the conversation, and it usually proved to cheer me up.

I noticed Tobi only lifted his mask up over his mouth a bit to eat, never removing it completely. I'd thought about asking him about it before, but I was worried pressing the matter would make him uncomfortable, and it wasn't really my business, anyway. While he didn't seem like it, Tobi was a bit of a complex person, and even if you asked him a question, he could manage to give you an answer that wasn't really an answer at all. Once we'd finished, I thanked Tobi for his company, and he bounded off again. I longed for a bit of that energy, especially when I started to sway at the sink while finishing the dishes.

I retired to the bedroom and collapsed into bed, fraught with memories and worries. I tossed and turned, and despite my exhaustion, couldn't quiet my mind or ease myself enough to sleep. It had been…over a year, hadn't it? When would Hidan grow bored, when would I wear out my usefulness? Things had changed so much. _I_ had changed so much. The entire world had flipped upside down, and I'd yet to land and find my balance, it felt like. When I went outside, and stared off into the forest, I didn't think of running. When I thought of a future, it was dark, empty.

But there was a violet tinge to it, just in the distance.

The door slammed open, and there went any hopes of me falling asleep. I bolted upright, startled, but the sight before me jarred me even worse. Blood poured from the crater in Hidan's chest, and my brain was disturbed by the sight of what it knew should be a dead person, only they were very upright, very alive. "What the hell are you doing?!" I hissed, shoving the blankets off as I skittered to my feet.

Hidan shot me a glance, eyes narrowing. "What the fuck does it look like?" he asked, his voice rough, like he'd been gargling gravel.

Oh, I had plenty to say to that, but the bloody bastard stormed off and into the bathroom, and he was certain to leave a trail of maroon in his wake. I huffed in indignance, and instead of letting it go, I followed Hidan. I crossed my arms as I watched him turn on the shower, struggling not to look at the nauseating sight of the wound carved into him. Instead, I looked balefully at the puddle of blood gathering on the floor. "Why are you always doing this to yourself? Always so bad?" I muttered, tightening my arms around myself. I half hoped he hadn't heard me, but of all times, Hidan chose not to ignore me. Hidan ranted about and praised his religion so often, I should be as much of an expert as he was. Even so, it…bothered me to see him rip himself apart almost every day, holding blind hope that a God would fix him. What if it went wrong, what if went too far, what if…

What if I opened my fucking eyes, and realized it shouldn't matter?

Hidan scowled at me, shoving me aside as he went to get clean clothes. "You really are fucking stupid, aren't you?" he snapped. "I have to do this, or I'll die. This is a sacrifice for Lord Jashin, he commands this from his followers, and if you had any fucking respect, you wouldn't dare to question it."

Why would I have respect for a god I didn't worship? I pursed my lips, but Hidan wasn't finished. "Besides, I fucking like pain. You're familiar with that, aren't you, bitch?" Hidan threw a smirk at me, and I felt a shudder go down my back. Was he referring to the fact he inflicted pain on me, or was he suggesting I liked it, too? Maybe I did. So what if I did? I wasn't about to start offering my body to anyone, especially to someone I couldn't even see.

I turned away. "Fine, you want to be crazy, tear yourself apart for some religion? Go ahead, but stop fucking making a mess out of everything when you do! Bleed out somewhere outside!" It was childish, and the fact I threw myself onto the bed like someone having a tantrum didn't help that fact, but it got my point across. I knew Hidan wasn't going to die, I'd seen it long enough to know that, but seeing him with those ugly and frightening wounds? What if one day his "gift" failed him? Fuck, maybe I shouldn't even recognize him when he wasn't covered in blood. His religion was as much a part of him as his blood. I couldn't ask him to change…I wasn't sure I wanted him to.

Hidan swore at me before the bathroom door slammed shut. At least I'd irritated him a bit, but it was probably nothing compared to my own seething anger. I began to realize that I was angrier at myself, then, and a fresh surge of hatred filled me. I hated myself. I hated what was happening, these new worries, these new feelings. I had no right—Hidan had no right. That wasn't what this was, what we were, it wasn't _right._ I pulled a pillow over my head, so confused and upset that it almost worked as a sedative. Sadly, my dreams were far from the reprieve I had sought.

He had to haunt me in my dreams, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: I turned sixteen while writing this story? Girl, the fuck? Time isn't real.
> 
> Old Note: I've been taking a break from all multichapter stories but since so many people keep asking where I've gone I wrote something for you lovely people. I feel a bit odd writing this since October eighteenth passed…and I'm now actually sixteen… I don't usually give my real age, but who cares anymore? Fuck how time flies. It's sad in a way, after this year I'll need to change my OC's age and she's been sixteen since I created her… We'll see. Hope everyone is having a good day!
> 
> Ishouldntbeawake: Your review… It makes me smile in overjoyed gratitude and nervous in the sense that damn I hope I can keep the story good!
> 
> Ruksa Hiroku: Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm so glad you enjoy it!
> 
> I'm wrapping this up soon. I'll say this; no more than ten or eleven chapters left because I can't handle this damn story, haha! I have two more that are requiring a lot of thought and two others on hold, so… That's why more character development will be going into chapters if you notice anything. My beta also gave me an idea that I might add an alternate ending, but I already planned out what I wanted to do, so… We will see what happens. I feel like she's mad at me, so.


	23. Chapter 23

"Crash!"

I stared in dismay as a shower of glittering shards of glass and ceramic rained down in the main living area. The magnificent result of Deidara setting off a clay bomb (and thus destroying a statue) because he couldn't possibly wait to get outside for that. Said culprit stood across the room from me, wearing a satisfied smirk.

"What the hell!" I exclaimed in exasperation, gesturing at the mess shattered across the ground. I didn't even remember what the statue had been before Deidara's bomb blew it up, but that didn't mean I'd wanted it in a million pieces that I had to sweep up. Deidara would be happy to leave the mess as evidence of his creative mastery, but I wasn't looking forward to impaling my foot.

Deidara opened his mouth, probably on the verge of an artistic lecture about my lack of appreciation, just another excuse for his destruction. Luckily, (well, not for Deidara) I heard Sasori shouting the blond's name, not sounding any happier than I felt at the moment. I fled from the room to fetch the dustpan, but mostly to avoid the incoming argument I was sure was about to ensue. I'd never really grasped why the artistic partners argued so much, sometimes it was an all-day affair just listening to them grapple about their opinion on whose idea of "true art" was the right one. It was an opinion, we all had one, didn't we? I enjoyed Deidara's a little more, but Sasori's was less destructive. Er…maybe not the actual process—you know what, I didn't want to think about it.

I knelt on the floor to sweep up the mess, all while Deidara's voice carried throughout the base as he argued. Sasori seldom raised his voice the same way, often only to first call Deidara to him. I smirked at the rising crescendo of the argument; good, I hoped Sasori pissed Deidara off, though I knew it'd never teach the blond to blow his bombs up outside. Deidara had once shared with me he liked when Sasori got angry, but he'd been drunk at the time and wouldn't elaborate. I wasn't sure he needed to.

I groaned as I picked myself off the floor and went to throw away the mess. With Deidara busy arguing his point, and with Hidan god knew where, I should have a little time to myself. Giddy with that small luxury, I slinked down to the crypts, where there were so many empty rooms that had long been forgotten. Their only occupants were the dust bunnies and shadows, and I didn't mind them much; they weren't too bad of a listener.

Having been sneaking down into these forgotten rooms to escape the world above them for quite a while now, I'd started turning some of those chilly, vacant rooms into little projects of mine. I was transforming them into getaways I could turn to when I needed to breathe or needed to hide. I'd never told anyone, not even Konan who could perhaps help, or Deidara who I claimed to be a friend, but…sometimes things got bad. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my heart would throb in my chest, and I had to lock myself away, distance myself from everything until the world stopped sitting on my aching ribcage.

Slipping into the nearest remodeled room, I fondly grazed my fingertips across a small shelf I'd built, whereupon sat a little clay sculpture of a fox. I occasionally got Deidara to mold sculptures for me, or I picked something up on my rare trips out of the base so that I could make these rooms feel less like a prison and more like a home. It wasn't much, but it was mine, and I was determined to have things that were mine. Being a prisoner didn't mean I had to live like one, and, well…I no longer quite felt much like a prisoner, despite knowing I wasn't much else.

Hidan often shot me odd looks when he caught me wasting my meager savings on "bullshit trinkets" and the like, but which of the two of us was really the dumbass, there? Kakuzu would tear Hidan's head off his shoulders if he knew about Hidan giving me money. Deidara and Tobi both did, too, but that was genuine kindness (or pity, initially) and I was always far more shocked by Hidan's provisions. He'd all but flung the allowance at me one day, and admittedly, I'd more or less demanded to know what he wanted in return for it.

That had been an argument, but I had kept the money.

Hidan wasn't the only person I went out with anymore either; Deidara recently supervised me sometimes, too, but I still could never stray too far from Hidan's grasp or the collar began to thrum with static, a warning that I was testing my limits. I still had no idea how Hidan knew about the collar's reactions either, because from what I could see, he didn't wear anything connected to my collar, but it could very well just be connected to his chakra. I did suspect though, that Hidan had grown more lenient with the distance between us. I swore that, at least two months ago, I couldn't venture too far into the forest. Now, I could stray towards the edge of the foliage line, right near the village it circled, but I couldn't go too far in without someone accompanying me. That was probably for my own safety too; I wasn't technically a shinobi, I wasn't trained for that, and someone with genuine skill would be able to rob or hurt me with fair ease. My only strength was how absolutely feral I was willing to go.

Truthfully, I was pretty sure I'd just pissed Hidan off to the point he'd rather throw me out than deal with me. My cabin fever was worse than my early bout with illness had been. When I convinced him to take me with him on his occasional outings, it was probably mostly because he couldn't be bothered to pick up my needs for me, but the reasons didn't matter to me, only that my leash was becoming looser and looser. Truthfully, I only felt it when I stopped to yank on it, myself. Always testing limits, always scratching at boundaries, always breaking something apart and flinging it down to lengthen my bridges.

I hummed absently as I picked up a book, even though I knew I'd only be staring at it without absorbing a single word. It was some sort of informative novel about poisonous plants that I'd picked up recently—though the library would certainly use a different term—and had yet to read. I quite liked reading, but sometimes found I couldn't be still long enough for it. Not only physically, but emotionally; my mind was almost always half somewhere else. I'd thought reading might alleviate some of my boredom, because while I'd been trying not to acknowledge it, I…I was finding myself with more freedom than I knew what to do with. I'd always had my days planned out for me, and even an hour of alone time was a gift so precious you never knew what to do with yourself. You hardly had the time to decide what to do, where to go, and now I had so much of my own time, I was…lost in it.

Now, I had most of my time to myself. It was almost frightening, realizing that I didn't know how to be free. I'd always thought of myself as independent despite the circumstances, I'd never been much for following rules, as I suspect you're well aware. Now that I was confronted with something so unusual, something that had been forbidden, I was at a bit of a loss. It was frightening, unpaved terrain, and I was learning how to walk on my own legs…but I was having fun traversing it. Of course it would be Hidan to throw things upside down again, wouldn't it? He'd done that the entire time, there was no reason for the bastard to change, now. Every time I seemed to find my footing, Hidan yanked the rug out from under me again. At least I could revel in the fact that I'd knocked him on his face plenty of times, myself.

We really didn't know what to do with each other, did we?

I smiled faintly to myself, only to hear Hidan's voice in my head a moment later. It took me a second to realize I wasn't thinking it, but Hidan was actually calling me. "Where the hell are you?" he shouted down from upstairs. I jumped to my feet, dropping my book as I scurried from the quarters. On my way upstairs, I nearly bumped into Hidan, who had probably been on his way to find me, himself. Hidan grunted and stepped back. "Watch where the hell you're going," he told me, holding out an arm as I reached to steady myself. I wasn't keen on falling back down the stairs. "Come on, get your shit. I've got a mission tonight and you're going," Hidan said, skipping over a few details I felt were a little important.

I let go of his arm and scrunched my nose. "What? Why me?" I asked, baffled at the idea. I wasn't a member of the organization by any means, I wasn't even a real kunoichi, and I'd never gone on any sort of mission or job as a shinobi—Hidan already had a partner, why wasn't Kakuzu going? Hell, even one of the others volunteering would have better suited this. I couldn't wrap my head around it, but then again, Hidan wasn't a beacon of bright ideas.

Hidan rolled his eyes and turned away, as if I'd asked him to explain to me a complicated equation he just didn't have the time for. "Just hurry up," he snapped over his shoulder. I shook my surprise off and jogged after Hidan to catch up with him, ducking as he swung his scythe into place on his back. "It's nothing but a shitty assassination mission, so don't get excited," Hidan said, raising his voice so I could hear him over the rumble of the base's entrance as we left.

I hadn't been on the edge of my seat to begin with. "How many people?" I asked, stretching my arms behind my head and trying to loosen muscles that hadn't had a good fight in a while.

I said I hadn't been on real missions, not that I wasn't a scrapper back in the…er, back in the not-so-far day.

"Two, more if they've got half a fucking brain and expect we're coming. They were informants that pulled some shit on us," Hidan explained. "They've got a setup on the east edge of Ame. Think you can fucking handle it?" Hidan threw a smirk over his shoulder at me, and I made a mocking expression that made him snicker.

It didn't sound impossible, but I couldn't quite quell the worry bubbling in my chest. "This wasn't something you could've handled alone?" I teased. Hidan hadn't answered my other question, so I wasn't expecting much that time, either, but it was about time Hidan surprised me.

"All right, you little brat," Hidan grumbled. "You're going because Kakuzu is out on one of his bullshit blasphemy trips, and I'm not doing this shit on my own. You can take out one little fucking wimp, can't you?" Hidan pushed a slender branch out of his way, and when he let go it cracked through the air towards my face. I dropped down to avoid the biting slice of the tree bark, and I noticed Hidan had turned to glance. "Better reflexes than I thought, maybe you won't fucking die."

"You think they have the right to kill me? I'll eat their fucking heart," I remarked, half sarcastic. Hidan cackled. I had to admit, I was kind of looking forward to a fight that would be real. Last time had been more of a test, Hidan had been in the background, doubting I could do anything at all. I was more on my own this time, Hidan was fighting his own battles, and a real fight unleashed an entirely different kind of adrenaline. The kind that reminded me of scorches and smoke, it made my fingers twitch and chest swell with excitement.

Fuck, Hidan was rubbing off on me, wasn't he?

I tilted my head back to admire the clouds beginning to conspire overhead, the white puffs soon darkening into gray as they blotted out the sun. A fat rain drop plopped onto my nose suddenly, and I blinked in surprise before a grin broke out across my face. Ahead of me, Hidan cursed at the sudden sprinkling, and I couldn't stop a laugh from tumbling from my lips. A thin veil of rain drizzled around us, thunder rumbled in the distance, and I felt something in me sizzle in anticipation when static rolled across my skin. Well, it must be my lucky day.

Our journey lasted somewhere around two hours, passing in relative silence only broken my own amused laughter whenever I passed a particularly large puddle that I couldn't resist jumping in. Once or twice, I thought I saw Hidan glancing back at me, but I never brought it up. My hair plastered to my face and the back of my neck, and I swept it back out of my eyes so I could peer up at the rather malevolent looking building we were approaching.

"Bastards are supposed to be meeting here to discuss the information they stole," Hidan told me, his voice rough as he popped his knuckles. "Guess they can get a demonstration. Try not to fuck up," he said, casting me a sharp sideways glance.

"You can hardly fuck up killing someone," I replied wryly, though I supposed you could fuck up by _not_ killing them. Above me, a streak of lightning cracked across the sky, and the world was briefly as bright as the sun. A violent shiver traversed through my body, wracking me with energy reverberating through me, as harsh as the thunder that followed. My heart was in my ears and my fingertips were crackling; I couldn't control it much longer. "If we're gonna do it, we'd better do it now."

Another bolt of lightning lit up the cloud-drenched sky, and the sound of the thunder drowned out Hidan busting down the door. He was ahead of me and blocked my immediate view, but I saw a few faceless bodies darting about the room; either scrambling to fight, or scrambling to run, and I couldn't blame them for the latter.

One made it past Hidan as he swung his scythe on one side of the room, one just for me. I dropped down into a kick as I swiped his legs out from under him, and before he could get up, I was driving my fist down onto his chest. Electricity flared out from my wrist, oozing out of me from the excess electricity streaking all around me. I wasn't letting out enough, and it was starting to burn inside me, crackling like a fuse about to blow. I stumbled backwards and swiped my arms in front of me, spreading my hands to the side and allowing a wave of lightning to roll off me, briefly bathing me in faint blue.

Inside the building, everything went dark as the lights popped from my excess voltage. The commotion inside sounded gory and chaotic, but I hopped over the corpse I'd left at the door and landed in the fray anyway. I ducked out of the way of a stray kunai that buried itself into the wall—thanks for the extra weapon!—and reached to yank the blade out. A kunoichi with grey-streaked hair appeared in the corner of my vision, and she nailed me in the side with a punch that knocked the wind from me.

I went down with a wheeze, and she went for a punch to my face. Her knuckles had just grazed my cheek when I drove the kunai into her thigh. Both of us went down, with blood dripping from my mouth while a scream spewed from hers. I scrambled to be the first to get up, snatching my stolen weapon from the ugly wound in her thigh. Electricity sizzled through the steel in the weapon as I pointed it between her ribs and stabbed her again; this time, she only made a faint gurgle before her head thumped back against the floor, and I doubted she'd be raising it again.

I guarded the door and the outside while Hidan ventured farther into the building. The sound of fury and dying screams traveled up from the crypts of the building. There didn't appear to be too many people inside the makeshift hideout, although certainly more than Hidan predicted, leading me to believe these informants had been a part of a group all their own. Still, it was a pitiful number, but that didn't surprise me much; not many would be dumb enough to try going up against the Akatsuki. Even if there had been more people in on this coup earlier, they'd likely chickened out and cut their losses.

The sound of a floorboard creaking to my right made one red ear swivel towards the noise, my eyes following soon after to watch a slim figure hurling themselves bodily towards me. I braced my arms in front of my face to block the brunt of their kick, but the force still sent me flying backwards through the door and into the unyielding rain. I was scrambling to my feet by the time the shinobi reached me, but they were fast, much faster than I was. A fist drove into my stomach and another against my cheek, and I tasted blood again as my teeth cut the inside of my mouth. I spat a mouthful of blood onto my attacker's face, and they reached for me again, hatred blazing in their eyes. "The Akatsuki must fall!" they snarled, voice cold and raspy.

I had no real allegiance to the Akatsuki, but I had to have some towards Hidan, therefore tying me to the Akatsuki by default. Rain blurred my vision as I stumbled backwards and reached up for a low hanging tree branch, hefting myself off the ground and twisting up onto the branch. They slammed their fist into the bark instead, and I winced as splinters exploded through the air. Yeah, that one would've hurt.

A silver gleam in their other hand alerted me to the kunai they'd pulled out. I jumped from the tree to land behind them, and we both swung for each other at the same time. I cried out as the kunai sliced into my thigh, tearing open cloth and flesh; my own hand connected with the bastard's throat, and the sizzle of flesh made my ears ring as electricity burst from my skin, from my nerves and into theirs.

I'd never stopped to wonder if it was a painful way to die. They were often silent, dead before they hit the ground, if the current was strong enough. When I was a child, I'd only been able to shock someone, usually only succeeding in pissing them off. Now, as I watched the shinobi collapse into a convulsing heap on the ground, I found myself hoping they were dead long before they felt much of the electricity. My hands weren't clean of blood before I'd met Hidan. The people he'd had me kill weren't the first lives I had stolen. But before them, I always felt like I'd known who I was killing. They were bad people, people who hurt women and children, people who sold other people. Even the men I'd killed back when Hidan gave me the new collar, they'd been threatening to do terrible things. I hadn't felt bad. I…I don't think I did.

Now, though? I didn't know these people or what they were doing, what they wanted. Maybe they had personal reasons for having a vendetta against the Akatsuki. Before, I felt like I knew where I stood on the field. My side of the line was fighting against people who would do me harm, or harm those who were helpless. Now, the line was blurred, and I wasn't sure what I was fighting for. I didn't have any loyalty to the Akatsuki, and I knew they had none to me—I was only here because of Hidan, I was only fighting because of Hidan. It was all because of him.

A branch snapped behind me, and I stiffened, but the footsteps were lazy. They were in no hurry. When I turned to look at Hidan, he was stained with blood, the rainwater turning it pink as it slowly washed off him. his hair had fallen over his face and he had his scythe swung over his shoulder. He raked his gaze over me, just for a moment, but I swore I saw him do it, even pausing as he saw the gash on my leg. "Come on, I'm fucking sick of this rain. Building's gonna go up in fucking flames in a minute, anyway."

I stepped over the body that now lay still, trudging after Hidan as he led me through the unfamiliar forest. Several minutes into our trek, and a deafening boom echoed throughout the woods, making the ground beneath my feet tremble in the aftermath. I almost stumbled before I whirled around and peered up at the plume of smoke curling into the air. It quickly died due to the downpour, but the scent of charred wood carried in on the drenched winds. Hidan never paused, and I had to jog to catch back up to him.

As I glanced over Hidan, I noticed he wasn't entirely unscathed, himself. His wounds would heal within hours though, most shallow though there was a stab wound here and there. Hidan never was too careful in battle; why bother when he knew he wouldn't die?

Moist earth soon gave way to paved paths, and when I next raised my head, I was greeted by buildings with their curtains drawn tight. The rain had chased the villagers off the streets, giving the place an eerie, abandoned feeling to it. The only sound was that of the rain, and of our own footsteps. "I'm not making my way all the way back to that shithole tonight," I heard Hidan grumble, as if answering the question I hadn't yet asked. He led me up to one of the few buildings that appeared alive, the windows weren't covered and allowed a sliver of warm light to welcome us inside.

Hidan shoved the door open without warning, and I had to fight the urge to protest his violent entry. The poor clerk stood frozen at the desk, her eyes round and face pale as her gaze bounced from Hidan to me. I offered her an apologetic smile as I shut the door behind me. I glanced with a guilty wince at the puddle of pinkish rainwater accumulating on the floor courtesy of us, and pitied the person who was going to have to clean up after us.

Hidan didn't even have to say a word before the clerk held out a key with a shaking hand. He took it from her without so much as a second glance, but she flinched as if he'd threatened her. As I passed the poor thing, I murmured my thanks to her, before hurrying after Hidan's retreating figure, worried that if I didn't stay close he might just lock me out of the room. "You scared her half to death," I scolded him, but he only snorted in response.

Once inside the room, Hidan slammed the door shut behind me, the loud sound making me pin my ears down. It hadn't seemed possible, but the bedroom was even colder than the lobby had been, and in my soaking clothes, I soon began shivering. I turned around to gauge the room, and of course, immediately noticed a glaring detail; one bed. A prickling feeling needled at me; while yes, I shared Hidan's bed back home, and had for some time now, the clerk had no way of knowing that. I knew I wasn't being fair, it was very likely everyone in this village was familiar with the partnerships in the Akatsuki, and the clerk knew very well I wasn't Hidan's partner. She'd gone with her best guess. That still didn't erase that twinge of annoyance.

To my left, a door slammed shut again, and soon the sound of running water started. I sighed as I glanced down at my only set of clothes; I wasn't about to stay in the wet garments all night, and I longed for a shower, myself. Maybe they would dry by morning, I thought to myself as I stripped to my underwear and hung my clothes over a chair near the window. Granted, there was no sun to dry them, but perhaps in the morning they'd get a little sunlight. I wandered over to the dresser and started to rifle through the drawers. I found a towel, and after a little more snooping, found meager medical supplies, but it was good enough.

I took a seat at the table in the room and studied the wound on my thigh. Stitches would probably be better, but a bandage would have to do. I hissed as I cleaned the gash and wrapped gauze around it tight. While I tended to myself, I heard the shower turn off, and a few minutes later the door clicked open. I spared Hidan a glance, noting he was dressed in only his boxers. Past him, I noticed his pants and cloak draped across the counter to dry. "Fucking rain," he mumbled under his breath, pushing a hand through his hair to slick it out of his eyes.

Mouth dry, I ignored him in favor of slipping past him and stowing away in the bathroom, myself. The warmth of the shower soothed away the goosebumps on my skin, the icy chill inside me thawing as I relaxed. I spent several minutes under the water, until I realized I was practically asleep on my feet. Although reluctant to enter the cool air again, I turned the shower off and snatched up my towel, rushing to dry off before I could start to shiver.

I combed my hair with my fingers as I stood wrapped up in the towel, not looking forward to putting on my damp underwear again, but I couldn't bring myself to sleep naked. Yes, I saw the irony there.

Dressing in my meager clothes, I creaked the door open and glanced outside. Hidan was already in bed, faced away from me and breathing deep. Good, he was asleep. Quiet as could be, I slipped into bed myself, pulling the thin sheet over me. I already missed the hot shower, but I was too tired to focus much on the chill. I buried my face against the pillow and listened to the soothing fall of the rain outside. It sounded like it was starting to ease up; hopefully we wouldn't have to swim home, come tomorrow morning. Weariness settled over me like a blanket, and the wall in front of my blurred as I blinked.

I never remembered falling asleep, but the next thing I knew, sunlight was searing my eyelids. I furrowed my eyebrows and buried myself backwards against the mass of heat wrapped around me. That was weird, I went to bed last night wet and cold, why was I so warm, now? I shifted a little, but the warmth never left, it was no dream. It took me a few more minutes to convince myself to wake up enough to want to sit up. I blinked my eyes open and squinted at the window where the sunlight spilled in. While not too grateful for the sudden blinding light, at least the incessant rain had stopped.

I moved to sit up, only to find that I couldn't. Startled, I snapped wide awake and glanced down at the arm wrapped snug around my waist, the source of the heat and imprisonment. Hidan had me pulled back against his chest, I realized, now feeling each rise and fall of his breathing. I stared wide-eyed at the window as I struggled to process the situation I was trapped in. When had he moved, how had I not woken up? Had he done it in his sleep? Fuck, how I was going to move without waking him up?

Hidan's breath fanned across the back of my neck as he shifted a little in his sleep, and I shuddered, but that wasn't entirely the reason. This was wrong, it was bad, we didn't belong like this—but none of that made me want to move. None of those glaring realizations made it uncomfortable, made me feel any amount of repulsed or afraid or angry. I felt none of it, even when I tried to call it forward. Where had it all gone? It was still there, it had to be, but it wasn't pulsing in my chest the way it used to. I felt…okay. Everything felt okay. It wasn't okay.

My heartbeat began to quicken as anxiety surged to the forefront. I should have shoved Hidan away the moment I'd woken up. It would've made him wake up swearing, and we could've argued, and everything would be normal, it would be okay. Instead, I lay still, locked in the embrace of a man I'd once called monster. He still was, but…what was I? What was my own destructive, angry, spiteful existence? Where we clashed, there were bruises. Where we were different, we…almost fit together. A puzzle that was burned and broken and bloody.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to raise one of Hidan's arms so I could slide across the bed and out of his grip. Hidan didn't tighten his grasp, thankfully, and with a bit of patient squirming, I managed to peel myself away from him. I set Hidan's arm back down on the bed, and I exhaled the breath I'd held throughout that entire escape, my heart thundering in my throat. I glanced down at Hidan's sleeping face, and found myself staring for a few seconds too long. He looked so peaceful, his face relaxed, free of any scowl or smirk. He looked young, soft, almost, almost unrecognizable. But whether he was like this, or sneering with contempt, he was still the same person. I found myself reaching, almost touching Hidan's sleeping face, only to freeze.

No, no, no.

I recoiled and whipped away, squeezing my eyes shut. I tried my best to be quiet as I dressed, almost tearing through my clothes in my haste. They were still damp, but they'd dry out in the sun. I had to get out, I had to get away from him. I shut the door with a soft click, and bolted down the corridor. Not even the clerk was at the desk as I shoved my way through the door. Only outside did I seem able to take a deep enough breath. I sat down hard on the steps outside as I waited to calm down, my insides feeling like they were writhing inside me.

There was no reason to be so upset over something so stupid, something Hidan probably had no idea he'd even done, but it wasn't Hidan I was so worried about. It was me. Even if Hidan never knew about it, I would. Had things been reversed, I was sure Hidan would just shove me off and be done with it, it wouldn't be the incident it was now. Right? I was just handling this wrong, I was overthinking it. There was nothing to be so worried over.

But wasn't there?

I had to face it. I couldn't hide from it, I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I'd been slipping. I'd been getting comfortable. I'd never noticed my hatred and my anger slipping through my fingers, just like sand, until all the sand was at the bottom of the glass. When this started, all of it, the sand was all on top of me, and I was suffocating. Now, I was standing upright, looking down at all of the sand, at everything that had happened. I'd risen above the sand, used it to build my steps out. I'd never noticed I was moving on, never noticed how things were changing, they just…seemed so different, one day. One day, instead of a scowl, Hidan was smirking. One day, instead of cursing and screaming, I was laughing.

One day, things were…

"You," a voice said suddenly, accusatory. I gasped and jumped off the steps, snapping around to face Hidan as he came out of the hotel, looking a little less than happy. "Where the hell did you disappear off to? How long have you even been out here?"

I stumbled over my voice as I took a step away, grasping at straws when it came to an explanation. "It hasn't been long, I just needed some fresh air," I explained, tugging at the ends of my hair. "It's not like I could go that far. Besides, I was hoping the sun would dry my clothes." That was a fair enough explanation. Once a liar, always a liar. My voice was a bit sharp, though, and I was worried that might disclose my anxiety.

If Hidan noticed, he didn't let on; I shouldn't have had any real worry, Hidan was often as observant as a tree. He did narrow his eyes at me as he walked towards me, reaching for my wrist. I gasped as he pulled me forward, tensing in preparation for whatever he was about to do.

Instead, he simply leaned in closer to my face. "Don't fucking do that again. There's bad shit out here," he said, before pushing me away with a light shove and walking past me as if he'd never said a word. I blinked after him, dumbstruck.

"Don't make me come fucking get you," Hidan called, never even turning around. Swallowing, I took off at a jog after him. I kept a safe distance between us this time, though. Once, I found myself rubbing thoughtfully at my wrist, and I slammed my arms down at my sides, staring resolutely at the ground instead of up at Hidan. Maybe those antibiotics had messed up my head; more than it already was, at least.

The journey back to the base passed in silence, and the air was tense. I wasn't sure if it was my fault, or if Hidan was still annoyed at my earlier disappearance, sure wasn't gonna open my mouth and ask. He didn't seem to care when I wandered off around the base, but perhaps that was because I was so familiar with it now, and I was so often in reach of one of the other members…maybe.

Once home, I separated from Hidan's side without a word. I itched to get away, and he wouldn't have time to bother me anyway; since Kakuzu hadn't gone, that left Hidan to write the mission report on his own.

As bored as I often got while working chores around the base, I turned to that today instead of risking sitting in my own head. Cleaning and wandering the base kept me distracted and prevented my mind from focusing too hard on things I'd rather it didn't. I'd have to face those things eventually.

Today was just not that day.

* * *

"You've got to slow down before you drop dead, yeah," Deidara said dully from his spot on the couch. I didn't even look up at him, because I knew I'd see that stupid expression that saw right through me. Slowly, I set down the statue I'd been rearranging for the past fifteen minutes. I must've walked past Deidara fifty times in the past hour he'd come into the living area. With a reluctant glance outside, I noticed it had fallen dark at some point. I'd been at this longer than I'd realized, and soon after that realization, I felt the heaviness in my muscles. Had I even sat down upon arriving home hours earlier, in the faint morning?

I blew my hair from my eyes as I straightened, wincing as my back popped a few times. Deidara clicked his tongue, and I could all but hear the "I told you so" from him. "Why're you so antsy today? Is it Hidan, did something happen on the mission, yeah?" he asked, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees.

I stiffened a bit at the question and didn't turn around. I hadn't faced any of that myself, yet, I sure wasn't about to divulge any of it to someone else. I swallowed the nervous laugh that threatened to bubble up, and instead forced out a scoff. "I'd let things go a little bit, is all. Once I get started it's hard to stop," I shrugged. "You're no different. Once you set off one bomb, you'll set off ten." I muttered the last part as I dusted my hands off, then scurried from the room to avoid any further interrogation. And, well, I heard Deidara's huff and didn't want to hear his defensive response.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I made my way back to my room. I wasn't as inconspicuous as I thought, if Deidara had spotted something was going on. A part of me wanted to spill everything to him, to have someone shout at me and call me crazy, tell me I was terrible. Another part of me wanted to bury everything deep, pretend it wasn't there.

Upon reaching the bedroom, I noticed Hidan's scythe was dripping a puddle of blood onto the floor, and Hidan was sitting at the desk, his hair damp from a recent shower. He was scribbling onto a scroll, and I realized he must've put off the report all day. I rolled my eyes at that, but I wasn't surprised. Hidan didn't acknowledge me as I fetched clean clothes and locked myself in the bathroom. I'd been stupid enough to stay in the same clothes I'd worn on the mission, having been too stubborn to go back to the bedroom because I'd wanted to avoid Hidan. Of course he'd wait until night to get the damn report out of the way. The silence had put me off a bit. I hadn't wanted to talk to Hidan, but when he hadn't said anything, it threw me off. Hidan always had something to say, even if it was pointless.

My stubbornness, it seemed, knew no bounds. I stayed in the bathroom as long as possible, and I must've brushed my hair six times before I finally gave up and left the sanctuary. I blinked in the darkness that greeted me, and when I glanced at the bed, I found Hidan already asleep. Perfect, my time spent hiding hadn't been for nothing.

As I padded to the bed, I paused at the edge, and glanced towards what had once been my usual spot on the floor. I considered sleeping there, for long enough that I actually moved towards it. I paused and grit my teeth, shaking my head at my own foolishness. What was I doing? Was I really going to let one incident, a few thoughts or feelings, control me? I had fucking clawed my way from the floor, I'd earned my place here.

I crawled spitefully into bed, turned away from Hidan. I was being stupid, childish. There was nothing there, I was worried over something that didn't even exist. "What's wrong with you?" I murmured to myself, scrubbing a hand over my face. It didn't matter, it meant nothing, but I couldn't shake the thoughts that had haunted me all day. It had been going on for a while now, hadn't it? These things weren't new, but I was only just now seeing them, realizing them.

I shivered. I wished Hidan would roll over and pull me against him again. The thought was gone as soon as it presented, crushed by my hateful fist.

Everything was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: "Fuck this was a long chapter" said past me. "Haha, watch this!" said future me.
> 
> Old Note: Fuck, this was a long chapter, I hope this doesn't annoy any of you.
> 
> TheGirlWithNoIQ: I just love you and your reviews, we should be friends. *Internet hug!* Thank you so much!


	24. Chapter 24

"Thud!" The painful sound of my body dropping to the forest floor was nothing compared to my indignant shout. I hadn't climbed very far into the tree, but that didn't make the ground any softer. I lay there staring up, the blue of the sky peeking through the foliage almost as if to check on me. I'd gotten too deep inside my own head and must've leaned too far to one side, toppling out of the branch I'd called home for the past couple of hours. I'd been spending the majority of my time out of the base, despite the biting cold air outside. I couldn't think straight, not even long enough to sit up in a damn tree. My thoughts always ended up wandering to the very thing I was trying to avoid, try as I might. For such a liar, I was terrible at lying to myself.

At least, I'd like to tell myself that, but maybe I'd been lying to myself for quite a while, now.

That was a realization I had been trying to run away from for days, now. Surely you've been told you can't outrun your problems, but fuck you and that statement. I've been known to turn a blind eye to plenty of reasonable, logical things, and I could always run until I was breathless. If I couldn't breathe, I would faint, and then I wouldn't be stuck with these feelings that made my chest and head alike ache. God, fuck this.

With a heavy sigh, I dragged myself off the ground, but when I tried to walk, I fell flat on my face again. The ground was a remorseless bitch as I braced my hands against it, just barely avoiding breaking my nose. I aimed a callous look at the tree root that had just tripped me. I yanked my foot free of its clutches, spitting a curse at the forest. Maybe if I garnered the rage of a forest god, it would finish me off before something worse got to me. I could feel it coming; a beast in the distance, a looming shadow just above me, if only I'd turn around to face it, but I wasn't going to. I was happy to close my eyes and pretend I was completely oblivious.

Coward.

As I ripped myself up off the ground, dusting myself of my embarrassment, I continued on my (un)merry way. What was the easiest way to distract yourself from something bad? Thinking up a list of something good? That might work. I tapped my chin in thought as I waded through my memory. Maybe if I said it out loud, it would help; the silence of the forest was getting to me. "Books," I said to myself, "I like reading."

Hm…what else? God, who was I? I'd spent years just trying to survive, and I'd hardly built myself after that. "Animals, soft animals…not bugs, though." Bugs were bad, spiders especially. Anything with more than four legs made me itch and want to hide from it, despite probably being ten times its size. I glanced up at the sky when I passed under a patch of sunlight. The sky was nice too, I enjoyed watching the sun rise or set, watching the sky change colors. I liked colors too, the deep green of the forest, the red of a strawberry patch, the purple of an early morning. Purple was a nice color, actually, there were so many variations. Lavender, violet, fuchsia.

Fuchsia.

Fuchsia eyes.

Rough hands, rougher words.

Before I even realized it, my thoughts took a sharp turn, taking me headlong down a malicious and dark road. I was staring right into bright fuchsia eyes.

With a scream, I bolted upright—why was I sitting, when had I sat down? I whipped my head around frantically; surrounding me was nothing but trees. I was still in the forest. Breathing heavily, I leaned back against the tree I'd settled against, icy relief in my chest. Had I fallen asleep? Well, I hadn't been able to sleep very well, lately. I must've been more out of it than I ever thought.

I clutched my head in my hands as I stared in horrified disbelief at the dirt under me. I was truly, finally losing it, wasn't I? My thoughts always crept back towards him. Hadn't they done that ever since I met him, no matter the different reasons? I missed when I only thought about him to hate him, to consider my options for escape or fighting back. Hidan controlled so many aspects of my life, he didn't have the right to control my thoughts, god damn it! He couldn't get inside my head!

That was a fight I wasn't losing—I'd already lost, hadn't I?

Stupid, stupid girl. It was me who had no right. I had no right to think like this. I hated Hidan, and I couldn't afford to believe anything otherwise. It would get me killed. Hidan had bought me, a slave, nothing more. He used me like a slave, like a toy, I was nothing else to him.

The sting of that thought hurt more than it had any business to.

I stumbled off the ground and took off at a dead run. Yeah, there I went, trying to outrun those problems again. Second (or twelfth) time's the charm, right? I had no right feeling hurt or angry over something I had known since the beginning. I hated Hidan, and he hated me; I knew both of those things, nothing could change those things. Nothing.

So why, then?

Run, run, just run until you can't feel anything anymore. My legs burned and my chest ached, and I clung to that pain, focusing on it until it was I could think about. All of the rage, all of the adrenaline, it was all I had. I couldn't hold onto those other feelings, the ones that were chimerical and childish and worthless to me. They would only end in disaster. I would break myself before Hidan ever did, wouldn't I?

I was a slave, I would never be anything else; not even when Hidan finally grew bored of me. Either he would kill me or he would abandon me, and I found myself ill when I realized I hoped it'd be the former. A slave does not…feel the things I felt, and they do not receive those feelings in return. A slave did not deserve feelings.

A slave did not have feelings.

It wasn't real.

Hate. Hate and anger, and sorrow, and sometimes fear. Those were the things I needed to feel, the only things I felt for Hidan; the man who had taken everything.

Has he really done worse than anyone else?

He stole from me. He stole my pride, my body, my freedom.

Has he not given it back? Has he not given you more than anyone else ever has?

Did I really have to pay such a price for it all? Was my penance worth everything else? I grit my teeth. Hidan had given me hell, and I'd given it right back. It was the same game, just different levels. We were both fucked up, weren't we? So we just fucked each other up? No, I wasn't going to fall for that. None of it. I couldn't.

Who are you trying so hard to convince?

I grunted when I rounded a corner and clipped someone with my shoulder. I glanced at Deidara as he straightened back up, scowling with that one damn visible eye. "Watch where the hell you're going, un," he snapped, prissy attitude in place as ever. I flipped him off as I shoved my way past him again. The little bitch should learn to get the fuck out of the way, unless he couldn't see past that long fucking hair.

"Take the fucking scope off your eye and maybe you'd fucking see," I hissed back, already in a mood without Deidara's fucking help. I scowled at the empty living room, she wasn't there, either. "Where the hell does she disappear to?" I muttered under my breath, already fed up with her. I had seen probably five fucking minutes of the mutt in the past week, what the fuck did she do, teleport away the moment she heard me coming? Whatever the hell her problem was, she'd better get over it fast, I was getting sick of her avoiding me.

I cut my eyes towards Deidara when I heard him start to snicker. The little shit had to know something, Amaya was always clinging to his Jashin-damn arm half the fucking time. "What, you miss her already, un?" Deidara asked, with a coy fucking smile.

I narrowed my eyes and turned around to knock the fucking smirk off his stupid face, but the brat backed away out of easy reach. You couldn't use the same tricks twice, I'd give the bitch that much. "I couldn't give a fuck about that waste of space, but she's got shit she needs to do," I snapped, fist clenched at my side and daring him to open his damn mouth again. What they said about blondes being idiots was proving to be true, because Deidara did exactly that, scoffing like he just couldn't fucking believe what he'd heard.

"That's why you've been going all guard dog on her, yeah? I'm not fucking blind, you won't let anyone touch her," Deidara sneered.

Of fucking course I didn't, she didn't fucking belong to any of the heathen bastards. Deidara lifted his chin, that damn smirk in place, and finally bit off more than he could fucking chew. "You couldn't live without her, now, yeah."

I swung my clenched hand at him, and it collided with the smug bitch's face. Seeing the blood drip down his chin was damn satisfying, but as he held a hand up to his mouth, that fucking smirk was still in place. "Go ahead, prove my point, yeah."

Oh, I was about do something. "I don't give a fuck about that bitch, and I never have," I said, jaw clenched tight. "She's just a fucking pet, she's nothing more than a stray dog I fucking took in. I could walk out and sacrifice her right fucking now and get a new whore that's twice as good!" I was spitting my words now, watching as Deidara straightened up and wiped the blood from his chin. He glared at me with such force, I expected him to actually fucking fight me. Fine, fuck it—it'd been a while since I'd killed anyone who put up a real fight.

Deidara's lips curled into a cold smile that made me want to smash his fucking head into the wall. "Yeah?" he started, "so why haven't you, already?"

I felt myself stiffen at the question. Where the hell was he trying to get at? I wasn't fucking ready to get rid of her, she was still good for a few fucking things. It was no one else's fucking business. "Because I'm not fucking done with her—" I was just getting ready to tear Deidara a new fucking mouth when the fucker lunged at me, driving a fist into my jaw. I swore at the cocky fucking runt and shoved him back, listening as his head cracked against the closest wall. "You little fuck!"

Deidara huffed out a laugh, his lips pulling into a smile that was a little manic, even for him. "It's been a year Hidan, a fucking year, yeah," he said, and I froze. It hadn't been a fucking year, there was no fucking way. "You always get rid of everyone after a few weeks, you've never kept anyone this long, but look at her! She's practically living free, yeah!" Deidara gestured to the side, scowling as he started raising his voice. "She's different, isn't she? What's so special about her, un?"

That was fucking it. I wrenched a kunai off the nearest table, one that someone must've been sharpening, and I went for Deidara's fucking throat. The fucking bitch ducked out of the way and got his hands on his shitty pouch of clay. "Get back here, you son of a bitch!" I snarled, correcting my aim, but I couldn't make up for Deidara's dodge and only managed to catch him on the chest with the weapon. He hissed, blood spilling down his shirt from the gash I'd left.

The little fucker was fast; he'd already made one of his shitty bombs before I realized he'd pulled his hand from that pouch. He swung the white bird at me, and I had to flip out of the way, but the searing heat from the bomb still flashed across my right arm and shoulder. "Fuck," I seethed, landing hard and swinging my arm to send the kunai rocketing towards the smug fucking brat.

The blade caught the side of Deidara's face, leaving a shallow wound on his cheek. Breathing hard, Deidara reached to wipe off the trickle of blood. "You just can't fucking admit it, can you?" he said, glancing down at the red staining his hand. "Why is she so important, yeah? You've given her the freedom to fight, to leave, you even—"

I punched him across the fucking mouth to shut him up. I didn't give two fucks about that fucking bitch, she was nothing but something to play with until I got fucking bored of her. So what if she was better than the others, so what if she was more exciting? At least she could take a fucking hit, at least she—fuck! "Just shut the fuck up!" I snapped, yanking the kunai out of the wall. I was going to drive it into Deidara's damn heart before he could finish that fucking bomb he was trying to make.

Before either of us could move again, black threads wrapped around my wrist and ripped me backwards, throwing me off Deidara before I could finish what he'd fucking started. I scowled towards the blond, but I noticed he seemed frozen in place too, and that was when I caught sight of the faint chakra strings attached to him. Oh, that was just fucking great.

"What are you two fighting about, this time?" a voice sighed, and Deidara cut his eyes to look at Sasori as the puppet bastard emerged from the corridor. Not far behind him was my own son of a bitch partner.

"None of your fucking business—get the fuck off, Kakuzu!" I grit my teeth as I yanked on the threads. I was going to sacrifice that fucking terrorist if it was the last thing I did, and I didn't care if Pein himself had a fucking aneurism over it. Kakuzu let go; let me go right into the fucking wall. I swore as I hit my head against the hard-ass stone, already feeling the headache on its fucking way. "What the fuck was that for?!" I spat, turning my rage onto Kakuzu. Sasori was already leading Deidara away by the wrist.

"Why are you destroying everything over a childish tantrum?" Kakuzu asked, not looking any less pissed off than Sasori had. I opened my mouth, ready to show him a "childish tantrum" if he wanted, but the dumbass walked away before even letting me say anything.

"Because he fucking deserves to lose his head!" I shouted after Kakuzu's retreating back, just to have the last fucking word. I stormed off to my room, ready to find something else to sacrifice. I didn't have to explain shit to Deidara, she was mine, I just fucking enjoyed her. Fuck, not like—as a fucking slave, that was it. She was nothing more, she was worth nothing more. Reaching my room, I drove my fist into the nearest wall, but it did nothing to sap my fucking anger.

Damn bitch, I wasn't going to put up with this.

I couldn't have been gone that long, but by the time I got back, the front living area was in total disarray. I stared at the mess, aghast at the blood splattered on the floor and walls. You know, I didn't leave the place just so they could go and tear it all apart again. What, I walked out of the base and someone, most likely Hidan, took that as a challenge?

As I neared the walls, I noticed telltale scorch marks. Oh, so Deidara had a hand in it as well? I wasn't surprised, with the way he and Hidan had seemed to be at each other's throats as of late. I allowed my gaze to follow the path of destruction, brows furrowed as I drank it all in. Fuck, had someone actually died in here? Was that a stab indentation?!

Okay, I had to pull myself together and put this place back in order, before someone else stumbled across it. I'd rather do it myself than have Hidan happen by and order me to fix the mess; once I'd been ordered to do something, it seemed to sap all of my motivation to actually do said something.

What on earth could have triggered such a fight? I only could guess that it was Hidan and Deidara, the scorch marks were enough of a hint, and I suspected the only person who would scrap with Deidara would be Hidan. Sasori only argued with Deidara, after all, I doubted he'd ever try to hurt his partner. Hidan, though? Hidan would be glad to hurt anybody, and Deidara definitely had been riling him lately. I thought back to the blond's earlier revelations to me, only to shake them off, nothing but rainwater to trickle away. He was wrong. He had to be wrong.

It took nearly an hour to put the room back together, and there was still a suspicious spot on the wall that was a few shades darker than the rest of it. It'd add character, I thought to myself as I dusted my hands off. My back seemed to creak as I straightened; okay, I'd had enough of today, I was ready for today to be over. And how do we end a day early? By going to sleep, and hoping things are different when we wake up!

With that perfectly healthy mechanism in mind, I headed for the bedroom. I'd gotten halfway there before even pausing to ask myself what I was going to do if I met Hidan there. Did I have to do anything at all, couldn't I just pretend things were…normal? They were, weren't they? Nothing had changed, nothing was different, so why should I act like they were? That was reasonable.

I had just opened the door, hardly even having stepped inside, when I found my gaze locked with that of absolute anger. I had to blink to tear myself away from the captivating fuchsia, my heart sinking down somewhere in my gut. My hackles rose instinctively, and out came a defensive question. "What now?"

Hidan narrowed his eyes, and I found myself lost again, unable to look away. Even when he stood and stormed towards me, I couldn't snap out of it long enough to move—that suited him fine, he only shoved me out of the way. "Move, you fucking stupid slave," he snapped under his breath. I stumbled to the side, turning to look at his retreating figure all the while.

I was used to the words, but there was something about them, something different. I leaned heavily against the wall, my chest heavy as I listened until his footsteps faded. I wanted to believe he was pissed off after a fight with Deidara, I wanted to. But his eyes, the way they burned when they locked onto mine, holding on for too long.

What the hell had I done?

What the hell were we doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Lmao hey so turns out, I'm still as dramatic as ever. Also, still support SasoDei, get wrecked.
> 
> Old Note: SASODEI FANS ANYONE PLEASE YES?
> 
> Fuck that fight gave me an adrenaline rush.
> 
> Homework: What's your favorite color?


	25. Chapter 25

I could feel it deep inside, the fractures cracking ever deeper, giving way to bleeding, angry crevices that spilled secrets and lies.

I was reaching a breaking point and I couldn't understand why. I was either going to snap or cry, and I'll tell you right now, I was _not_ going to cry. I was not going to lose that battle again, not over that son of a bitch. I had done plenty of crying, I'd had plenty of breakdowns, not anymore, not over this. I would sooner swallow my own heart whole, and I could feel it steadily trying to escape me, threatening to beat out of my ribcage.

Hidan had gone well out of his way to avoid me for at least a solid week; at first I hadn't kept count, but after around the fourth day was when I'd realized what was going on. It had been a silent, tense week, the emptiest week of the past year. It was suffocating, I could actually hear myself think and I couldn't stand it. I'd once sought out isolation, just a moment of peace, a moment away, but now? Now that it wasn't a choice? I found myself almost missing his voice. Everything felt wrong, too quiet, too different. I didn't like different.

Every time I walked into a room, if Hidan happened to be inside, he'd only shoot me a quick look, narrow his eyes, and walk out before I could so much as open my mouth. At night, he didn't come to bed; I don't know where he went, or if he slept there when I left for the day, it wasn't like I could ask him, nor could I ask why he was ignoring me out of nowhere.

I…might not have had any room to talk there, myself, but I was still frustrated.

I could have seen it coming, considering all the heinous or stupid things Hidan's done before, but I still didn't understand. I almost felt crazy for even thinking Hidan would go out of his way for anything regarding me, but I couldn't put away my suspicions, it was obvious. Was it my fault? I could hardly remember what I'd last said to Hidan, much less something that could have dug such a rift. We had fought countless times in the past, there had been more screaming matches and arguments and thrown punches than I could count. We had always settled things in much louder ways, we'd never just…avoided one another.

I think we were avoiding more than each other.

It was starting to make me paranoid. If he didn't want to see me, didn't want to deal with me, maybe he was finally sick of me; maybe it had all been nothing but a sick waiting game. I'd been a fucking idiot, I'd gotten too comfortable, now he didn't even want anything to do with me. My time was running out, wasn't it? What was I going to do? Why hadn't I fucking prepared for this, I'd known it would happen, it always happened. Every time you trusted someone, every time you settled down, that ground you'd once thought to be so steady absolutely erupted beneath your feet.

Grumbling under my breath, I slammed the door shut as I left the room. I heard something inside fall over, but that sounded like a problem for whoever walked into the room next. My temper had always been bad, but at least I didn't go around stabbing the next person I saw every time I got a little angry. At least I was better than that.

I paused when I noticed the door to Hidan's room standing open. I was certain I'd closed it after getting up that morning. I was losing it, but not that much…not yet. So, he'd finally decided to show his face, huh? I glanced over my shoulder as I debated turning on my heel and walking right back down the hall, walking away from my problems again. I scowled at myself. I'd done enough of that, I finally had the chance to confront Hidan and I couldn't throw it away. It might result in a blow up I wasn't prepared for, but I'd rather bite off more than I could chew and choke on it than never have another taste.

I didn't know what Hidan's problem was—and he _was_ the problem, not me—but I was gonna find out, and he was gonna get over it. I know, I know, curiosity killed the cat…but I was no fucking cat.

Steeling myself, I squared my shoulders and marched into the room. I found my target sitting at the desk, staring down at a familiar book that I recognized as the Jashinist bible. Hidan didn't look up, engrossed in the bible, giving me the perfect chance to catch him off guard. Well, unless he threw the book at me. I shoved the door shut, and the resounding slam snapped Hidan out of his concentration. He whirled around to face me, putting his arm on the back of the chair. Upon seeing me, his surprise sharpened into a glare. I felt my courage dwindle a bit, but I quickly took a pitcher of rage to fill the glass back up. I was here for a reason, I couldn't let him intimidate me out of it.

"What the fuck do you want?" Hidan asked, never once relaxing.

I scoffed in complete disbelief, putting a hand to my chest. "Me?" I asked, incredulous. "Don't fucking ask me that, what about you?" Hidan's brows furrowed, funny how I'd thought he couldn't look any more annoyed. "Don't play dumb with me. You haven't even spoken to me in, what, a week? You hardly even look at me!"

Oh, oh no, I didn't like the way that had sounded. I couldn't take it back though, so I had to roll with it. "Are you just throwing a fucking fit like you like to do, or have I actually done something? Because if I have, you can just tell me instead of running away from me like a fucking coward!"

Well, that had definitely sounded better, but it had also probably just buried me. I didn't regret it though, there wasn't enough room for regret in my chest.

Hidan sat still, eyes narrowed at me as if he was trying to decide if I'd really just said what I had. If my stupidity was surprising even to Hidan, I must've really overstepped. Not that I'd ever looked at boundaries, I merrily traipsed all over them, never once noticing when I'd gone too far until I crashed into the wall…or someone shoved me back over the line.

"Well, you're always fucking doing something," Hidan finally said, voice lazy, cool. "It's not like anyone can fucking leave your ass alone for ten minutes, or you find some way to get into fucking trouble." I scowled at that, both offended and surprised, though I shouldn't have really been either. Almost all of the times I'd gotten hurt or into "trouble" in this place hadn't been my fault. Most of the times. I spluttered for a reply, but Hidan was already talking again. Of course, now that I wanted him to shut up for a second, he wasn't going to. "I don't have to fucking watch you every second, I'll do whatever the fuck I want," he raised his voice that time, "if you need attention so fucking bad, go whore off to someone who gives a fuck!"

I froze, shocked into silence so fast it felt as if I'd lost my voice. I was so used to Hidan's invective that I didn't think it would bother me anymore, but that comment still caught me off guard, it still stung. I couldn't let him see that though, and I was quick to try and school my expression into something neutral again. I had started this, I couldn't let him finish it, couldn't let him see the effect he'd had. He would take that inch and run ten fucking miles with it.

"I don't want your attention," I spat, tempted to reach for the closest thing to throw at his head. "If anyone's whoring around, it's you! Look what you fucking did to me! I've been here a fucking year doing everything you want, everything you ask, I've had no fucking choice!" I was screaming at that point, waving my arms, hardly even looking at Hidan anymore. The words were spilling out of me like water pouring through a cracked dam; something in me had cracked, and I couldn't seem to find it in time to patch it. I was too angry, too filled to the brim with sharp words and accusations, and they'd been building up for so, so long.

I wasn't breaking…I was already broken. I'd been broken, and somewhere along the way, I had snatched up old pieces, built new pieces, and furiously shoved them together. I'd made someone entirely new.

"I just can't understand you! You'll put me through hell and then one day, out of nowhere, you treat me like a person, like I matter! I don't fucking get it, I don't know how I should fucking feel about you!" I stopped then, my chest aching for air as I panted raggedly, standing with shaking hands. When I looked down, I realized they were trembling because I was clenching them so hard. My eyes were damp, I noticed, and I slammed them shut to blink away that weakness. No, not today. Not for him.

Speaking of, Hidan hadn't moved, he hadn't said a word to interrupt me, he'd done nothing but sit, watching, listening. Hidan stared in unnerving silence; I'd actually managed to shut him up for a change, however briefly. He stood up suddenly, hands balled up at his sides. His teeth grit into a snarl as he approached me, looking very angry and very big. I took a deep breath, like I could puff myself up. Hidan caged around me, somehow pinning me back into the wall without ever putting a hand on me.

"This is all your fucking fault, fucking all of it," Hidan's voice rumbled in his chest, rumbled in me.

Thunder, thunder. Thunder and lightning.

My eyes were wide as I watched him, almost unable to process what he was saying. "If you hadn't shot off your Jashin-damn mouth, I'd never have fucking looked at you, I never would have to put up with you!" Hidan huffed out a mirthless laugh, straightening. "Fuck, you're just a fucking curse is what you are, a piece of fucking bad luck that I can't get rid of!"

Reeling, I couldn't find my voice, I could only stand in breathless shock. Had he really just fucking said that, did he really think it had been me, my fault? I hadn't done any of this, I hadn't—

"Fuck you!" I spat, furious and graceless. "I didn't ask for any of this, you bastard! None of it! I never asked to be a fucking slave, I didn't ask to end up here!" I beat a fist against Hidan's chest, and the satisfaction I felt when he stumbled back a step did nothing to douse my burning ire. "This was all you! You're the fucking devil, you're everything I fucking hate, and I still can't get away from you! You're destroying me!"

I could practically feel the last shreds of my control dissolving, I was snapping; the embers that so often sparked between us, like we burned too hot to stand near each other, had burgeoned into a full-fledged wildfire. I wasn't going to get out of this without getting burned. Instead of trying to outrun the flames this time, though, I think I was running right into them.

Hidan spat out another cold laugh, like he just couldn't believe what I was saying, like I was a little girl throwing a tantrum. "You'd never be good for anything else, don't fucking kid yourself. You're nothing but a slave—and a fucking awful one," he sneered, "I thought you'd be a submissive little slut, but you're just a loud, destructive, shitty fucking mutt!"

I bared my teeth in a snarl. He wasn't going to blame me for this, not any of it. Was that why he was avoiding me, because he regretted it all, because I was ruining his life? Just like he'd fucking ruined mine, right?!

"Just like you're fucking insane!" I wasn't backing down. We were close, too close, and neither of us was going to be the first one down. We would rather burn each other alive. "You and your insane religion! You're just—just sadistic and cruel and crazy! You're the fucking devil himself, and I wish you'd killed me before you ever got the chance to do this to me! I don't fucking know who I am anymore!"

I wasn't sure what I meant by that, but maybe I meant everything, all of it. I was falling apart; I was coming completely undone and it was all Hidan's fault. I couldn't take it anymore, it felt like I'd been fighting so long, standing over the edge and clinging so hard that my hands were bleeding. I couldn't let go though, I couldn't fall, I didn't know what was there, I didn't know where I'd land. What if the landing finally killed me?

Staring up at Hidan, I found my ability to care was slipping. He was a monster, he was violent, he was terrifying—and he was mine.

"You're a fucking crazy bitch, you—" I reached up and curled my fingers around the cool silver of Hidan's pendant, and I yanked him down to cover his mouth with mine. It was hard, as violent as we were. Somewhere inside me, I felt my insides churning, my heart flipping inside me, as if I truly were falling. Neither of us moved until I broke the kiss, reluctantly pulling away and lowering from where I'd had to lean up. I looked up at him, uncertain of what to expect. What had I just done? The air grew thick with tension as the silence carried on, both of us holding the other's gaze as if waiting on the other to be the first to move. It was almost hard to breathe in that moment that wore on; when it shattered, it was like bursting from the water to take your first breath.

Hidan shoved me backwards, slamming me up against the wall as his mouth hungrily sought mine again, crushing our lips together in a kiss so hard it was dizzying. My back collided with the rough surface and my front was pinned by Hidan, and I had no choice but to cling to him, digging my nails into his shoulders. He bit at my lip until I opened my mouth, and the kiss tasted of iron as his tongue slipped past my lips. I moved one of my hands to tangle in his hair, tugging on the strands and listening at the growl that rumbled in his chest. Hidan's own hands clawed at my shirt, too impatient to take it off as always. He ripped the article right down the middle, as if it were paper. I was nothing in his hands.

_No. I was everything._

His hands were rough against my chest, fingers calloused as he rolled my nipples between them until they were hard, aching every time he pinched at them. I whined at a particularly hard pinch, nipping at Hidan's lower lip in retaliation. He groaned, smoothing the pads of his thumbs against the pebbled buds. I arched my back with a shudder, pushing my naked chest into Hidan's. I was sure he could feel my heartbeat.

I ground my hips into Hidan's and felt the hardness pressing against me. I'd wanted to see how far I could push him before he broke, but it was obvious it wasn't very far. The rest of our clothes fell to the floor in a hurry, nothing but a hindrance as we clawed at each other like we were animals. I jumped when his hands reached and squeezed my ass, a gasp tumbling from my lips. Without warning, I cried out as Hidan picked me up off the ground, the wall behind me supporting my back as I wrapped my legs around his waist. If I'd had the time, I'd have been impressed at how easily he held me.

I crushed my mouth against Hidan's in another brutal kiss, more teeth and tongue than any actual kissing. The length of his cock was hot as he rubbed against me, but I hardly needed any time, I was already dripping with anticipation. A low groan bubbled in my chest as Hidan slid inside of me, not pausing once as he filled me to the brim. It almost hurt to take all of him, but the distance ache only made me tighten my legs around Hidan's hips. Fuck, make it hurt.

The pain and pleasure were a heady mix that put me in a haze, and I could do nothing but rake my nails against Hidan's skin and cry out as he slammed his hips up into mine. He moaned into my mouth, panting against my lips as he dug his fingers into my thighs. It was hard and fast, it was wild and carnal; it was so very us. His eyes were closed, but mine were open; I looked at him, mapping out his features as I panted feverishly. It was so different, it was nothing like the first time, he was nothing like—

He had changed. Had I changed, too? What had made us change?

_Each other._

I threw my head against the wall and screamed, my orgasm crashing over me like a wave, and I was so willing to drown. I hadn't even noticed it coming, not until I was trembling, my voice spilling in incoherence, my muscles wound tight. It seemed to last forever, as Hidan's hips stuttered, whatever vicious rhythm he'd had now faltering. My nerves buzzed, my veins burned, it felt like I was the remnants of a drug, the high I was lost in made me feel like I was suspended in the air.

Hidan bit my neck, his teeth sinking in just over my pulse and drawing another shrill cry from me. Inside me, I felt a hot gush as he finished. It felt so possessive, somehow, to have him do that inside. A keening sound filled the air, at first I was too dazed to realize it was me, as I felt him rock his hips to ride out his own climax. I was breathless and boneless by then, all of the tension oozing from me.

Slowly, Hidan set me down, though I didn't much trust my legs at the moment. They trembled as I struggled to catch my bearings, and I lowered my arms from around Hidan's shoulders. At least I still had the wall to lean against, the coolness seeping into my overheated skin. Our lips brushed together for the briefest moment, not quite a kiss, and it was so transient I nearly doubted it had happened. Hidan pulled away, and as he let me go, I slowly slid down to the floor, glancing down at the mess we had just made.

Hidan stared at me a moment, I could feel him, before he turned and walked into the bathroom, appearing a little dazed, himself. The silence weighed heavy, and I actually wished he'd said something, though he rarely said something I liked. I wished I felt worse about what had just happened, about what I'd just done. I reached out for the guilt, the shame, the anger, but I grasped at straws. I was too far gone in the moment. It was wrong, it was terrible, Hidan really was the devil himself.

But I had always been destined for hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Me, 1am: Merrily writing!
> 
> Friend, passing by: don't you have to be up for work by 7?
> 
> Me, still 1am: Unmerrily writing!
> 
> Old Note: So.
> 
> Who's cheering for them and who's yelling at Amaya for her blasphemous feelings?
> 
> Also; thank you all so much and Merry Christmas to you all! Hope you all had lovely days whether you celebrated or not, and if you didn't have the best day ever, have a hug from me and Deidara. I can't get Hidan to give you one. Sorry!


	26. Chapter 26

"Crack!"

It trembled through the ground and into my veins, as if my body were an extension of the earth. Electricity so powerful, it could incinerate the strongest and oldest oak tree, scorching the bark with ease. Nature at war was a sight to behold. The lightning strike was so stark against the sky, turning the entire world dark for a heartbeat. In the moments after, the light in the sky dwindled, bleeding back into the clouds as if to regather the energy for another bolt. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with rain. Drops of fresh water trickled from my wet hair as I tilted my head back. The tree I sat beneath shielded me a bit from the rain, but I had walked through the storm, and the poor leaves above me could only hold so much. Besides, I wanted the rain; I wanted it to cleanse me, wash everything away. I had been burning for so long, too long. To finally extinguish was a great relief.

I swayed a bit on my feet, and I leaned backwards to press my back into the damp bark of the tree. I had been running, running for ages, it felt like; running until my lungs were screaming and my legs were shaking. I ran as far as I was allowed, throwing myself headlong into the deception of freedom. I had finally sought shelter beneath the tree, finding comfort in its towering height, in its inexorable strength, its age probably greater than my own, greater than anyone I knew. It might have the answers to everything, if only I could ask it. Instead, I stared above into the dizzying green of the foliage, searching for a solution. Maybe if I got struck by the lightning myself, it would alight some sort of divine wisdom in me. Actually, I might not want that, I couldn't handle the complex.

I was seventeen, by now, I knew the month but not the day. As I had told you before, I couldn't quite remember how old I was when I'd found myself abducted by people with rough hands and rougher hearts. They had sold me, throwing me into the slave trade and locking me away to a life of servitude, pain, and a likely death. I had made it further than most, though some people spent long lives in places like that, or even serving. I had met one woman who had grown up a slave of a household, and when the house (and consequently, the family) went up in flames, she'd been caught and, without any other life to live, she was sold back into slavery. She knew no other life, but worse than that? She hadn't wanted to. I'd never wanted to become like that. I grew up spiteful, baring my teeth at everyone who threatened me, and I sunk them into everyone who put a hand on me.

I had met countless people in my long time chained. I'd spent time in several compounds, I'd been in traveling caravans, I'd been sold, returned, sold, thrown away. Rinse and repeat. Masters and owners whose names I could no longer remember, whose only memory I had was a scar or a nightmare. I had lashed out, I had destroyed homes and flesh, I had made sure everyone who looked at me was too afraid to think of me as a pet. I was not made for a life like that. I was not made for anything delicate. I was all hard edges and sharp corners. But past that, I felt an ache; all those things protected something soft, and I'd spent so much time trying to crush that. Perhaps that was actually the hardest, strongest part of me. It had still ended up betraying me. That secret, fragile, soft part had bloomed, fed with anger and sprinkled with blood. I loved him.

I was in love with him.

I had fallen in love with a monster. The hands that had torn me apart, I fell into, until I felt put back together. I had been so angry at Hidan, I had feared him so terribly for so long. When had I stopped? When had I stopped either of those things? Hidan was dangerous, I would never kid myself into believing otherwise. I was not making Hidan to be something that he wasn't. He was a criminal, a murderer with no remorse. He was cruel, sadistic, borderline insane. But I had kept up with him this entire time, I'd clawed my way to the surface every time he'd dragged me under, refusing to drown. I had to be something just as bad. Or perhaps…

I had been stuck. I was on a road with two pathways; one that went nowhere, and one that led to an early death. I could've fought all I wanted, but it wouldn't have mattered. When Hidan and I met, he had dragged me away from all of that, carving out an entirely different path that I had been clawing my way through. It had taken me too long to notice I was forging forward, not chained down or broken at the side of the road. Now, I was standing, staring ahead into something I couldn't yet see. It was all blurry, it was all frightening.

Hidan had stoked the dying flames inside of me, he had given me a new reason to fight. Every time he hurt me, I got back to my feet. Every time he threatened me, I looked him in the eyes and dared him. Every time I hit the floor on my hands and knees, all he had to do was throw a glance and a smirk over his shoulder, and I was filled with a newfound longing for life. A chance to fight, a chance to win. Hidan wasn't going to win. Not with me behind him…but beside him? Maybe, maybe I would allow that.

I glanced down at my wrist and smoothed my thumb over the scar of the Jashin symbol, the corner of my mouth tugging up into a smirk. Hidan had marked me, a mark I'd wear forever. No matter what happened, I would always carry a part of him. His own twisted form of possessiveness, I supposed. I wasn't naïve; stupid, foolish, absolutely, but not naïve. I knew this couldn't last. How it would end, I wasn't sure, but it would probably go out in a devastating, flagrant blaze, just the way it had started. But even when it was gone, even when _he_ was gone, I'd always have his mark on me. On the inside as much as outside.

Huh. I wondered if maybe my hatred had finally grown so immense, it just collapsed on itself and flipped upside down into something entirely different. If nothing else made sense, why should that?

I swallowed thickly, the taste of rain on my lips, though it was saltier than I remembered. I shut my eyes, suddenly more grateful for the downpour than I'd been earlier. Pain swelled in my chest, and I dropped down to the ground, the wet grass crunching beneath me, but I was already soaked to the bone. I put a hand to my chest, where I felt my heart thundering against my fist.

Hidan had done heinous things to me, things that I hadn't forgotten, I promise. But he'd also been the only one to change my entire life, to give me a fighting chance. In the beginning, I think even Hidan had sought to destroy every chance I had. He had sought to destroy me, and suddenly, one day, just like what had happened to me, things were different…something had changed. I didn't think either of us ever expected things to go this way, to end up where we had. In fact, we'd both tried to fight it, tried to stop it, we were just too late. Either that, or we weren't strong enough. Things like this made you weak, I'd learned. I'd also learned that there may have been some truth to the old saying of everything came with a price. The prices had been hefty, but…had they really been worth it? Was I allowed to feel that way?

Well, I'd never much cared for following the rules.

I hated the things Hidan had done, I hated parts of Hidan. But I was in love with him, with who he was. Maybe I was just as sick and crazy as he was. He'd fucking poisoned me, and there was no cure anywhere in the world. I couldn't stop it from spreading, now it had consumed me. How could I ever save myself?

_You didn't want to._

Fuck. Fuck, that was true, wasn't it? A sob wrenched from deep within my chest, and I could no longer deny that I was breaking down. My entire body shook with the force of the sobs as I leaned forward and beat my fists against the damp earth, sending a shower of water up from the grass. It had done nothing to me, but it was the only thing I could take it out on. I had bottled it all up so long, the glass had finally begun to crack. Now, it was shattering, and I was about to get cut to hell and back.

It was coming, it was breaking, was I ready for what it would become after it was done, all healed up?

"I hate you so fucking much!" I screamed, a booming clap of thunder drowning out my voice, but the sky still heard, the trees still heard…as long as something heard me. "I hate you!" I wept, I lowered my head, clawing the grass between my fingers. "I…why do I love you?" I whispered, the grass swaying with my breath, with sympathy.

There was no time in that spot. I cried for ages, not caring how long. I was shivering with a fierce cold that seeped all the way down to my bones, my clothes and hair wet and clinging to me. I felt like a drowned rat, and probably looked quite similar, just in a strange shade of red. I had cried out every tear I had to shed, and now I felt drained and raw. Slowly, I uncurled myself, stiffly flexing numb muscles. Above me, the sky was still a brooding dark, but it had dried its tears as well. The rain had passed, and with it, my breakdown. Wash it away, wash it away.

I stood up, taking one heavy step at a time as I trudged home, pulling together the previously frayed edges of myself so that I was something halfway whole. As I walked, I felt lightheaded and distant, as if I were in a dream. I remembered the pathway home by heart; I'd carved it out myself, after all. Along the way, I paused every few minutes to listen to the distant rumble of thunder that grew softer every time, and the howling inside me grew softer, too. I wasn't completely ready to go home, but I had nowhere else to go, and I was sure I'd catch my death outside in the cold night, still sopping wet. Konan would kill me, I'd finished her round of antibiotics just a week or so ago.

Of course, I realized that I probably already looked like death. Walking into the base, I shivered so hard my teeth chattered. Hidan had warned me to be careful coming in and out, because it took practice to get the right amount of chakra for the locking mechanism to work. The first time I'd tried, I'd almost knocked myself clean out.

I retreated to the empty bedroom, eager to get into something warm. I toweled myself off and rubbed feeling back into my limbs, turning my skin a bit pink, before I shuffled into dry clothes. I huffed out a sigh of relief, making a few strands of my hair fly out of my eyes. Goosebumps still freckled my skin, and I cursed, fervently hoping that I hadn't just condemned myself to catching a cold or something else. I went to lean back on the bed, but the sudden movement made my stomach churn. I groaned at the bout of nausea and clutched my stomach, but it didn't relent. It took me all of three seconds to realize I was about to be sick.

I bolted from the bed and into the bathroom, making it in record time before I was ill. I gasped for air once I finished retching, my stomach still bubbling with faint irritation. For god's sake, certainly I wasn't sick that fast? It must have been from all the crying and carrying on, my body just felt left out on the dramatics. I rinsed my mouth and scowled at my reflection. "Enough of that," I told myself.

I couldn't change anything. I'm not sure I would even if I could. My heart had already chosen for me, and I was going to have to accept it, learn to live with it.

Even if it killed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New note: The first time I wrote this chapter, it was like, 500 words, so it was hard fleshing this chapter out. But it was quite fun, I got to add more depth to the character's process and feelings!
> 
> Old note: I was emotional during this chapter, I won't lie.


	27. Chapter 27

I took a deep breath and relished in the feeling of fire that engulfed my chest. The lung I had just pierced would heal soon, but until then I could enjoy the fucking moment. Beside me, the once screaming and pleading body had fallen silent, not even spitting out those annoying fucking ragged breaths. This one had been a good one; he'd been a loud sacrifice, and those were the fucking best. Sometimes, near the end, they even started begging Jashin themselves, as if they were even fucking worthy of saying that name.

This asshole was the third sacrifice today—I couldn't even fucking count the number I'd gone through for the week. Sooner or later, people were just going to fucking stop going through this forest altogether, except for the dumbasses who felt they had something to prove. I had enough dealing with that bullshit, already. She didn't need any fucking help.

With a groan, I dragged myself off the ground, where the dirt was dyed copper with blood. I glanced down at the pike I'd snapped in half and grimaced, tossing the useless fucking thing beside the broken body nearby. I'd have to try and mop up this fucking blood on me before I went back, or Amaya would have a Jashin-damn aneurism. If she even noticed it at all, she'd been locked up in the bathroom for about a solid two fucking weeks. She couldn't keep a damn thing down, the stupid bitch had gone and gotten herself sick again. She hadn't gone to Konan this time around, instead she'd just holed up in our fucking room. She swore it wasn't anything serious, just the nausea, but I was fucking familiar with her lying by now. She'd just better hope she doesn't throw up in the fucking bed or I'll fucking choke her.

I snorted at the thought, the amusement unbidden and really fucking unwelcome. The idea of killing her was a fucking riot though; if I tried, she'd probably take one of my limbs with her, at the very fucking least. She wasn't immortal, but she sure fucking acted like it, and it wouldn't surprise me if she escaped death by sheer spite. For someone so fucking little, she acted like she towered over the entire damn world, and she was one hell of a force to be reckoned with. I don't know where she hid all that fucking rage in such a tiny package.

It wasn't like I hadn't thought of killing her before. Of course I fucking have, in fact, I'd tried talking myself into it more times than I could count. It would've been a hell of a lot easier than everything that had happened, but I'd never been able to bring myself to do it. Something always fucking held me back. She'd look at me with those fucking green eyes, so full of fire, or she'd fucking smile or spit some sharp comeback to something I'd said. She always met me toe to toe, no matter what it fucking was. No one had ever kept up like she had, no one had ever held a fucking candle to her. She was something else. She was something different. Now I was fucking stuck with her.

Fuck, I really was, wasn't I?

I could no longer imagine killing her, I couldn't imagine her gone. It'd be so fucking quiet, so boring, it wouldn't be fucking worth it. I'd gotten so fucking used to her. Fuck, I wish that was it, I wish things were that fucking easy. Nothing had been easy since meeting her. I should've known she'd pull some fucking shit like this, poison my fucking head and get inside. It was just fucking like her to ruin me. I hadn't killed her when I had the chance, I'd turned my fucking back on her and she'd sneaked up on me.

Fuck, what the fuck was wrong with her? What was wrong with _me?_ The crazy and the fucked up really did belong together, didn't they? I reached up to rub at my forehead, but the headache was already throbbing. I'd never given a fuck about anyone like this. Every slut I'd brought home, they'd been fucking dead in a month. Every bitch I'd screwed around with had just been a one time thing. No one meant anything, no one except Jashin. Now that I had this fucking bitch, I didn't know what to do with her.

So, I'd let her go. In a way, at least, the only fucking way that I could. She'd fucking get herself killed otherwise, and I wasn't letting go of something that was fucking mine. She wasn't going to forget that. When I'd first laid eyes on her, she was a mess—a scowling, fierce mess. Then she'd gone and run her mouth, so I had to put her in her fucking place. That went and backfired on me like a son of a bitch. She was built of something different. She wasn't unbreakable, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that she got back up. I had broken her, she had broken, I didn't have a single fucking doubt. I'd watched something in her darken, flicker out.

Only then, something else had come roaring back to life, white-hot and fucking searing, and I'd burned myself. She fixed herself, dusted herself off, and somehow the fucking cracks in her had made her stronger than before. It was a fucking curse.

It was her own fucking fault. If she'd just given in instead of fighting. If she'd just fucking stayed broken. It was all her fucking fault. She was like a poison, a drug—I was addicted and I couldn't get the fuck off of it. I couldn't get her out.

I looked up when I realized things were getting dark. Fuck, when had the sun gone down? Fuck! I couldn't even get her out of my head when I was away from her! She was just a fucking shadow that followed me. When had it changed? When did she become different?

When did I become such a Jashin-damned fucking idiot?

I fucking hated that girl.

Yeah, fucking right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No old or new notes here!


	28. Chapter 28

You know, I was getting a little fed up with feeling like trash. I either had the world's worst immune system or the world's worst luck.

…Actually, they might go hand in hand.

The boulder that covered the base's entrance rumbled back into place behind me as I made my way down the murky corridor, a bag hanging off my shoulder. It was the first time in…oh, maybe two weeks, since I'd felt like venturing out of my room, much less the base. I'd gotten sick of staying holed up in the bed (and bathroom, mostly) though, and despite Hidan's warnings, I was going to claw a hole in the wall if I didn't get some fresh air. A far cry from someone who once spent the majority of her time in a prison cell, wouldn't you say?

But enough of that, I was busy appreciating the reprieve from the nausea that had been haunting me for almost a solid month. It had gotten worse for a short period, but now it was showing signs of abating, knock on wood. There was no telling what had caused it, but I was going to chalk it up to a simple bug, seeing as no other symptoms had shown. A bit of a headache, maybe, but I'd been throwing up everything I ate and drank, so that wasn't too weird, right? If I dropped dead because of a little stomach bug, I was going to eat the devil alive when I got to him. I hadn't wanted to bother Konan again, not so soon after the bout with the last sickness; she couldn't keep giving me antibiotics, after all.

No, I was fine, it would work itself out like always. For all I knew, it was stress induced. Granted, I'd never dealt with something like that before, but I was getting older. Seventeen was the new seventy, haven't you heard?

Oh, fuck, I'd spoken too soon. I felt my stomach swoop inside me, a threat that I took all too seriously. Instead of making my way all the way back to the bedroom, I made a turn into the kitchen to take a seat at the counter and wait for the nausea to pass. I didn't always throw up when an episode struck, but…it was often. I was exhausted from it, and Hidan was far from a medic. He'd gotten me some sort of tea, likely something he'd had to ask either Konan or his own partner for. Kakuzu travelled the most, something I suspected was tied to his bounty hunting; the tea was a brand and language I'd never seen before, likely from a village I'd never visited.

Other than that, Hidan would sit up with me if my vomiting woke him up. It was a comfort, just having someone awake with me, even if mostly he just laid there and grumbled about it. Once or twice, he'd picked up his bible, and he'd read aloud from it. It was…soothing, oddly. The scriptures were violent and frightening most of the time, but his voice was a comfort on its own, and he spoke with such reverence, something so seldom heard from him.

As I sat at the counter, leaning against the cool surface of it, I heard someone walking in. The footsteps were light, graceful—couldn't be anyone else. "Konan," I greeted wearily.

The footsteps paused, and I didn't have to look up to know Konan was eying me. "Amaya," she said, her voice soft as ever even when it filled up the entire room. "You look pale. Are you ill?" I started a bit when I felt Konan press the back of her hand to my forehead. With an incoherent grumble, I leaned away from her.

"It's nothing, just a bug, it's already going away," I reassured her, and gave her my best smile. If her pursed lips were anything to go by, it wasn't as convincing as I might've liked. "Really, I'm just tired from the bug, but it's getting better. Don't worry about it." I leaned back on the counter, forgetting the bag I'd set aside.

Still dubious, Konan nodded her head. She'd learned to pick her battles when it came to me, I supposed. I could be as stubborn as Deidara when it came down to it, and I'd watched him try to walk off a blown-off arm. Not to say that blood-loss and shock hadn't had a hand in that. "Fine," she said, "but get some rest, and inform me if it doesn't pass in a day or two."

I watched Konan take her leave, choosing not to share that it'd already been a month…maybe a little more, even, but it was hard to keep track of such trivial things when I was busy trying to keep down a simple bowl of soup. I spent a few more minutes slumped at the counter before considering I might be more comfortable elsewhere. When I stood, brief stars spotted my vision, and I stood still a moment to allow the episode to pass. Right, move slower, got it.

As I headed into the hall that led to the bedroom, I bounced off someone like a ball, and it absolutely didn't help my nausea. I winced, reaching to rub at my forehead where I'd hit it against said someone's chest.

"Damn it," Hidan's familiar voice grunted. "Is that shit causing you to go blind, too?" he asked, making me roll my very much seeing eyes. I looked up at Hidan, realizing he'd rested a hand on my hip to keep me from swaying too far. I hadn't noticed, but perhaps I'd have ended up on the floor had he not.

"You've got two eyes, too, don't you?" I muttered, hardly in the mood. Hidan's lopsided smirk still made a fond warmth swell in my chest, a pesky feeling. He reached out with his free hand and grasped my chin, leading me into a kiss as he roughly pressed his lips onto mine. I put a hand to his chest, allowing myself to fall into the kiss for just a second. It always seemed to erase the rest of the world, if only for a moment…it was a moment I'd come to long for.

I'd long since been too far gone. I was absolutely fucked.

Hidan broke the kiss, his lips still hovering above mine. "Fucking smart mouthed bitch," he muttered, before pulling away.

"Would you change me?" I smirked, and Hidan breathed out a faint laugh before sidling past me; a little victory, but a victory. I leaned against the wall for a moment as his steps faded, only then did I head towards our room. Without even changing clothes, I collapsed gracelessly onto the bed, yanking the covers over to cover me. It took just a minute before I realized that wasn't going to work; I was hot, out of nowhere it felt like the room was sweltering. I threw the covers off and rolled over, huffing out in frustration. Why was nothing right about me, anymore? It was little things, little inconspicuous things…but there was something niggling at me. I felt like I wasn't seeing something.

Hopefully that wasn't the body's way of warning one they really were about to die, huh?

I curled up, wrapping an arm around my churning belly, and wishing to do nothing except sleep for a while. Sadly, I tossed and turned for quite a while, slipping into a daze so foggy that I didn't even realize when I'd actually fallen into a fitful sleep. It was a sleep thick with delirium, and I was still in the bedroom, but there was a shimmer in the air, on my skin, bringing the distinct notion of unreality.

Suddenly, everything went dark; pitch black, not as if I'd shut my eyes, but as if all the light in the world had been doused. I blinked, trying to return to the light, but nothing came back to my field of vision. The world was a shadow. My heart jumped into my throat as I reached out, but I felt nothing in front of me, nothing around me; where the wall should be, there was an abyss. Just as I tried to stand, something heavy smacked me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me.

As I collapsed backwards, coughing, I felt a pressure on my chest. Soon, on my stomach. Something was dropping onto me? I clawed at the air above me, but it didn't halt the process. Something was spilling onto me, covering me, and when I next opened my mouth, I couldn't suck in any air. I screamed, but it was muffled, and I felt like I sucked something else into my lungs, something that definitely didn't belong. Choking, I scratched at my mouth and throat. The pressure was growing heavier, until I felt crushed, trapped…swallowed whole.

My lungs were on fire. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't move. Was I dying, was this what dying felt like? There was none of that peace, none of that light, no life flashing before my eyes…it was only darkness, darkness and heaviness.

Was it hell?

"Crash!"

The sound was loud, and I bolted straight upright with a scream launching from my mouth, hardly before I'd realized I was awake. When had I fallen asleep? Was that whole thing a dream? I reached and shoved my hair away from my damp forehead, panting, but there was no fire in my chest. My heart was racing, sure, but that was probably just because of the rude awakening.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Hidan snapped, halfway into the room and obviously as startled by me as I had been by him. I clutched at my chest, reassuring myself that there was nothing crushing it, but a glance around the room eased my frazzled nerves. I was at home, in bed, having no trouble breathing at all. It was a nightmare—one hell of a nightmare. Dusk had fallen, but I felt like I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep.

Lowering my hand to rest it across my belly, I remembered Hidan had spoken. "Sorry," I murmured absently, staring blankly ahead rather than at him. "I guess I'm a little jumpy, lately."

It wasn't a lie, it was simply…not the full truth. Neither here nor there. Hidan narrowed his eyes, and I waited, but he appeared to be weighing his options, deciding if it was worth it. After a tense moment, he relented, and with a scoff, turned to shove the door shut. He tossed his cloak onto his desk in a heap; along with it, I noticed, was a scroll. I scowled at it, curiosity welling inside me. Hidan hadn't been on a long-term mission in some time, and that usually was what the scrolls implied. The last Hidan had been gone for a significant amount of time had been a personal mission with Kakuzu. "Again?" I asked, making Hidan cock a brow.

"Best get over your bullshit, I'm leaving in a few days," he told me, making me fold my arms a bit petulantly. "It'll be a while, too, so try and fucking behave for a change." He aimed a warning glare my way, to which I made a mocking expression before flopping over onto my side. How long was a while? Even with the freedom of my chakra, I found myself anxious when Hidan was gone for a while. Deidara or perhaps Konan would come to my aide, only if they could, but no one bothered me much with Hidan within my reach. When he was gone, it felt like one less wall between me and…well, the world, maybe? Hidan was far from a savior, he was no knight; if he were, his armor was not silver, but red, rusted and bloody. Even so, he stepped between me and everything else that came towards me, even when I had my own teeth bared.

"Don't I always?" I grumbled, in reference to his command of good behavior. I heard him snort, and had I had the energy to feel offended, I just might've. I had rolled over to avoid listening to Hidan, but if he wanted you to hear him, nothing in the world was going to stop him.

He slammed a drawer on the dresser shut, prompting me to jump. "No," he said pointedly, "you always fucking break something, or yourself."

I threw a pillow at him, but it didn't have nearly the punch I'd have liked. I didn't even hear Hidan grunt, maybe I hadn't even hit him at all; I buried myself under the covers after launching my swift attack. I listened to the sound of the shower running, all the while I blinked ahead at the wall. The nagging feeling continued to gnaw at me. How long was Hidan going to be gone, what would he be doing? It was a stupid question, a stupid worry. Hidan was immortal, and he was far too spiteful to let anything put him on the ground for long. If he could, he'd kill someone twice for pissing him off.

I was half asleep when I felt the bed dip, and a warmth press against my back. Still faintly annoyed, I didn't roll over, but admittedly, I did sink backwards into the welcoming heat. Hidan's breath fanned over the back of my neck in a silent laugh.

Asshole.

* * *

The following morning, I awoke to the sound of Hidan rifling around the room. I blinked my eyes open, squinting against the rays of early sun, and glanced ahead. Hidan sat polishing an intimidating looking weapon, despite my familiarity with them by that point. Perhaps it was because I'd seen the gaping and gory wounds the pikes left in Hidan's own flesh. I sat up with a groan, my stomach coiling inside me, but it felt less like nausea that morning and more like…something colder, deeper. It brought the distinct sense of something being wrong.

I rested a hand over my belly as I stood, and Hidan paused to look up. "Not over that shit yet?" he asked, brows furrowing. I was starting to consider that it was all in my head by that point, so I simply shrugged.

"I've probably just become allergic to you," I sighed, smirking when Hidan tossed his rag at me. I batted it out of the air, but when he stood up, I doubted I'd have as easy a time batting him away. My hand still in the air, Hidan grasped my wrist and tugged me towards him.

"That's not a fucking answer," he muttered, eyes half-lidded as he stared down at me.

Grinning innocently, I leaned against his chest, inhaling the familiar scent of wood and iron. "It was an acknowledgment, it counts as an answer," I said, giggling when he nudged me off. I sobered when he turned back to his weapons, realizing that he was preparing for the mission he was to leave on soon. I folded my arms and leaned my hip against the desk, glancing between the array of sharp, pointy things that I'd likely never learn all the names for. I called most weapons knives; if it cut things, it was a knife.

"You've only got one more day before leaving, right?" I asked, surprised by my brooding tone. I'd been going for a bit more impartial. Hidan didn't face me, but he looked at me from the corners of his eyes, if only for a moment.

"Relax, you can keep yourself alive for that long," he said, diverting his attention from me again.

Privately (and perhaps quite stupidly) I thought that it wasn't myself I was worried about. A little bit, sure, but even that had waned, replaced by the nagging feeling of something impending. Try as I might to swallow those unfounded feelings down, it felt like they'd sooner choke me than disappear. Hidan couldn't die, I reminded myself. That wondrous, all powerful god of his kept him tethered to life, and I'd seen things that made me think Hidan sometimes tried his damndest to test that. I knew that wasn't the case, though, but simply his unshakable faith.

Frustrated with myself, I left the room, despite my earlier determination to spend the day in bed. Knowing damn well I couldn't expect my problems to stay behind in one room, I still hoped that I could find something else to turn my attention to. My vexing thoughts persisted most of the day however, try as I might to avert my focus to work, or reading, or tuning into a conversation with one of my few friends. I only tuned in and out of the tasks at hand, occasionally only interrupted by a twinge of nausea or dizziness.

There had once been a time I might've felt the same way, but for entirely different reasons; a time where I would've implored for Hidan to _not_ return home. I'd gone and stabbed myself in the foot on that one, though, hadn't I? I was never known for my brilliance, nor my affinity for following the rules. When there was a clear, safe path in front of me, I tended to turn on my heel and sprint the opposite way, right into a searing fire. I'd always preferred the heat.

I knew it couldn't last. It shouldn't. It wasn't really a matter of if, but when…and what. Would it be us, would it be Pein, deciding I had become a distraction for Hidan? Would it be someone else completely? A part of me wanted to know all those answers, but another was content with my ignorance. It made it much easier to pretend. I'd spent a long time pretending, always having a hard time accepting, but this was something I wanted to refuse to come to terms with…just a little longer. People like Hidan and I didn't deserve it, but I was willing to be selfish.

Maybe my willingness to fall for someone like Hidan warranted retribution in the first place. I'd tried to convince myself otherwise, but I wasn't even fooling myself anymore. Despite it all, despite the pain, the anger, the hatred that had once burned so brightly… Maybe it wasn't "despite" but because of it all. It wasn't the first time I'd wondered if it was the violence, the danger that had attracted me to Hidan. I was someone who sought to be broken.

But it was nice being put back together, too.

It wasn't a traditional relationship, nor was I too convinced to call it a relationship at all. It was something, that was for sure; something as wild, vitriolic, and boundless as us. At a point I'd thought we both burned so bright we'd either consume or extinguish each other, we'd instead combined into something nearly blinding. Sometimes, we still burned each other. We'd never be soft, we'd never settle, but I wasn't in search of that. I was okay where I was. For the first time in my life, I felt a sense of belonging.

A monster, but all mine.

When I got back to the bedroom, it was nearing night, and I was greeted by the sight of Hidan lounged on the bed, completely naked. As silent as I could manage, I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, exhaling the breath that had caught in my chest as my gaze traveled down Hidan's body. He wasn't scarred, perhaps due to the healing factor of his religion, but when wounded grievously, it left a mark that could last up to a week or two. I could remember where some of those scars should've been. I knew the planes of muscle, the dips and curves, the pale skin that turned pink beneath my nails or teeth.

Hidan glanced from the scroll he was studying, presumably with details of his mission, as if just noticing I was there. Even I didn't know how long I'd stood there, committing him to memory. He cocked a brow, lips tilting in a lopsided smirk. "Fuck are you staring at?" he asked, voice raspy with the tones of a late night.

I didn't answer, a smile of my own working its way onto my lips. Pushing away from the door, I sauntered towards the bed, slipping off my clothes and stepping out of them as I went. By the time I reached the bed, I was nude as well, and Hidan had stopped paying attention to that scroll. I climbed atop the bed and swung a leg over Hidan's hips, straddling his waist as his hands came up to grab my hips.

He started to open his mouth, most likely to tease, but I pressed my lips onto his hard and swallowed whatever words he'd had. Normally, Hidan and I didn't take things slow. We fucked; it was hard, messy, and fast. It left us aching, bruised, sometimes even bleeding, but every bit satisfied. Tonight, though, I took my time, my hips rocking down against Hidan's. I groaned into his mouth as I felt his cock hardening against my sex, his fingers squeezing against my waist and radiating possessiveness. Perhaps a touch of impatience as well, but this was my conquest, tonight.

I broke the kiss, putting my hands on Hidan's chest as I lifted myself up. He leaned back and watched me, visibly shivering as I reached to grasp his cock, giving it a few strokes to slick it up with the pre-cum beading on the tip. I licked my lips, huffing out a breathless laugh as he pushed on my hips, trying to lower me onto his cock. I refused, holding his cock and circling it against my entrance, both of us feeling how wet I was already. Hidan growled, the sound rumbling in his chest as he bucked his hips up, sinking the first inch or so inside of me.

I tilted my head back with a wanton moan, mouth hanging open as I let myself drop down slowly, taking him in inch by painstaking inch. Hidan's nails dug into my skin, and the need radiating off of him was palpable, but I was drunk on control. Once I'd taken him to the hilt, I sat still for several blissful moments, basking in the feeling I'd so come to love. Prompted by Hidan's throaty groan, I lifted my hips and started to bounce in his lap, the noise loud and filthy.

Hidan thrust his hips up when I dropped down, helping to fuck into me deeper, but I would slow down if he started to move too fast, forcing him to keep up with my leisurely rhythm. Leaning forward, I rested my forehead against Hidan's, our breath mingling together as his palms smoothed up my back. I couldn't focus on anything but Hidan; the way he felt inside me, against me, the way his voice sounded as he voiced his pleasure. He mouthed at my neck, teeth and lips grazing against my sensitive skin as I started to move faster, chasing that high.

We moved in tandem, and as I straightened a bit, I glanced down into Hidan's eyes. It was like I was drowning, lost in a violet haze as ecstasy rolled down my back in waves. My mouth fell open as I arched, and I hardly noticed Hidan slamming me down onto his cock. I shuddered above him as I came, muscles quivering around him as he reached his own peak, filling me to the brim. I felt it drop down my inner thighs as I held still, panting, still trembling. I was dazed and satisfied as I felt Hidan's lips grazing against my own.

The entire world seemed to shift, and I was collapsing sideways, Hidan's cock slipping free as I dropped onto the bed beside him. We were both too warm, sheening with sweat, but that didn't stop me from staying right where I was at Hidan's side. He sighed through his nose and reached up to push loose strands of hair out of his eyes, all while I rested my chin against his shoulder, blinking sluggishly.

At some point, I didn't reopen them. I listened as Hidan's breathing started to slow, listening to the sound. It lulled me into sleep at some point, reluctant as I was. Going to sleep meant I was going to wake up the next day, the day Hidan had to leave. I knew it made no sense to think that avoiding sleep meant that the morning would never come, but sometimes childish comforts like that were all we had to cling to.

* * *

If I was hesitant to fall asleep last night, it was nothing compared to my reluctance to wake up. The sun wasn't even up yet, and I could hear Hidan grumbling his ire at that, telling me it was Kakuzu's idea and not Hidan's. Of course, I could've guessed. I sat up, scrubbing sleep and anxiety from my eyes. Hidan had only lit a lamp on the desk rather than turn on the light, and in the dim lighting, I watched him slipping his cloak on. He turned and paused, surprised to see me awake. "Of all the times you sleep like the fucking dead?" he smirked, and I huffed out a breathless laugh of my own.

"I had to send you off with one final fuck you, right?" I wrapped my arms around my knees, wilting a bit. "Try not to fuck up out there, huh?" I said, gaze flickering towards him before returning to the sheets.

Hidan was silent. I felt the bed dip and started a little, looking up just in time for Hidan to grab my jaw. He stared down at me, studying me, while my eyes darted across his face, mapping out every feature that I already knew by heart. I knew no words of comfort would come, no promises. I didn't expect them. That wasn't who Hidan was, and I couldn't ask him to change…not any more than he had, at least.

"Just stay out of fucking trouble, got it? I come back and hear you've been starting shit, there's gonna be hell to pay," he murmured, and he did surprise me by leaning down, pressing a kiss to my mouth. It lingered, but it still didn't last long enough before Hidan straightened, his weight disappearing from the bed. He picked up his scroll and walked to the door, reaching for his scythe; before he left, he cast me one final look over his shoulder, a smirk on his lips. "Don't get yourself killed, _little red_ ," he told me, tacking on a nickname in his native language that I'd come to hear quite a bit the past few months.

I returned his look, my lips quirking. _"Take your own advice,"_ I replied, my Yuga a bit accented, but coherent enough. Hidan cocked a brow, and he shook his head with a quiet laugh before he slipped out the door and shut it behind him. I listened to his fading footsteps, and only when all was silent did I shut my eyes.

There was nothing I could do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new or old notes here!


	29. Chapter 29

They called me wild, said I was more the wolf in me than the human. Called me savage, called me a mutt. Nothing I'd deny, but something I'd come to find pride in. Perhaps that was what roused the bottomless restlessness that had taken refuge in me. Day in and day out, filled with endless adrenaline, I paced, I overthought, I would run for as long as I could stand through the forest with leaves that whispered and branches that clawed. Come nighttime, I would lie awake until I couldn't stand it anymore. That was when I found the moon to be as lonely as I was. She couldn't talk back, but oh, she listened.

I couldn't risk spilling everything aching inside me to anyone else, so I spilled it all to the sky, when everything was dark, silent, private. Deidara knew, in the same way I knew about Sasori; it wasn't something we spoke about, something that we acknowledged, not with anything more than a knowing glance or a sidelong smile. Now, Deidara's sidelong glances were somber. Hidan had been gone longer than this before; thus far, two weeks had passed, but the days were crawling by. I couldn't quell my prickling distress. Something wasn't right, but I had no way of placing what it might be. Hidan's loyalty to the Akatsuki had to come before anything else (aside from Jashin, a given) or there would be consequences. Everyone here had their own reasons for signing themselves away. In an organization like this, there was no getting out, there was no getting free, there was no retirement. You joined and you died.

Or, technically, for those who weren't mortal in quite the same ways, perhaps they would outlive the Akatsuki. Hidan probably hadn't thought that far ahead, and Kakuzu and Sasori didn't seem the types to worry about the future, not the way I did, at any rate. The point I was trying to make was that I understood Hidan had to leave, sometimes that he would spend more time away than here. He had missions and goals, and Pein took nothing into consideration but his own grand plans. Of which I, truthfully, knew little about. I had never asked. Why would I have? I was always an extension of Hidan, never pledged to the Akatsuki, never privy to the secrets, the missions, the gatherings. When it came down to it, I figured it best to stay in ignorance.

A bleeding heart had no business with any of that.

I stared listlessly at the ceiling, listening to the faint sound of a drizzle outside as it pattered against stone. I kept a hand rested across my belly, where it had gotten a bit softer the past few weeks. I'd put on a little weight, something I attributed to stress, and the fact that I'd recently stopped vomiting every few hours. While the sickness had ceased, the stress had come with other prices. I didn't sleep, as I'd mentioned, but if I did doze off, I always awoke in a cold sweat, the chase of a nightmare hot on my heels. My chest would ache, as if I'd been struggling to breathe, but other than that, I had no memory of what those nightmares were.

My mind was so abuzz with thoughts, nothing linear or coherent and all drenched in dread. It wasn't all my fault. What else could I do, faced with being alone? I knew Hidan would come back, even if grievously hurt, it might take him time to heal enough to return, but Kakuzu was far more capable. He was always there to patch Hidan up if he lost a limb or three in his reckless brashness. Alone, they were deadly, but together they were unstoppable. I had no reason to worry the way I was, but that didn't mollify me. Without Hidan, the Akatsuki would probably choose to kill me, avoiding any possible risks. Even if Deidara, or even Konan, were to request mercy on my behalf…I wouldn't last on my own. Would I? I'd been a captive for nearly all my life, I wasn't sure I knew anything else.

I'd been hearing a weird sound for a second, and it took me another to realize that it was a voice. Starting, I sat up and snapped my head towards the kitchen, where I met the frowning source of the sound. Deidara folded his arms, lips pursing as he waited, but I didn't know what he was waiting on. "Huh?" I asked intelligently, making him shut his eye and search for the patience needed for me.

"I guess that answers my question, yeah," he muttered, before speaking more clearly. "I asked if you were okay. You've been…very off," he said, and I got the feeling that wasn't what he originally wanted to say, but maybe it was the more delicate way to phrase it. I swung my legs off the couch and folded my hands in my lap, studying them like I would find an answer in the lines on my palms. I had no idea how to explain myself. Too bad Deidara was the one who couldn't be bought off by me waving a hand and cracking a sarcastic comment.

Shoulders sagging, I attempted an anemic explanation. "I haven't been feeling very well for a little while. I feel like something's wrong, but I don't know what, and no matter if I did, I feel like there's nothing I could do?" My voice pitched up as if I were asking a question, and in a way, I suppose I was. I didn't understand my feelings either, and I knew Deidara wasn't going to, but it did feel a little relieving to finally voice them. Er, voice it to someone who could actually hear it.

Deidara didn't say anything for a few moments, and I hadn't looked up at him. When he did speak, his voice sounded weary. Not towards me, I suspected, but towards the situation itself, something Deidara had gone through the song and dance of before, himself. It was hard, and it was dangerous, and we both knew that. Neither of us cared, now did we?

"You're overworking yourself, un," he said, and I withheld a scoff. "You're just making yourself sick. It's hard to hurt an immortal, yeah, Hidan will come back." I shot a look at Deidara, who offered me a shadow of a smile. I was startled by the reassurance, but I mustered up a smile in return, hoping to convince him I believed what he'd said.

I didn't, but that wasn't Deidara's problem. So instead of burdening him yet again, I nodded in thanks and stood, brushing past him to return to my room. I'd been spending a lot of time there, now, when I wasn't trying to purge the paranoia from my body. When I got there, I paused in front of the bed, before crawling in on Hidan's side. His pillow still smelled faintly of him, enough to allow me that brief moment of respite. Had he seen me, he'd probably push me over to my side, or maybe off the bed entirely. The thought made me scoff a short laugh. Soon, though, it was tainted by foreboding.

Outside, thunder crashed, as if to reaffirm my doubts.

Something was wrong.

* * *

It had been too long.

Three months. Three long months, that stretched on and on, each day longer than the last. The first month had passed, and I'd been restless, frustrated. Then the second passed, and I was filled with dread; drop, drop, drop, ice cold as it filled me. Then the third month reached, and I knew. It was too long without contact, something had happened, I didn't need anyone to tell me that. Deidara's furtive glances grew longer, heavier. We both knew I was headed for disaster, it was impending. Without Hidan, nothing stood between me and a fate that bared its fangs like a famished beast.

I wasn't the only one reaching the realization. Kakuzu and Hidan were overdue, but unlike me, no one had a reason to feel anything other than ire or curiosity. The pair usually finished efficiently; occasionally sidetracked by Hidan's rituals, or Kakuzu's habit of finding stray missions for extra cash. It had never delayed them this long. I never did find out what that mission had entailed, but if the tensions around the base as the wait lengthened day by day were any indication, it was something vital. I hadn't known that. Had I, maybe I'd have…have what? Demanded to go with him? What could I have done, other than make everything even more burdensome?

My eyes slipped closed as I leaned my head against the wall, long since having given up trying to sleep. It was late, but insomnia had claimed me long ago. What little energy I possessed to fight it was withered by my reluctance to have another of those gut-wrenching nightmares. Konan had mentioned again my looking ill; even I had to admit, I didn't look very…alive. I was pale every time I looked in the mirror, my eyes listless. I didn't fit the criteria for a corpse yet though, far from gaunt. If anything, I'd gained weight, most of it around my midsection. Already soft to begin with, the extra cushion annoyed me a bit. It was getting noticeable, and I'd taken to wearing looser clothing to avoid anyone commenting on it. I couldn't stomach any poking and prodding, nor any pity.

No, I was sick of that, and I was going to give Hidan a piece of my mind when he finally traipsed through the door, for making such a scene. Something had kept them, it could've been any number of things. Hidan and Kakuzu both often strayed once the mission was completed (Hidan probably during the mission, actually) and even if they hadn't, sometimes things simply went awry. This wasn't a standard job, there were no rules or regulations; there were real hazards, real risks. They couldn't come back empty handed, no matter how long it took. Nothing could befall two immortal men. Or, technically, one was only almost immortal. The zombie duo, people called them. By the time you realized you couldn't kill them, it was far too late.

But what if?

What if they'd gotten grievously injured? Who would they send to search for them, would they send anyone at all? Even in an organization like this, where life was flagrantly disregarded, Pein had chosen each member for a reason. They were all invaluable, and those like Hidan and Kakuzu? They were irreplaceable. Surely if anything had happened where they needed aid, Pein would send someone. Zetsu was often the one to relay information to Pein, he seemed to have eyes and ears everywhere, as if part of the earth itself. He'd know, wouldn't he? He'd find out?

I was driving myself insane, wasn't I? It was a miracle I hadn't started clawing myself up the walls. I'd wanted to go out myself, I'd wanted that weeks ago! But I reminded myself over and over, it would only attract more attention. I'd only be endangering him even more. Besides, how would I ever find him? Just listen for the distant sound of swearing? I snorted to myself at the thought. It was the closest I'd come to a laugh in months.

Intermingled with my heavy heart, there were traces of selfishness, too. I couldn't deny that. Because if Hidan did suffer some terrible happenstance, what was going to happen to me? It was a question I'd asked countless times, so much that I was sick of repeating it, it was like a broken record. But it was true, and it was real, and it was fast approaching. Hidan had never told me what should happen to me if something happened to him.

Nothing was supposed to ever happen to him. He was supposed to be above that.

A knock sounded at the door, and I snapped my head up at the interruption. Deidara stood, expression tight. Suddenly, I found it hard to swallow. "There's been a gathering called. Everyone's presence is required," he told me, no further clarification, no explanation. I had never, ever witnessed a meeting, I'd only ever seen Pein that one time, the day he had to see me for himself. See the little slave girl that Hidan just couldn't kill.

I stood on numb legs, pulling my jacket tighter around my shoulders as I followed Deidara. He said nothing to me, and that did nothing to ease my swelling dread. Had they been gone too long, was Pein casting me out now that Hidan wasn't there to watch me? Was he going to order them to execute me? Would he simply do it himself?

I felt like I was walking myself right into my own doom, but I had no other way to go. So I followed, jaw clenched. I didn't recognize the corridors Deidara led me through, none of it was familiar, and by the time Deidara came to a stop, I felt like we were in the heart of the underground. I could feel my chest tightening, it was getting hard to breathe; every beat of my heart thundered in my ears. I could all but taste my adrenaline, I felt the urge to run, the urge to scream, the urge to do anything other than walk into the shadows, where something awful loomed.

Deidara held his arm out for me, guiding me past the entrance that opened into a cavernous room. Ice began to creep through my veins, a vengeful winter coming to freeze everything it touched. Deidara stood beside me, and Sasori was across the room from us, alongside Konan, who was standing above us. I slowly raised my head to face the shimmering figure that stood atop a towering stone pillar. Surrounding us were several other figures, all of opalescent rainbow, but I noticed two distinct faces missing. The ice was moving, fast, angry, it was reaching for my heart. I reached to rest my palm over my chest, where I felt the erratic beating. It was so loud, I didn't doubt Deidara might hear it.

_Ba-dump. Ba-dump._

Pein's face, normally stoic and cold as stone, was solemn from where he looked down at us. I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth, the words spoke themselves into my mind before I needed to hear them. I'd known it for ages, now, a withering feeling that had sunk into my bones. I shut my eyes. Beneath my hand, I swore my heart stopped.

"We have suffered a severe loss to our cause. Hidan and Kakuzu have been killed by ninja of Konohagakure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Fuck ninja from Konoha, all my homies hate Konoha ninja.
> 
> Old Note: N/A


	30. Chapter 30

"That's impossible," I heard Deidara say beside me, his voice tight. "How could they manage to kill two people who are all but immortal, yeah?"

My stomach was churning inside me, and I was afraid if I opened my mouth, my insides would come spilling out of me. Everything sounded distant, distorted, as if I were underwater. I barely heard Pein's reply, as if he were standing miles away.

"I don't have the answers to that, yet. Only the compromising evidence that both suffered the same fate." I squeezed my eyes shut, but that didn't stop Pein from talking, it didn't stop me from listening. "It is now believed to be a set-up, an act of vengeance, as several ninja from Konoha ambushed them. From what I understand, they caught Hidan in an explosive trap, his body was unrecoverable."

I couldn't hear any more. I couldn't fathom Hidan leaving that way. It couldn't be true, that wasn't a death meant for him. I had to get out, and I didn't care who chased me, I didn't care if Pein took it as disrespect. I cared about nothing.

It had happened so fast. It was so easy. In the blink of an eye, my entire world had gone up in flames, and I was left choking on the smoke. I couldn't even see through it; there was nothing left ahead of me. I could hear each second ticking past me, thundering in my ears as I tried to guess which one might be my last. The corridors blurred past me as I ran from the room after Pein's delivery of the tragedy, unable to stand any further details, and too afraid of when his gaze might land on me. There would be nothing in his eyes, no mercy, no consideration. I was less than valuable; I was a burden, and I didn't want to see how he dealt with burdens. Even Konan, if she wanted to at all (and I did try to convince myself she did) would probably be unable to convince him to spare me. At best, he would cast me back to the slave compound, back to a life behind bars where a glimpse of sunlight only came every few months.

I doubted that, though. He would believe that I knew too much, despite my protests otherwise. He couldn't trust me. I was a risk, now, having lived there for so long, having grown so close to one of his subordinates. Pein had no way of knowing what secrets I knew, and I had no way to prove my innocence, nor my loyalty. Or, rather, my indifference. I wasn't loyal to the Akatsuki, but I was loyal to Hidan, to Deidara, I wouldn't betray them nor the organization they had (willingly or not) put so much of their lives into. But that only mattered to me, not to Pein. To Pein, I didn't matter at all. Hidan hadn't mattered at all. Nothing but a brief speech, they hadn't even sent anyone to try finding their remains? To try to offer help? I didn't care that it wasn't how things worked, not in this place and not in the shinobi world. The only thing I cared about was the godawful bleeding in my heart.

Never get attached, never love, never give anyone that power; I'd grown up with those lessons etched into me like stone. I'd broken my own rules, look where it had gotten me. I could have never known it would happen. I never saw it coming, by the time I'd noticed, by the time I realized the way I looked at Hidan, it was too late. I don't even think I knew how truly in love I was, not until he was gone, and I couldn't tell him. I doubted he'd ever say it back, or that he would ever even be able to feel the same, but that wouldn't have mattered. I only wanted him. I only wanted what he could give. He had given me so much, and I could never go back to a life before that.

I crashed into the bedroom, gracelessly knocking into the wall as I stumbled inside, only to drop to my knees, too heavy to hold myself up any longer. I had been foolish to believe Hidan couldn't be taken from me, I'd been foolish to believe he was mine in the first place. People couldn't be yours, their lives weren't in your hands, as much as you wanted to protect them. I stared up at the ceiling until it blurred, a silvery mass of static as warmth stung my eyes. I squeezed them shut and tears spilled down my cheeks; not long after, a sob wrenched from my chest, so violently it rattled my lungs. There was so much more I wanted to do. I wanted to scream, I wanted to break everything around me, I wanted to find a way to avenge Hidan's death and make certain it wasn't in vain. I wanted to find a way to plead for my life. It wouldn't be long, now. Instead, all I could do was cry, and cry I did. Hidan would have mocked me endlessly for crying over him. He had mocked me for worrying about him, too.

I curled in on myself, and I wept.

* * *

" _Amaya…"_

That was my name. I could hear my name, coming from somewhere beyond the darkness. Where the vast shadows of nothingness frightened most people (and, usually, me) I felt comfort, and I wasn't ready to leave yet. Something wicked waited for me just beyond, and I didn't want to face that yet. When had I fallen asleep? Was this sleep at all? How long had I been out?

"Amaya!"

Oh, they weren't going to wait, the voice was impatient now. I started awake, a gasp tumbling from my lips as consciousness jolted into my body. As reluctant as I'd been, I hadn't slammed awake so hard in ages. My tongue felt like cotton in my mouth though, and my body about as heavy as lead. From the corner of my eye, I saw someone leaning away from me, their hand poised to reach for me. I bolted upright, having just opened my mouth, though to say what, I hadn't the faintest. Before I could, something fell into my lap, a slight weight that was cold and hard and enough to shut me up. My breath caught in my chest as I looked down, brows furrowed in confusion. There, on top of my legs, sat the collar, the very collar I had worn since the beginning. The collar that had kept me bound to Hidan, the collar that, in a sharp twist of fate, had come to represent freedom rather than imprisonment.

The back of the collar had broken, and as I reached up and skimmed my fingers over the flesh of my throat, I felt chakra sizzling beneath my skin. Nothing held it back, now, nothing to prevent me from lashing out with everything I had, to die fighting as I was sure Hidan had. Yet, I felt…exhausted. My urge to fight was only a flicker, an ember that was barely warm. What would I be fighting for? I could have a life of servitude, a life behind bars…or a life forever on the run with nothing and no one to turn to. Freedom had fallen into my open palm, but the weight only crushed my hand.

Beside me, I remembered the person who had woken me up, and I turned to face a familiar blue gaze. Of course, it was him. I should have known they'd send him.

Deidara's eyes had fallen towards the collar as well, processing the event. "It must be because of Hidan," he said, his voice thin. "Without his chakra connected to it, it must have deactivated, un."

I didn't answer, but I brushed the collar off me, where it clattered across the room. "They're making you do it, then?" I asked, bluntly and without accusation. It wasn't his fault. I could never blame him, and if anything, I knew Deidara would at least make it fast.

I watched Deidara's jaw tighten, and it told me everything I needed to know. I stood, resting a hand over my belly as I faced the door. "It doesn't matter, Deidara. I knew already," I told him, finding courage hidden in some deep well in my chest, where instead I wanted to curl up and scream. "I knew that this wasn't going to last. I never wanted to be sent back to that fucking compound, back to the life I had before him. I…" I trailed off. At first, I'd wanted to say that I just wanted to get this over with, but did I? Did I really want to die? I had spent so long—my entire life, it felt like, doing everything someone else wanted. I did what I was told, I believed what I had to.

I hadn't had a choice, but was it what I _wanted?_

Darkness ate at the corners of my vision as I stared straight ahead, not daring to look beside me nor behind me. The smoke and ash of everything that had fallen was too thick, the only way to look was forwards, if only I could see anything again, if I only I could...

I could hear Deidara following me, a cloud of silence having fallen over us, and neither of us could stand to break it. I kept my arms straight by my sides, clenched into fists. I'd come too far, I'd done too much. It couldn't end like this. Hidan's story had come to an abrupt and terrible close.

It had only been a chapter of mine.

Outside, the wind whipped at my face, carrying the faint but fast encroaching scent of rain. I walked, and I walked, miles into the forest until we came out on the other side where the trees came to a sudden halt, as if a decades long treaty stood between them and the open field that blossomed out before me. It was a small, secluded patch of emerald, where the air seemed to taste crisp and liberated. I inhaled and savored it. Ahead of me, where the trees began anew, they looked darker than ever, darker than what lay behind me, and yet, I yearned for them.

Deidara had never once spoken, never stopped me or protested my hours of trekking. Even if he had, I doubted I'd have listened. Now that I'd come to a stop, staring into the waving green grass ahead of me and all the way up to the beckoning tree-line on the opposite side, I heard Deidara heave a weary breath behind me, perhaps dreading the task ahead of him. A part of me wanted to turn around and reassure him, but I knew that I couldn't. Neither of us could do what we needed to.

I swallowed, but it felt like a lump had taken up all the space in my throat. I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready—Hidan had given me a chance and I couldn't just throw it away. If he ever could've known I had given up, that I'd never fought, he'd bring me back to life and kill me again himself.

I heard a zipper unzip behind me, and my ears swiveled, my muscles stiffening. It all happened so fast, with a speed I don't think I'd ever possessed. Electricity crackled at my fingertips, bouncing between them as I swung my open palm towards Deidara, fingers pointed towards him as if to shoot a bolt directly for his chest. We both were frozen, my arm outstretched while Deidara had a hand in his clay pouch, holding my gaze. I grit my teeth, willing myself not to shake. I think I was failing.

Deidara raised his hand from his pouch, and I could see the mouth on his palm working the clay into a mold. I blinked away something out of my eyes, shaking my head just a fraction. I didn't want to, I couldn't stand the thought, Deidara had been there for me before anyone. Even when we both belonged to a world that had no room for friends, no space for anything other than yourself, he'd never turned his back on me. If I didn't, though, Deidara would finish that bomb, he…he would…

I cut my eyes down as Deidara moved his other hand, slowly bringing it up, his palm held outward as if I were a distressed animal he was trying to put at ease. Confusion furrowed my brows, making me squint at the tiny clay sculpture he'd procured, sitting patiently in his palm. He didn't throw it.

"I'm not going to," he said, his voice raw. He shook his head minutely and closed his eye, while I felt my arm dropping back to my side, weightless, boneless. "I won't. But I have to make it seem like I did, yeah. They can never see you, they can never find you—" he opened his eye to look at me, "—you understand?"

I pursed my lips and nodded, but the pain in my chest hadn't lessened, it had only shifted direction. Deidara was risking everything, all for a stupid little girl he'd known but a year. His lips quirked up into a half smirk, and he lifted his head, nodding towards the forest. "Go. Somewhere far, somewhere hidden, yeah. You belong to no one but yourself, now."

I stared at him a moment longer, before I lunged forward and threw my arms around him. The hug didn't even last a second, but as I squeezed him tight, I felt him drop a kiss to my temple. I had never had a best friend, I seldom had anyone to call a friend at all. I was never going to forget Deidara, and I'd spend every day hoping he found his own way out. Perhaps it was best I was leaving, and I wouldn't have to see the same fate in a different color.

I turned, and I hit the ground running. Even if I wasted all my chakra, I had to get away as fast as I could. I could hardly remind myself to blink or to breathe, but it felt like one moment I was underneath an open sky; the next, shadows wrapped around me, the familiar cover of a forest ushering me back inside. Hurry, the wind whispered, quickly. Branches whipped out at me, thorns pulled at my clothes and flesh, but I never slowed.

A deafening explosion rang out through the forest, and I stumbled as the ground beneath me shook with the force. My palms scraped the earth as I pushed myself back up, pushed myself forward. It was enough to kill a person, that explosion, enough that there would be no remains. My heart thundered in my ears, each footstep a heartbeat as my feet pounded against the earth. I could only run and breathe, I didn't have room for much else. Time lapsed by me so fast, I didn't even notice it. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. My legs ached, now each time my feet hit the ground, fire shot all the way up through my back. My chest burned, my head throbbed, but I didn't dare stop.

Overhead, through the cracked foliage, thunder cracked. The scent of rain was much closer, now; I was running into a storm. It was like the storm was calling me, leading me. I had been running, trying to get as much distance as I could, but where I thought it had been aimless and desperate, I…was starting to feel like I was running towards something. It was a subtle but inexorable pull, and I hadn't strayed from it once. The forest was growing darker, colder, night was falling upon me. I almost feared that if I stopped running, I might just drop dead. It was all I knew how to do right then.

Rain began to patter against the leaves, taking a few moments to break through the curtain of green. It was cool and soothing, and soon, I was drenched. I shook my hair from my face, and though the water stung my eyes, I only blinked it away. Pain was good, pain meant I was alive, and I planned to stay that way, whether I had to run or fight. Staying alive was my only goal.

Suddenly, a weak, faded scent reached me, mingling with the fresh scent of rain; the new scent was far from fresh, it…it reminded me of decay. It was a scent of iron and rust.

I broke out of the trees, bursting from the forest like a wolf outrunning a forest fire. Gracelessly, I fell, and I didn't bother to catch myself. The earth was moist and soft beneath me as I gripped a handful of grass, slowly rolling onto my back. Rain dripped down my face, against my closed eyelids. I breathed it in as I fought to catch my breath, but I was so far ahead of it, it felt like I might never. I had to keep going, I had to find somewhere, anywhere, even if it was only for a little while. Maybe nowhere would ever be home, or maybe the home was inside me all along.

Maybe I'd lost my home.

But I could rebuild, just with something different.

That smell was fucking awful, and it was growing stronger the longer I stayed there. Finally, I dragged myself upright and turned to look over my shoulder. I froze, on my knees and with the mud sinking into my skin, beneath my nails as I clawed them into the ground. Before me, a terrible scene was played out. A part of the forest that was destroyed, injured—a part that told a story I hadn't come to hear. A battle had unfolded here. Someone had lost.

Someone had died.

I stood, my legs shaking so hard it was a wonder they held me at all, trembling as precariously as they were with every reluctant step. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. All around me, the forest had gone silent, the eerie solitude felt like a predator lying in wait. The scent of rust got more powerful, now injected with the smell of smoke, of scorch.

From the corner of my eye, I saw something gleam, and I sucked in a breath (sucked in that godawful scent) and turned. Down, nearly hidden, was a silver pendant, a very familiar silver pendant. I knelt and reached with reverent fingers, smoothing them against the chain as I picked up the pendant and stared at the symbol, just like I stared every night at my wrist.

I looked out into the forest, reeking of death and of regret. I sank fully to my knees again, and clutched the pendant close, where it could feel my heartbeat.

Hidan had promised me he would come back, he'd promised me he'd never die. He had been such a liar. Birds of a feather, huh? I had promised I would kill him myself. I had sworn I hadn't loved him.

I could just picture him in the trees, storming towards me, shouting to high hell about me running away, running all the way out there in a storm, looking like a drowned puppy. If I focused, I could almost hear his voice, I could almost see those eyes; those fuchsia eyes and the way he looked at me. The way it had changed.

But he wasn't there. I was more alone than I had ever been.

I squeezed the pendant, the edges biting into my palm, and I shut my eyes tight. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. They'd had no fucking right. I had to leave, I had to go, but just another moment, just another minute. No one ever knew me, they never knew I was with the Akatsuki, and I bore no symbol of them. No one could take this away from me. In a selfish, cruel world that allowed no grieving, I was digging my heels in. You already took him, now you'll listen to me.

Pain lurched in my chest, fierce and furious, and thunder boomed above me.

A scream was hidden in the thunder.

* * *

I spent ages there, screaming for so long my throat gave out, and even then, that was the only thing that ended my despair. The rain had a salty tinge now as it dripped down my lips, where I sat collapsed on the soft earth, empty of all but the rain. My lungs were empty, and my heart felt so, too. I raised my head from where I had bowed over, and looked out into the forest. Some feet from me, scorch marks darkened the bark on the trees; if I went any farther, I was afraid of what I would find. I could smell the answer, the disrupted earth, the nauseating iron and decay. I would go no farther, I couldn't bring myself too. I knew all I needed, I'd said all I'd needed to say. The only thing left was goodbye.

I rose from the ground, stiff and awkward, like a doll learning how to work its new joints. Glancing down at the pendant in my hand, I noticed the rain had washed away the faint traces of blood and dirt, leaving it pristine. I stared for a moment before I lifted it and put it around my own neck. The pendant hung over my chest, near my heart, and it felt like it belonged. The weight of the symbol, once so suffocating, now felt like an anchor that kept me from drifting away in a furious ocean.

I needed that anchor. For how long, I didn't know—perhaps forever, and who would care? It was mine, and my way. I turned away from the forest and began to trek again, away from where I was running from and where I'd been headed. I needed somewhere new. Somewhere far, quiet, and secretive. I might someday attempt a life similar to the one Hidan had led, fighting for something to believe in, but even so…that day was a long ways off. I was tired.

I rested a hand over my belly as I walked, ignoring the way it felt like each step made my body heavier. I would rest, eventually; but for now, I still had to fight, I still had to protect my future. Hidan had taken from me, he had almost broken me.

Then he rebuilt me, instilling in me a strength, spite, and courage I never knew I needed. Hidan had given me the world. Hidan had given me a life.

Before Hidan, I had only been surviving.

Now, I was determined to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: The part with Deidara wasn't in the former version of this chapter, in fact he didn't have as prominent a part, and I'm glad I changed that. I was able to flesh out everyone, not just my OC!
> 
> Old Note: I loved the reviews for last chapter, I'm glad I managed to catch a few of you off guard. I've wanted to work with angst a little bit. Some of you have given me alternate ideas for endings, I'm not saying I'll do them but if I do...they'll be posted here.
> 
> Also I got a helix person and this shit hurts, especially wearing glasses.


	31. Chapter 31

In the first moments of the morning, when the world was hushed and bathed in shadows, you felt as if you were the only person in the world. The sky began to bloom, coming to life with pinks and oranges as if someone were splattering a paintbrush all across the earth. Stars blinked away, settling down for the day, and the sun began to come up in the distance, a whole lifetime away from you, but rising quickly. In a world like that, even feeling so alone, it didn't feel wrong. It was tranquil, soothing, and I'd come to relish in the early mornings. Granted, it hadn't been my choice to start waking up so early…perhaps that was why I didn't actually feel that alone.

I winced as I felt a sharp kick, and glanced down at my swollen belly. "Take it easy," I murmured, resting a hand over my heavy bump. The baby was as restless as me, but they couldn't be readier than I was for them to come out. I was exhausted and sore, and I knew I had to be nearing the due date. I couldn't be certain when I'd conceived, but I had a couple of dates suspected, and it'd been about nine, maybe a little less, months. How I'd conceived at all was still a mystery to me, as I'd been taking birth control the entire time, but I had my suspicions. Perhaps I'd gotten careless, missed a day—or maybe it'd been the antibiotics I'd taken for so long, counteracting the contraceptives?

It didn't much matter, the baby was here.

I had felt… Well, I'd felt a lot, certainly; a mix of horror, anger, fear, all another crack in an already very unstable foundation. I should have known, it felt like, like I should have guessed what was wrong. The nausea, the weight gain, that inkling inside my chest every time I looked at myself in the mirror, they were all signs that I'd just been too stubborn to acknowledge. I'd known I wasn't alone, I'd known someone else was with me, but at the time, I was too afraid to see that. There had been so much at stake; I would have been forced to terminate the pregnancy, I didn't doubt that.

The Akatsuki was no place for a baby, and Pein would never have allowed it. He only tolerated me because I had provided some use to his subordinates, and because I didn't interfere with Hidan's loyalty to the organization. A child, though? A child would surely have been a distraction…if Hidan had even wanted it at all. I would never know, but I would raise it pretending he would have. Someone had to tell the baby, after all… I was hoping they'd have at least a little of him in them.

Not a lot, that would be a little too much to handle, but… I was grateful, now. After the initial breakdown (that lasted longer than I'd like to admit), I had grown attached to my little bump. It hadn't taken me much longer after I'd made my escape to discover, or rather acknowledge, my pregnancy. I was still traveling, hardly in a position to care for myself, much less an infant, when it struck me, and I knew there was no denying it. I had stared into my reflection in the river, the water still enough to watch my shimmering form, as if it wanted me to see. My belly, always soft, but now protruding a little with an apparent swell—it was life.

I still remember how cold the river felt as I lashed out, as if the matters at hand were possibly its fault. I screamed until I couldn't, and when I couldn't scream, I sobbed. I beat my fists into the water, having collapsed to my knees as I cursed myself, Hidan, the situation, everything I could think of. I was completely alone, not even yet eighteen, and I was going to have a baby. Would I keep it, would I have to give it up? Where would I go, where would I have it? Should I…

I did, admittedly, have terribly grim thoughts, and I did give genuine consideration towards all of my options. I was terrified, okay? I had no idea how to be a mother, I had no idea how I would care for a child under my circumstances… I didn't have the right skills, the right knowledge, to live in a world like the one I'd stumbled into only months earlier. I'd spent my whole life having all of my choices made for me, now not only was I expected to figure it all out and learn it all on my own, but I had to raise another entire, new person? I couldn't fathom it.

But in the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept the child, and I traveled, my belly growing with my blossoming baby. While I was ignorant about much, and I struggled with finding shelter and with blending in among the crowds during the few times I wandered across a quiet town, I wasn't entirely hopeless. I could make a fire, I boiled my water to make sure it was clean for the baby's health, I knew what plants and berries to steer clear of. Although I wasn't much of a vegetation person, carrying the baby encouraged me to at least try to lean towards a more varied diet. I was scared, though. What if something went wrong, or was already wrong? Was there something specific I needed to be doing, or eating, was there special ways to help your baby grow?

I was so afraid I was hurting the child inside me, or that something was going to go wrong and I would have no way to help it. I spent many nights crying, arms wrapped around my abdomen, as if hugging the child resting inside. The first time they kicked, I wept, but I was also smiling so hard that it hurt. Soon after that, I came to recognize the child as restless and strong, and they began to keep me up most of the night, and soon they always woke me up to see the rising sun. Of course, I doubted the baby knew the sun was about to rise, it was just coincidence, but…it still felt special, like our own little moment alone.

I traveled for almost four months, never settling and never staying in one place for more than a week, and only that long when I felt ill. The pregnancy was…rough. My muscles ached, my back killed, it was a struggle to keep much food down. The baby seemed to prefer sweetness, and I stuck largely to berries and other fruit I purchased on my rare visits into the towns. In my months of traveling, I had gone across land and water alike, despite the boat travel making the nausea that much worse. I reached a region I didn't recognize at all, with a dialect I didn't understand. Like the other villages, the common language was still spoken, but I didn't understand the language of the village and towns. It wasn't sharp, like Yuga, nor complex and littered with silent letters like Suna. It was softer, quieter.

I made my way through the region, head low as I struggled to avoid attention. I felt awkward and out of place in public, but I was practicing, trying to adjust to life as…as a person, and not as a servant, an animal; I was an equal, out here, and it felt so odd. While I'd never been diffident, I'd tended to outright avoid socializing with employers or masters alike. My conversational skills lacked a little, and it was obvious I was lost. Not in terms of place, but…

A couple of weeks after I'd reached this unfamiliar region, having no idea how far away I was from the base and life I had run from—but knowing I was weeks away, and had done my damndest to erase all my traces—I stumbled across a secluded, serene town. It was secretive, and I'd come across it by accident, but when I walked down the path leading into it, it felt like it was on purpose. It was fairly small, not a bustling and crowded village filled with thousands, but perhaps only a few hundred. I wandered through, holding no real direction, and not really sure what I wanted with the place. It was someone else who decided what I needed, at the time.

Somewhere in the middle of the village, I must've fainted. Not for long, certainly not anything serious, exhaustion at worst. But an older, seasoned medic caught sight of me as I was coming to, sprawled out on the dirt pathway. It was nearing evening, not many were out on the streets, and those who were, they were busy closing up their shops and didn't have the time to see an unfamiliar face collapse out of sight. The medic, though?

Her name was Kana, her silver hair was streaked with very faint blonde, and she kept it in a long braid down her back. I only remember coming to, my head swimming as I sat on my legs, pushing myself vaguely upright. The older woman—perhaps old enough to be a grandmother, though her eyes were as sharp as a hawk's and filled with a youth even I'd never possess—had appeared in my field of blurry vision, her hands on my shoulders, strong but careful. "Honey, I've got you," she had said, and "Honey" she'd called me ever since. Kana had taken me back to the modest clinic she ran. There was a hospital in the heart of the village, but Kana lived in a sleepy corner, where those who didn't much like to be bothered but who were fiercely protective of each other resided. Kana took care of those without the means for the hospital, or those who were too stubborn, those who preferred a familiar and warm face.

Kana had given me a place to bathe, eat, and sleep, and by the next day, I felt better than I had in those entire four months. Kana told me it'd been a handful of years since she'd monitored a pregnancy, considering most folks did prefer the hospital for that, but not me. No, I preferred the privacy and the gentleness of Kana. I still wandered, still the isolated and restless wolf at heart I would always be. That never stopped Kana from welcoming me back into her clinic with open arms, where she ensured I had a place to rest and food available to me. She monitored my vitals and growth of my baby, and the relief I'd felt when she'd told me the child was healthy and strong still made my chest ache. The baby was apparently growing quite fast, too.

Kana provided me with vitamins to aid my child's progress and to boost my own strength, as well as with knowledge about the process and what was happening as well as what still awaited. She was patient and witty, and she didn't put up with nonsense. If a patient refused her treatment, she scolded them and painted a very clear picture of what fate might lay ahead for them if they kept up their stubbornness. It almost always worked on them. I could never repay Kana for all she had done, but when I was at her clinic, I assisted her where I could; I kept the place clean and helped her with shopping and stocking, and occasionally she would ask me to sit in and watch her dress wounds. I learned how to dress and care for minor wounds, and I learned how to keep someone relatively comfortable if they were in pain. It was oddly fortifying, to care for someone else.

I'd always been told I had to be useful to be worth something, but my use had always centered around my body, even if it wasn't sexualized. It always revolved around labor, how much I could do, how much better I was than someone else; it was always a competition and it was always terrifying to have it hanging over your head that, once your usefulness diminished, you risked being disposed.

Here, though, I was choosing to give my time and energy. I was choosing to help, and to see someone finally fall into a peaceful sleep after they'd been struggling with pain, or to see someone smile after I'd cleaned them up after a nasty fight or incident, it made me feel more than useful. It made me feel appreciated, and it made me feel…happy. I was happy, in this village, in this little corner on the outskirts where people would only nod kindly in greeting, but if you needed help, they dropped everything to come to your side.

When I ran away, I had really thought I'd be on the run forever. Even discovering my condition, I'd expected I'd have to give the baby up so they could grow up somewhere safe while their mother ran and ran. Now, having discovered something I'd never known I'd wanted in this village, I had no desire to leave. Perhaps someday I'd have to, sure, if I suspected even the slightest chance of danger, of my past catching up to me. But for now? Now, I felt safe, and I felt the village was the best place to raise my growing child. I knew I was putting us both in jeopardy by choosing to settle down, but I couldn't very well wander the world with a baby strapped to me. A baby needed a home, they needed stability.

Fuck, maybe I needed that, too.

Around my seventh month of pregnancy, and my third month of living within the village—a place I'd learned the villagers referred to simply as Heiwa Village, a name I think quite suited the place—I had gone out on my own, a little farther from the little town on the edge of the village. I liked the clinic, and I cared for Kana, but I couldn't spend the rest of my life there, not as a resident. It was no place for an infant, either. A child of mine and Hidan's was going to pick up the first scalpel it saw.

So I wandered, and I explored, and in a little section of the forest, I found it. It looked like the spot had been carved right out of the woods, just waiting to be discovered. It was a clearing, with the sunlight overhead peeking through in pleasant rays that didn't blind. It was cool and the grass was soft, rarely trampled…it felt so untouched. I slept in the clearing that night, and woke up the next morning deciding it was mine.

Building a home was a real pain in the fucking ass. Building a home while heavily pregnant, however, was about impossible. After all I'd said about the citizens here being willing to bend over backwards for their neighbors, that realization came when I was readying to build a small home for myself, and for the future baby. I knew nothing about house layouts, nothing about foundation or sturdiness, but I knew determination. I still fully admit that had it not been for my neighbors (well, using the term loosely, considering they hardly lived nearby) I never would've built anything more than a box. They brought in expertise, tools, and generosity, and with their help, a beautiful home came to stand in that little clearing. A cozy place, small but still plenty of space for two. I fell completely in love with it; perhaps because it was mine, and it was the first a place had ever been mine. I nested like a fucking animal, and hey, to be fair, maybe that was what my kind did. I'd never gotten the chance to ask, after all.

Blankets and pillows piled onto my bed, where I curled and nested and sang to my unborn child. I still visited the clinic near every day, helping Kana and letting her check me over. She was fond of the baby already, I could tell. But the way she grinned at me made me feel she was fond of me, too. I was vehemently against forming any sort of friendship with her at first; I'd lost everyone I'd had in such a short time span, recently, and the idea of having anyone else to lose was painful. But Kana allowed me my space, and in doing so, I think that ironically was what drew me towards her.

Kana knew very little about me. I couldn't risk telling her much, but she knew the father of my baby was gone. That was really the only piece that mattered, though judging by the way Kana treated me, I sometimes had the feeling she'd pieced together other bits about me, too. She was a medic, after all, and she'd been around a good while. It was part of her job to be perceptive. She never pressed me about it though, never asked more than I shared.

I think Kana also knew I had my hesitations about the pregnancy. By the time I'd reached this village, it was too late to do anything, and I'd already decided against it. But the option of giving the child up was still there, and even now with my belly close to popping, I still wondered about that. I think at first, I hated the child with all my heart. They were nothing but a reminder about what I'd had and what I would never have again.

But they were also mine, and they were part of Hidan, too. After a period of rage and mourning, I came to see the child as a way of always having a piece of Hidan with me, too.

Thinking about him, my chest tightened, and I had to shut my eyes. It still hurt, sometimes it hurt too much. I still occasionally found myself breaking down, but the episodes happened less frequently as the days passed. I still missed Hidan, of course I did…I always would. Even after everything, after all of it, I had still loved him. It was easier to say that, now. I thought I'd have to deal with a lot of regret, as I'd never said it, but looking back, I know now that I didn't have to. We knew. Words weren't the way we had done things.

Also looking back, I could say I'd made the right choice. Even if not for the baby, for me. Hidan wouldn't have wanted me to stay. Hidan probably wouldn't have stayed forever, himself. I think the main reason he'd been there was the destruction, the chaos, the attachment to being able to do what he wanted and have that reputation and access. Perhaps Kakuzu, too. I knew they'd respected each other, if only begrudgingly.

During my time in the Akatsuki, it had been because of Hidan, and I'd been walking in his footsteps there. Once I'd run, deviated off that path, I was paving my own. It was arduous and it was scary, but it was worthwhile, I was beginning to understand that. I was starting to live.

It was pretty fucking nice.

Suddenly, a sharp pain pierced through me, and I doubled over with a hissing intake of breath. The pain didn't immediately pass, and my breathing grew heavy as realization began to set in. It was a contraction, and it was powerful. Sweat beaded on my brow as I waited for the pain to pass, slowly pulling myself to my feet. Okay, it was okay. The clinic wasn't that far, and I had time. I rested a hand on my belly as I used my free hand to sweep my hair from my face. I could do it, it was going to be okay.

"Just hold on, little one," I murmured, imploring the baby to be patient while I got to the clinic. I didn't stop at the house to grab anything, only focused on walking down the pathway. It was so early, Kana was likely still asleep, her bedroom being above her clinic. I could worry about that when I got there though; for now, my only concern was actually getting there. My breathing was getting faster, but it wasn't pain. I didn't feel ready, I wasn't sure I could do this, I wasn't sure I could raise a baby. But they were mine, and they were Hidan's. I could practically hear his voice in my head.

After everything else? You can fucking handle this.

* * *

Breathe, push, scream.

Breathe, push, scream.

Those words echoed in my head like a mantra, a mix of my own voice and someone else's as another contraction ripped through my body. They were close together now, so close I hardly had a chance to catch my breath before another one was upon me, wracking me with a pain unlike any I'd ever experienced. It was an all-encompassing, powerful pain that made me want to curl up and weep, beg for it to stop; yet I couldn't, because at the same time, it was an encouraging sort of pain, urging me forward, guiding me towards the end.

It was close, it was so close. I'd been at this for hours, sweat dripped down my temple, soaked the sheets where my clammy skin stuck to them. Down at the edge of the bed stood Kana, her stern and warm voice coaching to push. I'd only been ready to start pushing a little while ago, though the labor felt like it had lasted for ages already. I felt like it might never end, but my body was filled with a newfound vigor, and I wrenched strength from every corner of my body to push again. The pain was terrible, blinding, my knuckles were white against the sheets I clenched, and I could hardly hear a word Kana was saying over the sound of my own scream echoing in the small room.

Suddenly, a piercing cry joined mine, much shriller and smaller, but equally as strong. I could barely hold myself up, the desire to collapse backwards against the mattress nearly too alluring to resist, but I held my eyes open, desperate and longing while I watched Kana's face. She was staring between my legs still, and I cringed as the pressure between them disappeared; the pain was still there, but it was growing distant. I could hear my heart in my ears as Kana raised her arms, and in them, so small and fragile, lay a little bundle.

Tears jumped to my eyes before I could even think to stop them, my body moving on its own accord as I reached for my tiny, wailing baby. Kana had wrapped them up in a blanket, cleaning off some of the mess they'd been resting in for nine months. "It's a girl," Kana said, her voice soft as she tucked my baby into my shaking arms.

I looked down at my baby's face, her little button nose, her round cheeks, she was so…she was so perfect. Her face was scrunched up in a cry, and I got the feeling she'd been holding that in the whole time. "Ssh, little one, ssh, you're here now, it's all right," I whispered, stroking my finger against her cheek and marveling at how soft it felt. She was so soft, so new… It was the most terrifying thing in the world to see something so fresh and vulnerable, and knowing that it was entirely up to me to make sure she stayed safe and happy. A little sob escaped me, and my daughter seemed to pause in her wailing for a moment. Her tiny petal-pink lips closed, and after another second, she opened her eyes.

I froze, unable to even breathe, as she blinked open her round doe eyes. She stared up at me, looking up at my face with curiosity.

Bright fuchsia.

My heart swelled, and it was difficult to tell which emotion was at the forefront. I shut my eyes as I leaned forward to rest my forehead against hers, tears dripping down my cheeks as another sob rattled through my chest. She had his eyes, a sight I'd never forget—he was still here, he was a part of her, and she was going to grow up strong and proud.

"She's wonderful," I whispered, pulling back so that I could press a kiss against her forehead. My daughter blinked, before she made a quiet cooing sound that made me tear up all over again. The pain of the labor and birth were nothing but a faraway memory, as if I'd just been someone watching all of that unfold. The only thing I could think about was my perfect, beautiful baby.

Kana threw away some rags in a bin beside the bed, where she'd been cleaning me up a little and finishing the work. I'd been too distracted to even notice. The seasoned medic looked up at me, a fond smile on her face. "You see? I told you, you were worried about nothing. I could see you were going to be a wonderful mother." Kana's words choked me up a bit, as I stroked a finger up and down my baby girl's arm. Every part of her was so tiny, she reminded me of a doll. "What are you going to call her?" Kana asked, pulling a fresh sheet over my naked waist.

I studied my daughter, from her shining eyes to her rosy cheeks, to her tiny hands that could only just grip one of my fingers, and as I looked down at her, she appeared to study me in return. I got the distinct suspicion she was going to grow up to be fiercely intelligent. She was absolutely perfect, my wonderful little treasure.

"I think I'll call her Takara," I whispered, tracing a fingertip against my daughter's lip. She cooed again, the odd and sweet little sound never something I thought a human could make. "My little treasure."

Kana grinned, and I sighed as I felt her rest her hand atop my head, where she combed her fingers through my still-damp hair. I leaned back a little farther, resting fully against the back of the bed. Takara's attention drew down to my neck, and her fragile hand reached out, planting against my chest. Surprised, I glanced down, and a forlorn smile worked its way onto my face. There, clasped in her tiny but determined fist, was the chain of the Jashin pendant. Another part of her father; perhaps she would share it with him, because I undoubtedly would have to teach her about the religion her father had practiced and the God he'd held in such high regard. It would be her choice, but that was still a ways off.

I took Takara's hand and brought it to my lips, pressing a kiss to her silken skin. "We're gonna be all right," I told her, my vision blurring a little as I looked at her. Already, I'd cried more than my daughter had, and I could see she was going to be a powerful and brave person. I wouldn't raise her any other way. I was, however, going to raise her with everything I had wanted as a child. Takara was going to know love, patience, and unconditional support. She would always have someone standing behind her, ready to catch her when she stumbled; or standing beside her, watching her make her own way when she no longer needed me. She would always have a home in me. Now, perhaps I always had a home, too.

I glanced up to the ceiling, a weary sigh expelling from my chest. Whether or not it was true that the dead could look out for the living, I hoped that somehow, Hidan would know he had a daughter, and that I was going to raise her to the best of my ability and love her with everything I had. I would teach her Hidan's resilience and strength, and my determination and wit. Whatever or whoever my child decided to be, she was going to be a force to be reckoned with.

Months ago, when I'd never felt more alone in my life, I thought I might never put myself back together. Now, I had someone I had to be strong for. When I looked down at her, though, it felt like she was the one being strong for me. I saw a future in Takara…not too different from when I'd started seeing a future in Hidan. They both had built an entire new path in my life, and without them, I might've stayed on the same broken and unlit way I'd always walked.

Now, I had someone to live for, someone to love. Someone close, and someone far. I shut my eyes, and held Takara close to my chest, where I hoped she could sense all the love I had for her.

She would make him proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Man, what! It's mindblowing to finish this story for a second time, and I had such a blast rewriting this one. It has a special place in my heart, being one of my most popular stories, and even having inspired people to draw art for it! That's something that still makes me tear up, even now. It also makes me want to revisit this dynamic, someday. Perhaps in the future I'll write with this OC again. I do miss it, and I miss Hidan, despite not really being in the Naruto fandom anymore. It was my first fandom, so it'll always be special to me.
> 
> Thank you so much to readers both old and new, and I hope if you're someone who read the old version of this story, you enjoy this one as well. If you're brand new, I hope you enjoyed whatever chaos you unwittingly stumbled into here, lmao. As old readers may remember, while this is the original ending of this story, I did write an alternate ending as well, and you can check that out in the following chapter/s, if you would like.
> 
> Take care, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals!
> 
> Old Note: Takara does mean treasure if I remember correctly.
> 
> So we'll have to set a few things straight here, I know!
> 
> Yes this is the final chapter of Captive. I'm aware some of you are displeased with how it ended and while you cannot please everyone, I'm still very sorry! I've been planning this out for some time now and I've known that this is how it was going to end for several months. I may have continued this on but for two huge reasons, it came to a close; one being you can't have something go on forever and this story was getting long and is now very, very long for a multichapter. And the next reason being I have other stories that require full attention and I had to end a couple and I chose to focus on writing this until it was finished. I started this over a year ago I believe!
> 
> I've enjoyed writing it so, so very much and it has a very special place in my heart. I'm extremely proud of how much attention this story got for an OC story, thank you all so much; it's unfathomable how much I appreciate all of you that followed, reviewed, and favorited. I love you all so much and thanks for sticking with me through this long, complicated journey and I hope you enjoyed every moment and I hope its ending was to your satisfaction. This is more of an epilogue really, but nonetheless.
> 
> ~Heiwa~


	32. ALTERNATE ENDING P1

I was no stranger to being on my own.

I was born with no one, and I had made my way through life never trusting anyone else, always looking over my shoulder. Even if now I could admit to longing for a friend, I'd not been foolish enough to call someone that for the longest time. I'd had allies, perhaps, but even that was a stretch, and they'd not lasted long either. I was familiar with being by myself. I raised myself, I took care of myself, and I fought for myself.

So why, then, did I suddenly feel more alone than I ever had in my entire life?

The jarring longing, the searing loneliness, it ate away at my chest bit by bit, until I could feel a gaping hole torn where I'd once been full. My eyes burned, and I attributed that to the rain that dripped down into them, but I was nothing but a liar. I'd been lying for a long time, and now I'd lost the chance to tell the truth.

I clenched my hands in the ground, my fingers digging into the mud as I leaned down, a sob wracking my body. I was inhaling rain and exhaling fire, somewhere inside me boiled a terrible rage. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right—it couldn't be right. After everything Hidan had promised, everything he had praised; his immortality, his devotion to Jashin that would keep him alive through anything, it couldn't have failed him. No one had the power to take Hidan away except Jashin, and I refused to believe it had been time. Hidan's loyalty was unshakeable, he was too stubborn, too spiteful, to finally let go. Konoha's shinobi could never break that, they could never rob him of that.

They could never rob me of him.

The scent of blood was still sharp in the air as I straightened, lifting my head. My vision blurred with water—both fresh and salt—as I opened my eyes and stared ahead into the wispy shadows that lay ahead. Tree trunks, all gnarled and ancient, beckoned me forward, their roots wet with rain and blood. I had to go. I hadn't a choice, really, now did I? I had to know, I had to see for myself. Something in me bloomed with an insistence, a need, something was calling me. Even if what I saw would break me completely, I had to find it.

With the pendant still clutched in my hand, I stood. My first step was shaky, my second was a stumble, and as I caught my balance, I began to pick up strength. Mud squished beneath my feet as I began to run, breaking through branches and bushes as I tore through the forest; if the earth would not move for me, I was going to move it my-fucking-self. A new energy rejuvenated me, refilled my empty lungs with a fresh vigor, and no longer did I notice any pain.

The scent of iron and rust clung to my senses, stronger, closer. It was so powerful it made my stomach turn, and I could only picture what might have happened way out here, out of sight, out of thought. Had Pein even thought to search, had he even cared? After everything, he was so willing to discard members of his organization, never even bothering to know if they were truly gone? It didn't matter, right, if they would eventually die in their little hovels?

The forest felt separate from the rest of the world, and as I ran, I felt separate as well. It felt like I was running through a memory, almost. I stumbled sometimes, I fell, but I always yanked myself back to my feet, hardly before I'd hit the ground. The pendant cut into my hand as I grasped it tightly, and it was truly ironic wasn't it, to leave behind a symbol of your god?

But perhaps it was purposely left behind. A god's way of guiding. It had to be, I couldn't be chasing empty hope. I couldn't be.

I slipped and toppled to the ground, and that time, I didn't get up. I lay on my back, gasping and swallowing air and rain. I had never prayed to Hidan's god before, I had never spoken to Jashin. But as I lay on the forest floor, I shut my eyes and I clasped the pendant in my hands, bringing it up to my mouth. Please, please let me find him, please guide me. Please don't take him.

_Get up and keep going, then. Don't let him down._

My eyes popped open as I sucked in a gasp. I hadn't heard the voice in ages, but it was there, crystal clear, and it was right. I had to get up, I couldn't let Hidan suffer alone. I couldn't plead for someone else to do it for me. He needed me. Now, it was my turn to give him life.

"He's too prideful," I said, teeth grit. "He's too stubborn." I pushed myself up onto my knees. "He's too strong!" I got to my feet, voice rising as I clawed my way through the brambles. "He's immortal!" I was screaming, my voice rolling like the thunder in the sky. When I ran, I did not fall, and I did not slow. I didn't allow anything to get in my way as I closed the distance between me, and whatever out there was calling to me. Lightning cracked overhead, landing all around me and singeing my veins with electricity. My vision was white with the blinding light, and the scent of charred bark reached my nose, softening the pervading scent of blood.

I was the lightning.

The forest itself seemed to bend and move for me, as if leading me, and for once, I had to question if I truly was being guided. I could hear the rain and the thunder, I could hear my heartbeat and my own screams as I shouted to the heavens, things that I would never make sense of; and suddenly, I burst through the trees and into a clearing, and it all fell silent.

The trees were burned, scorched black, and a hole had been carved into the earth, covered hastily with dirt and rock. I approached slowly, as if something might burst from the hole and drag me down into it. My ears were ringing, the silence surrounding me beginning to fade in and out as I couldn't tear my eyes off the scene. I sunk to my knees at the edge of the hole, where the dirt was still loose.

I began to dig.

My nails cracked and bled as I clawed through the dirt and rubble, oblivious to the pain shooting through my fingers. They could break for all I cared, it was nothing compared to the awful, empty hole that was still bleeding within my chest. I'd known all along Hidan would be the end of me, it just wasn't in the way I had always thought. I'd waited for the day he tore my beating heart right from my chest, a victory after a battle we'd both vehemently fought. I didn't think I'd be the fucking idiot who ripped it out myself and threw it at him.

_You can live without him. You can go on. You're strong enough, you can run._

I didn't want to. I wanted my heart back. I wanted Hidan back.

Hours passed, my vision blurring and eyes burning—with sweat or tears, I didn't know. It didn't matter, I only had to dig; down, down, down, as the light faded and brightened with a passage of time that I couldn't notice. My arms ached, numb and heavy, but I continued to move them no matter how my body protested. Over my own heavy breathing, I heard something. I froze, as if struck by a paralyzing agent, not even daring to breathe. I'd hallucinated it, I had to have.

A muffled curse, drowned in dirt.

Of course I would hear him long before I saw him.

Relief surged through my chest unlike any I'd ever felt, ice cold and dousing the searing pain that had taken refuge there. A hysterical laugh spilled from my lips before I could even think to catch it, and the string of threats fell silent, albeit not for long. I heard my name, garbled though it was, but I'd always recognize my name on his lips.

Invigorated, I resumed my furious digging with renewed determination, in spite of the fact that'd I'd long since passed exhausted. I was running on autopilot, I was pretty sure, only able to focus on the task at hand and my breathing. In, out—dig, dig. I could envision my goal, and it was enough to keep me going and ignore the allure of rest.

The rain returned, as if to aide my efforts, and the dirt grew slippery and easier to claw aside. Soon, after what felt like days had been dedicated to the labor, I was rewarded. The rain washed away the dirt that covered Hidan's body—or, what was left of it. Even I could barely swallow the bile that rose in my throat at the sight of his mangled body, blown to bits by what I could only assume was a powerful explosion. Ironic, if that was the way Hidan had wanted to go out, Deidara would hardly have needed to be asked.

Looking at the mess in front of me, I doubted I was even going to be able find all of him, but I hadn't come so far just to lose. "Immortal, huh?" I huffed out, starting to pull Hidan's gruesome remains from his grave. "Best tell me Jashin has a way to fix this, then."

It was hard to tell whose shock outweighed whose, but Hidan might've had mine beat. Without the dirt to muffle him, his shouts and curses were crystal clear. He hardly stopped to breathe the entire time I dug him free.

"Are you a fucking idiot?"

"What the fuck are you doing out here, how did you get out here?"

"They'd crush you like a fucking bug if they found you, you crazy fucking bitch!"

"Are you even fucking listening?!"

I heaved a great sigh. "It's hard to ignore a screaming severed head!" I snapped back, leveling a glare at Hidan's head, and he shut up.

I gathered up the pieces of his body, a slow and tedious task as I did my best to assemble them outside the hole, while the rain washed away dirt and blood. All the while, I spat the occasional jab at Hidan, prompting him to talk—okay, maybe I'd missed his voice. How could he get killed by a kid, how could he let this happen, how _lucky_ he was I'd come back for him; that last one really got him spitting. I wasn't too sure how long Hidan had been trapped in the makeshift grave, but it must've been a relief to actually talk freely. Maybe it was a relief to have someone to hear it.

"How the fuck am I supposed to put you back together?" I lamented, the gnawing sense of dread finally having worked its way through my relief. There had to be a way, right? Jashin couldn't fail me—couldn't fail Hidan, now. I didn't dare ask about Kakuzu, I knew the older man would have been capable of sewing Hidan's body back into one piece; but if there was any chance of his partner being alive, Hidan would have already said as much.

"Lord Jashin will do most of it," Hidan said, his voice growing raspier, but no less reverent when speaking of his god. "You just have to get your shit together, I'll need your blood and your chakra."

I steeled myself against the upcoming hours that were sure to be a piece of hell. Nausea swelled in my gut as I maneuvered the shreds of Hidan's body on the forest floor, until I had a relatively human shape. While I worked, Hidan murmured words I didn't understand, but his voice alone was a comfort. He had only asked for blood and chakra, when once upon a time, I knew Hidan had every intention of killing me, even of offering me as a sacrifice. I couldn't help but wonder if actually taking my life outright would make the process faster, more efficient, knowing that Hidan's strength from Jashin relied on his worship and sacrifices.

Without weapons around, I looked down at my hands, and without hesitation I brought my wrist to my mouth and bit into it. Pain ripped up my arm as my teeth tore into my flesh, and I yanked my head away, spraying blood down across Hidan's battered body. I dripped my blood all across him, and when it began to slow, I did the same to my other wrist, biting and clawing into my own flesh to draw the blood Hidan needed. Alongside the crimson, a green glow emanated from my fingertips where I rested them on Hidan's forehead, and I felt my chakra sapping away from me. Dizziness rose in me, and the aches within my body seemed to throb, steadily taking a rhythm.

I blinked, and narrowed my eyes down at where I was holding my bleeding hand. I blinked again to test if I had only imagined it, but with jarring repulsion, I realized I'd been right. Before my eyes, Hidan's skin began to rend together, joints and bones fusing and reconnecting in a morbid display of a power I would never understand. I swallowed and tasted rain and iron, swaying as I straightened and backed away. Hidan's brow creased, either in pain or concentration, I wasn't sure. With every blink of my eyes, Hidan appeared more and more whole.

With a long-suffering groan, Hidan sat up, his pale hair clinging to his forehead as he rested his arms on his knees. He moved slow and heavy, like he was relearning how to move in his own skin. I held my breath as Hidan opened his eyes, his gaze landing on me. Indolent and stiff, Hidan clambered to his feet. Overhead, a streak of lightning lit up the sky, illuminating the maroon stains that were slowly trickling down our bodies.

Hidan tilted his head, the startling sound of his neck cracking followed. "What the fuck are you staring at?" he asked me, and his lips moved into that familiar smirk.

I felt my heart seize in my chest, and it took a moment too long, until I thought it might not start again at all. I had been surviving on pure adrenaline, the sheer longing that had fueled me every step of this fucking bullshit. Had it been hours or had it been days, I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. The only thing I knew for certain was Hidan standing before me, whole and very much alive. As long as I could be sure of that, who really cared?

With all of that fear, all of that hopelessness, now that it was finally out of my way, everything else came roaring to the forefront with frightening intensity. How scared had I been, that I would lose Hidan? That I would be on my own? How angry had I been, that anyone would take out such a proud and spiteful being? How ashamed had I been to realize that after everything, I was in love with him?

An eye for an eye, what was a god to a nonbeliever?

I was not the same person I had been when I met Hidan, over a year ago. I wouldn't even recognize her, if she stood before me, all teeth and claws and snarl. Someone so afraid that she only knew how to be angry, she only knew how to hide, she couldn't grow. She couldn't live. If she saw me now, she would probably hate me, but I believe that would be fine. I had become someone new, and I certainly didn't hate her. I had learned to fight, I had learned to take my pain and grow, I had spent so much time hating and fearing that I had never even had time to confront myself. I hadn't known who I was.

You know, she was one hell of a bitch to be reckoned with.

I laughed, a breathless sound that almost hurt. For everything Hidan had done, for all the monster that he was, I still loved him. Oh, no, I didn't need him. I'd have been fine. Not tomorrow, perhaps not even in a year, but eventually. Hidan had certainly not shaped me into someone who broke, and had he seen me weep over him, he'd have laughed. No, I didn't need—but I wanted. I wanted him, all of him. Even when it hurt, it was good, and I'd never have it any other way. I'd always been a bit of an addict. A little high, and I would chase it forever.

I hadn't been the only one to change. I wouldn't need to chase, because Hidan had let himself get caught, the fucking idiot. We had chipped away at each other so much that we'd rebuilt each other with parts of ourselves. How the fuck could you live without part of yourself?

I collapsed to my knees, sinking into the ground as every ounce of breath and strength alike seeped out of me. My arms hung limp at my sides as black ate at my vision. Hidan was in front of me the next I opened my eyes, his palm warm against my face, alive. He called my name, but it sounded like an echo. I felt a smile tug at my lips, and I reached down, arm heavy as I pulled out Hidan's pendant from my pocket. I pressed it against Hidan's chest. "I love you, you fucking bastard." The words spilled out of me, taking the last of my energy with them. I felt myself slump, eyes rolling back, and I knew I was gone.

I never did feel myself hit the ground.

* * *

The sound of a pattering drizzle lured me to the edge of a fuzzy consciousness, one that I was far from willing to accept. My body throbbed in protest, and my sluggish mind struggled to remember where I was—why on earth was it so cold?

I tried pushing myself up, only to wince at the hard-packed ground beneath my palm. Puzzled, I finally managed to blink open my eyes to peer out of the mouth of a cave, where the sleepy rain dimmed a sunrise. Or sunset, for all I knew I was hallucinating the light, it wouldn't be the biggest surprise. Every motion of my body felt delayed, like my body was waking up one piece at a time, and my brain was ages behind it. As I straightened, bones creaking in annoyance, something black slipped down into my lap. I started, before I grasped the tattered remains of the cloak, familiar red clouds making me clench it tight.

"Finally awake?" a voice rumbled, striking a chord in me that seemed to rejuvenate my reluctant body. I spun around, seeking out the only source I knew that voice could belong to. It happened like a final hit; slow, frightening, and oddly captivating. You knew you were done for and yet you just couldn't tear your gaze away.

Hidan sat a few feet farther into the cave, his eyes locked on me—those eyes, those damn fuchsia eyes. They almost seemed to glow, almost seemed to haunt, and I comforted myself with the notion that they could have damned _anyone_. I noted briefly that he'd gotten a pair of pants from somewhere, though asking about them was far beyond me. Around his throat, his beloved silver pendant glistened as he sat upright, and I watched his mouth curve into a familiar smirk.

Oh, I'd never fucking admit to missing that smirk.

"You look like you've seen a fucking ghost," Hidan said, and well, he wasn't so far off, now was he? I swallowed, though it didn't do much for my dry throat.

"I think I've found something far worse," I said back, gracelessly clambering to my feet. I made my way to Hidan, and though the distance was only a few steps, my body felt so stiff and locked. I dropped before Hidan, the torn cloak still wrapped around my shoulders as I'd yet to let go. Whether I'd simply forgotten to or I was too stubborn to, who could say. It was the only shield I had.

My eyes darted across Hidan's weary features, trying to find something wrong, something amiss, anything that might tell me none of this was real. It was a bad dream, a hallucination, or worse—whatever I'd brought back wasn't Hidan at all. But as my gaze settled on those eyes, I knew. Nothing could ever mimic that, nothing could ever make my heart skip a beat quite like that. A smile broke across my face, shaky and yet still so wide it hurt. "You thought you could die and get away?" I rasped out, and Hidan quirked a brow. "I promised if I died, I'd haunt you. You dying doesn't change it, I just had to adjust the rules," I grinned again, all but drunk on relief.

Hidan stared at me in silence for a moment, before a scoffed out a breathless rendition of a laugh. Without warning, he wrapped an arm around me and dragged me in tight against his chest. I allowed myself to fall onto him, and brought up one hand to rest it over his beating heart. I shut my eyes as I listened, the steady _ba-dum, ba-dum_ was almost enough to bring fresh tears to my eyes. I wasn't such a crier, but I could be cut a little slack for once.

It was real, this was real.

"Stupid fucking mutt," Hidan mumbled without any venom, slowly tracing his fingers up and down my back. I sighed contently, reluctant to do much else, and certainly anything that required movement.

"I'll keep that in mind when I need to bring your ungrateful ass back to life again," I said just as softly, earning a quiet snort from Hidan. We spent a long time like that, tangled together and simply listening to each other breathe. I was sure we were both still quite drained, and while I had no idea how long I'd slept, I was open to sleeping for, oh…another week? I wasn't keen on wandering about, too afraid someone would spot Hidan while he was still weak. He needed more time to recover, and I wasn't liable to be much of a protector, not right then. Word had already gotten out about his death, if someone saw him (or, what they might at least presume to be him) walking, I couldn't imagine what might happen. Word would get back to Konoha, who'd want to finish the job, or worse, the Akatsuki.

The Akatsuki…

I pulled away so that I could face Hidan, who let his hand trail from the back of my head down to my back. "What are we doing to do?" I asked, perhaps a bit more bluntly than needed, but where was I gonna pull the energy to be coy? "Where are we going to go, we can't…I ran from the Akatsuki, Hidan, they were…they were going to kill me, Deidara had to pretend to—"

I was abruptly cut off. Hidan's hand grasped my jaw, pulling me close to crush our mouths together in what was probably the hardest, most desperate kiss I had ever shared—and it made me wonder if, maybe, Hidan had been just as afraid as I'd been.

"We won't go back. I'm never going back to that shithole," Hidan said, his voice rumbling against my lips. I blinked my eyes open, leaning back a bit as I looked at him in shock.

"But that was your home, that…" I trailed off, blindsided by the idea of Hidan actually not wanting to return. I'd considered that, just maybe, if I'd brought Hidan back to their clutches, Pein would be more lenient in not executing me. It was far-fetched, but to me, it was far likelier than Hidan refusing to go back.

Hidan waved a dismissive hand, eyebrows knit in a scowl. "It was a fucking dump, all it did was get in my fucking way," he groused. "I stayed because it was a perfect fucking outlet, and it gave me plenty of access to destruction and people worthy of sacrifice. Now that Kakuzu's gone and gotten himself killed, there's really no fucking reason to keep boosting that pierced prick's fucking ego."

I resisted the urge to point out that Hidan, too, had gotten himself killed. In my blind panic (and subsequent relief) I'd briefly forgotten that Kakuzu's death would affect Hidan, too. I exhaled a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, and slowly brought a hand up to rest it over Hidan's Jashin pendant in silent respect. Hidan fell still for a moment, glancing back at me, and I noticed the corner of his mouth tilt a little.

"Where will we go, then?" I asked again, and truth be told, I didn't even notice how quickly I'd made us a packaged deal. Where Hidan went, I would follow. Not because of any fucking collar and chain, but because of something much fucking worse. What a riot, wasn't it?

"Fuck if I know," Hidan shrugged, leaning back and shutting his eyes with an indifference that I didn't possess. In the midst of Hidan's apparent contentment, I was accosted with fears of being caught, of being killed or interrogated, of losing everything all over again. Where we were going, how we would get there, and how long we could stay were all questions plaguing me, and I was busy trying to map out the next several years, when I happened to glance at Hidan's face. His jaw was unclenched, his brows relaxed, and it all hit me at once.

To Hidan, this meant freedom. It meant he no longer answered to someone who didn't even share, perhaps didn't even respect, his beliefs that had first drawn him to the Akatsuki. Hidan was no longer a pawn in a game that very likely didn't even see him in the ending of it. He'd had to die for that, but I'd liberated him.

A debt for a debt.

That was when I let myself relax, and realized all I had to worry about was the moment. I'd worry about tomorrow when it arrived. "Fine, then I'll lead. Let's get as far away as we can from this shit village," I said.

Hidan forwent any of his scoffs and snorts in favor of an actual laugh, reaching up to push his hair back again. "Is that what we're gonna do, you think you're in fucking charge, now?"

I lifted my chin defiantly. "You went and got yourself killed, I'm not letting that go anytime soon." I watched Hidan's eyes glimmer with something warm, but no less dangerous than I'd always known, and it reminded me. Months ago, Hidan had signed a contract with his name, and I thought he'd stolen my life.

Somewhere along the way, I must've signed a contract with mine, and made a deal with the devil himself. Well, every devil needed a demon, and I wasn't about to kid myself. This story had no angel.

"Come on, bitch. I'm sick of this fucking cave," Hidan said, hefting me off his lap as he brought us both to our feet with far more strength than I thought he'd possess. I battled a bout of vertigo, clutching the cloak tight around my shoulders as Hidan stretched and popped several stiff joints. I watched him for a moment, simply lost. We had no idea where we going, only that we were going…well, and that we had each other. My life was far from a love story, and Hidan was even further from a knight in shining armor, but I didn't begrudge that.

Hidan turned around in the mouth of the cave. "You fuckin' coming?" he asked, and he tilted his head. I watched the first rays of sunlight catch his eyes, with the haunting glow that had always sucked me in. I realized I'd never truly found my way back out. Hidan grinned suddenly, and I knew that he knew. I was gone.

Gone in those eyes that held me captive.

I did not want to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: ah man, ah…man. Got me feeling all sorts of shit in this chili's tonight. I haven't written any new content for this OC in ages, and especially not with Hidan, but BOI I kinda miss it! I miss being cringy and dramatic and tropey!
> 
> Anyways, the next chapter concludes this "alternative ending" for Captive. I debated rewriting the alternative ending at all, because to this day I kind of side-eye alternative endings, because I'm just the type to prefer a solid conclusion. However, I also hate angst, so what drove me to write that "true ending" is beyond me in the first place, so I respect those who wanted a happier version.
> 
> Admittedly, it WAS rough of me to write that whole thing only to kill him at the end, so it's fair to have the alternative version. I've even been considering writing snippets for this story, but…all of the fans for this story are long gone, I'm sure, and I'm really only rewriting it for my own benefit/pride. But even years ago, I was considering writing snippets, like little ficlets centered in the middle of this fic, or even ones centered after, involving Amaya's pregnancy or involving Takara herself.
> 
> If even one person shares interest in that, I'll selfishly take it and write a few ideas out, since I want it myself lmao.
> 
> Old Note: [Alternate Ending continued and finished next chapter]
> 
> Long time no fucking see!
> 
> People have been repeatedly requesting I write an alternate ending that "isn't sad" and I denied them for a long time because I didn't want to. I liked the ending, and I've never liked alternate endings because I prefer finalization and can never choose between endings if I'm given a choice which then feels like there's no real end at all. But since people seem to really want it, and because I started to like the idea myself, I went for it.
> 
> I'm strongly considering making "extras" for this story. Sets of drabbles about separate things that happened during and even after the story, such as little Takara growing up. Probably will be doing variations in the extras too, such as both alternate endings and a different one with them still in the Akatsuki. What thinks you? Please give your opinion on whether or not you'd read them!


	33. ALTERNATE ENDING P2

A nomadic lifestyle suited me quite well, or at least, for the period of time I could allow that. Perhaps had my life gone differently, I would've spent it all on the roads, both those traveled and those buried in moss. Hidan took to it as well, though of course he was far more accustomed to it. He'd spent weeks, sometimes months traveling, both before swearing loyalty to the Akatsuki and during when he'd be sent on missions as a former Yuga nin. Home hadn't been a concept for Hidan in ages, and for me, it hadn't ever really been one. My home wasn't exactly a somewhere, but a someone—I'd really turned god-awfully sappy. I could blame that on hormones, and I was fully willing to, I wasn't above it.

In the first few months, perhaps three or so, Hidan and I wandered and traveled in relative ease. We even separated on occasion, though we always found our way back to each other, seldom straying too far. I wasn't sure Hidan trusted my ability to protect myself, the same as I didn't trust him to stay out of trouble. I wasn't looking to attract too much attention, too much of a name; I knew it was only a matter of time before the Akatsuki caught wind of us. Hidan's survival would be seen as a betrayal, once Pein learned he'd failed to return. It wasn't as if either of us had any urge to run and sell the secrets and information of the Akatsuki, in fact, we were more than happy to never hear the name ever again.

Another reason Hidan and I sometimes spent time away was probably due to how differently we lived. Hidan stormed through it all, itching for something, longing for something; a bunch of somethings that I knew were going to expose his survival eventually. People would recognize him, one half of the infamous zombie duo that had terrorized for years, the man who cheated death and would stand up again just to curse you up and down, even with a knife right through his heart. I didn't care for chasing my next kill, hunting that adrenaline and excitement the same way Hidan did. I found myself satiated with the peace of the forest, the soothing murmur of a river, or the cool breezes when traipsing up a mountain path on the trail of a herd of deer.

I'd spent my entire life locked away from the world, I was starved for it, and I was going to get my fill.

Hidan usually was the one to find his way back to me, tacked on with a muttered "damn wolf" upon finding me. It was a phrase I'd heard often, and nowadays I tended to only smirk in response. We'd spend several days together before dividing up again. Despite my affinity for spending time alone, I was always a little averse to let him go. He always brought something back for me with him, from supplies to cash, and I tended to neglect asking him where he got it all. I guess Kakuzu's habit of bounty hunting rubbed off on Hidan, after all.

There was a problem however, a growing problem, and one I was extremely reluctant to actually tell Hidan about. It was going to throw a wrench into this whole newfound setup, however finite it might've been. I'd gone out of my way to dress loosely and avoid undressing in front of Hidan, but by the end of the third month, it was too hard, too exhausting. In the end, I ended up not having to tell him at all. Of course he'd end up noticing, he'd have to be a brick wall not to see it. The sickness, the easy exhaustion that left me pausing several times during the day, the odd craving for anything strawberry that I kept sneaking into the odd village or town to find? Not to mention that, finally, my belly would bulge a bit even under the baggiest clothes, if I turned a certain way. I was the oblivious one, thinking he'd never suspect.

* * *

It came on a freezing morning, in a breathless timbre of astonishment and horror. "You're fucking pregnant."

I froze, staring down at the running water of the sink as if I might just follow the water down the drain. I'd convinced Hidan into a hotel last night when the temperature dropped so low, and of all the places that would be so easy to hide myself, I'd forgotten to shut the bathroom door. He'd been gone when I woke up, I hadn't assumed he'd come back so soon—where did he pick up being so quiet and why the hell would he pick such a terrible time to show it off?

Instinctively, I rested a hand across my swollen belly, exposed by the robe I'd put on after a shower, fighting a surge of protectiveness. I turned around just enough to look at Hidan, where he stood in the doorway with a tight jaw, studying me. Silence stretched between us in what felt like a rapidly building gap, his eyes boring into mine as I returned the look calmly, despite my hand staying in guard across my stomach.

"When the fuck were you planning on telling me?" Hidan finally asked, not quite angry, but sharp with accusation. He hadn't taken a step towards me, so I relaxed, though I wasn't really sure I ever genuinely expected him to endanger us—me…us.

I opened my mouth before I had an answer, and stood there for a moment with a lost expression, reaching for an explanation while Hidan waited, lifting his chin as if to prompt me. _Well? Go on,_ his eyes said. I swallowed dryly. "When…the baby got here?" I said, offering a weak answer. Hidan scowled, and I turned away with a grimace. "Look, I don't want to say, okay? I didn't know what to do, I still don't know what to do!" I snapped a little, though I knew I didn't really have any right. It was becoming tedious to travel; I was tired, I was getting sore, and I was afraid. I couldn't travel with a newborn, it would put them at risk, it would put us at risk. A child needed a home, they needed stability. A child needed what I never had.

I wanted our baby to live the life Hidan and I didn't.

Hidan stared at me for another moment before he exhaled the tension from his shoulders, rolling his eyes before he walked into the bathroom. I stubbornly kept my gaze pointed to the side. "Fuck's sake," I heard him mutter under his breath. "I'm really going to have to deal with a miniature fucking version of you, now?"

A huff of surprised laughter escaped me, and I relaxed backwards against the counter. "They're going to be part you too, _bastard_ ," I muttered, using an insult I'd picked up from Hidan in Yuga. Hidan snorted, and I felt a cool palm rest against my belly, swollen with life. We were still for a moment, perhaps both finally coming to terms with the—our—baby.

Without a word, Hidan turned around and began to walk away, and I felt my heart jump up into my throat; the only thing stopping me from saying his name. After everything, after what I'd done, after what we'd done, he was going to leave me alone? He was going to leave me alone with a child? He couldn't, I—

"There's a small village north of here. Small, secluded, they don't fuck around with anyone else and it's too fucking far for anyone to bother with it. As far as anyone else is concerned, the fucking place doesn't exist," Hidan explained, while I blinked owlishly.

"You're going to leave me there?" I asked, my voice barely rising above a whisper. Hidan shot a look over his shoulder, pointedly glancing at my stomach.

"I'm sure as fuck not delivering a screaming fucking demon in the middle of a lake," he remarked dismissively. I could feel my heart sinking out of its panicked spot in my throat, dropping way past where it belonged back in my chest. Before I could open my mouth though, Hidan went on, not appearing to sense my distress. "Besides, if you're going to end up with another mouth to feed, guess I'll have to fucking take care of that, too."

He'd mumbled it under his breath, clearly not very interested in the baby, but that slight, if wary reassurance, was all I needed. He wasn't abandoning me. No, he was going out of his way to make sure I'd stay safe and could take care of our baby. Unbidden, tears sprung to my eyes, and I began to laugh. Hidan turned around fully with furrowed brows, probably truly questioning my stability at that point. I reached up to wipe away the tears, still hiccupping with laughter; or maybe I was just crying, hard to tell anymore.

"Thank you," I murmured, and surprise flitted across Hidan's expression. Almost as soon as it was there, it was gone, replaced by another scowl as he waved a dismissive hand in my direction.

"Get your shit and get ready. It's a week or two hike, and we're fucking getting there before you get so big I have to carry you." He stormed out of the room after that, while I smiled at his back. Good or bad, I was stuck with him, and I was just fine with that. Still, I glanced down at my bump, petting it affectionately.

"Don't turn out like him," I whispered. I'd never survive that.

* * *

Village life was too stagnant for Hidan, a fact I knew long before we'd even arrived in the concealed and sleepy little village. There was an otherworldly air about the place though, sometimes something too out of the ordinary happened, and bringing attention to those moments felt like a law that was never broken. If I were to come into this village, an unfamiliar and untrustworthy face with an unspoken of past, then the least I could do was respect their customs. The people of this village, affectionately dubbed Heiwa Village, or perhaps they'd simply long forgotten the true name, were all smiles and helping hands.

Apparently, people passed through here often, but they seldom came back twice and it was even rarer for someone to settle. I came skittering in behind a foul-mouthed and intimidating rogue shinobi, and while I was afraid Hidan would frighten them out of opening a spot for me somewhere within these safe walls, no one here seemed more than bemused. The first to approach us was an older woman, her greying hair tied into a strict braid that fell over one shoulder. Though she was sage and withered, her eyes were sharp and her hands steady as she regarded Hidan with an unaffected smile. When she turned her gaze to me, I felt myself drawn out from hiding, nudging past Hidan towards her extended hand.

"She can stay. You, on the other hand, can visit," the woman had remarked, brooking no argument despite Hidan's affronted expression. How the old woman had known the purpose we sought here I still didn't know, as she had a way of avoiding questions; by the time you realized she'd never even answered, though, you were an hour into one of her stories. Her name was Kana, and she seemed to have lived countless lives, but this current one was that of a medic, and she loved to regale me with stories of her as a little girl aiding her mother in medical tents. Now, Kana ran the single clinic in the village, and she did so with endless empathy, patience, and a sharp tongue that quieted any disgruntled patience.

Much like Kana had first said, though I suspected she'd been joking (it was simply hard to tell with her wry tones) Hidan was more tolerated than he was welcomed into the village. It wasn't that he stayed much in the first place, often only staying a few days at a time only to leave for a longer period. I wasn't much put-off by it, the idea of what he'd do being cooped up in a drowsy village was enough to make me pale.

Although, I was impressed he managed to remember where to find the cozy home I'd made for myself; with plenty of help of course, but once I'd stumbled across the hidden corner, I knew it was mine, and immediately set about building a home. It was small, but I liked it that way; plenty of room for me and a little one. Hidan's fleeting presence wasn't enough to make it feel cramped. If anything, it made it feel more like a home, but I'd sooner swallow my tongue than say that out loud.

My pregnancy progressed faster than what felt normal, but it also wasn't like I had anything to compare it to. Kana monitored me, and while she did have a couple of subordinate medics and a few young apprentices, I was only willing to allow her near me. Too many sets of hands, too many prying questions, it was too much for me to handle. There was something about Kana, in her witty banter and her gentle but sturdy hands, her green eyes that glinted with mirth and her always welcoming "Oh, come in honey!" when she saw me.

She'd called me that since meeting me, and never anything else, aside from the occasional "careful, girl" when I pushed myself too much. Even heavily pregnant, I tended to wander, walking aimlessly through the forest and along the river that cut through it. Sometimes it wore me out a little too much, and I found myself waddling into Kana's clinic to sleep on her couch rather than make my way back to my own home, on the outskirts of the village. I liked the privacy, the fine line that was my own little world away from everyone else's. But I liked Kana, too. Closer to the end of my eighth month carrying this gravid belly of mine, I had chosen to stay closer to Kana, urged by her to take up residence in a spare room of her clinic.

After all, I wasn't quite human, so she wasn't quite an expert, and I certainly wasn't either. Even so, Kana maintained a calmness that I certainly lacked when the day finally came.

It was a sharp pain that made my vision go stark white, and when I blinked clarity back into my eyes, I was bent over and holding my stomach. Kana had crossed the room in impressive time (or not, for all I knew, I'd been bent over like that for an hour) and took my arm, ushering me to a cot to rest on. I could hear her instructions, mingled with reassurance and praise as she helped me to strip my lower clothes off and prop myself onto the cot. It all felt very clinical, rehearsed, and I still remember tasting panic like bitter gin down the back of my throat.

The pain was immense, the work was exhausting, but the moment I heard that cry, absolutely everything faded into a blissful, peaceful, nothingness. The only thing in the world was the squirming bundle of blankets that Kana pressed into my shaking arms, her mouth pulled into a proud smile. "She's all yours, honey."

Yes, she was.

Bright, fuchsia eyes blinked up at me suddenly, her crying ceasing as if she were surprised and just had to pause and study me, and her face was soon blurred by tears. She was mine, but she was so very much Hidan's, too. I stroked her cheek, marveling at how soft she felt. "My little treasure," I whispered, leaning back as she twisted her little mouth, round eyes blinking again. For all I had lamented, feared, and resented this pregnancy in the beginning, for all I had doubted my ability to care for and raise another living person, the moment I saw her look up at me with those eyes, I had a hard time believing anything else so perfect could exist.

Bringing her close, I pressed a kiss to my baby's forehead, only paying the faintest of attention to Kana tending to me and cleaning up the mess and afterbirth. I was far too focused on my girl, and as her cooing grew more insistent, I felt the instinctive understanding that she was hungry, and I was thankful that for now, her needs were so simple to understand. Or, maybe, I was just too exhausted to have the energy to worry about anything more complicated than tugging my gown down and pulling her to my breast.

"You're a natural," I heard Kana murmur. I stared mesmerized at my daughter as she drank, amazed I could be the one to nourish her.

"Nothing's ever come so naturally for me," I whispered, reluctant to put it in the air for fear that would beckon something to take it away from me.

Kana smiled wryly. "Love makes nothing easy, but it makes everything possible," she told me with a pat to my leg. I smiled myself, laughing a bit drunkenly. Kana took her leave to allow us to rest, though I spent ages just admiring the little bundle, even as her eyelids drifted shut, her mouth still suckling until she passed right out. I couldn't bring myself to tear my gaze away, I didn't want this moment to end, I didn't want her to disappear.

"My beautiful girl."

Our beautiful girl.

* * *

The sound of distant whimpering roused me from a heavy sleep; no matter how deeply I slept now, the slightest noise woke me, even if it was only the baby rustling her blanket. I blinked hazily at the dim moonlit crib across the room, briefly lost until I remembered where I was. Kana had guided me back to my home that morning, a few days after I'd given birth. I was sore and tender, and more tired than I'd ever thought possible, but so very, wholly happy. I could hardly stand to put the baby to sleep in her own crib, and even then, I knelt there with my fingers poked through the bars so her tiny hand could grasp at them.

I dragged myself from my bed and shuffled over to the crib to gather her into my arms, where she quieted instantly, though her little round eyes stared to the side, as if something had frightened her awake. I hushed her softly as I got back into bed, leaning against the headboard and cuddling her close, even as she continued to coo and wiggle about. I was already tragically aware that the little thing was taking after me, and she preferred to spend her nights awake.

Suddenly, the sound of a creaking floorboard sent my heart hurtling into my chest, and I snapped my head up to confront the danger. In the doorway stood a familiar face, and after a moment the relief hit me, allowing me to collapse back against the headboard and exhale the breath I'd held deep.

Hidan stood frozen, just outside the room. His gaze had landed on the tiny girl I held clutched to my chest, his mouth somewhat slack as he studied her as if he'd never seen a baby in his life. He couldn't quite decide if she was real. Finally, he glanced up towards me, perhaps to confirm the baby's presence, or maybe even to confirm I was okay. I couldn't help a wide, if drowsy, grin. "Are you going to stand there all night, or come see her?" I murmured, though the baby was very awake, her curious gaze (so young, but so very intelligent, it scared me, but I wasn't going to face that just yet) drawn up to the strange man in the doorway.

Snapping out of his trance, Hidan tightened his jaw, and for a moment I thought he might continue to stand and watch. But after a second, he slowly came into the room and approached the bedside. He stared down at her for a moment, and she, without a doubt, stared right back up at him. I was willing to bet she knew exactly who he was, just as she'd known who I was when she was placed upon my chest.

Hidan was silent for several moments before he spoke, startling me a bit as I was already on the verge of delirious. Hell, for all I knew, I was still asleep; if people sleep-walked, I could sleep-hold my own kid. "You give it a fucking name?" he asked gruffly, but he kept his voice low. As soon as he spoke, the baby, as I had, jolted a bit, blinking in amazement.

"Takara," I whispered thoughtfully, "she's a little treasure." Hidan scoffed, as I knew he probably would, but he didn't begrudge my choice. It wasn't like I would let him, I'd been the one carrying and laboring. I happened to glance up just in time to catch him in the midst of a half-smile, his gaze locked on our little girl. I watched as he reached up, perhaps the slowest and most careful I had ever seen him, and brushed a thumb against Takara's cheek. She raised her little hand towards Hidan's, and curled her fingers around one of his, holding an infinite strength in her impossibly small body. Hidan cocked a brow, but he didn't pull away. Much like me—Takara wasn't going to be one to let him.

As if he'd heard that thought, Hidan muttered under his breath. "She's going to fucking take after you." Oh, how tragic. I didn't answer though, fixated on Takara's glittering eyes as she stared in awe at Hidan's finger trapped within her stubborn grip.

"Here, take her for a while," I murmured suddenly, having been clinging to consciousness by a thread. "I'm exhausted, and she's already infatuated with you." I gently pushed Takara into Hidan's arms while he awkwardly adjusted his hold, neither of us arguing nor waiting for a reply. I rolled over to nestle down, listening to Takara's amazed coos. Once upon a time, I'd have sooner killed Hidan than allowed him to hold any child of mine, regardless if it belonged to him. But, also once upon a time, Hidan would have probably sooner killed the child, or perhaps even me. We'd changed something in each other, and while sometimes I still wondered if it was for the best, I never wondered anymore if I regretted it.

* * *

Amaya had shoved her little pink, whining bundle at me before I could say a fucking word, and then she fucked off back to sleep. She looked well, healthy, much better than I think she had in the last couple of months when she could barely fucking get up without cringing, but she was also clearly fucking drunk on exhaustion. She kept that dazed smile on her face the entire time, looking at the wriggling baby on her chest. She had the same look in her eyes that she—

I looked down, furrowing my brows at the round gaze the brat was staring at me with, her mouth hanging open. I'd never known something could be so fucking…small. With a sigh, I adjusted her and went to sink into the chair beside the wooden crib. I could've dumped her back into the crib and left, but…well, she was mine, I was allowed to fucking look at her a little while. She was all wrinkly and soft, but she looked so much like her mother, it almost left me reeling. Her nose, her mouth, the downy tufts of red peeking out from under the blanket. Her eyes, though, her eyes were all mine.

I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

Suddenly, Takara reached up a tiny fist, and grabbed at my pendant hanging down at my chest. I smirked when she tugged on it, her determined gaze locked. "Hey, be fuckin' careful with that," I murmured, and I watched as she looked up at me, her little mouth setting into a firm pout, and oh, fuck—that was more like her mother than anything else.

I leaned my head back and sighed, unable to look at her for another second, but unable to put the damn fucking thing down either. I'd known better, I'd fucking told myself not to act like an idiot, and I'd still done it. I'd thought I wouldn't get attached, I'd assumed I'd be able to just get a look at them, make sure they were fine.

I wasn't going to come back. After Amaya had delivered, I had promised myself I wasn't going to fucking come back. I'd found her a safe place, I'd made sure she'd be taken care of, I owed her at least that, but the biggest debt I owed her was to leave her alone. I couldn't raise a kid, I had no fucking business being around something as fragile and delicate as the thing in my arms. She was Amaya's, and Amaya had earned this…earned being the fuck away from me.

But I was selfish, I always had been, and even she couldn't change every fucking part. She'd changed enough, hadn't she? The fucking bitch. I'd known it from the start.

I looked back down at Takara, and noticed she was beginning to fall asleep, apparently just as tired as her mother. I stroked a finger against her cheek again, and when she reached up and planted a palm right against my chest, just over my heart, I cursed. I was lost, fucking enslaved by the likes of something the size of a fucking cat.

I glanced up when Amaya rolled over, her face relaxed in a serene smile even when asleep, still always showing her real self when she was sleeping. Now though, she smiled much more often when awake, too.

I'd been lost for a long fucking time, and I knew there was no coming back. So, fuck it. They were mine, and I would kill anyone who laid a fucking hand on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: HOO HOO, BIG SUMMER BLOWOUT! Rewriting this story took ages, but I am so happy to have done it. This story has the biggest place in my heart and I hold it in very high regard, it means so much to me and I really hope you enjoyed it. Whether you read the original and you came back to check out the revised version, or if you're brand new and kind of cringing at an old-school OCXCanon story, I genuinely hope you got something out of this story. It'd been wild from start to finish. I whole heartedly appreciate you for reading, and owe you my life if you review, even if it's to roast me for "cringy content" lmao. I had the time of my life, and you know, it's time you got out there and did the same.
> 
> Great way to start off the beginning of 2020, by finishing this fucking mess, of which I love dearly.
> 
> (Fun fact: that's probably how Hidan refers to Takara lmao, fucking mess he loves dearly.)
> 
> Old Note: I had no idea how Hidan might react to a child, but I feel this was all right for him.
> 
> Also vaguely important; I'm likely going to be going back and editing and rewriting a little of this. As ya'll know this story went on for a while and my writing style changed during it, so I'd like to go back and fix it up to make it the best I know I can give.
> 
> Again, thank all of you for being here, and for those of you that wanted a different ending I hope this was to your liking!

**Author's Note:**

> New notes: Heyo, guess who's back, back again with this rewrite bullshit because she can't be happy with her old work! I didn't mean to take such a hiatus, I had to finish writing a different story I hadn't finished before I came back to my rewriting process. Up ahead right here is this old OC story! It was quite popular while it was ongoing, but it was written in the era of cringy OC works, so it's very likely not to pique any attention this time around. But I'm excited to see what I can do with it with my fresher writing skills. Plus, now I'm posting it to AO3. I know OC stories don't seem to do super well anymore, but hey, I hope someone enjoys it, or even an old reader skims it again!
> 
> There's fanart of my OC on my profile, if anyone is interested! Also I'll be posting my new notes on the story first, if I have any, but I'll also be adding the old notes I wrote on the original chapters too, because…well, I was a cringy kid and it's fucking funny to me lmao.
> 
> I know warnings are listed above, but this is a more in-depth warning; this is a dark story that seems to glorify dark elements. I was young when I wrote it, so it's quite problematic, but it's also fiction. Nothing is meant to represent reality within this fic, whatsoever. Please take it with a grain of salt and also protect yourself if you find dark content (rape, underage, violence, etc) triggering.
> 
> For FF users, The cover art is by VampireBasket on dA!
> 
> Old notes, to preserve my former cringe: Dear God, Jesus, Jashin, Zeus, whatever deity there is- I've started another story.
> 
> Heh, can you tell who my favorite character is? XD
> 
> Also, I feel the need to say, this story WILL be dark. Well, darker than what you normally see from me. I know I have problems writing angst so I can't say how bad it will get, but the plot that's stuck in my head has pretty unfriendly things.


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